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You’re doing good! My opinion... say no to seeing her therapist and no to her farce of a family Christmas together. She threw all of that away, so she can suck it up and figure it out.


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What it sounds like she’s saying is that she wants to be able to have sex with her college AP whenever she feels like it but she doesn’t want a relationship with her — she only wants that with you. As to the therapist, there’s no reason for that so the answer should continue to be no. As to Christmas, only possibility is with lots of family around, so no to just you, her, and the children. You’ve got a very long way to go until you can divorce her so she feels time is on her side to get you back. And she’ll keep trying.
 

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So sorry you have to struggle with this. I mean, what she did is just not acceptable. If you want to reconcile, you will have to find a way to forgive, and I think the only way to do that on something this bad is if you truly just understand her so well that you understand why she did it and accept that. I'm not saying you should. I'm just saying you can't stay if you can't forgive her, and that is a tall mountain to climb that asks too much of you. Also, if you do understand why she did it to the point you can forgive it, what is to stop her from doing it again or you feeling like doing something similar? To me, she doesn't sound like a person who needs to be married, straight up.
 

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And I have to say, her bringing that over to the family home -- if she's single and has the kids part of the time, can you trust her not to bring strangers over? I know she has a relationship with the woman, but you don't want strange men in the house when kids are there.
 
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Hi All,

Separation is going as well. We should be legally separated before Christmas. We have been put into another full-scale lockdown due to Covid until early December so this has slowed things down, but everything has been agreed and house sold. All assets split also so basically just need to get papers signed and made official. Once that is done, I just have another 3 years to go before divorce!!!
Not so soon to be ex-wife (NSSTBX) was still trying to talk about getting back together, I shut her down every time. I have told her she needs to stop for the sake of the kids and being good co parents and if she kept pushing, I would go NC except for issues regards our kids. She has stopped but I will not hold my breath just yet. (although something has come up, see further below)
She has been going to IC since dday and has asked me to join her in one of her sessions as the therapist would like to meet me. I have declined so far as I do not see what good will come of it.

Kids are doing great and have settled in quite quickly to their new homes/routines/school. Have new friends too which I am really happy about. We have agreed on 50/50 custody with 1st choice for taking kids if the other parent needs to be away for work etc. She has been asking about Christmas arrangements, I was offering some options, but she wants to this Christmas together as a family, I am hesitant to say the least. I have told her I am a little uncomfortable with this and do not want the kids (and her) getting the wrong idea. She said she understood but asked me to think about it. On 1 hand I don’t want to, we are not a family anymore she saw to that. On the other hand, these are my children and the thoughts of our 1st Christmas not together is really killing me, so I am unsure what to do. If I do agree I would make sure we are not alone, My Dad will most definitely be there and I may get her sisters family up. (Her sister has been been very vocal about siding with me on this but they are sisters and are still very close) and our kids love each other so that is a possibility.
To be honest I will have my NSSTBX in my life forever with our kids, but I want to make the next 3 years as easy on me as possible. So far she has agreed to everything in regards to the separation and except for the “I want us to stay together” and “I will always love you” remarks which bother and like I said shut down just as fast. We have been friendly towards each other. 3 years is a long time and I guess I am just waiting for the day she turns nasty, but again I have seen no hints of this.

Bandit 45
Early in our relationship, with a few drinks on us the topic of past relationships came up. I had been with a few women, nothing too crazy. She had a few relationships also but admitted to having threesomes in college a few times. I asked then was she bisexual, she said no, just enjoyed the sex and it was fun etc.. She asked would I ever be interested. I was honest and said I was a red blooded male of course the idea of being with 2 women was a huge turn on, but also said I could not do a threesome with her and another man (hypocritical I know) and I would never expect or ask for one with another woman. She said she felt the same, The idea of me with another woman made her jealous. So that was that. Never came up again and didn’t give it much thought.
After DDay I brought up this conversation up, and in-between bursts of anger and crying asked had she been with her female AP while in college, she admitted to this and said the threesomes were with her too. I said too!!!???? So you were just with her alone too? She knew she slipped up and admitted to sleeping with he AP in college on and off for a few years, usually when intoxicated, but still would not say she was bisexual when I confronted her on it, however after a few IC sessions she has agreed with the therapist and told me she may have some bisexual tendencies, but would never want a relationship with a woman!! No idea what that means to be honest. Happy to be married to me and cheat on me with a woman?? Never mind the male AP!!! Maybe that’s why she wants me to go to see her therapist, to get this out there?

That’s it for now, I think. Still on the very long road to divorce. A long way to go. I know I don’t post much, But I do appreciate all of your feedback and have read everything.
I will keep you updated as soon as anything important comes up and will try to answer any questions.

Not so Broken 😊
I’ve had the same thoughts about Christmas and holidays.
I just don’t want to make my kids choose, feel forced into or feel like they are missing a parent for the holidays. My comfort is not even a question in comparison to theirs so I’ll do whatever I have to. But who knows what the future will bring. Obviously many many things could change for next year and beyond.
 

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Discussion Starter · #87 ·
I’ve had the same thoughts about Christmas and holidays.
I just don’t want to make my kids choose, feel forced into or feel like they are missing a parent for the holidays. My comfort is not even a question in comparison to theirs so I’ll do whatever I have to. But who knows what the future will bring. Obviously many many things could change for next year and beyond.
This is my thinking also. This will most likely be our last Christmas together as a family unit,but I really do not want to be alone with her. She has stopped asking about reconciliation and the I love yous, sorrys, etc. But who knows how long that will last. This is why I. Thinking of inviting her sisters family. My dad would also be there.
Kids would get a great Christmas and I would have the safety of other people around. I still have not agreed to it but may go with this option or a no deal.
 

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This is my thinking also. This will most likely be our last Christmas together as a family unit,but I really do not want to be alone with her. She has stopped asking about reconciliation and the I love yous, sorrys, etc. But who knows how long that will last. This is why I. Thinking of inviting her sisters family. My dad would also be there.
Kids would get a great Christmas and I would have the safety of other people around. I still have not agreed to it but may go with this option or a no deal.
Definitely do what makes things more comfortable for you, I think filling your house with family is a great idea. It’s really sad I just want the holidays over with. It’s usually my favorite time of year.
2020 is extra special for those of us going through this crap in addition to the regular dumpster fire of a year.
 

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Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
Not sure where to start but here goes.

Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.

I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!

We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.

I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen

I am utterly lost… ☹
It will take take years to even look at recovering ...if Ever...I could not live with my WWs betrayal ....
It was her Boss...i Napalmed his wife with the Photos.....posted them on her friends Facebook pages...they them them down Quick but not before damaged was done and showed them to her family...and basically destroyed her career..

I burned Everything to the ground...Everything....and Never looked back...Remember all Faiths require us to Forgive ...All faiths..BUT NOWHERE does it say i Must have reconciliation...

Thought for the day"Do not confuse Forgiveness with Reconciliation for they are NOT the same thing."
 

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Discussion Starter · #92 ·
Just checking in on you. How are you doing?
Hi Kamstel,

Not much of an update, separation should be finalised this week. It was delayed due to covid restrictions over the whole country but they have been lifted somewhat so I was told to expect to formally sign later this week.

WW (Seriously what should I call her if I cannot even divorce for another 3 years!!) has been relatively quiet. Other than talking about issues in regards to the kids she has not kept in contact too much, And if it is just a random text I do not answer.
We will be spending Christmas as a family with my Dad and SIL family so it may be a little awkward but I am doing it for my kids. I told her we will not be spending any time alone and asked her not to drink (I will also not drink ) as I do not want any "accidents or "mistakes". She agreed.

That's really it for now, I will update more if I get the separation signed off. 🤞🤞🤞
 

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Sounds like you are doing a great job with everything that she has done.

As to what call her, how about STBX?(soon to be ex). Yes, I know it is 3 years, but it is better than WW
 

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Sounds like you are doing a great job with everything that she has done.

As to what call her, how about STBX?(soon to be ex). Yes, I know it is 3 years, but it is better than WW
no to the above. it withholds the reason why they are separated
and divorcing.

better to just add the letter X or ex.
as in XWW or exWW.
 

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Discussion Starter · #96 ·
Hi All,

Well it's done. We are legally separated. We both signed off on it last week. Her sister came with her. When we got outside she broke down, Apologising over and over. I don't know why but I felt sorry for her. I went over and hugged her her. I just said I needed to do this. I may be able to forgive in time but I will NEVER forget.
Again I stated we need to be the best parents we can be for our kids. She kept saying sorry, She knows she Fd up.

I let her go, told her to go with her sister and take some time to reflect and I would be over to pick the kids up Sunday.

I got to my car and everything came rushing at once, Her cheating, the break up of my family my kids lives changed forever, and I just ugly cried for what felt like hours. I booked a hotel room, bought a large bottle of Jameson and proceeded to get wasted. She was texting and calling,I just turned my phone off and wallowed and cried some more.

Woke up the next day feeling like **** but better emotionally. Still hurting but dealing with it as best I could. (IC appointment later today should be fun!!!) Turned on my phone to a ton of messages. I deleted them all without reading.(Thankful I turned my phone off, Im sure I would have told her to come over in my drunken state)

These thoughts were getting to me and I could feel my anger rising and didn't want to go down that path. So just went about the rest of my week and wknd trying to keep myself busy. I picked the kids up Sunday with my dad and we were going to go out to our local park and get something to eat later, She started asking me why I had my phone off and that she was worried, and still cared.
Im not proud of it but I lost it. I asked my dad to load the kids into the car and just let it all out. I tore her to shreds (not raising my voice, didn't want the kids to hear) but I had a lot of venom in my tone and words. Why would I be ok with the breakup of my family, Her tearing my heart to shreds and stomping all over it. Destroying me. Did she care when she was f*****g those other 2 people in our home??? you get the idea. I went on for about 10 mins, until my dad called me. I think he knew I had to get it off my chest. She was again in tears and apologising for everything. I got myself composed told her I had to go. My dad went up to her hugged her and said something and came back to the car.

I rang her sister and told her what happened and she should call her. Spent the rest of the day with the kids and my dad. He just asked if I was ok, I said no but I would be. I didn't ask what he had said to her, I didn't really care. He loved her like a daughter and she will always be his grandkids mother so he will always be talking to her. I'm ok with that. He knows I had to do what I did and agrees what she did was the worst kind of wrong, but still cares for her.

I did end up texting apologising for the way I let loose with my outburst but that it needed to be said. She just said she understood and it was ok.

So that's where I am for now.
3 years and counting....................
 

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I have never and will never see the need to apologize for letting someone know exactly how much they f’ed up.

Your “letting loose” should have happened a long time ago. Don’t feel bad about it, like you said it needed to be said.

Great job not letting the kids hear it.
 
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