Thanks for all the comments.

I'm still hoping, praying, and pleading with my wife for to try to make our marriage work. I don't feel like I am making any progress, but I can't help myself from pleading with her to try and make our marriage work.

The more I talk to her I am more convinced that her reasoning for the divorce is almost entirely based on how I have mistreated and ignored her during our relationship. Her affair seems like a symptom of our broken marriage. The years of mental abuse, lack of effort on my part, and not spending quality time with her seem to have all accumulated into her decision to want a divorce. Before I started grad school on the weekends, she reminded me yesterday that she told me that "Don't you think we should work on our marriage first, before you go back to school?" She feels like I have had plenty of chances to show her our relationship was a priority to me, and I have failed for years. Now she doesn't feel like it is fair that she has waited 9 years for me to try and work on our marriage and now I expect her to try now after so many years of her trying.

This impending divorce has really made me think long and hard about changes that I need to make in life. My priorities have been wrong for way too long. My career and pursuit of more money was completely out of control. I know that I need to fix my work/life balance and make my family a bigger priority in my life.

Just to clarify a few things, my reason for not watching the kids every weekend is more about getting myself into a somewhat happy place in life. I need to rebuild my life and learn how to live as a single father. I am an emotional trainwreck right now. I don't feel like I can become a good father until I am comfortable with who I am as a person and actually begin to like myself. The more I interact with my sons, the more I realize that I am really not the good father that I want to be and probably never have been. I need to learn how to interact with my sons better, get to know them better, and how to get them to obey me without getting frustrated.

I am planning on attending individual counseling and joining some divorce support groups. I'm trying to find a group that is based on the "Rebuilding: When You Relationship Ends" book by Dr. Bruce Fisher. I'm started reading the "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" book last night. The book indicates that it will probably take about 1 year to fully rebuild my life after this traumatic divorce.

My life is in shambles right now. I feel completely hopeless, I have no sense of direction in life, alone, worthless, and miserable.

 

I do not buy the "working on myself first being single before I can be a dad". I do not see a choice.

Maybe that is why your we is so pissed at you.

Stand up. Be a man. Take care of your kids. Get your $hit together.

Your ww was wrong to have an affair. She no longer wants to be with you. Are you going to wait until your kids replace you too?

Get your priorities straight, cleanup your act quickly and make your life great.

Maybe your ww will come back maybe she will not.was

Just work on you and be a great dad.
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I've been trying to keep out of this thread given the fact I was bashed last time for saying stuff that has essentially become all true.

Devastated, you won't get your wife back any time soon, as I told you before, this marriage is over. The only way you can get her back is future reconciliation after you work on the things I told you about. When your spouse resents you from years of emotional abuse it's next to impossible to make them fall back in love with you. She will always be in your life given your children and you will have ample opportunities to prove that you've changed down the road. Right now you have to accept that it's over, no amount of pleading is going to change her mind and as a matter of fact your pleading is complete turn off for her.

Work on yourself and get back to the person she fell in love with and kill the person she grew to resent.

 

Complexity, I appreciate your comments and feedback. Please keep them coming.

 

I talked to my wife on Friday (two days ago). I aplogized for the hurtful things that I have said and done to her. I told her that I am letting her go like she wants. I said there are a lot of changes that I am going to make in my life and I plan to fight to get her back at some point in the future. I feel like she thinks that she can do whatever she wants and that I will always be her back up plan, which is not something that I am okay with.

Her behavior has been almost revolting the last few days. She has went out drinking Friday and Saturday nights and hasn't come home until about 9 or 10 am. Our sons were not feeling well yesterday, but she still went out drinking to see a new other man. She lied to my face and told me that she is going to a girl friend's house to drink. I am guessing that she has been staying the night at the guy's house who she had the affair with (because they were "friends first" before the affair), but she could have just as easily stayed the night at the new other man's house.

She told me that she is too nice and can't tell just guys "no" when they ask her out, even though she just wants to be friends. (I don't believe her for the record.) It's almost like she is addicted to getting attention and compliments from men, which seems needy and insecure. I'm not sure if I contributed to this because I focused so much on her appearance during our relationship.

She has made it a point to "accidentally" show me that she has been wearing her wedding rings when she leaves and gets home. It's almost like she is trying to play mind games with me or she thinks that I am completely stupid and actually believe that she is wearing her wedding rings after she gets in her car. It's not like I don't know that she hasn't been coming home at nights. She has also been hugging me before she leaves to go out for the evening. I am guessing that she is doing this because she feels bad or is trying to pull something over on me.

I have completely backed away from her since I told her that I was letting her go. I am not initiating any conversations with her about anything. Yesterday, I went to tell her that I was leaving to go meet with a "Stephen minister" through church. She was in the shower, so I turned my ahead away from the door and told her that I was leaving. She commented that it was funny that I was looking away from her while I was talking to her.

I am so sick of her constant lies. I am very slowly starting to feel like I deserve to be with someone better than her and how she is treating me. I am starting to look forward to her moving out and not having to see her so often. I am scared but looking forward to rebuilding my life after the divorce.

I appreciate everyone's feedback and input. Should I move this thread to a different section of this forum? Thanks everyone.

 

I talked to my wife on Friday (two days ago). I aplogized for the hurtful things that I have said and done to her. I told her that I am letting her go like she wants. I said there are a lot of changes that I am going to make in my life and I plan to fight to get her back at some point in the future. I feel like she thinks that she can do whatever she wants and that I will always be her back up plan, which is not something that I am okay with.

Maybe it's because you just contradicted yourself.

You're saying you're letting her go and you're going to make changes in your life (good). Then you say you're going to fight to get her back (bad).

Then you complain about her thinking you'll always be her back up.

Well if someone told me, "I'm going to come back and fight for you later", then I'd assume they were going to be a back up too. I'd assume I could go screw up royally and then when I was done they'd be there for me.

You're wife needs to know that what she's doing is ENDING her relationship. She currently has no consequences. In fact, in her mind she's still married. You haven't made it explicitly clear that you're not together. She's still living with you, you're still wearing your wedding rings, she's still giving you "hugs" and telling you she loves you. Have you even given her any papers yet?

Why would you want to fight for someone that is screwing other dudes and lying to you? Why would you not want to move on from that and never look back? Why would you say something so pitiful and pathetic?

 

Keep your chin up Devistated. Your wife and mine are cut from the same cloth. I know what you are going through. Your wife is showing you her true colors. It's sad to see someone you love give themselves away so cheaply.

Be patient, ignore her and move forward. Good luck!

 

No stay here. She is still catting around. And you're not divorced. Have you cut of her money? Separated finances? Exposed to everyone?

 

You sure don't act mean. As a matter of fact, you look like the kind of guy women walk all over. Can't believe your letting her rub it in your face. She will be bringing them home to meet you next when they come to pick her up. At least she doesn't have to pay a babysitter.

 

Dev2 -

why does she still have a car with gas in it? With car insurance and a credit card?

She's not even coming home from these cheat sessions with these men.

And you're still there, her keys still work, she got's a made bed and pillow, and a place to sleep off her sex session.

oh, and she's getting hugs before she goes out.

I'm not sure how you are even able to touch her.

But common, man up - why would she want to come back to a man who is actually putting up with the behavior she's doing?

 

That has me puzzled too. Why are you still financing this affair? Why are you just being the babysitter while she goes off and bangs other men?

How about instead of hugging her before she goes out to bang other men for the night, you tell her to GTFO and not come home? I don't understand why you're accepting all this disrespect?

 

So, after 24 pages and nearly a month you`re still allowing your wife to eat cake and cuckold you while you support her emotionally and financially.

You need to go back to the first page of this thread and actually listen to the advice you were given.

She has lost all respect for you because you have earned none.

 

You want her out? Pack her bags, boxes and stuff when she's out on her next nights adventure.

Change the locks and have the key to the storage locked taped to the door along with your divorce papers.

 

My divorce attorney said that the divorce papers will be filed this week. My attorney is also going to issue a temporary injunction for her to leave and so I can give her half of the divorce settlement money. So she will be completely cut off financially very soon.

She is planning to start moving out March 1st into her new place. She has talked about not finishing moving out until the middle of March, but I am not going to allow that whether she thinks so or not.

I have not been wearing my wedding ring at all since I confronted her.

What should I say to her if anything today? I feel like I should tell her that she needs to be out of my house completely the weekend after March 1st. I am thinking about telling her that I deserve to be with someone who treats me better than how she has been treating me. I'm just so sick of her lies.

I planning on telling her that she is on a very short leash with regard to custody of our boys. I am going to keep a very close eye on our boys and I'm going to fight her for custody if I don't feel like our sons are a priority over her partying and dating.

I appreciate everyone's advice about what to say to her.

Tacoma - what can I do to start earning back her respect.

 

I'm sorry for everything you are going through.
I'll get bashed but I do see where turnera is coming from. It's sad when parents fight as to who doesn't have to take the boys. Regardless of valid reasons, that is the message that they hear or will realize someday.
I'm married with no where to drop my kids off every second weekend and yet we manage downtime with babysitters and after kids go to bed.
While you have admitted faults - neglect, etc., that is no excuse for the worthless crap your wife has become. There are moral ways for her to deal with that such as divorce.
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Instead of telling her anything - I recommend the opposite. Ignore her completely. no words, acknowledgments, or even help - like opening doors.

Be kind and gentle to your kids, but cold as ice to her.

certainly stop cooking her food, doing her laundry, etc.

As for her respect - sorry, but that is long gone. This woman is openly hugging you and she goes out to fvck other men, then coming back home the next morning like nothing wrong has happened.

The first time you let her stay, was the last time she had any respect for you.

btw - have you exposed her cheating for friends and family?

 

Why would you want her back, fight for her later, ok with being back-up. Man, have some pride!
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You have done everything necessary NOT to earn her respect and now it is too late. You need to detach and become your own man again. You have received enough advice here in order to make those changes. You have access to things like The 180, Just Let Them Go, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Married Man Sex Life, etc but you don't seem to want to embrace them for some reason. The man you are right now makes an excellent cuckold and that is how your wife is treating you. Cut her loose and change yourself.

 

Explain why YOU need to earn HER respect.

 

You have done everything necessary NOT to earn her respect and now it is too late.

Agreed. This guy has come on this board and initiated this thread for advice and help from people who have been through this kind of thing and know what works and what doesn't, and he has chosen to ignore just about all of it.

Talk about passive aggressive! No wonder he drove his wife away.

Hey Dedicated, what was the point of all of this?

 

I don't know why this guy is catching a HEAT round for being passive, He's filed for divorce, kicking her out of the house, not wearing his ring, and cutting her off financially. I'd say he's doing the right thing!

 

Yeah, but only after being sweet and accomodating has gotten him slapped in the face or when he has had no other choice. He does everything in half measures. Being nice and accomodating just doesn't work with a sawed-off b!tch like his.

 

I'm sorry for anyone that I have frustrated. I feel like I have been trying too hard to make her be with me.

I checked her phone today. She did go out drinking and dancing with a new guy. Then she texted the guy she was originally having an affair with saying she was "pretty horny" and wanted to come over to his house. I'm pretty confident that is where she slept last night. She was texting the new guy about how much fun she had...blah blah blah.

Her affair has already been exposed to her family and a lot of people at the gym she works out at and is going to start working at in a few weeks. She has been pissed about this for weeks.

I think I have finally become so pissed off at her that I am ready to do anything. I am starting to hate the **** and ***** that my wife has turned into. I am furious. I think I am finally at the point where I want nothing to do with her.

I told her today that I want this over as quick as possible and I want her out by March 1st.

I'm planning on fighting for custody of my boys. She doesn't know this yet and will be in for a BIG surprise.

I am furious at her and this situation. I feel like I am more than ready to start playing hardball with her now. I have already started reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. I have read the 180, and Just Let Them Go posts also.

 

I feel like I have been trying too hard to make her be with me.

That's what we've been saying.

It's one thing to fight for someone who wants to make it work. It's quite the opposite to fight for someone who wants your wallet while they go bang other dudes.

You SHOULD want nothing to do with her at this point. The talk about how to get her back is pathetic. There's nothing to get back at this point, unless you want to be married to a chick who sleeps around on you.

Also, make sure you keep evidence of the affair. Take pictures of the texts and log her coming home times and what not. Unless your divorce attorney says it doesn't matter....

 

Even if the lawyer tells you keeping a journal of her comings and goings, do it any way.
Right now she thinks you aren't going any were, then there will be a time (most likely when she gets served) were she seems to come out of the fog, and you will need to refrence this journal as a reminder in why you are heading for a divorce.

So please start to track her comings and goings. I would think your lawyer would want this information with rergards to custody and any abadnonment issue the lawyer could use in your favor. Again even if the lawyer doesn't need them, you will need them in the future so you can keep your sanity when she comes crawling back.

 

Your #1 priority is to provide a MORAL place for your kids to live.

 

D2
She is living the single life at your expense. She forgot all this time that she is still married, has a husband and kids too.

She wants to be used and abused. Please respect yourself and your boys now.

Let your wife go. You cannot help her and she obviously does not want your help.

Secure your finances. Move forward with the D and take care of you and your kids.

HM64
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Here is an update of my situation.

I spoke with my attorney and I am going to seek primary custody of my boys. He is filing the divorce paperwork today. I'm optimistic about getting custody of my sons, but fearful of my STBXW's reaction and response. She has already threatened me if "I dare try to take her babies away from her".

My attorney said the best time to pursue custody is right now. If I wait for a year or two it will be much more difficult and her behavior will have to decline significantly. I know that I would regret not seeking custody in a few years if I don't at least try.

She has been discussing how she is going to have a lawyer review the prenup and try to get it voided anyway possible so she can try to get more money out of me.

On Sunday, I told her I was concerned that she was not making the boys her #1 priority by staying out all night on Friday and Saturday night. She was angry at me for criticizing her. Last night, she went to go to the gym at about 6:30 pm. I texted her after I fed, bathed, and got the boys ready for bed without her again. I said she is not making the boys her #1 priority. She was furious at me. I have been documenting all of this so I can use it when I am seeking primary custody.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback and input regarding my situation. Please keep them coming.

This has absolutely been the biggest crisis I have ever had to face in my entire life. It's been difficult for me to stop caring and my feelings for my wife through all of this. This has been a complete surprise that I was in no way prepared to deal with going into confronting my wife.

 

She is cold. I know some of the comments you received stung a little but I hope you now see why so many here advised you to play hardball. When they are in the fog nothing else matter to them. Not you, not her kids, not her dignity, nothing. Stick to your guns and your prenup. You can always be magnanimous down the road if she begins to start treating you and her children with respect and dignity. In the meantime concentrate on healing yourself and your children. Let your lawyer take care of the mess your wife is making. I'm praying for you.

 

Now there you go D2! Good going. Keep up the pressure and don't back off. Get custody of those boys!
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I agree keep up the pressure. Focus on your children. If she will not step up to the plate then you must!
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