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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's much longer than original because of more detail and it's been a while, have more details.

Together 11 years.
Married 6 years.
3 yo daughter.
I'm 8 years older.
Got together when she was 17.
She served me papers 4 or 5 years ago. Was back in 2 weeks.
Had daughter shortly afterwards.

We started a haunt business. Sold house and 2 hot rods to do this. Could've really made some good money. But flopped because of the affair etc.

Me: I had an abusive father. Learned to talk bad to my wife and had an anger problem. I use to be really bad when we first got together but made major improvements. I still needed improvement but she said she was happy with me.

Her: She lost her mother to cancer when she was only 5 or 6. Her daddy was old enough to be her grandpa and her brothers could be her daddy. Didn't have any close siblings when she was a kid. Father didn't know how to take care of her. Cut her hair like a boys because he didn't know what to do. I took her to Belk's after being together for a while to help her get lessons on how to put make up on properly etc. She wore make up, on occasions but wasn't great at it.

In a sense, you could say we "rescued" each other. We fell in love before I realized how old she was... or young I should say. We agreed to work through it.

Back to the haunt. Before we sold our property I pulled her to the side and said "Before we do this, are you happy with me and our marriage? We have to make sure everything's 100% before continuing, or at least let me know what we will need to work on during this process" She said "I couldn't be happier with you and our marriage. We have a beautiful daughter and as far as you're concerned, you've SO MUCH better than you use to be. Yes, I'm happy"

July we got actors and volunteers. Among them a 19 and 20 yo. They started hanging out. They were huggers, hugged me, my brother.. everyone. They were cool. They flirted with the wife. Made her feel good but after a talk, everyone was understanding SHE IS MY WIFE! They agreed to back off a bit and apologized. Seemed like it was under control. It wasn't hard flirting. Shortly after a young girl showed up. She was hot. She flirted with me and I flirted with her. 2 weeks later I realized what was going on and I talked to my wife. Told her we needed to stop the flirting before it got out of hand. She agreed. I stopped flirting with the girl, however she only stopped hugging etc when I wasn't there.

I had realized how much I loved my wife. Was looking at her in a new light again. I started flirting with her as well and it took, but she didn't stop hanging with them so much. Like, when we were all playing games, when the boys woudl go smoke outside, she'd sometimes go with them. Not a lot, just sometimes. It got worse and worse. One night I was angry, was wanting to tell her how I was feeling about her and wanted to make sure she knew everything going on. She agreed to meet in her office, she never showed. I go outside,... yeup. She was hanging with them outside again.

She came inside, asked me what was up and I told her I had been waiting on her for 40 min's and she never showed up. We had a fight. In it I got scared and said (like a dumbazz) "maybe we should just divorce" ... I immediately apologized but she said "Maybe that's not such a bad idea" So I started sleeping in the theater. Boys started going home after work.

One night, my SIL woke me up. Found my kid roaming the halls yelling for mommy and daddy. She was gone. Pants were in floor of bedroom with keys in them. Left her purse too. Truck and hearse was outside, she did not drive. I go to the boy's house... there's a lot of girls and guys there. I watched OM's bedroom door for 20 min's through the front door before knocking. I kicked in bedroom door and he's passed out on the bed, naked with a pillow over his crotch. She was in the closet (no door on closet but had to walk around the desk to see her)
She held her head down in shame.

This was supposedly the 2nd time. And no more. She broke one day, Monday and told me everything. She said she wanted to be loved etc. Said she wanted to work on "us" Made love Mon. night, she got off twice, said it was great (and it was) but declined each day until Sat. Sat. i was back in the theater. Sometime in this area she gave me the ILYBNILWY speach. Except her was "I love you, but not like that anymore"

She asked for Divorce on Oct. 18th, the day we got marriage license and Paid the lawyer on Halloween, the day we celebrated. She'd supposedly cut all contact with OM outside of seeing him at the haunt. Running the Haunt was pure heII! Was like I dropped off the face of the earth, no memories whatsoever of our past life. She was a completely different person.

I have papers now. Just need signed. She's been asking lately if I'd signed them. Weeks ago, I was up at her work at the theater. (she lost her legal secretary job, blamed it on me too, but is false, not my fault) She said "have you seen me at work? I'm HAPPY now. I don't need you, I don't want you. I dont' want a life with you anymore. I don't want to be married anymore, I feel trapped with you"

After sleeping in my truck for 2 weeks I moved in with a friend. She later moved in with her brother. During these times she'd pick up the kiddo or drop her off and she'd still say "I love you, talk to you later"
Last night she picked up our Kiddo, Jordan aka JoJo. I sat out in the freezing rain and talked to her for about an hour. A real conversation. She mentioned she can't move forward while this shadow is over her head (all the problems, the past, the cheating, the divorce... all of it) She said we can possibly date and pick up again but wants a new and better life. But can't move forward until the D is done and see if the shadow is gone. I have no evidence of proof of any kind that she's seeing anyone else. She has been working 2 jobs and her bro's can vouch that she's been going to church and sleeping at their house. We're pretty symbolic type people, this Cutting ties thing with a Divorce could be possible, but I'm not holding out for it anymore.

It's been very tough. I've been WAY UP and WAY DOWN too many times. I bawled for weeks. I am codependant, or was. Working hard on it now. I have hit the angry stage 3 times and I think I'm out of it now. I feel healed. I'm now accepting and trying to live my life for me and my daughter as best I can. I've accepted the Holidays are just gonna suck as far as wanting a full family together thing, but we'll be fine just JoJo and me :p
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Tried to sum up all the story the best I could.

I had been on TAM during the middle of this, but couldn't impliment the 180 as well as I should've It was working, now that I look back, but since she wasn't snapping out of things, I was upset. Little changes are big changes.

What did I learn?

Going Dark: Same as 180. Isn't meant for getting them back. I don't recommend unless you want to completely let go and try to heal.

The 180: You're going to be looking for changes while doing so, it's wrong, it's suppose to be for YOU, but since you're going to be looking for changes; Little Changes are Big Changes! Keep that in mind. Hopefully you'll get to where the 180 is all about you instead.

Roller Coaster rides SUUUCK!

I'm not alone in this. We're never alone in these situations. That's why we have TAM here. We're a network of support for one another.

Time is of essence: For healing for one and you have to become aware of time. When you're hurting and scared to death, these days feel like weeks, and weeks as months. Try to learn to CALM DOWN and take things slower! Everything's RUSH RUSH RUSH when you're "here"

Also, Watch what they DO! Not what they say. Should really be implemented in the 180 program! It says "Believe NOTHING of what they say and < 50% of what you see"
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Meant to share earlier.

Last nights conversation, she mentioned she still wasn't happy. She hasn't been acting happy either for the last few times. I kinda feel she's spiraling down now. I know she's been working a lot, she's been very tired and not as cheery. I don't wish her pain anymore. I want her to be happy.

I haven't followed her anymore. I don't ask what she's been up to. I don't care really anymore.

Christmas gifts. As I stated on another thread, she said she and jojo got me a gift. She told me last night it was "From the heart" I asked "are we buying for each other or not?" She said "I figured we'd just buy for our daughter" So I'm going to try and take one of her gifts back and not give her the one I made. (custom, multi picture frame with photoshopped pics of her mother and father)
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I stopped reading my books. I realized earlier that I haven't really read through them much. No money so can't just go buy another one.

I've read through all of them and I'm not gaining any new info, however, re-reading things helps keeps certain things on the mind.

Also realized there are so many different responses on here. Sam scanarios and some people are saying "Sign the papers, give her what she wants" etc.. and some are saying " If you don't want to sign them, don't" So, I guess I've learned you have to read things with a grain of salt and make your mind up for yourself.

I'm feeling ok at the moment. I got bored earlier and decided to post this thread. I had some of it on notepad and just copied / paste.

I can't have my kid here for more than a day or two at a time. 2 bachelors with 2 different shifts in a small house. Almost always someone sleeping. Don't want to plss anyone off.

She texted me last night about an hour or so after she left. First time ever really that wasn't about business. I didn't get it till 11 pm or so but I replied.

Sold my projector. I'll get to make another truck payment and get christmas. Fixing to xfer the money over. Not sure what to do about Christmas, I don't know if I want to go to my mom's or not. I figure everyone will be there but my dad and my stbx. Would be good for Jordan to go, at least sometime. Stbx said she'll probably have to be working christmas between her 2 jobs, both are open Christmas day.
 

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Dewayne,

I think I've been following your story since about day one of mine. I feel for you brother and I know you struggle with many of the same things I do.

This is all good information and thank you for sharing it.

I especially agree with the bit about going dark. That is what I'm doing now (aside from "business" emails/texts) and I live two states away now (not bad considering this all started in late oct). I'm 99.9% sure that going dark has a negative effect on any chance of a R. My stbxw is getting that I am pulling away and I think the reaction from them is the same.

Also on the 180, you are correct. Almost everyone I've seen who does the 180 starts it with the intention of winning the stbx back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Last night the stbx txted to see if I wanted to talk to JoJo, said she was asking for daddy. So I said yeah, and she called. She immediately gave the phone to JoJo. We talked about for about 5 min's or so. Then mommy took the phone. Said a few words and was about to get off the phone. Then she chatted a bit more, maybe 2/3 min's. Then we got off the phone. Even the chatting was about JoJo.

So then as I get in here, a few min's ago she calls. "My car (hearse) broke down again, it won't even try to turn over and it's smoking really bad. I'm stuck in the middle of the road". I start to look up Tow companies and said "I found 2 tow companies" she sounded aggravated and said "I'll call my SIL Marsha"

I feel bad, but she's wanting to cut me out of her life, why should I help? She was nice about things, but eh. I probably was the first one she called, AND she's less than a mile from my place and it's cold.

Just one of those situations... not sure what to do tbh. I'm not gonna laugh at her or her situation, by any means, but she's cutting me loose, why should I be responsible to help? I mean it's not so cold that she'll freeze while sitting in the car, but still.
 

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Last night the stbx txted to see if I wanted to talk to JoJo, said she was asking for daddy. So I said yeah, and she called. She immediately gave the phone to JoJo. We talked about for about 5 min's or so. Then mommy took the phone. Said a few words and was about to get off the phone. Then she chatted a bit more, maybe 2/3 min's. Then we got off the phone. Even the chatting was about JoJo.

So then as I get in here, a few min's ago she calls. "My car (hearse) broke down again, it won't even try to turn over and it's smoking really bad. I'm stuck in the middle of the road". I start to look up Tow companies and said "I found 2 tow companies" she sounded aggravated and said "I'll call my SIL Marsha"

I feel bad, but she's wanting to cut me out of her life, why should I help? She was nice about things, but eh. I probably was the first one she called, AND she's less than a mile from my place and it's cold.

Just one of those situations... not sure what to do tbh. I'm not gonna laugh at her or her situation, by any means, but she's cutting me loose, why should I be responsible to help? I mean it's not so cold that she'll freeze while sitting in the car, but still.
Firstly about the phone conversation (with your daughter).

Good on you for taking the call with your daughter, knowing you'd probably have to at least hear your exes voice for a bit.

As for you about to hang up and she chatted a bit more.

This is where you need to solidify you.

You have the power to say "Okay, bye" and hang up, no need to listen to her talk if YOU don't want to.

Secondly, the phone conversation (about the vehicle).

If you were going to do anything, and I mean anything (some may say you even took it too far by doing this) getting her the number of 2 tow trucks was it.

You didn't even have to do that, the only time I'd see you taking it any further (getting off your arse and getting her) would be if JoJo was with her.

Those are the times when you need to separate your own personal issues with your ex for the sake of your daughter.

But, to reduce your wandering mindset I only say that because of the weather.

There will be several occasions through the years where your ex may call in regards to your daughter and it really is something that she should be handling. Not you.

I've turned down a few things in regards of the kids because I was busy during my time without them.

As much as I love my children, life has changed and I have every right to live my life when I do not have my kids.

The highlighted parts are for the most part are emotions, assumptions and over analyzing that screams out you lack indifference.

These are the things you really need to be working on Dewayne.

She calls.

If you decide to answer you make it short and brief.

Once the phone hangs up that's it.

It's over.

You have a lot of resentment still don't you?

It's clear as day in what you said in this post.

Holding onto resentment will severely reduce your healing and recovery from all of this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Update:

Well, she called. I answered. She couldn't get any help. So I went and picked up her. Pushed her car out of the hwy and onto a business parking lot. Owners were informed and ok with the parking.

Took her home. She's obviously in a stressed out mood. Cussing the car in a funny manner. She kept looking at me, but I couldn't do anything but be a snowman. No emotion. I know she was hoping / expecting a laugh or something. I usually make her laugh harder than she did, but I haven't been doing it. Too hard. Plus, I don't think it falls in the lines of 180?

So we get her to her bro's / home. She starts to get stuff out of car and says "I was thinking, if you wanted JoJo and I could come by Wed. and do the gift exchange and do a movie and talk if you wanted." Really threw me for a loop. Didn't expect that and def. didn't know what to say. So I said "If you want to" then she replied "Well it was MY idea... lol"

I do have 1 gift I forgot about. I got her a long time ago. I posted in the other thread I didn't have one, but this one was in my suitcase. I guess I'll go ahead and give it to her. JoJo was with me when we bought it so, as luck would have it, it may work out.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm still hurt, but ok. I don't mope so hard anymore. I just. . . am here. Starting to play games again a bit more.
 

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Update:

Well, she called. I answered. She couldn't get any help. So I went and picked up her. Pushed her car out of the hwy and onto a business parking lot. Owners were informed and ok with the parking.

Took her home. She's obviously in a stressed out mood. Cussing the car in a funny manner. She kept looking at me, but I couldn't do anything but be a snowman. No emotion. I know she was hoping / expecting a laugh or something. I usually make her laugh harder than she did, but I haven't been doing it. Too hard. Plus, I don't think it falls in the lines of 180?

So we get her to her bro's / home. She starts to get stuff out of car and says "I was thinking, if you wanted JoJo and I could come by Wed. and do the gift exchange and do a movie and talk if you wanted." Really threw me for a loop. Didn't expect that and def. didn't know what to say. So I said "If you want to" then she replied "Well it was MY idea... lol"

I do have 1 gift I forgot about. I got her a long time ago. I posted in the other thread I didn't have one, but this one was in my suitcase. I guess I'll go ahead and give it to her. JoJo was with me when we bought it so, as luck would have it, it may work out.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm still hurt, but ok. I don't mope so hard anymore. I just. . . am here. Starting to play games again a bit more.
You aren't ready for so much contact with her.

You know that right?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I gotya Up.

Yeah, I feel MUUCH better. However, I'm still learning to deal with the day to day encounters and situations.

I DID think about telling her "Well, good luck. It's cold out there" But as cruel as I use to be, that's what I'm trying to fix! Is NOT being cruel. So it's a bit more difficult for me I think.

Absolutely, if the kiddo was with her, I'd not have to think about it.

Weather was a bit colder than when I first went out. Good thing I went tbh.

When I was on the phone, I didn't think about the "hanging up first" SHE was about to hang up, it was quick, then she started talking again. Would've been perfect tho! I think it'd show her that I made time for Jordan but when the talk with her was done I suddenly didn't have time for her.

Emotions are pretty much under control for now. So I'm just getting into the swing of actions and reactions to day to day events.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
You aren't ready for so much contact with her.

You know that right?
Yeah. Thought of that earlier this morning.

What about Wed.? Should I allow her to come by then?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Nope. Shouldn't have had her over. Need some 2x4 treatment I guess.

She wanted to bring JoJo over to do a gift exchange and watch a movie and talk. We didn't talk much till we got her to the house. I had to pick her up. Went to Walmart and got some stuff. Came to my place. Swapped gifts. We both did pictures with frames. She really liked her gift. I didn't give her the frame I originally intended but got her a nice one from walmart. Put pics of her and her daddy and her momma in there. She hugged me for the gift and said thank you very sincerely.

We watched SPiderman. JoJo between us towards the end. Her hand was cupped over Jordan's leg which was over mine. She then started to scratch / rub my leg. I noticed she realized waht she was doing and she didn't stop immediately.

Mind got to racing. Telling me I shouldn't be here. Finished the movie, which was pretty decent. I enjoyed it. Then... I gave her the Divorce Papers I had signed. She looked down at them and said "did you get them signed??" Like she was surprised a bit and thought for a sec and said "Thank you" in a low tone.

Took her to the house. We chatted about having fun tonight. Then at her place we started talking about the b/s that happened and why her family is all mad at me. There was a hacking of her FB that told everyone she was a lying cheating backstabbing spouse. I didn't do it. Everyone assumed it was me. I got it back and took it off. She says she told them it wasn't me. They don't believe her/ us.

Sooooo in this conversation she was talking about moving off for a job and I said "umm. what? Not even thinking about me?" She said "Of course I'm thinking of you, I don't wanna take jordan from you and I don't wanna..... " never finished. This went on for about 5 more minutes, no arguing at all, just calm discussions and then I let it slip. I asked her if she even thought about calling, just to talk. She said "noo, not really. I mean, maybe a little bit once in a while"

... coming from my ex best friend.... hurts. a lot.

I signed the papers today. I gave them to her. She told me she doesn't even wanna talk to me. But then I think, "watch what they do, not what they say"... we did just spend 4-5 hours together between shopping, gifts, movie etc.

People have it right when they say this is the worse thing they've ever gone through in their life. I don't think anything can top this.

I'm battle worn. Scorned, beaten up, hurting and tired. Sick and tired. I was ready to throw in the towel, hence why I got up and went and signed the papers. But it was much harder than I expected.
 

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You may be tired, but you're not tired enough, yet.

Dewayne, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I promise you I know how bad it hurts.

You HAVE to learn to love YOU, though.

You don't deserve to feel like this.

You were beautifully and wonderfully made...without her.

Please know that.

Your happiness comes from within, and not from her.

Singing those papers was the first step.

Congratulations, hon.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I know Katy. It's just... realizing your best friend is now treating you like nothing hurts like a bltch.

Like my friend said, "If she didn't want to spend time with you, wtf was with the movie invite n sh.t?"

I know, her actions speak more than her words, but her words still hurt.

I'm trying to not 'want' her per sey. I'm just still mourning the death of our friendship and marriage. Katy, I wish you could've seen the way JoJo acted on the loveseat with us. She was in between, getting tired, she was getting comfy and kept pulling my arm over her, then to Marcy and pulled her arm over her as well. . . God that hurt. She doesn't get to have her mommy and daddy together with her often. Watching that made me tear up.
 

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I know Katy. It's just... realizing your best friend is now treating you like nothing hurts like a bltch.

Like my friend said, "If she didn't want to spend time with you, wtf was with the movie invite n sh.t?"

I know, her actions speak more than her words, but her words still hurt.

I'm trying to not 'want' her per sey. I'm just still mourning the death of our friendship and marriage. Katy, I wish you could've seen the way JoJo acted on the loveseat with us. She was in between, getting tired, she was getting comfy and kept pulling my arm over her, then to Marcy and pulled her arm over her as well. . . God that hurt. She doesn't get to have her mommy and daddy together with her often. Watching that made me tear up.
If you were really sick and tired you wouldn't be thinking like this.

Instead.

You'd be focusing on yourself and becoming the best you that you can be.

By default JoJo will benefit.
 

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I know it hurts.

I don't have children, but I have a huge heart for the babies.

But, they don't know what's best.

YOU do, regardless of your actions.

Dewayne, she served you.

She constantly questioned the signature.

Those are the actions you should be looking at...not the movie, together.

She's doing that to alleviate her guilt.
 

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The problem is, after everything that has happened you still have hope. Hope will eat you from the inside out.

Stop putting yourself in these situations and stop analyzing her behavior. Talking to friends until one of them tells you what you want to hear does nothing for your healing process.

All she is feeling is guilt.

Let her go Dewayne.

Does it hurt with the kids..fvck yeah it hurts. Try it with two.

Your "best friend" is dead and gone.

Put the hope to bed and stop focusing on her.

Wake up tomorrow and plan to build something new and better or else this scene will repeat itself over and over in the months to come.

You can do this.
 
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