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Detail sharing.....Common????

6752 Views 54 Replies 30 Participants Last post by  Hailey2009, 
S
After doing some reading I am coming to the understanding that sex is talked about alot! Both here on TAM, between spouses and with friends.
Do you talk about sex more when your sex life is unfulfilling or when your sex life rocks?
I am pretty private. Work is work, personal life is personal life. It takes me a long time to develope a closeness with friends that I feel comfortable revealing intimate details with. I am not a casual chatter box. ie) the people at work don't know when my husband leaves the seat up, or when my MIL pisses me off. Therefore sexual chit chat is not something I find natural.

So.....There have been some events in my married life and while working through them other things have been brought to light...simple...nothing earth shattering.....but definately contradicts what my previous understanding was.

My husband and I have a great sex-life...4-5 times a week sometimes more.....has kept improving over the yrs...is experimental...not selfish....and often times mind blowing.

So.....during a discussion my H revealed to me (reluctantly) that with a certain set of friends he engages in dicussions about his friend's sex-lives. ie) his friend's partners/wives anatomy, preferences, sex-styles...details....very private details. We hang out with these people/women. They are my friends.!
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex. Sex is an important part of adulthood, is an intergral part of our identity and is a must in a marriage. I feel that if these friends of our are getting their rocks off and want to express how good it is that is awesome.

I just don't know how I feel about my husband getting their
play by play. So I asked if my H shared our details with them? Keep in mind that these particular friends are not [email protected] heads. I respect them. They are kind, hardworking, respectful, family men. My H said NO.
I said that I knew I was no genius when it came to men, but it seemed to me that for this type of relationship to develope with these male friends there must have been/ still be mutual detail sharing that they find SAFE for this to continue. My H agreed and said Yes. He added that he has had many convos with these friends pertaining to details with himself and other women.....ugh! Again I asked "why refrain from sharing ours?" His response "I am his wife and mother of his children, he would never do that"

I am baffled and wierdly jealous. I guess the conservative in me says that as his wife he is trying to protect my honour, but I go out of my way to rock his socks...he should be very proud of our intimate life....much more proud than the flash in the pan relationships he cared to share.
I am irritated that he gets the pleasure of visual sexual imagery of our friend as she sits across the table while we are at a dinner party. I am childishly insecure that I am not worthy of detailed description. I also understand that if my husband spoke to everyone about our intimate life i would be angry that he didn't respect me. A contradiction I know!

So is he protecting my dignity or is he protecting his rights to me?
Is all this normal? Do close guy friends commonly share this info? Does it really mean anything?:scratchhead:
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Omgitsjoe
StoneAngel said:
So is he protecting my dignity or is he protecting his rights to me?
Is all this normal? Do close guy friends commonly share this info? Does it really mean anything?:scratchhead:
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I feel he is indeed protecting your dignity since you are afterall like he said his wife and the mother of his children !! There is nothing wrong with being a " freak " in the bedroom and im certain he is proud of this of you but he feels he shouldnt discuss it with his buddies ...... since they too will have this " visual " of you ??

Each guy is different ..... some may be more comfortable in discussing his intimacy and then some like your husband may not ?? I myself have no issues with it ....... i'm very proud of my mrs " talents " and may had shared this with a friend or two already :rolleyes: ??
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CharlieParker
I generally don't talk about our details or hear about others details. What may have come up a couple of times is a brief "Does your wife do XYZ too?"

It may just be the people I know, wife and I very open about talking details (when together) but other than 1 other couple we know it freaks people out they change the subject quickly.
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TrustInUs said:
I just did a whole long post and the thread moved lol.

I think it's common that men tend to not share details about their sex lives with their wives, or they limit the details out of respect.

I did want to ask if he currently still talks about his previous sex life with other women to your frienda or did that occur in the past before you married? I think I misunderstood that part.
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First, sorry about moving the thread...I just thought this may be a better spot for it...and forum rules says that threads should not be placed in two spot.

Second I don't think you are understanding my post. My H and I have been married for 15 yrs and have know each other much longer. Many of our friends are mutual given our ages when we started dating. At that time the spouses or GFs of my Hs guy friends very naturally became my friends and companions. My H has not been talking to my girlfriends about his past sexual encounters.
My H is having conversations with his guy friends about intimate details of his guy friend's partners. His guy frineds are offering details about the way their wives look, what is great about their bodies, how their partners give head, etc etc. so....at a dinner party with all of us together, My H has been afforded details that permit him at a dinner party to look at his firend's wife and fantasy about thier last sexual exploit (setting the stage...I am not sayig that he is doing that), but the idea creeps me out.
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I don't give details or even talk about sex. Boyfriend does though with his male friends. Not female. And yeah he goes into detail. I've gotten facebook messages about it that made me turn beet red. Hes got a female coworker than complains her bf wont have sex with her a lot, but thats about it.

I would feel uncomfortable if she actually talked details though!
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Omgitsjoe said:
I feel he is indeed protecting your dignity since you are afterall like he said his wife and the mother of his children !! There is nothing wrong with being a " freak " in the bedroom and im certain he is proud of this of you but he feels he shouldnt discuss it with his buddies ...... since they too will have this " visual " of you ??

Each guy is different ..... some may be more comfortable in discussing his intimacy and then some like your husband may not ?? I myself have no issues with it ....... i'm very proud of my mrs " talents " and may had shared this with a friend or two already :rolleyes: ??
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This is the part that flares the esteem issues, He has had no problems discussing his personal intimate details when they have been in regards to other women, he is just mum when it comes to me.

And the double standard tickles my crazy a little bit.

When I tried to be really honest and explain just how foolish and insecure I felt about the whole 'visual' thing. I was told that he had a brain capable of fantasizing on its own and he didn't need to have his friends details to do that....Not Helpful!
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kipani said:
I don't give details or even talk about sex. Boyfriend does though with his male friends. Not female. And yeah he goes into detail. I've gotten facebook messages about it that made me turn beet red. Hes got a female coworker than complains her bf wont have sex with her a lot, but thats about it.

I would feel uncomfortable if she actually talked details though!
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Again I didn't say that my H was talking to women out their sex lives.
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Omgitsjoe
StoneAngel said:
This is the part that flares the esteem issues, He has had no problems discussing his personal intimate details when they have been in regards to other women, he is just mum when it comes to me.

And the double standard tickles my crazy a little bit.

When I tried to be really honest and explain just how foolish and insecure I felt about the whole 'visual' thing. I was told that he had a brain capable of fantasizing on its own and he didn't need to have his friends details to do that....Not Helpful!
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Duuuh ...... nope not a good thing to say to the mrs regarding bhis brain being able to fantasize on its own helloooo ??

It's probably best that he doesnt even discuss details of past gfs with any of the buddies which is what i think is also affecting you since why bother mention this since he's with you now ?? IMHO i think you're probably better off that he doesnt share the details of your intimacy .... no need to be insecure.
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Are you going to open the fantasies can of worms?
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S
kipani said:
Are you going to open the fantasies can of worms?
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No No No no!
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M
My guess would be he feels like he's betraying your trust if he divulges intimate details of his sex with you to his friend. If you are comfortable with him sharing those details them maybe it's only a matter of giving him the green light it's OK with you.

It could spark a bit a competition with each of you trying to come up with a bigger and better experience for the husbands to share.
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TrustInUs said:
No problem, I think I worded my ? Incorrectly. I didn't think he was talking to your girlfriends about his sex life, I was asking if he still spoke about his previous sex life to his guy friends now? You mentioned that they knew details about his prior sex life and so I had the idea that he was still talking about his prior sex life with he guy friends when they traded stories. I would feel uncomfortable with that.

Some guys/people in general are more open when talking about sex though, and among close friends they probably aren't thinking much about sharing info with you're husband about their wives. Or thinking your husband is now picturing their wives etc.

Just my take. I'm a woman though
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There are lots of parts to my story. Like many here is presume. There is a lot I am uncomfortable with. This just seemed to be a good opener. I guess I have to think about how to shed more light and share why this still sticks with me.
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Chris Taylor
Would not discuss sex about previous girlfriends (and name them) or about my wife with any of my friends. If the question came up, I would say that I have a satisfying sexual relationship (whether or not I did) and the rest is private.

I might mention "I was going with a girl once and ...." but would never mention her name.

I worked with a guy who would always talk about his sex life with his wife. We car pooled an hour each way and some mornings we just way over the top. I could never look at his wife again knowing the things they did.
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WorkingOnMe
Um, don't believe him. He spills. You know he does. He gave you the answer he thought would get him in the least amount of trouble. Look, you're a woman. You're not supposed to be piercing this veil. You're not supposed to be looking behind this curtain. I have a very very small handful of men who I feel comfortable enough with that I've had these kind of conversations. Well, 3 men. One is a very close friend of over 10 years. One is my brother. The other is my cousin who is so close to me that I named my first born son after him. And yes, the sharing was all mutual.
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Matt1720
I have no problem with someone singing my praises, but theres no need to get absolutely graphic
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T
My husband and myself are part of a large friendship group.

When we were going out, my hubz told me about a conversation he'd had one night with his two best male friends, which involved sharing some personal details about the girlfriends and wives.

I was pretty p!ssed off. I'm not the kind of person to confide in anyone about much vaguely personal, and tbh I felt uncomfortable knowing these people knew that kind of stuff about me. I made it clear that if I wanted his best friends to know that kind of stuff about me, *I* would be the one sharing it. Otherwise, they can mind their own business and hubz can keep his massive gob shut!
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WorkingOnMe
tobio said:
My husband and myself are part of a large friendship group.

When we were going out, my hubz told me about a conversation he'd had one night with his two best male friends, which involved sharing some personal details about the girlfriends and wives.

I was pretty p!ssed off. I'm not the kind of person to confide in anyone about much vaguely personal, and tbh I felt uncomfortable knowing these people knew that kind of stuff about me. I made it clear that if I wanted his best friends to know that kind of stuff about me, *I* would be the one sharing it. Otherwise, they can mind their own business and hubz can keep his massive gob shut!
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I suspect that what you accomplished is guaranteeing that he doesn't share the details of his conversations with you anymore. Congrats. You trained your husband to lie to you.
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G
Sharing some details about sex with friends is all apart of the experience. If you have really good sex, you want to be able to tell someone about it.
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chillymorn
I have always heard that women talk about it more than guys.

but I think its 50/50 some do and some don't

I always say nice things like my wife is still as hot as when I married her ....and then follow it up with she also still as big a bi*ch as when we first married. that always get a big laugh in the lockr room.
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M
gbrad said:
Sharing some details about sex with friends is all apart of the experience. If you have really good sex, you want to be able to tell someone about it.
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That reminds me of an old survey I heard about one time. When a bunch of men were asked to choose between being able to have sex with a celebrity of their choice and not be able to tell anyone or not have sex with that person and be able to tell everyone they did...most chose the latter. :scratchhead:
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