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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
Not sure where to start but here goes.

Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.

I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!

We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.

I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen

I am utterly lost… ☹
 

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Has she been outed to her and your family or or you going down the road of hiding everything?
 

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I'm really sorry.

You need to move her to the spare bedroom. You need to reclaim the master bedroom. She needs to be inconvenienced, not you.

You have to try your hardest to eat and stay hydrated. You've got to be able to take care of the kids.
 

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Have you gotten counseling for yourself? If not, even if it has to be done via Zoom or whatever, please do it ASAP. Start exercising regularly if you aren't already. Sow into your kids and yourself- take care of what's important.

As far as R goes and whether or not you are a fool for even thinking about- that's hard for any of us to say based on the small snapshot of what we know.

Some questions I would need firm answers to, immediately:

Do you know if she was having an affair with the OM first, and then they brought the OW in?

Are there emotional ties at all to either AP?

Long term texting and communication?

Or was this some quick fling that they concocted over some after work cocktails and decided to go though with it?

How long was this going on?

Thinking about the above... for me, and I did choose to R after my W's EA, none of this would matter in the end. She brought two people into YOUR HOME. This was calculated and planned.

I don't know what your relationship was like before all of this, but it would've had to be 'otherworldly' for me to even consider R. There are some lines, for me, that simply cannot be crossed. Bringing someone- let alone TWO PEOPLE- into my house would be an immediate death nail.

Find a counselor. Find an attorney. They will both help you wade through this.
 

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BH2020, I'm sorry you're in this mess.

The woman you love is not who she is. Believe her actions. She is capable of having a 3-some with work colleagues in your home. Cheating on you in your own home is a pretty high level of disrespect.

There are some common truths which are almost always correct. There is probably a lot more than what you know. She will lie, deflect, minimize, and trickle truth. Cheaters usually won't admit to anything which they don't think you already have proof of. Cheaters are usually sorry they got caught and sorry for the bad consequences, but aren't sorry for what they did - they feel their cheating was justified.

You are in a form of shock. Probably your mind is going down some typical rabbit holes. 1) As a man, you are a fixer. So you seek a way to "fix" this. You cannot fix this. Only she can, which will require a number of things from her. 2) You wonder what you did wrong or in what way you were insufficient. You, like all humans, are an imperfect spouse, but she made the choice to betray you and to have sex with other people (those are separate items). This is on her, not you. 3) You want your wife and marriage back. You can never achieve those. She is not who you thought you married. With successful R, if that is possible, you will have a new marriage with a different person than you thought she was.

Your moves now need to be firm and decisive. You will get a lot of good advice on this forum. I would do a few things if you want to try R. First, require she break off all contact with those people. Now is not a good time to look for another job, but she needs to make a strong effort to work somewhere else. She needs to show true remorse. Search this forum and the internet. True remorse means she is deeply sorry for hurting you. This is a rarity amongst cheaters. You need her to give you a full accounting of her cheating. A written timeline, all names and dates, and a description of what happened (to the level of detail you need). She gives you full immediate access to all of her electronics and accounts.

I personally like the tactic of filing for divorce or at least legal separation. This communicates to her your seriousness about what happened, and that she has to earn her way back into the marriage. Too many of us take the reverse approach of trying to love them back. Or, we are too Nice about it. We want our old life back, so we don't want to be too hard on them. Like trying to coax the family dog back into the yard with a treat, because if we yell at the dog it won't come to us. In this case being Nice is the wrong approach. She needs to think you are already gone, and that she has to coax you back to her.
 

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R or D is not a one-time irrevocable decision. R does not happen instantly when you decide to do it. R is a long process, probably taking a couple of years or more. At any point during that process you can decide you want to go to D instead.
 

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You are going through all the normal feelings... You need to listen to all the advice that you got even in the first 3 posts.

Understand some things.

1) You do not have to decide anything right now. You are in shock.
2) Already said, but she needs to leave the master BR not you, maybe the house if possible.
3) As of right now you don't know all of what HAS gone on in the past.
4) What other affairs has she had?
5) How long has this been going on?
6) Stuff you have not even thought of yet....

Take a deep breath, and try and relax and get your head straight.

There is way more to know, and you need to figure all of that out, and then decide what to do.

Understand one thing, cheater lie, they lie a lot. So right now you really cannot believe anything, and i mean anything she says...

So for now, just move her out of the Master BR, and stop talking to her anymore than you have to...
 

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R or D is not a one-time irrevocable decision. R does not happen instantly when you decide to do it. R is a long process, probably taking a couple of years or more. At any point during that process you can decide you want to go to D instead.
I was going to say something similar.

OP- R takes time, and you should not feel any pressure whatsoever to put a timetable on whether you decide to R or not. It is a long process- most counselors will tell you 2-3 years...and it is not for the faint of heart.

Either way, you need the full truth from your WW as to how this whole thing came about. Whatever you do, do NOT go into R without having a confident mindset regarding your full understanding of what transpired.

As others will tell you, and it made ALL the difference in the world in my case- you need to know exactly what you are forgiving if you decide to go down that road.
 

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So sorry you are here! But if you have been lurking you know that its a great asset to have when fighting this fight. First, it will get better. Not anytime soon much, but it will get better. Lots of good people will be offering help, listen, analyze and most important, act! As for R...hmmmmm.
 

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The op is in Ireland, if it’s the Republic then the divorce laws are a lot different than most other places.
Divorce can only happen if the couple have lived separate and apart for four of the last five years. In certain circumstances they can be living in the same house but the marriage has to have been over for four years.
 

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You have been given a lot of good advice here.
Your primary focus needs to be on getting out of infidelity.
The strongest statement to your WW that that will happen is for you to file for divorce.
You can decide whether to R or D later.
If she wants to stay together, the onus is all on her to restore trust and repair the damage.
For that to happen, you have to break her down to base level and get her out of what is referred to as "The fog."
I won't repeat the "Best Practices" to follow. They are all over this site.
Focus on doing what is best for you and your kids. Be Father of the Year.
Study up and implement the 180. That's what the wife gets.
Take some time, get sorted and do what is best for you. You have subliminally stated what that is.
 

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Listen man, this sucks. I'm so sorry you've been betrayed in this way.

What I'm about to say, I say not to hurt you further, but to give you the information you'll need to decide if you want to reconcile.

You don't just jump into a 3-way when cheating. I mean, it's possible, but it's far more probable that she's been living a 'lifestyle' for some time now behind your back. Meaning, sex with a number of other people that escalates in riskiness/kinkiness as it goes. You don't really go from monogamous to cheating in a 3-way for the first time.

These things typically happen along a continuum, where there is continual escalation until something stops you. What stopped her was getting caught.

I highly suspect this is far from her first fling, and would have been far from her last if you hadn't caught her. And what that means is if you do reconcile, you'll have to reconcile knowing there's been a long lineup of guest stars in your bed, and you'll have to continually police her to make sure that doesn't happen again.

It's not really a great life to have when you have to continually police your spouse, and it's impossible to do it perfectly. And she'll likely end up resenting it, and rebelling against it anyway.

Just food for thought.

Some actions to take right away no matter what:
  1. you both get STD tested
  2. call a lawyer and get some advice
  3. back up that video somewhere she can't get at it
  4. scan in/remove important documents you might need in a divorce
 

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What type of work does she do? What type of work do you do?

Where were the kids when this happened?

As others have said a threesome in your house is a special kind of evil and disrespect.
 

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Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
The woman had herself a threesome in YOUR house. Not only was she cheating on you with her new 'boyfriend' at work, she had to go one step further and have herself a threesome (probably to please her boyfriend).

These three pigs couldn't all pay 1/3 for a damned hotel room - they had to add insult to injury and fly their freak flag in your HOUSE?????

What could this woman possibly do to disrespect you MORE than that????

There isn't one thing she could possibly do because she's already SHOWN you how low she's willing to sink. She's already SHOWN you exactly how much she does NOT respect you at all. Not at all.

If I were you, her ass would be kicked out the front door so fast I'd have to FedEx her worthless shadow to her the next day.

You'd be disrespecting yourself to the CORE by supposedly "reconciling" with her. I say supposedly because it would be a joke to even consider staying with someone this low. The woman is a soul-sucking she-devil.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Hi all and thank you for all your responses. I will try to answer all questions.

Both immediate families have been told plus some close friends. I rang her sister to let her know and to come pick up WW on dday. She was shocked and is very supportive of me as are her parents. But with my work schedule and the covid crisis she had to come back to our home.

The kids were with me at my Dads about 2 hours drive away. She was supposed to come but cancelled again.(1of the reasons I became suspicious was constantly cancelling outings and changing her shifts)

She and OW are old friends from collage and now work as Maternity nurses OM works there in pediactrics. Apparently WW and OW did this a lot in collage so I believe there to be some sort of emotional connection there. Not sure about OM. This was going on since June 19 until dday. I am an maintenance engineer and work overnights when required. Depending on her schedule our kids would stay with her sister so these would be perfect times to do what she did. Then again she was almost always late home so it was nothing new to me when she was late I never gave it a 2nd thought I trusted her 100% She is in the process of doing up a timeline but right now I don't really care. She did what she did.Once or 100 times doesn't matter to me. The fact she did it does.

Deed was caught in the master bedroom so there is absolutely no chance of me going back there in the foreseeable future. I have gotten An STD check and it came back all clear and even though I'm 100% sure the kids are mine I demanded a paternity test. More to cause her pain than anything else but haven't gotten to it yet.

I am from the Republic so yes divorce and separation are not easily done. Right now I am trying to keep my distance from her when possible. Most of our time together is spent with our kids. After that retreat to my room or get out of the house and walk for a few hours since everywhere is closed.

We have both started IC separately. I have told her I will not do MC unless R is on the table.
 

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@She'sStillGotIt

I keep going back to the main focus of your post and alluded to it in my first response. Bringing someone into MY HOME, would be a death nail, but bringing two freaking people in?!?

This was planned, desired, calculated, and enjoyed. In the OP's home. Where his kids live and sleep. The ultimate disrespect.

Yikes. What a horror story.

@Brokenheart 2020 After reading your last post and seeing the history there, I can't fathom R in this case. Hang in there- take care of yourself above all else.
 

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BrokenHearted,

Sorry you have to deal with this, but I'm also glad you got hard proof which many people never get, and they live their lives in a kind of limbo submerged in their spouses lies.

My take on this is that since the OW and your WW did this before she met you this is basically a very long term affair, and while your marriage produced children you were never your WWs true love. You were a father, protector, provider and many other things but OW had the prior claim on your WW heart. This is also true of myself.

What to do...
Massively expose OM and OW do it all at once and without warnings or threats especially do not let your WW know. Tell OM and OW to quit their jobs or else you'll go Rambo on them and theirs. I hope your in the IRA.
 

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You might want to move back into the family home with the kids. I'm not sure of the laws there, but she might get the home, and custody along with it (because the courts might want the kids to stay in their home) if you're not careful.
Get a lawyer for sure.

Sounds like you're on the right track for sure.

If it were me, I would hold back on going public too much with what she did (beyond close friends and family you need for support) - holding this over her might ensure she doesn't fight a fair separation/divorce agreement.
 

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I couldn’t reconcile under those circumstances but some people do. If you decide to, you will never again trust her 100% — or at least you shouldn’t. The easiest part of R is the decision to try it. The rest is very hard work. And even when you work at it for years, some marriages just can’t be repaired.

I’m assuming if you have sex with her, that resets the separation clock in your country so don’t do that unless you’re sure you’re staying. There are plenty of women who use sex as a means of manipulation. Be careful.
 
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