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Discussion Starter · #143 ·
Hi all,

I am ok, not great but better than I was. I did what QuietRiot said and took a week to myself and the other lady.

This woman ,I will call her Niamh (A nice Irish name ;)) Anyway, she is a family friend, I was in a friend group with her older brother and sister. She is a single mother now, (childs dad ran off when she got pregnant) never married.
We had been getting closer the weeks leading up up to dday2 but when that happened I just her out. She had been calling and texting obviously worried about me.

I decided to tell her what happened a couple of days ago. I broke down in front of her. ( something I only ever did with my stbx. She was very supportive and just let me vent. I did tell her how I was feeling about her but with the way things are now I am just not ready.
Her Response, She likes me and there is no rush, some things are worth waiting for and just make sure that when I feel ready to date , make sure her number is 1st on the list!!! So yeah my ego got a little boost that day. :)

Not much has changed with STBX, Not much communication unless it is about the kids. When I collect or drop the kids off, she definitely wants to talk but has never asked. I think she knows I will not even acknowledge her at this point.

My anger has gone, I'm done Like a switch has been turned off, . I just feel nothing when I see her. Is this normal?? I cant and don't want that negativity anymore. I just want to move on with my life as best I can.

Still a lot of therapy ahead, Also youngest birthday in a few weeks, need to figure out what we are going to do on the day but will sort something out I suppose. She is my little girl and I will do what I need to do to make her happy.

Thats it for now.........
 

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Hi all,

I am ok, not great but better than I was. I did what QuietRiot said and took a week to myself and the other lady.

This woman ,I will call her Niamh (A nice Irish name ;)) Anyway, she is a family friend, I was in a friend group with her older brother and sister. She is a single mother now, (childs dad ran off when she got pregnant) never married.
We had been getting closer the weeks leading up up to dday2 but when that happened I just her out. She had been calling and texting obviously worried about me.

I decided to tell her what happened a couple of days ago. I broke down in front of her. ( something I only ever did with my stbx. She was very supportive and just let me vent. I did tell her how I was feeling about her but with the way things are now I am just not ready.
Her Response, She likes me and there is no rush, some things are worth waiting for and just make sure that when I feel ready to date , make sure her number is 1st on the list!!! So yeah my ego got a little boost that day. :)

Not much has changed with STBX, Not much communication unless it is about the kids. When I collect or drop the kids off, she definitely wants to talk but has never asked. I think she knows I will not even acknowledge her at this point.

My anger has gone, I'm done Like a switch has been turned off, . I just feel nothing when I see her. Is this normal?? I cant and don't want that negativity anymore. I just want to move on with my life as best I can.

Still a lot of therapy ahead, Also youngest birthday in a few weeks, need to figure out what we are going to do on the day but will sort something out I suppose. She is my little girl and I will do what I need to do to make her happy.

Thats it for now.........
Hi Brokenheart2020, it's so good to hear from you, what a wonderful update! Niahm sounds lovely, patience and kindness are as I've discovered, a rare commodity.

The numbness is normal when you decide you want peace more than you want to be miserable. I still remember how that felt, and it was so freeing. I think it is the embodiment of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

You have accepted what you cannot change, you definitely have the courage and are changing what you can and you had the wisdom to know the difference. Stay strong, my friend. Love your kids and yourself, go to therapy and heal. Even if Niahm moves on, she showed you the possibility of what could be.
 

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Hi all,

I am ok, not great but better than I was. I did what QuietRiot said and took a week to myself and the other lady.

This woman ,I will call her Niamh (A nice Irish name ;)) Anyway, she is a family friend, I was in a friend group with her older brother and sister. She is a single mother now, (childs dad ran off when she got pregnant) never married.
We had been getting closer the weeks leading up up to dday2 but when that happened I just her out. She had been calling and texting obviously worried about me.

I decided to tell her what happened a couple of days ago. I broke down in front of her. ( something I only ever did with my stbx. She was very supportive and just let me vent. I did tell her how I was feeling about her but with the way things are now I am just not ready.
Her Response, She likes me and there is no rush, some things are worth waiting for and just make sure that when I feel ready to date , make sure her number is 1st on the list!!! So yeah my ego got a little boost that day. :)

Not much has changed with STBX, Not much communication unless it is about the kids. When I collect or drop the kids off, she definitely wants to talk but has never asked. I think she knows I will not even acknowledge her at this point.

My anger has gone, I'm done Like a switch has been turned off, . I just feel nothing when I see her. Is this normal?? I cant and don't want that negativity anymore. I just want to move on with my life as best I can.

Still a lot of therapy ahead, Also youngest birthday in a few weeks, need to figure out what we are going to do on the day but will sort something out I suppose. She is my little girl and I will do what I need to do to make her happy.

Thats it for now.........
I really like that you are so in touch with your needs. That you can identify and feel pain but still understand that it’s an emotion and question the whys of how you feel.

I think numbness is a surprising but very common reaction. I often alternate between pain, anger, and numbness when things are really bad. I think when we get overloaded with too many negative emotions sometimes our brain shuts them off for awhile. Like an induced coma for trauma.

Your friend sounds like a really nice lady. And mature. It doesn’t sound like she’s going anywhere and I’m sure it won’t be so very long until you work through this, you seem so intuitive and insightful about your own needs. The birthday party will be rough on you, but I think your little girls joy and excitement about her day will help you. Good luck and stay strong.
 

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You are a good man who deserves the happiness that the long term is bound to give you.

Ham Sandwich have just announced their winter tour in December across a number of small venues in Eire. Now there is a great night out if you want somewhere to go with Niamh (coincidentally the singer’s name). Try the album White Fox.

Not thread jacking or advertising. Genuine fan of theirs and many of the songs on the album relate to the type of thing you are going through, not in a Leonard Cohen way 😄.
 

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Brokenheart
2020

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference." ― Elie Wiesel

I think that you have reached the state of indifference. Its what you need to move on.
 

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Trickle truth killed any vestige of feeling may have been residual. Her therapist sounds like an idiot. One of my clients was systematically torn down by his ex’s affairs, and he had been the ultimate gentleman in not exposing her. Idiotically she too thought full disclosure might knock something loose. It certainly did. He became vocal. It started several weeks after his 3rd Dday. One of her gfs called him up to berate him for essentially ghosting his STBX. She got back, “Did you know what was going on behind my back?” Gf says no, I was told that you were argumentative and insulting. He then proceeds to tell about the three different men in their friends group. She stammers that she is sorry. Few hours later the same woman calls back. “I am so so sorry. She lied to everyone. I talked with two of the BW. They’re glad it’s out as someone had to tie a can to her tail. By that weekend his ex was blowing up his phone and email. “Was that really necessary? I mean nobody is talking to me. I lost every friend I had. I’m going to have to move away! “ Clientvtold her that his heart bled for her.
 

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For your little ones B-day -- just have a celebration with YOUR family and the kids. DO NOT include the STBXW. If SHE wants to celebrate the birthday, she can do it separately.
 

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Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
Not sure where to start but here goes.

Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.

I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!

We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.

I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen

I am utterly lost… ☹
Omg I know the pain I just found out my husband wants sex with men Im a women I found the dirty emails and the way your expressing how you feel is what I feel now
 

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Hi all,

I am ok, not great but better than I was. I did what QuietRiot said and took a week to myself and the other lady.

This woman ,I will call her Niamh (A nice Irish name ;)) Anyway, she is a family friend, I was in a friend group with her older brother and sister. She is a single mother now, (childs dad ran off when she got pregnant) never married.
We had been getting closer the weeks leading up up to dday2 but when that happened I just her out. She had been calling and texting obviously worried about me.

I decided to tell her what happened a couple of days ago. I broke down in front of her. ( something I only ever did with my stbx. She was very supportive and just let me vent. I did tell her how I was feeling about her but with the way things are now I am just not ready.
Her Response, She likes me and there is no rush, some things are worth waiting for and just make sure that when I feel ready to date , make sure her number is 1st on the list!!! So yeah my ego got a little boost that day. :)

Not much has changed with STBX, Not much communication unless it is about the kids. When I collect or drop the kids off, she definitely wants to talk but has never asked. I think she knows I will not even acknowledge her at this point.

My anger has gone, I'm done Like a switch has been turned off, . I just feel nothing when I see her. Is this normal?? I cant and don't want that negativity anymore. I just want to move on with my life as best I can.

Still a lot of therapy ahead, Also youngest birthday in a few weeks, need to figure out what we are going to do on the day but will sort something out I suppose. She is my little girl and I will do what I need to do to make her happy.

Thats it for now.........
I am going to tell you something that probably won't help you now but may help you later. Your ex-wife's brokenness probably effected every part of your entire relationship and you just didn't realize it. I suspect when you heal, and whoever you are with, you will be shocked at the way some things just come much easier and how much deeper the relationship can be.

Think of your wife like a crack addict who hid it. If you think of that scenario do you really think that person would be a good spouse? It just doesn't work that way.

I am telling you that not to make you feel bad, you shouldn't your ex was a fraud, you didn't have a chance which is not your fault. I am telling you to give you something to look forward to, to give you some hope, I don't think you really have an experience of how it can be with someone who is solid. Eventually you can look forward to that. Also you are not really losing something that was great, if anything this gives you a chance to have something good.
 

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Discussion Starter · #153 ·
Hi Harold,

I am ok, better than I have been at least anyways. Not much has been happening, I have been keeping my distance from STBX, More for my own mental health than anything else. I have been having my dad pick up and drop off the kids. I can't be around her right now. I have told her this by text, She just replied that she understood, apologised again and hoped we could be back on friendly terms someday. I never replied. My dad told me that she really does not look to good. Lost more weight and looks like she hasn't slept and has been been doing a lot of crying. I rang her sister and told her. I apologised for putting this on her shoulders but I just cannot be around my STBX right now. Her sister is very understanding and told me to look after myself 1st.
As much as I hate my ex right now , she is the mother of our kids and they need her as much as they need me. Hopefully she will get the proper help (and a new therapist) but I need to look after me for now.
Myself and Niamh are taking things slow, even though I had said I couldn't be with anyone right now we seem to be still seeing each other. see how things go down the line.
Still nothing planned for my daughters birthday but I am going to have to bite the bullet at some stage and sort something with STBX. I will let you all know how that goes.

Thats it for now. Thank you all again, I know I don't write much here but I really would be much worse off without your help and guidance.
 

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For your D's birthday, why don't YOU plan something with the kids just YOU and them. If your wife wants to celebrate, she can do that herself.
 

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You are doing as well as can be expected under these horrific circumstances. No contact will be great for you’re wellbeing.

The one thing you seem to have that many don’t is the ability to make a decision and not linger in limbo.

Indecision is a cheaters best friend and a betrayed worst enemy.
 
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