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Hi All,

Well it's done. We are legally separated. We both signed off on it last week. Her sister came with her. When we got outside she broke down, Apologising over and over. I don't know why but I felt sorry for her. I went over and hugged her her. I just said I needed to do this. I may be able to forgive in time but I will NEVER forget.
Again I stated we need to be the best parents we can be for our kids. She kept saying sorry, She knows she Fd up.

I let her go, told her to go with her sister and take some time to reflect and I would be over to pick the kids up Sunday.

I got to my car and everything came rushing at once, Her cheating, the break up of my family my kids lives changed forever, and I just ugly cried for what felt like hours. I booked a hotel room, bought a large bottle of Jameson and proceeded to get wasted. She was texting and calling,I just turned my phone off and wallowed and cried some more.

Woke up the next day feeling like **** but better emotionally. Still hurting but dealing with it as best I could. (IC appointment later today should be fun!!!) Turned on my phone to a ton of messages. I deleted them all without reading.(Thankful I turned my phone off, Im sure I would have told her to come over in my drunken state)

These thoughts were getting to me and I could feel my anger rising and didn't want to go down that path. So just went about the rest of my week and wknd trying to keep myself busy. I picked the kids up Sunday with my dad and we were going to go out to our local park and get something to eat later, She started asking me why I had my phone off and that she was worried, and still cared.
Im not proud of it but I lost it. I asked my dad to load the kids into the car and just let it all out. I tore her to shreds (not raising my voice, didn't want the kids to hear) but I had a lot of venom in my tone and words. Why would I be ok with the breakup of my family, Her tearing my heart to shreds and stomping all over it. Destroying me. Did she care when she was f*****g those other 2 people in our home??? you get the idea. I went on for about 10 mins, until my dad called me. I think he knew I had to get it off my chest. She was again in tears and apologising for everything. I got myself composed told her I had to go. My dad went up to her hugged her and said something and came back to the car.

I rang her sister and told her what happened and she should call her. Spent the rest of the day with the kids and my dad. He just asked if I was ok, I said no but I would be. I didn't ask what he had said to her, I didn't really care. He loved her like a daughter and she will always be his grandkids mother so he will always be talking to her. I'm ok with that. He knows I had to do what I did and agrees what she did was the worst kind of wrong, but still cares for her.

I did end up texting apologising for the way I let loose with my outburst but that it needed to be said. She just said she understood and it was ok.

So that's where I am for now.
3 years and counting....................
I definitely lashed out several times and a lot more comes out than actually intended, and the vitriol too. But then the guilt comes afterward and that confuses me, because the anger is righteous and in reaction to what was done to my family and kids and my marriage... I mean the words pale in comparison to what caused them. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that all the emotions happen, including guilt and continued caring about the cheater. Just saying I can relate to everything you’ve stated.

You actually sound very strong and I respect that you can still have compassion and maturity while doing the right thing for yourself and your kids.
 

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You have behaved with great integrity throughout this process and should be more forgiving about yourself. She needed to hear the pain she put you through and I am glad she took it properly.

Why was she crying? Because she got caught? Because she has lost the comfort and safety that you provided? Would find it difficult to believe that she was really showing remorse for the right reasons.

From what has been said in earlier posts, I think she is in this for the long haul and will use time to try to restore the relationship. Will that be because she truly loves you or will it be for more selfish purposes? Given her history, I would sincerely doubt her ability, or desire, to be faithful. I think you know this already but it is worth remembering if, as others say, she tries to reconcile.

Wishing you all the very best for the future. Merry Christmas to you, your dad and kids.
 

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I think you’ll find going forward the less contact the better.
Why? This is the Quickest way to indifference . Once there you can have the life you deserve. Make no mistake. No one worthwhile is going to want an x in the mix. Your Kids will adjust.

good luck
 

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You have done absolutely amazing.

What you need is a cute girl to catch your eye... nothing serious.... just get your thoughts pointed in a different direction.
 

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And lets face it, there is no shortage of cute colleens in good old Eire!
 

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BH2020..... hows yousa doin?
 

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Discussion Starter · #110 ·
Hi Chuck,

Wish I could say I was doing well. A little bit has gone down since my last post.

So early Feb I got Covid, Living with my Dad I did not want to expose him and was looking for places to hold up, STBX offers her home. Kids would stay with my dad to limit exposure. I was hesitant but it was the best option with little notice.

Nothing happened, I was far too ill and STBX just left food and water outside my room and asked if I needed anything etc etc, After 2 weeks I was feeling better had the all clear. Things were ok between us. She never tried anything and I was surprised by it to be honest. I had been expecting some sort of pleading to get back together.

So if you remember in another post I was saying she was asking me to go see her her therapist with her a few times. Well I decided I would go if it would help her, kindness for kindness i thought. We were in a good position, Co parenting really well. I tell her if she still wants me to go I will go for 1 session and 1 only. She agrees and thanks me.

So appointment is set, I meet her there and go in and sit down. Pleasantries exchanged, and this is where it all goes to s***!!! Her therapist tells me my stbx has something she wants to tell me. Iook at her and only noticed then how nervous she looked. I swear I heard admiral akbar scream its a trap!! (Sorry for the star wars pun, May 4th and all that) .
Internally I am so wound up not sure what to expect, Try to look calm as I possibly could, So I just look at my STBX and wait for her to talk.

She starts with the I love you and never meant to hurt you but I want to be honest with you as you deserve it.

Yep guess how many other people there were and how long this was going on?? 7 other people (men and women) over the entire relationship. 1 night stands. couple of affairs lasting months. Couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was seriously lost for words. How did I miss all this. My whole relationship was a f***ing lie!!
She said she came to realize she had a sex addiction and to the thrill of someone new. That she truly did love me and never meant to hurt me!! What the actual f***!! Once she was finished I sat there for what seemed like hours until the therapist asked if I was ok. I was so f******pissed but tried to stay calm. I stood up, Said thank you for being honest with me and walk out. They both called me back. I just replied. You are NOT my therapist so I will not be saying anything to you. Turned to my STBX and said. Do not contact me ever again unless it has to do with the children. You are dead to me. And walked out. I seriously do not even know how I got home.
That was early March, she tried to get in touch but I told her if she tries one more time a restraining order will be coming her way. She has stopped. When I do go to pick up or drop the kids off I just tell her anything that has happened or if they need anything. And vice versa. She looks terrible but no worse than me I suppose.

Why do people do this. She could have been with as many people as she wanted. Why drag me into this. I feel like I'm back at square 1. I never saw any signs until the end. I am so emotionally messed up right now. I doubt myself in everything I do.

So yeah lots more therapy for me and a lifetime of having her in my life no matter how little.
 

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Sorry man, that is really rough. Shame on the therapist for being complicit in such an ambush done purely for the benefit of your STBX.

That said, try and let the truth set you free. This woman was seriously ****ed up and never loved you in a away that had any real value to you. There is no need to pine for her or wonder about what might have been. She was never the wife you needed or deserved. Show her and everyone else that by living your best life without her.
 

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So sorry @Brokenheart 2020 but you will get through this. You are young and have a good life to look forward to. There will be a day in the future when you will have a true love with you, the pain will be a distant memory and having come through so much will look around you and be glad of your experiences for they will have made you into the man you are.

Now things are very raw and your STBXW is selfish- selfish to the core, like all people with addictions. They never think of the damage or the consequences and are still looking for vindication. You can get through this.
 

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How did I miss all this. My whole relationship was a f***ing lie!!
I was married for 16 years. To a woman who had almost nothing when we met. I had just graduated from school as a young doctor and my career took off, I was making good money from the start. I left her in control of all the house finances, the checking and savings accounts, etc. I blindly trusted her, never even looked. And I'm a guy who is a good businessman, savvy, and financially responsible.

We befriended a couple in the neighborhood and one night me and the guy were out to dinner and he says to me "Do you have any idea how much money your wife spends? My wife couldn't believe how much stuff she was buying, and offered to buy for her, and told her how much she buys for her (extended, loser, drug addicts on welfare) family. My wife declined but your wife was peristent saying how much money her husband makes so why not spend it".

My eyes slowly opened and I started going through the accounts. How did I miss this? My relationship was a big f'ing lie as well. I know it's not as "bad" as being cheated on but it was a dealbreaker. Point being, we don't see what we don't WANT to see, it's called "denial" which is an evolutionary thing designed to protect us but more often it sets us up for more damage in the long run.

Don't blame yourself for missing it. That's what human nature is all about my friend.
 

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BH2020, my heart goes out to you from this side of the ocean. You will bounce back from this and meet the woman you deserve. The best revenge is living well. Funny how the term "*****" has evolved to the term "sex addict" nowadays.
 

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You’ll never know if that number was real, or if anything she ever said was real, but hopefully you’ll find your own therapist and start working on letting it go. I think everyone who’s been married to a cheater often reviews their marriage, wondering what they missed and how they missed it. I know I do.
 

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OMG, unbelievable, just unbelievable. So sorry that she did this to you. Why has come clean all of a sudden? Was it to hurt you? Can’t really think of another reason. Is there a professional body that you can report the therapist to? At the very least, I would ask her about the complaint process to shake her up.

I would be mad but, grasping at straws, does the number really matter? Just one would have been enough. The other thing this does is just kill everything off.

Please don’t doubt yourself. Once again at this meeting, you conducted yourself with a great deal of integrity and you should be proud of yourself. You are doing a great job with your kids and putting your life back together. Your choice to rise above the latest news is absolutely the right one.

I’ll tell you what, you are a better man than me in the way you have dealt everything.
 

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So sorry you had to go through all of that. It is like a new d-day with new revelations.

Can't say it's a surprise though. Where there was 2 and a history of threesomes, there were likely to be others. Serial cheaters are often very good liars and broken inside. All you can do is shake your head and thank your lucky stars knowing that you are now out of her tornado and free to find someone else.

I don't agree with Harold that you should be angry with the therapist. If WW believes that she is an addict, then part of that process (see the tenets of AA, NA or SAA 12 step process) includes coming to grips with who you, "taking inventory" and then taking the steps necessary to deal with it, so you can heal.

She never was who you thought she was and accordingly this was never about you. So, while this was dropped in your lap and may be a lot for you to deal with, thankfully the kids are yours and she is trying to get better and get healthy. It doesn't stem your shock and anger at this point, but over time you will let it go. Maybe a visit to an AlAnon meeting might. You may relate quite well to the other spouses of addicts in the group.

go néirigh an t-ádh leat
 

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Hi Chuck,

Wish I could say I was doing well. A little bit has gone down since my last post.

So early Feb I got Covid, Living with my Dad I did not want to expose him and was looking for places to hold up, STBX offers her home. Kids would stay with my dad to limit exposure. I was hesitant but it was the best option with little notice.

Nothing happened, I was far too ill and STBX just left food and water outside my room and asked if I needed anything etc etc, After 2 weeks I was feeling better had the all clear. Things were ok between us. She never tried anything and I was surprised by it to be honest. I had been expecting some sort of pleading to get back together.

So if you remember in another post I was saying she was asking me to go see her her therapist with her a few times. Well I decided I would go if it would help her, kindness for kindness i thought. We were in a good position, Co parenting really well. I tell her if she still wants me to go I will go for 1 session and 1 only. She agrees and thanks me.

So appointment is set, I meet her there and go in and sit down. Pleasantries exchanged, and this is where it all goes to s***!!! Her therapist tells me my stbx has something she wants to tell me. Iook at her and only noticed then how nervous she looked. I swear I heard admiral akbar scream its a trap!! (Sorry for the star wars pun, May 4th and all that) .
Internally I am so wound up not sure what to expect, Try to look calm as I possibly could, So I just look at my STBX and wait for her to talk.

She starts with the I love you and never meant to hurt you but I want to be honest with you as you deserve it.

Yep guess how many other people there were and how long this was going on?? 7 other people (men and women) over the entire relationship. 1 night stands. couple of affairs lasting months. Couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was seriously lost for words. How did I miss all this. My whole relationship was a f***ing lie!!
She said she came to realize she had a sex addiction and to the thrill of someone new. That she truly did love me and never meant to hurt me!! What the actual f***!! Once she was finished I sat there for what seemed like hours until the therapist asked if I was ok. I was so f******pissed but tried to stay calm. I stood up, Said thank you for being honest with me and walk out. They both called me back. I just replied. You are NOT my therapist so I will not be saying anything to you. Turned to my STBX and said. Do not contact me ever again unless it has to do with the children. You are dead to me. And walked out. I seriously do not even know how I got home.
That was early March, she tried to get in touch but I told her if she tries one more time a restraining order will be coming her way. She has stopped. When I do go to pick up or drop the kids off I just tell her anything that has happened or if they need anything. And vice versa. She looks terrible but no worse than me I suppose.

Why do people do this. She could have been with as many people as she wanted. Why drag me into this. I feel like I'm back at square 1. I never saw any signs until the end. I am so emotionally messed up right now. I doubt myself in everything I do.

So yeah lots more therapy for me and a lifetime of having her in my life no matter how little.
I’m at a loss for words... wtf. I am so sorry that she did this to you, all of it.

I can’t help but wonder... what was her motivation for telling you this, at this point?!? Wow.
 

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I’m at a loss for words... wtf. I am so sorry that she did this to you, all of it.

I can’t help but wonder... what was her motivation for telling you this, at this point?!? Wow.
She did it to relived herself of the guilt she was carrying and didn’t give a damn that it was going to hurt him. Purely selfish motive.


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