Talk About Marriage banner

61 - 80 of 134 Posts

Registered
Joined
3,921 Posts
From what you have said your wife and OW have been a team since college and have had only a few breaks since.
Take care of yourself then the kids. Some will be up in arms over that telling you the kids come first. But it is like they say on a plane that depressurizes, put on your mask first, then assist the kids. You are no help to your kids if you do not take care of yourself.

Notice I did not include your wife. She is taking care of herself.............allow her continue.
 

Registered
Joined
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #62 ·
Hi all,
Had the kids to myself this weekend so I made the most of it.
A lot of questions to answer,hope I get them all.

Ragnar you got it in 1 馃憦 . I was installing a new system and decided to add a few for extra protection.WW knew about the upgrades but I may have put them in earlier than expected so my bad I guess 馃槒馃槒

MattMatt
We are allowed to have cameras inside and outside our home. EU data protection only cones into effect if a camera is covering a public area ie footpath at front of the home. They do not so I'm ok.
Divorce laws here are in a word $***!! We need to be living apart for 2 of the last 3 years and no chance of R at all. We can be legally separated after 1 year apart. So that will be the 1st thing I can hope for if it comes to that. No matter what, the courts here will be biased towards WW with issues such as kids. Not even sure I would get 50/50 even if she agreed to it. So until our lockdown eases we are stuck in the same house. It's going to be a long summer!!!
As far as what I want. I am still unsure. The thought of not having my kids in my life 100% kills me but separation is what I am leaning towards.
I have asked for a timeline. I told her if she leaves anything out that's it.and also there will be a poly once the lockdown is over.

WW does seem remorseful and is doing and saying right things. NC with both APs . They do work in the hospital but in different departments. She said she will put in for a transfer but again with lockdown it won't happen for a while. She could quit. We have enough savings but I don't want to waste that unless there is a possibility of R so we are stuck at the moment.
She told me this started in June.OW started there about 2 years prior so who knows. Not sure about OM. I only got suspicious because was cancelling plans more often. I honestly thought it was alcohol or drug related, and was seriously worried for her, and hoping to catch her taking them. not this.

So yeah, kind of stuck in limbo until lockdown eases here, so I'm just concentrating on myself and the kids.
 

Registered
Joined
918 Posts
Has she apologized for hurting you or explained why she wants to remain married (other than being in love)?
Be sure her timeline includes what she was thinking during sex and afterwards upon seeing you.
What is she doing to rebuild your trust and help you help from her betrayal?

I suggest you protect yourself in case you decide to divorce. Consider filing for an 'official' separation in order to start the clock towards divorce - but also to immediately prevent her new bills from being assigned to you.

Consider separating bank accounts.
 

Registered
Joined
195 Posts
As per Kamstel says^^
Regarding to your WW sexuality preferences, were you aware of them?
Take one day at a time, look after yourself and the children. Exercise if possible, drink water, no drugs and limit booze. Children pick up on everything so please be mindful of what is said near them. Can you get some IC for you. WW also needs IC this is prior to MC. If possible get a IC and MC that are specialist in infidelity. Every spare moment be there for the children. Hard 180 on WW. She will try to rug sweep this, possible offer you some action. That is a bargaining tool that she may employ to get you on side. That is a moral question that you may have to face. It isn鈥檛 worth the rug sweeping.

WW will turn this around on you, or your family and their actions. Take none of that. She knew, planned, changes schedules, lied to every one. It isn鈥檛 a mistake. Conscious decisions, led to her actions.
If the three ways have been going on for six to eight months then the emotional side has been going on for just as long. Hence over 12 months now! Yes WW did hook up with the OW at uni but the other partner, different completel.
Would she be content if the shoe was on the other foot, and you were stepping out of the marriage with multiple partners? I am sure she wouldn鈥檛 say 鈥渋t was just sex so it鈥檚 ok this time?鈥 I think not.
One day at a time
Buffer
 

Registered
Joined
10,838 Posts
If I was with a man who had sex with another man I would end the marriage. If he then bought a third partner into the mix, I would be even more sure to end it. If they had repeatedly had sex in my own house over nearly a year,and even in my own bed, he would be out of the door immediately.
She isn't sorry, she isn't repentant, if you hadn't found out she would still be doing it. She is sorry she got caught, period.
How could you possibly ever trust her again???????
 

Registered
Joined
23 Posts
Just a note from my own experience (Other Man in my house). The first few days for me were very tough. I immediately thought the right thing to do was to try to save my marriage. As the weeks passed, I began to realize the disrespect, and was able to see that I didn't deserve it in any way. A month after the event, I clearly called it quits. Since then, I haven't had a second thought about it. Crappy situation. How could I ever trust her again? I refuse to live that way. Please be careful not to be the good guy who does everything to save the marriage while destroying your own self-respect.
 

Registered
Joined
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #70 ·
Hi All,
Apologies for not replying in a while. I was not in a good place to be honest. My whole life just shattered into a million pieces and fell down a very dark hole. I have been on a lot just reading other peoples stories trying to figure out a lot that was going through my mind.
A lot has happened the last few months so I will try to keep it simple instead of a novel!!!!

1st , I am getting a divorce. There is a lot more to it here. Need to be separated 2 out of 3 years so its going to be a long wait but legal separation will be just as good. Everything will be split and 50/50 with the kids. I have also had a lot of IC, I needed it. I was drinking way too much,eating little and sleeping less. I have pulled myself together to a certain extent but I am definitely in a better place.
I will just do short paragraphs from here.....

I did a paternity test even though I was 100 sure the kids were mine. I just wanted her to hurt and see what she had done. ( test confirmed they are mine)

She begged and pleaded to save the marriage, I told her there was no marriage to save, She made sure of that. Offered me a free pass, even a threesome with another friend of hers who she knew liked me. ( I then asked who the other person would be, after looking at me confused for a few seconds I said well if you get 2 other people its only fair I do too, Hell I'll even make a tape for you to watch!!) she walked away in tears. I didn't take the offer anyway. I am not her!!!

She went no contact with both APs. Again didn't really care at that point. Kept texting me where she was at lunch or out shopping etc, Told her to stop, she could be anywhere and text me that. Just like she did so many times before.

I got a new job on the west coast which suited me fine. I will stay with my Dad, It is a big house and he is not getting any younger so it eases my mind on him too. Would end up only having the kids on weekends but I would have them for holidays and such. It helped me to get away from her. Missed my kids badly but spoke with them every day.

I told her she could stay in the house. we would work something out. I didn't want to turn the kids lives upside down. This was all part of the legal separation. pensions and savings would also be separate. She still wanted to try but was willing to give me an easy separation.

End of June she wants to meet and talk, At this point we only discuss kids or legal stuff.
Anyway. She had quit her job. wanted to sell the house and move over close to me. I told her again we were not getting back together. I needed to divorce. Our marriage was a sham because of her and her actions. I was still having nightmares of the video. She just wanted to get away from her job and the city. Her moving would give me more time with the kids too.
She knew I was not stopping the separation/Divorce but said she would wait forever to prove to me she can be trusted again. So I agreed to sell the house and she moved 40 mins away renting a house and has a job lined up. House is on the market. we should sell fast enough and prices here are a lot cheaper too.

Kids love it here. love their Grandad and he loves having them here too. I swear he looks younger already!!

I think that is it. I know I left a lot out and it might be a little jumbled but between work and having the kids at weekends and certain weekdays which I love, I am constantly busy. Myself and WW are cordial and will chat when we see each other. I know she still wants to get back together, and who knows what will happen down the road. I cant lie, She is still beautiful and I do see the person I fell in love with at times but for now Its a 3/ 4 year wait for freedom and that I know, will definitely happen.

Broken.
 

Premium Member
Joined
8,950 Posts
The common thinking is that cheaters are looking for a way out of their marriage. Some are but most aren鈥檛. They鈥檙e just bored and looking for some excitement. Unfortunately, you have a long time to go until you鈥檙e legally free of her and she will probably use that time to try to convince you that she鈥檚 worth reconciling with. Be prepared. I hope all goes well for you.
 

Registered
Joined
5,453 Posts
I read your story and just feel terrible for you, but wanted to say I admire how you handled things and hope you realize what a strong person you are. I also wanted to say that it鈥檚 quite clear you aren鈥檛 broken. Your heart is, but not you. A broken person would allow themselves to be used, walked on, and beg and plead for their cheating, lying wife to come back. You haven鈥檛 done that. I don鈥檛 think your wife is worth reconciling with, but your strength in handling this most hurtful of events has already given you the possibility of reconciliation should you want it.
The movies will stop playing in your mind if you move on and love another woman. Likely never will if you stay with this one. Good luck.
I hope you find happiness again.
 

Registered
Joined
12,563 Posts
Hi All,
Apologies for not replying in a while. I was not in a good place to be honest. My whole life just shattered into a million pieces and fell down a very dark hole. I have been on a lot just reading other peoples stories trying to figure out a lot that was going through my mind.
A lot has happened the last few months so I will try to keep it simple instead of a novel!!!!

1st , I am getting a divorce. There is a lot more to it here. Need to be separated 2 out of 3 years so its going to be a long wait but legal separation will be just as good. Everything will be split and 50/50 with the kids. I have also had a lot of IC, I needed it. I was drinking way too much,eating little and sleeping less. I have pulled myself together to a certain extent but I am definitely in a better place.
I will just do short paragraphs from here.....

I did a paternity test even though I was 100 sure the kids were mine. I just wanted her to hurt and see what she had done. ( test confirmed they are mine)

She begged and pleaded to save the marriage, I told her there was no marriage to save, She made sure of that. Offered me a free pass, even a threesome with another friend of hers who she knew liked me. ( I then asked who the other person would be, after looking at me confused for a few seconds I said well if you get 2 other people its only fair I do too, Hell I'll even make a tape for you to watch!!) she walked away in tears. I didn't take the offer anyway. I am not her!!!

She went no contact with both APs. Again didn't really care at that point. Kept texting me where she was at lunch or out shopping etc, Told her to stop, she could be anywhere and text me that. Just like she did so many times before.

I got a new job on the west coast which suited me fine. I will stay with my Dad, It is a big house and he is not getting any younger so it eases my mind on him too. Would end up only having the kids on weekends but I would have them for holidays and such. It helped me to get away from her. Missed my kids badly but spoke with them every day.

I told her she could stay in the house. we would work something out. I didn't want to turn the kids lives upside down. This was all part of the legal separation. pensions and savings would also be separate. She still wanted to try but was willing to give me an easy separation.

End of June she wants to meet and talk, At this point we only discuss kids or legal stuff.
Anyway. She had quit her job. wanted to sell the house and move over close to me. I told her again we were not getting back together. I needed to divorce. Our marriage was a sham because of her and her actions. I was still having nightmares of the video. She just wanted to get away from her job and the city. Her moving would give me more time with the kids too.
She knew I was not stopping the separation/Divorce but said she would wait forever to prove to me she can be trusted again. So I agreed to sell the house and she moved 40 mins away renting a house and has a job lined up. House is on the market. we should sell fast enough and prices here are a lot cheaper too.

Kids love it here. love their Grandad and he loves having them here too. I swear he looks younger already!!

I think that is it. I know I left a lot out and it might be a little jumbled but between work and having the kids at weekends and certain weekdays which I love, I am constantly busy. Myself and WW are cordial and will chat when we see each other. I know she still wants to get back together, and who knows what will happen down the road. I cant lie, She is still beautiful and I do see the person I fell in love with at times but for now Its a 3/ 4 year wait for freedom and that I know, will definitely happen.

Broken.
Well this is a much better update. Good job so far my friend.

But remember you see the person you loved but that person would never do what she ended up doing to you. The person you loved never existed. I mean think about it what type of person would she have to be to do that to you. One more time, you love her, but she doesn't love you, she doesn't have it in her to.

You have to understand her nature. She is probably pining away after the people at work, and some other new guy you don't even know about when you are not around. This is what these duplicitous people do, they jump from one to the other. They think what you don't know won't hurt you. The problem is always their nature. It's in their nature.

Go out and date, it's a big bright would out there, with lots of women who have self respect and honer enough not to have threesomes in their house where their husband and children live. They are beautiful too.

I mean seriously dude what's it gonna take, her trying to kill you for you to get it, that would be the only thing that's worse? All because she is pretty. How many men get abused because the chick was pretty. Probably why you didn't see her for who she was in the first place.

Are you really going to be the guy who stayed with his wife who had at least one threesome in his house, that you know of? Are you going to be that guy? I mean really go take some dog crap and put it in your bed and sleep next to it in your life every day and you will still have a better life then living with that person.

Jessh.
 

Registered
Joined
1,570 Posts
Does she understant you have her 3some in your bed on video? When she says anything about a reconcile i would show her the video and then ask her to tell you how you are supposed to unsee that. I would have sent her a copy and said here is a fond memory for your video scrapbook.
 

Registered
Joined
2 Posts
Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
Not sure where to start but here goes.

Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
Had been suspicious of my wife鈥檚 behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I鈥檓 destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn鈥檛 want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.

I鈥檓 numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife鈥檚 betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can鈥檛 sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!

We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
Part of me still wants reconciliation but it鈥檚 a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.

I know I still love my wife but don鈥檛 know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it鈥檚 horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn鈥檛 know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don鈥檛 want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don鈥檛 know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
There is so much more to say but I don鈥檛 know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen

I am utterly lost鈥 鈽
I鈥檓 so sorry to hear, you hold in there it will only get better. I find myself in the same position, with all of the evidence, the hurt, pain and tears it causes - cant put words to it. I am 5days into this ordeal, my heart is actually hurting it鈥檚 so bad. Only slept 3/72 hrs - can鈥檛 close my eyes with pouring out in tears. The wife try鈥檚 to comfort me but I feel she is dirty so won鈥檛 let her touch me. Eventually she gets tired and falls asleep whilst I live the nightmare. She has guilt but my heart tells me it鈥檚 because she got caught. I repeatedly questioned her and found contradictions and lies in her story. Eventually with the tactical and interview like talks over 4 days it came clear this was a 10month affair with her work colleague. Even got to the point where she had to admit she would have continued if I hadn鈥檛 had found the evidence. I asked myself how and if I could ever forgive her. I have been faithful for 18 years. We don鈥檛 have dependents but was destined to have a family - we met when we were really young. You love your wife and I still do too. We are both crushed, sounds like she is your universe too. Emotions will be on overdrive but acceptance is going to be so important so you can control this. I know its not easy but understanding why she done this to you is important too. What has happened to us is heartbreaking but you have to be strong. How do you feel, think 10years down the line. Can you forgive her over time? What impact does this have on your family? Finance? Your love and care for her?
There will be many things we will both need to consider but accepting what has happened must come first. This may take a few months or longer but only then will you know if and how you can forgive her.
 

Registered
Joined
211 Posts
I know this sounds odd, but congrats!

You decided what was acceptable and what you would never accept!

You stuck with your morals!!

You have jettisoned a poison from your life. You refused to eat that sh it sandwich that she prepared for you.

And even though the kids may hurt in the short term, in the long term they will see you as a strong moral person. And they will hopefully remember how you stood strong in face of the hurricane and came through it well.

tomorrow is the second anniversary of my divorce. The ex begged for a second chance ever since I had her served (she didn鈥檛 suspect I knew). She begs more so whenever I鈥檓 not dating anyone. But what she doesn鈥檛 understand Is that what she did is simply a dealbreaker for me. She showed that she neither loved nor respected me. How could she and still give herself to another man??? And I certainly would never trust her again unless I have a heart monitor and gps strapped on to her at all times! It certainly isnt the type of relationship/marriage I鈥檓 interested in!!!

so, congratulations in starting your new life. It seems as if things are going the right way for you!
Good luck, and stay strong!!!!
 

Banned
Joined
19,559 Posts
Has she undergone any therapy or counseling to understand why she chose to blow up your marriage? Did you know she had bisexual tendencies when you married her all those years ago or did you not find out until you saw the video?
 

Registered
Joined
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #80 ·
Hi All,

Separation is going as well. We should be legally separated before Christmas. We have been put into another full-scale lockdown due to Covid until early December so this has slowed things down, but everything has been agreed and house sold. All assets split also so basically just need to get papers signed and made official. Once that is done, I just have another 3 years to go before divorce!!!
Not so soon to be ex-wife (NSSTBX) was still trying to talk about getting back together, I shut her down every time. I have told her she needs to stop for the sake of the kids and being good co parents and if she kept pushing, I would go NC except for issues regards our kids. She has stopped but I will not hold my breath just yet. (although something has come up, see further below)
She has been going to IC since dday and has asked me to join her in one of her sessions as the therapist would like to meet me. I have declined so far as I do not see what good will come of it.

Kids are doing great and have settled in quite quickly to their new homes/routines/school. Have new friends too which I am really happy about. We have agreed on 50/50 custody with 1st choice for taking kids if the other parent needs to be away for work etc. She has been asking about Christmas arrangements, I was offering some options, but she wants to this Christmas together as a family, I am hesitant to say the least. I have told her I am a little uncomfortable with this and do not want the kids (and her) getting the wrong idea. She said she understood but asked me to think about it. On 1 hand I don鈥檛 want to, we are not a family anymore she saw to that. On the other hand, these are my children and the thoughts of our 1st Christmas not together is really killing me, so I am unsure what to do. If I do agree I would make sure we are not alone, My Dad will most definitely be there and I may get her sisters family up. (Her sister has been been very vocal about siding with me on this but they are sisters and are still very close) and our kids love each other so that is a possibility.
To be honest I will have my NSSTBX in my life forever with our kids, but I want to make the next 3 years as easy on me as possible. So far she has agreed to everything in regards to the separation and except for the 鈥淚 want us to stay together鈥 and 鈥淚 will always love you鈥 remarks which bother and like I said shut down just as fast. We have been friendly towards each other. 3 years is a long time and I guess I am just waiting for the day she turns nasty, but again I have seen no hints of this.

Bandit 45
Early in our relationship, with a few drinks on us the topic of past relationships came up. I had been with a few women, nothing too crazy. She had a few relationships also but admitted to having threesomes in college a few times. I asked then was she bisexual, she said no, just enjoyed the sex and it was fun etc.. She asked would I ever be interested. I was honest and said I was a red blooded male of course the idea of being with 2 women was a huge turn on, but also said I could not do a threesome with her and another man (hypocritical I know) and I would never expect or ask for one with another woman. She said she felt the same, The idea of me with another woman made her jealous. So that was that. Never came up again and didn鈥檛 give it much thought.
After DDay I brought up this conversation up, and in-between bursts of anger and crying asked had she been with her female AP while in college, she admitted to this and said the threesomes were with her too. I said too!!!???? So you were just with her alone too? She knew she slipped up and admitted to sleeping with he AP in college on and off for a few years, usually when intoxicated, but still would not say she was bisexual when I confronted her on it, however after a few IC sessions she has agreed with the therapist and told me she may have some bisexual tendencies, but would never want a relationship with a woman!! No idea what that means to be honest. Happy to be married to me and cheat on me with a woman?? Never mind the male AP!!! Maybe that鈥檚 why she wants me to go to see her therapist, to get this out there?

That鈥檚 it for now, I think. Still on the very long road to divorce. A long way to go. I know I don鈥檛 post much, But I do appreciate all of your feedback and have read everything.
I will keep you updated as soon as anything important comes up and will try to answer any questions.

Not so Broken 馃槉
 
61 - 80 of 134 Posts
Top