[SCsweety81]

I'm new here, but desperately need some support and advice. I have been married for two and a half years, and August 25th marked the fourth separation - all of which have been initiated by my husband. You see, he just isn't real sure he wants to be married. (Sad face for him, right? Blah!)

Here's the problem.

I love him, very much. I also believe that marriage is a covenant that shouldn't be forsaken, and I'm pretty dang God-fearing. However, I do not believe I am supposed to be disrespected and heartbroken time after time after time. My husband possesses a sickening infatuation with the greener yards, so to speak. He thinks there's always something better out there for him, and that our marriage is hindering his finding it. This last time he left, he immediately began a relationship with a frumpy little (I use the term "little" loosely) single mom that lives with her parents. Now, he claims (of course) that they're just friends; however, his actions prove otherwise. He spends all his free time, on the weekends, with her - at her parents'. So, I know he has some type of feelings for this...thing. By the way, he met her one week before leaving, while bowling with friends. With that being said, I'm just assuming he left me for her. Gross.

At first, I begged, pleaded, apologized, cried, screamed, and all those other things that pitiful, desperate women do when they're dumped. Everytime he would text or call, I'd asphyxiate on false hope and restart the grieving process all over again. Finally, last week, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I promised myself I would end all communication with him, regardless of the circumstances. Well, obviously he made the same promise to himself, because neither of us have reached out to one another, at all, this week.

I am continuing to pray for my well being, and my husband, and my marriage. Afterall, that's what He says I should do.

When we were talking, or arguing, or whatever it was, he constantly reminded me that I had to wait a year before I could date anyone. He also hounded me about being so impatient and not holding out any hope for the reconciliation of our marriage. How contrasting are those words with his actions? The ole "I don't want you [this month], but no one else can have you, either". Precious. Why do I still love him so much? Am I that naive? Do I have that little self-respect? Why can't I just get over him? What woman, in their right mind, would want someone that disrespected them so badly? I suppose a lot of it has to do with my religious beliefs and not breaking my vows, but at what point is the "worse" just too much to bear?


PS - We have no children. I'm 31, he's 25 (I know, but that's water under the bridge). We both have good jobs and are financially stable.

 

[legiox]

Seems to me he is the one controlling the relationship. Both of you have been married less than 3 years and have been separated 4 times? That end of itself is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!

No offense, but it seems you will be better off kicking the man to the curb and doing the 180 plan. There takes two people to tango and your obviously the only one putting any type of effort in the marriage.

I believe in marriage greatly also. When you make the bond between you and your spouse infront of almighty GOD I feel you should keep it. However, you cannot change someones thought process if they are as screwed up as your saying.

You need to see the writing on the wall. Instead of kicking the can down the road. I would focus on yourself and your life. With no kids I feel (like i did) dodged a bullet with this one. There are many other good guys out there that will not be this immature about marriage. Truthfully it looks like he wants to live the single life and doesn't want to be bogged down with commitment and responsibilities.

Do the 180. Cut him off completely. my two cents.

 

[Dollystanford]

I'm not religious at all, so what I'm going to tell you to do is based on the fact that I don't believe and have no issue with breaking up a marriage if it's toxic

run screaming from this dude right now

you've been married a couple of years and he's already left you four times? he's controlling, immature, unfaithful, disrespectful and clearly shouldn't be married

continue to pine over him and it will destroy you - his behaviour will only get worse. you're young, financially stable - get out, don't look back and good luck

 

[SCsweety81]

What's the 180?

Thanks, guys, for your advice.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Google "Doing the 180"

 

[synthetic]

Praying for things to magically change is a futile effort. There's also no reason for God to reward your husband's lack of commitment by giving him a wife like you. Your marriage is dead.

This list is for you. Your case is neither 'unique' nor 'special'. Many people experience what you're going through. Prayer is for temporary internal relief. It doesn't mean you should avoid doing what's required.

Follow this list and don't backtrack. It's time to stop relying on God and love yourself a bit more.


Synthetic's Commandments:

1. Read this link - Just Let Them Go

2. Follow the following rules: The 180 degree rules

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting his 'single' lifestyle. Stop depending on him as well.

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but sweat the pain of anxiety out. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night.

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (males work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

SCsweety81:

I understand that YOU think marriage is FOREVER, I get that! But God DID admonish a man to leave his parents and CLEAVE UNTO his wife. Your husband is NOT doing that. And your husband is committing adultery - either PHYSICALLY (which breaks the 6th commandment) or "in his heart" which is also against God's teachings.

This is just MY HUMBLE OPINION, but God expects you to give it a GOOD, HONEST try! But I can't honestly believe that a loving God wants you to take abuse (whether it's fists, cheating, verbal hatefulness, or whatever).

Perhaps your church/denomination offers ANNULLMENTS; if so, avail yourself of one. It is not legal like a divorce (you'll STILL have to get one of those), but it WILL put you back in the good graces of your Church. It will demonstrate that YOUR FAITH is important to you, but you can't MAKE someone else behave correctly in a marriage.

The 180 is a program of behavior in which you stop doing what you HAVE BEEN DOING and start doing that which you have NOT been doing. NO more grovelling, begging, pleading, forgiving, turning a blind eye, rug-sweeping, etc. Instead, you take care of YOU. Not to be a spiteful b*tch, but because YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Your health, your welfare, your happiness, your peace of mind are ALL important and NOBODY BUT YOU can look out for them.

Time to stop worrying about HIM and what HE's doing and time to start looking after YOU. YOU have your own issues that need addressing (why have you taken him back 4 times in 2.5 years? Why have you allowed him to disrespect you? Why don't you have more love/concern/respect for yourself? THESE are things YOU NEED TO ADDRESS).

Get into individual counseling to find out WHY so YOU WILL NEVER REPEAT THE SAME MISTAKES you have made in this marriage. It is alright to make mistakes, but you MUST LEARN from them!

Keep coming to TAM to vent, get support, learn something new, offer your own viewpoint, etc.

We LOVE YA, girl!

 

[SCsweety81]

Thanks, everyone, for your kind words of advice. I read the links and studied the "list". I feel like I have been practicing the 180, for the past week. I'm not sure if it's made a huge impact on me, thus far, but I am sure time will ease my pain. I do attend IC, and have been for the past two years. We've had a few major breakthroughs, but nothing regarding my desire to make it work with a man that treats me like two-week old garbage. To be honest, that mentality that I harbor scares me a bit. Clearly, I cave into him every time he's "sorry". I'm a decently intelligent girl, so it's hard for me to believe I'm that naive. I almost believe talking to another [decent] guy would be a slap in the face to me; however, I'm terrified of developing feelings for him in what may end up as a rebound relationship.

Oy. My heart hurts. I just want to be fine again.

 

[synthetic]

SC,

Stick to the commandments I listed. They have stood the test of time and many different situations.

To be honest, that mentality that I harbor scares me a bit.

And so it should. It's called "Codependency". There's a link in my signature that explains it.

You owe it to yourself to follow the list and gain control of your codependency. It's indeed a scary illness.

 

[SCsweety81]

Why is it so hard to just get over him? My emotions flare up, worse, during the weekend, because I know he'll be with her.

 

[hesnothappy]

SC when you no longer care what he is doing, it will become easier to do it all....let go, and let yourself be made whole again. All goodbyes aren't gone....even four of them :O) But know your worth and live for you.

 

[SCsweety81]

I know I need to let go. That's what I'm having trouble doing. I've been successful with the 180, since last Sunday, but it's crazy depressing everytime I think about the fact that he hasn't even attempted to contact me. I don't want to think about the two of them, but regardless of how busy I keep myself, my thoughts always revert to that sickening situation.

 

[MSC71]

you can't date no one for a year, lol ? who made that silly rule. He's 25, sounds like he needs to grow up. If you have been separated 4 times in your short marriage, do the world a favor and get rid of him before you guys brings kids into the mix. Trust me, marriage is not supposed to be like yours.

 

[SCsweety81]

you can't date no one for a year, lol ? who made that silly rule. He's 25, sounds like he needs to grow up. If you have been separated 4 times in your short marriage, do the world a favor and get rid of him before you guys brings kids into the mix. Trust me, marriage is not supposed to be like yours.

I know my marriage is not ideal, and I've always been aware of that; however, I guess I've always held out hope for what could have been. Fail on my part? Obviously.

STBXH is so adamant on my remaining single throughout the entirety of our separation (it's one year in SC). What is that about? If he is so miserable with me, and so happy with skankOW, why does it matter what I do? I cannot understand that mentality.

 

[MSC71]

I know my marriage is not ideal, and I've always been aware of that; however, I guess I've always held out hope for what could have been. Fail on my part? Obviously.

STBXH is so adamant on my remaining single throughout the entirety of our separation (it's one year in SC). What is that about? If he is so miserable with me, and so happy with skankOW, why does it matter what I do? I cannot understand that mentality.

It's all about control. He wants to control what you do. Good thing is you are still young and there is someone out there that is perfect for you. Someone who will work at the marriage.