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Destroyed

186K views 272 replies 95 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
Not sure where to start but here goes.

Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.

I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!

We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.

I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen

I am utterly lost… ☹
 
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#137 ·
@Brokenheart 2020, I'm so, SO sorry to read both your original posts and your recent update. The therapist should have known better. You should have been told before agreeing to the appointment that it was for further disclosure and given the choice of whether or not you wanted to know more or participate, especially since your choices were taken away when you were cheated on. If they had truly cared about your healing at all, they would not have ambushed you. It must have felt like having the rug pulled out from under you all over again. I'm sure you already know this, but you deserve better.
 
#138 ·
Sorry man but you handled a very bad situation as well as you could.

Smells like the therapist and your wayward thought this would be a good way to win you back. Honesty and play that Shes just a sex addict so all should be forgiven. Poor muffin has an addiction so she’ll work on fixing that and you can live happily ever after. Serial cheaters rarely stop without years of therapy. It’s a nightmare.

No contact is your best friend.
 
#143 ·
Hi all,

I am ok, not great but better than I was. I did what QuietRiot said and took a week to myself and the other lady.

This woman ,I will call her Niamh (A nice Irish name ;)) Anyway, she is a family friend, I was in a friend group with her older brother and sister. She is a single mother now, (childs dad ran off when she got pregnant) never married.
We had been getting closer the weeks leading up up to dday2 but when that happened I just her out. She had been calling and texting obviously worried about me.

I decided to tell her what happened a couple of days ago. I broke down in front of her. ( something I only ever did with my stbx. She was very supportive and just let me vent. I did tell her how I was feeling about her but with the way things are now I am just not ready.
Her Response, She likes me and there is no rush, some things are worth waiting for and just make sure that when I feel ready to date , make sure her number is 1st on the list!!! So yeah my ego got a little boost that day. :)

Not much has changed with STBX, Not much communication unless it is about the kids. When I collect or drop the kids off, she definitely wants to talk but has never asked. I think she knows I will not even acknowledge her at this point.

My anger has gone, I'm done Like a switch has been turned off, . I just feel nothing when I see her. Is this normal?? I cant and don't want that negativity anymore. I just want to move on with my life as best I can.

Still a lot of therapy ahead, Also youngest birthday in a few weeks, need to figure out what we are going to do on the day but will sort something out I suppose. She is my little girl and I will do what I need to do to make her happy.

Thats it for now.........
 
#144 ·
Hi all,

I am ok, not great but better than I was. I did what QuietRiot said and took a week to myself and the other lady.

This woman ,I will call her Niamh (A nice Irish name ;)) Anyway, she is a family friend, I was in a friend group with her older brother and sister. She is a single mother now, (childs dad ran off when she got pregnant) never married.
We had been getting closer the weeks leading up up to dday2 but when that happened I just her out. She had been calling and texting obviously worried about me.

I decided to tell her what happened a couple of days ago. I broke down in front of her. ( something I only ever did with my stbx. She was very supportive and just let me vent. I did tell her how I was feeling about her but with the way things are now I am just not ready.
Her Response, She likes me and there is no rush, some things are worth waiting for and just make sure that when I feel ready to date , make sure her number is 1st on the list!!! So yeah my ego got a little boost that day. :)

Not much has changed with STBX, Not much communication unless it is about the kids. When I collect or drop the kids off, she definitely wants to talk but has never asked. I think she knows I will not even acknowledge her at this point.

My anger has gone, I'm done Like a switch has been turned off, . I just feel nothing when I see her. Is this normal?? I cant and don't want that negativity anymore. I just want to move on with my life as best I can.

Still a lot of therapy ahead, Also youngest birthday in a few weeks, need to figure out what we are going to do on the day but will sort something out I suppose. She is my little girl and I will do what I need to do to make her happy.

Thats it for now.........
Hi Brokenheart2020, it's so good to hear from you, what a wonderful update! Niahm sounds lovely, patience and kindness are as I've discovered, a rare commodity.

The numbness is normal when you decide you want peace more than you want to be miserable. I still remember how that felt, and it was so freeing. I think it is the embodiment of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

You have accepted what you cannot change, you definitely have the courage and are changing what you can and you had the wisdom to know the difference. Stay strong, my friend. Love your kids and yourself, go to therapy and heal. Even if Niahm moves on, she showed you the possibility of what could be.
 
#146 ·
You are a good man who deserves the happiness that the long term is bound to give you.

Ham Sandwich have just announced their winter tour in December across a number of small venues in Eire. Now there is a great night out if you want somewhere to go with Niamh (coincidentally the singer’s name). Try the album White Fox.

Not thread jacking or advertising. Genuine fan of theirs and many of the songs on the album relate to the type of thing you are going through, not in a Leonard Cohen way 😄.
 
#147 ·
Brokenheart
2020

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference." ― Elie Wiesel

I think that you have reached the state of indifference. Its what you need to move on.
 
#148 ·
Trickle truth killed any vestige of feeling may have been residual. Her therapist sounds like an idiot. One of my clients was systematically torn down by his ex’s affairs, and he had been the ultimate gentleman in not exposing her. Idiotically she too thought full disclosure might knock something loose. It certainly did. He became vocal. It started several weeks after his 3rd Dday. One of her gfs called him up to berate him for essentially ghosting his STBX. She got back, “Did you know what was going on behind my back?” Gf says no, I was told that you were argumentative and insulting. He then proceeds to tell about the three different men in their friends group. She stammers that she is sorry. Few hours later the same woman calls back. “I am so so sorry. She lied to everyone. I talked with two of the BW. They’re glad it’s out as someone had to tie a can to her tail. By that weekend his ex was blowing up his phone and email. “Was that really necessary? I mean nobody is talking to me. I lost every friend I had. I’m going to have to move away! “ Clientvtold her that his heart bled for her.
 
#153 ·
Hi Harold,

I am ok, better than I have been at least anyways. Not much has been happening, I have been keeping my distance from STBX, More for my own mental health than anything else. I have been having my dad pick up and drop off the kids. I can't be around her right now. I have told her this by text, She just replied that she understood, apologised again and hoped we could be back on friendly terms someday. I never replied. My dad told me that she really does not look to good. Lost more weight and looks like she hasn't slept and has been been doing a lot of crying. I rang her sister and told her. I apologised for putting this on her shoulders but I just cannot be around my STBX right now. Her sister is very understanding and told me to look after myself 1st.
As much as I hate my ex right now , she is the mother of our kids and they need her as much as they need me. Hopefully she will get the proper help (and a new therapist) but I need to look after me for now.
Myself and Niamh are taking things slow, even though I had said I couldn't be with anyone right now we seem to be still seeing each other. see how things go down the line.
Still nothing planned for my daughters birthday but I am going to have to bite the bullet at some stage and sort something with STBX. I will let you all know how that goes.

Thats it for now. Thank you all again, I know I don't write much here but I really would be much worse off without your help and guidance.
 
#158 ·
You are doing yeoman's work in this. Being steady in your treatment of her is the only way she will get better. You are correct in that your children need a healthy mother, and as difficult as it is, you need to restore an amicable relationship for their sake.
 
#160 ·
Hi All. Sorry, for my delayed response. Being kept busy with the kids off school.
I'm ok, still moving forward. Dealing with stbx as best I can.
Daughter's birthday went well. I took the kids out together the day after her b-day. stbx was disappointed I wasn't staying for the day. As much as I wanted to say, yeah how do you think it makes me feel not spending the day with my daughter on her bday.
I just ignored her and apologised to the kids and said I would see them the following day.

Day out went well. Still some lockdowns in place so brought them swimming and a movie. Then lunch at an American style diner my daughter likes. Brought kids back to my place for daughter s gifts she loved them. Brought kids back to stbx later that day, gave kids hugs told them I loved them and they went in. Stbx tried some small talk, but I just shut it down. I told her all I want to talk about is anything related to the kids. Apologies came again, with tears.
I really do believe that she is remorseful, but too little too late as they say.

That's it for now. No big updates. Taking the kids away to a forest resort in a few weeks. They enjoy outdoors stuff so hopefully we will have some decent weather.

B.
 
#162 ·
H


Hi Galabar,
Unfortunately I have a bit of a way to go. I need to be separated for 2 out of 3 years before I can file. I am currently in year 2 so sometime in 2023 is my target. Divorce laws here are a joke, but it used to be you need to be separated 4 out of 5 years so not as bad now. I say stbx because I have no idea what else to say!!!
My biggest fear is she will not agree when the time comes to sign. Like some of you said here I really do believe when we met with her therapist and the other affairs came out she honestly thought it would help me heal and maybe get us back together down the line, Of course it had the opposite effect and I think it has finally hit her that I am done. during 1 of our arguments (well me screaming, her taking it) after that meeting I said to her, " I don't understand, I am giving you what you want, You can go screw whoever you want without fear of being caught, Just don't do it with the kids home. This was the only time she got angry and screamed back that she never did and would never do that with the kids home, then went back to being timid and silent.

She has lost weight (which she didn't need to lose) looks 10 years older. like she has not had a full nights sleep in months.
I am worried about her, for our kids sake not mine. She loves them and is a great mother but she needs to be physically and mentally able and I can see cracks.
She has gotten a new therapist so hopefully that will help her. (Can't be any worse than her last one to be honest)

So, yeah I have a long way to go but each day is a day closer. My good days outweigh my bad so I will keep moving forward.
B.
 
#166 · (Edited)
@brokenheart I see your national flag and wonder if the laws in Eire are similar to the UK on this in that it takes much longer if the divorce is contested but it can be granted without the agreement of both parties?

And I have to say that, objectively she is not going to be winning any mother of the year awards any time soon. I know that is tough to hear but you need to really try and be more objective about her, for your children's sake.
 
#170 ·
Hi All,

Sorry I haven't replied in a while. It's been a rough couple of months. Where to start.

Things have been going ok until about a week after my last post, I go to collect the kids as usual, STBX asks to talk, I really don't want to but tell the kids to go get ready and tell her to come outside. (Dad was with me, I will not be alone with her anymore) She tells me the kids have been talking about my new "friend" and wants to know if I am seeing her.
Seriously I didn't know whether to laugh or tell her to mind her own f****ing business!!! In the end I went for both and told her yes I am seeing someone and it doesn't concern her anymore. She got mad and said as their mother she has a right to know who her children are going to be with........ yep.....
I just asked was she that concerned when she was bringing people into our home to f**k them??? She of course gets upset. Dad intervenes and says that this convo is over and we can try again another time. I take the kids and leave.

Fast forward to early late Aug , I am returning the kids, We haven't really talked since our last "discussion" unless it is about the kids. Says she needs to tell me something, We sit down (Dad too) and tells me she is pregnant, After what felt like hours I just blurted out congratulations. I honestly didn't know what to say. I then asked who the father was, She didn't know. Apparently the evening we had our argument she decided to go out with some friends, They met some guys at a restaurant went back to their hotel and yeah.... ONS with no details of who the guys are, They are not local and no details exchanged. I was honestly confused, Like why is she telling me this? So I ask, She starts crying saying she has f***ed everything up, She doesn't know what to do. It was a mistake, after our argument she was just upset, sad, angry with herself. Reality was finally hitting her that I was moving on with someone new. She just wanted to drown her sorrows and never meant for this. At this point she was in hysterics. I asked dad to take the kids home and I would follow later.

I got her calmed down, talked some more about what she wants to do. I called her sister up and she was shocked. She could not come down to see her sister as she had her own family to take care of. I asked her if there was anyone who could come over and stay with her and we called a friend from her work, she came over and I left. My mind was racing, I knew she would keep it, Will she use this pregnancy to lure me back in if so how? It's not the baby's fault and my kids will be it's siblings. A million thoughts running through my head, Why me, What did I do in a past life to deserve this ****....

This is turning into a novel, Lots more happened, Niamh was worried about how our relationship was going, I am still very closed with my feelings, Dad had Covid (ok now, he was vaccinated but was was still very ill) Then 2 weeks ago I get a visit from the police, STBXW crashed her car into a tree while drink driving and she still has me as her primary contact. Thank god no one else was hurt. Kids were with me. Baby is fine, She has some serious bruising but nothing too bad.

I got to the hospital and when I knew her and the baby were going to be ok, I was so pissed. I called her out on what she was doing, why the f**k would she do this what was going on in her head. Tears flowing from her again, blaming herself for all this, self pity crap and I am sick of it. I know I am too nice for my own good but I cant seem to stop. I don't want to be with her anymore, I am really starting hate myself for wanting to help her.

For now kids are with me until she recovers, Niamh has been my rock and I know i need to open up to her more, I still do not know why she is interested in me with this boulder hanging around my neck. Mentally I am a bit of a mess, IC is barely helping me anymore but I will continue to go

So yeah, Life is great/**** and everything in-between. I have left so much out but had to cut it out, This novel is getting way too long...
 
#190 ·
Hi All,

Sorry I haven't replied in a while. It's been a rough couple of months. Where to start.
....
My mind was racing, I knew she would keep it, Will she use this pregnancy to lure me back in if so how? It's not the baby's fault and my kids will be it's siblings. A million thoughts running through my head, Why me, What did I do in a past life to deserve this ****....
gosh, i HOPE you are smart enough to not get roped in here!
having my ex get pregnant by some clowns she met in a bar would make here the most despicable person on the planet to me. how can you even THINK that that might "lure you back".

just treat her as if she has Ebola now.
 
#172 ·
Going to be harsh here but I think you need it.

Why the f*ck are YOU getting involved in all of this?

She is no longer your wife, you are not responsible for her and her actions.

The baby and her pregnancy has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, absolutely F*ck All. Why are you getting involved?

She has her own family who should be looking after her, not you.

Yes, you need to make sure your kids are well looked after but YOU are in serious danger of blowing your current relationship.

Why do you have to be the knight in shining armour all the time? Does it make you fell good about yourself because, if so, perhaps you may be better redirecting towards people who matter in your life such as Niamh.

Please spare us any rubbish about ”how you still care for her” or “you still love her” or “I can’t just walk away”.

What has happened to you? Don’t you remember the first d day when you found out about her affair and threesome, or the second d day when she told you about all the other affairs? You behaved admirably during that time, with strength and integrity. Go back and read your latest post and tell us that still applies!

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself your priorities are your kids, you and your current relationship and that is all. If nothing else, just think about how your dad would feel if you took her back and started taking any responsibility for this baby. What would he think of you?

No more “talks” (boy did you get suckered in there), no more having you as her ‘go to’ guy, no more ‘running to her when things wrong’

MODERATORS, PLEASE DON’T DELETE THIS POST BECAUSE YOU MAY THINK IT IS TOO HARSH OR INSULTING. I HAVE WRITTEN THIS BECAUSE I THINK HE NEEDS TO HEAR IT AND BECAUSE I WANT TO REALLY HELP WITH WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE SOUND ADVICE DELIVERED IN AN APPROPRIATE MANNER.
 
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