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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I seriously only have sex about once a month and it’s been like that for a couple of years now. I’ve tried everything under the sun to get him interested in doing it more like we once did before he cut me off and said he didn’t want our relationship to be “all about sex”.
I’m sure you can guess it’s become all about the sex that isn’t had.
At any rate, there have been the signs over time of him worrying more about appearance and always on the phone and so on but I’ve never been able to nail anything down.
The event in question is a bachelor party trip that happened a week ago. During this trip I barely heard from him which was insulting by itself, I dismissed that as him not getting to see these friends all the time. Keep in mind this is a wild group. A friend posted a picture of them all the other day, the first thing I noticed is he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. He took his silicone one so it wouldn’t be a big deal to wear. I of course lost it and asked, he said everyone told him to take it off that they all did. That he didn’t do anything and was sorry about it, after prying further turns out they had women over and some men (married and not) were all engaging in sexual acts with these women. He claims he didn’t partake and that he wasn’t in the room that he hung out with a small group that didn’t get involved with that. I have a hard time with believing that because he has serious FOMO, and is usually in the middle of what that group is up to. He is desperate to keep that friendship alive since college and everyone moving away.
Going through laundry today I found underwear from that trip and there was dried cum inside in a few spots. The only time I’ve seen that in his underwear before has been after we’ve actually had sex and that’s a little bit left after.
what do y’all think?
 

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You don't want to show him anything and you don't want to question him because all that will do is let him know you're suspicious and he'll be more careful.

It's not like he's going to say "Yeah you got me I'm screwing some other chick". Cheaters lie, deflect, rationalize, spin, etc.

If you want the truth you need to find it without any help from him.
 

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My husband and I seriously only have sex about once a month and it’s been like that for a couple of years now. I’ve tried everything under the sun to get him interested in doing it more like we once did before he cut me off and said he didn’t want our relationship to be “all about sex”.
I’m sure you can guess it’s become all about the sex that isn’t had.
At any rate, there have been the signs over time of him worrying more about appearance and always on the phone and so on but I’ve never been able to nail anything down.
The event in question is a bachelor party trip that happened a week ago. During this trip I barely heard from him which was insulting by itself, I dismissed that as him not getting to see these friends all the time. Keep in mind this is a wild group. A friend posted a picture of them all the other day, the first thing I noticed is he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. He took his silicone one so it wouldn’t be a big deal to wear. I of course lost it and asked, he said everyone told him to take it off that they all did. That he didn’t do anything and was sorry about it, after prying further turns out they had women over and some men (married and not) were all engaging in sexual acts with these women. He claims he didn’t partake and that he wasn’t in the room that he hung out with a small group that didn’t get involved with that. I have a hard time with believing that because he has serious FOMO, and is usually in the middle of what that group is up to. He is desperate to keep that friendship alive since college and everyone moving away.
Going through laundry today I found underwear from that trip and there was dried cum inside in a few spots. The only time I’ve seen that in his underwear before has been after we’ve actually had sex and that’s a little bit left after.
what do y’all think?
Your husband is trickle truthing you... At first he said nothing happened, he just took off his ring - that's it. Then you pushed and he admitted to a little bit more. That's how it goes with cheaters. They admit to a little bit at a time, and almost never more than what you already know. So if you want to catch him (if everything else isn't enough) then you need to play dumb for a while. Don't show him your cards and let him think you bought his story.

He isn't acting very trustworthy, so of course you cannot trust him. One of the last bachelor parties I went to, before covid, was with a group of guys I've known since high school. They went out and brought back a bunch of women and there was cheating going on. What did I do? I didn't go out with them and as soon as the women showed up I went to my room for the rest of the night and talked to my wife.

Your husband's story doesn't hold up. Taking off his ring because his friends told him to? The next stage of his story is probably a lapdance or something good enough to explain the stains but not really cheating. And of course, his friends told him to :rolleyes:

You said he is on his phone a lot, can you ever get a hold of it? Do you know the passcode?
 

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My husband and I seriously only have sex about once a month and it’s been like that for a couple of years now. I’ve tried everything under the sun to get him interested in doing it more like we once did before he cut me off and said he didn’t want our relationship to be “all about sex”.
I’m sure you can guess it’s become all about the sex that isn’t had.
At any rate, there have been the signs over time of him worrying more about appearance and always on the phone and so on but I’ve never been able to nail anything down.
The event in question is a bachelor party trip that happened a week ago. During this trip I barely heard from him which was insulting by itself, I dismissed that as him not getting to see these friends all the time. Keep in mind this is a wild group. A friend posted a picture of them all the other day, the first thing I noticed is he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. He took his silicone one so it wouldn’t be a big deal to wear. I of course lost it and asked, he said everyone told him to take it off that they all did. That he didn’t do anything and was sorry about it, after prying further turns out they had women over and some men (married and not) were all engaging in sexual acts with these women. He claims he didn’t partake and that he wasn’t in the room that he hung out with a small group that didn’t get involved with that. I have a hard time with believing that because he has serious FOMO, and is usually in the middle of what that group is up to. He is desperate to keep that friendship alive since college and everyone moving away.
Going through laundry today I found underwear from that trip and there was dried cum inside in a few spots. The only time I’ve seen that in his underwear before has been after we’ve actually had sex and that’s a little bit left after.
what do y’all think?
Arbr14, first off, let me say that I am so sorry that you are here with your story. How long have you two been married? Do you have any children together?

You need to trust your gut on this one. If there is one thing that I have learned from reading the hundreds upon HUNDREDS of threads on this forum, it is that your gut is almost ALWAYS CORRECT!

Now is not the time to confront and accuse him. No, now is the time to gather intel. 1)you need to get a digital, voice activated recorder to put in his car so that you can record his phone coversations. You can leave it there for days and it will record on a single charge, hours worth of audio. 2)you can secretly place a GPS tracker on his car, and keep tabs in real time via a phone app, on where his care is at. 3)you need to protect yourself from catching any STD's that he might pick up from prostitutes or any other affair partner. TRUST YOUR GUT!!!!! If he is having an active affair, doing the steps above should provide you with all the information you need to verify infidelity and move to divorce. Your husband not wanting to have sex with you is a huge red flag. Is he looking at porn? Is he suffering from an old war wound that caused him to become impotent? I have been married to my wife for 27 years and I still chase the poor thing around the house wanting to rip her clothes off. Him saying "he didn’t want our relationship to be all about sex” is absolute bullsh!t and you know it. Once a month and you are the pursuer? Something definitely smells fishy in Bangkok.
 

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Arbr14

27 years married and once a month (if you are lucky?)

Something out of order with your spouse. As others have said, don't confront - instead start a secret journal (do it online and wipe your tracks off the computer when you finish.) Then shut it down. Remember Google tracks everything you do except how many sheets you use when in the toilet (and I bet they are working on that too.) - can not be to careful about leaving tracks. Eventually a picture will evolve. "Follow your Gut." 50 year old going on a trip to attend a "bachelor party" with "sex workers" and taking off wedding rings? As many red flags as a Chinese military parade!

Check phone usage? Bill? $$$$ spent? Miles driven on car? Time away from home that seems to be to long for what trip was for? And, sorry, get yourself checked out by your Gynecologist. HPV can be carried by males with no effect and be passed on to sex partners. In case of females - some strains of HPV can be deadly at worst.

Possible "trap" - plan a trip to visit out of state family or friends. Maybe a "girls vacation?" Give him some rope in other words.

Don't forget to clean your tracks to TAM - he would then know what you are doing and suspecting. Cheaters get "smarter" and become more devious in hiding their duplicity.

I would say: "I hope this in just a short trip into juvenile behavior and nothing more." - but just to many red flags.

I suggest you have him go get checked out by his physician. In particlar for his hormones. Unless you are a beanpole or a blimp - I would agree with the poster about 'chasing around the house." Ask him to have you listed as someone who can be informed of any/all medical information.

Lasly - is he hiding anything else you supect? Drugs? Booze? to much "porn" on his computer?
How is/are his relations with other family and local friends?
 

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I don’t really have anything useful to add. I just know that I would have lost it too about the ring... well more about his behavior and who he chooses to value.

People cheat with or without wearing their ring. However, just reading your post made me think that I would personally lose respect - because he’s a grown man that apparently went along with the crowd in a symbolic display that shows he could value the experience/moment with ‘friends’ over what we represent. In addition, that he chooses to be around others who are comfortable/encouraging of this, as well as having (assumingly, based on what you wrote) ‘affairs’. Regardless if he was the ring-leader, no pun intended, or cheated or not, I could not be with someone who didn’t hold their own in a crowd. Which he obviously didn’t want to do. And that to me speaks volumes. Who we choose to surround ourselves with also indicates who we are. A diggable man is one who holds his own, knows his worth, respects my worth, and who we are together. I’m angry for you!
 

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What did I do? I didn't go out with them and as soon as the women showed up I went to my room for the rest of the night and talked to my wife.
I read your post after I’d written mine.

Yep, all choices... you don’t need me to give you props, but for how you chose to deal with that moment, I will nonetheless.
 
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Yeah...you caught him and now the stories start and the friends will cover for him. It sounds like this bunch is thick as thieves all involved in the same debauchery.
 

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Who pushed for marriage, him or you? I'm not saying it's your fault if you did. He sounds like someone who does whatever the people around him are doing or tell him to do. The kind of person who could be convinced by his friends that he'd be better off single.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Who pushed for marriage, him or you? I'm not saying it's your fault if you did. He sounds like someone who does whatever the people around him are doing or tell him to do. The kind of person who could be convinced by his friends that he'd be better off single.
I never pushed for marriage he was always the one talking about it. I never wanted to be that girl who was just dying to get married or didn’t know how to function without a man. I’ve always made it clear I can will and have lived and survived on my own. Also made it very clear that above all else loyalty is the most important thing to me. That if either of us ever felt like we wanted something from someone else to seriously just call it quits and let the other go. I’m not a fan of dragging anyone through the **** for no reason.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Your husband is trickle truthing you... At first he said nothing happened, he just took off his ring - that's it. Then you pushed and he admitted to a little bit more. That's how it goes with cheaters. They admit to a little bit at a time, and almost never more than what you already know. So if you want to catch him (if everything else isn't enough) then you need to play dumb for a while. Don't show him your cards and let him think you bought his story.

He isn't acting very trustworthy, so of course you cannot trust him. One of the last bachelor parties I went to, before covid, was with a group of guys I've known since high school. They went out and brought back a bunch of women and there was cheating going on. What did I do? I didn't go out with them and as soon as the women showed up I went to my room for the rest of the night and talked to my wife.

Your husband's story doesn't hold up. Taking off his ring because his friends told him to? The next stage of his story is probably a lapdance or something good enough to explain the stains but not really cheating. And of course, his friends told him to :rolleyes:

You said he is on his phone a lot, can you ever get a hold of it? Do you know the passcode?
I do, I could check it when he is asleep. Something from the trip came up this morning and he wouldn’t even talk to me about it. He flipped and said we’ve already talked about this and I don’t want to have the conversation again. We spent two hours maybe on the day I spotted the ring missing in the picture and posted this. He practically ran out the room saying he was going to be late for work but then 10min later I noticed him actually pulling out of the driveway.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
My husband and I seriously only have sex about once a month and it’s been like that for a couple of years now. I’ve tried everything under the sun to get him interested in doing it more like we once did before he cut me off and said he didn’t want our relationship to be “all about sex”.
I’m sure you can guess it’s become all about the sex that isn’t had.
At any rate, there have been the signs over time of him worrying more about appearance and always on the phone and so on but I’ve never been able to nail anything down.
The event in question is a bachelor party trip that happened a week ago. During this trip I barely heard from him which was insulting by itself, I dismissed that as him not getting to see these friends all the time. Keep in mind this is a wild group. A friend posted a picture of them all the other day, the first thing I noticed is he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. He took his silicone one so it wouldn’t be a big deal to wear. I of course lost it and asked, he said everyone told him to take it off that they all did. That he didn’t do anything and was sorry about it, after prying further turns out they had women over and some men (married and not) were all engaging in sexual acts with these women. He claims he didn’t partake and that he wasn’t in the room that he hung out with a small group that didn’t get involved with that. I have a hard time with believing that because he has serious FOMO, and is usually in the middle of what that group is up to. He is desperate to keep that friendship alive since college and everyone moving away.
Going through laundry today I found underwear from that trip and there was dried cum inside in a few spots. The only time I’ve seen that in his underwear before has been after we’ve actually had sex and that’s a little bit left after.
what do y’all think?
Update: I didn’t see anyone replying to this so I couldn’t help myself and ended up asking him about the boxers. He said he took some time with some pictures I had sent him one morning while on the trip and that was left over from that. Thoughts? It’s plausible but I don’t know. This morning I asked him about something I was told that brought up the whole trip. A friend told me that one of the guys on the trip who I met after said he had seen my tits before (odd right!) so the only time he would have seen them was on this trip so I asked my husband if he had showed him and of course he denied and as he showed a group pic with me in it to him that is girls had sent (thing is we didn’t send one, I had my best friend send him one of me flashing him in the ocean out to sea so no one else could see). I told him that he stutters around. I’m not sure how it all came back around or what stupid **** I said to end up back talking about if he did anything with the girls that boys brought back to the Airbnb. He flipped didn’t want to talk about it, I kind of stared off into space trying to figure out what I believe and he snapped and said I don’t need you looking through me while I’m getting ready I have to leave in 6 min. I was like I’m not but I’m confused why your so hostile about the topic if you have nothing to hide, he said it’s because we spent like two hours talking about it before I told you everything I know and I don’t want to talk about it again.
which I called him on cause every time he is caught in something or in the wrong heget hateful and avoids the topic and shuts down. He said no I don’t, I’m not doing this and went out the door. 10min or more later I notice he pulls out of the driveway. It’s been over an hour now that I thought he would reach out to even try to smooth things over but I haven’t heard a word from him.
 

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Whether he cheated or not, you obviously have problems in your marriage. You might want to consider marriage counseling.

You may need him to take a polygraph.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Whether he cheated or not, you obviously have problems in your marriage. You might want to consider marriage counseling.

You may need him to take a polygraph.
He brought that up a while back more than once cause one of the married guys from that group was going through it with his wife. ( he’s one who has cheated on his wife multiples times now that I’ve confirmed). I brushed it off at the time, how can I even bring that up now? Is it as simple as saying I think we should try it and it not becoming a big deal and causing him to shut down even more?
 
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