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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
married nearly 7 years, separated 1 year, stepdaughter aged 13 and son aged 5 1/2

i screwed up - i slept with someone else - once (i was on holiday).
husband walked out three days later when i admitted it to him
i have suffered from depression and addiction issues for most of my life - but for many parts of the marriage i really was well behaved, strong and the one doing most of what i think was the work for the family and the relationship. he was a heavy drinker, not earning, refusing to get a job under the guise that his attmepts at doing deals was actually a job - i started to work and stopped drinking and was getting stronger.
i relapsed and slept with devious other who was vested in breaking up my marriage - he has been nearly totally successful (as have I for being the idiot for going for it).
husband leaves and tells me to go to rehab for food/alcohol and codependency or he wont come back - i go, that was in august - now feb and he still wont come back.
i cant get past the pain, the utter self hatred and the anger which i find really hard to hold back around him at times.
he is much stronger than me at the moment - mentally and emotionally - i am doing all the hard parenting stuff whcih i did most of before and resented, now i have screwed it so much i fell left totally and lost.
i know i need to move on as my family keep saying - everyone around me say he is a loser - but i know i have wrecked it - but he seems to get confidence from seeing me so far down and he wont initiate divorce. i know he loves me - but he keeps asking 'whats in it for him?'
i do understand where he is coming from, but i kind of think, unless he tries and comes back to his family - how will he ever KNOW whats in it for him.
my ideal would be to start afresh and build up the foundations we failed at building before- but maybe i am fantasist and unrealistic.
i get obsessive about texting him and getting attention or even just communication from him, whatever the guise.
if he doesnt want divorce but doesnt want to come back - should i be the one to get on with it - even though i am the one who least wants it?
and how do i get out of the morbid, self-pitying, isolation and fear and insecurity that is plaguing me night and day?

thanks for you time
 

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You messed up, bad. Regardless of how poorly you may believe your spouse has been in your marriage, you went outside of workable issues and added an affair to the problems you both have to deal with, which is an incredibly harmful thing to do to your relationship. Even if you believe he is a horrible person and you did not trust him, any trust he may have had in you has been absolutely shattered by what he sees as the ultimate betrayal.

Are you in any way shape or form in contact with this other man? Hopefully it is not someone you have to be in contact with (work, etc). You have to break off ALL contact, that means you are honest about it, no emails, no phone calls, NOTHING, if you ever expect to work things out with your husband. Hopefully you don't work with this man, because if you do, it's going to be your marriage or your career, you won't be able to have both if the other man works with you.

I'm not trying to ignore all the bad points you made about your husband, but an affair is something you have to fix first before you can ever look to getting into counseling to fix anything else. The fact that he's not pushing for an divorce is likely a plus, but it doesn't mean a lot if he refuses to come back to the marriage. It sounds to me like you both need some marriage counseling.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
you are right. i really did add the most lethal bomb to the mix
we had even started marriage therapy which he has now stopped a few weeks ago.
no i am in NO contact whatsoever with other man - thankfully he lives abroad - but he did fly over to seem me nearly a year back - i didnt see him, but it was really the start of the end then.

i know my husband has faults - i certainly do too.
i just can stand the shame and loss and sorrow i feel.

he has left a woman with a child before (my stepdaughters mum), and the main reason i insisted on marriage before kids was to avoid this happening again (he didnt marry her mother).

i think i always felt guilty for 'having him' - and so i utterly destroyed it.

i just find it impossible to live with myself and handle my darling gorgeous beautiful child who will grow up without two parents together.

the minute i had done it i felt sick with myself and realised quite how much i loved my husband. but i suppose we sometimes only value what we had when we lose it

i only mention his bad points to try and get some perspective and see if i am just fantasising about it through rose coloured glasses now that it seems he wont come back

i just wish i could let go - i calm myself by feeling loving and trying to accept that if i really do love him i will set him free - then he is cold towards me when i try hard - or rude (as he often was in last couple of years), and i bottle it up and feel hurt and rejected and then get angry and text or call him maniacally.

i just wish i knew how to behave with dignity and take proper care of myslf rather than get lost in this obsession that i am not getting a handle on at all

that is why i ask if it is better that i just go ahead and start the mediation process - will i feel better? more in control? happier and more able to let him go?
 

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From what you wrote, it sounds like you both have drinking problems.

Sounds like you gradually fell out of love with your husband. You basically call him an alcoholic and a bum. It doesn't sound like he earns consistently which probably bothers you. You do everything while he sits around and gets drunk. If that is the case, its easy to see why you fell out of love and into the arms and bed of someone else. I do not condone affairs, they do nothing but destroy marriages but it happens all the time. But I'll ask this, "is your marriage worth fixing?"

Right now your husband is making you sweat. He is using the affair as his weapon to make you feel bad. He wants you to seek help regarding alcohol and food dependency. I say you do it, but don't do it for him, you do it for yourself. Clean up your act, ditch the booze, go on a healthy diet, join a gym and lose the weight. You will feel really good about yourself. Working on yourself is a great way to get out of depression because you will see results. I bet you will also attract a lot of new suitors because of your new look.

I suggest you stop texting or messaging your husband and look like the helpless puppy dog. Cut him off. I would also ditch the guy you had the affair with. Just work on yourself. I can bet your husband will crawl back to you, and when he does, ask yourself "Do I really want to go back to this guy?" The final decision is up to you, but give yourself some time away to really figure that out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
thanks for the replies

i havent had a drink in 7 months and am really pretty fit - my eating issues are not ones of overweight - also i have barely drunk in the whole last year - i did the night i strayed (but i think most people would have)

thing is i am still depressed - i never go out as i dont want to abandon my son - and he has problems sleeping at night so struggle to use a babysitter
only his dad babysits so its like he knows everything about my life - and yet i dont know what he is up to the rest of the time

i run regularly and eat really well - i am just very needy (inside)
at times i think i am fun and attractive but i have zero self confidence and cant just 'switch' it on

i wish i could meet someone else - just for some companionship but i feel so flawed and like i am mentally not well and that no one would want me

i also hurt every day at the school gates when i imagine all the 'happy families'
i am in true self-pity - ie its not fair - they have more than one kid, there marriage is still strong, they dont have my problems of money and fear and inability to stand on my own two feet

and this negative thinking keeps me anxious and stressed and i dread the small amount of work i have taken on and dont even feel well enough to do that.

because i feel like this i am isolating from friends ( i feel they too dont respect me much as i dont respect myself) and most of them have busy lives and families and i feel insecure to be around them.

so i am in a rut and i just wish i could pull myself out - just font know where to begin.

i work in mornings with kids, then have to collect my son from school and we spend many hours together alone
he cries at night and cant sleep so i am then tired during the day

and it seems to go on and on like this

i have no faith i will ever get along with anyone else

yet i cant get along with my husband and he doesnt seem to want to try
 

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I think you need to work on yourself first and focus less on what your husband might or might do. And I don't think a new relationship with someone else is the answer right now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
i agree - new relationship is really not the answer.
ok so i am clear on that now
but what does work on oneself actually mean?
i know you are right - i just feel stuck in doing it
 

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i agree - new relationship is really not the answer.
ok so i am clear on that now
but what does work on oneself actually mean?
i know you are right - i just feel stuck in doing it
Hi improving -

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation, but glad to hear you have kept sober for 7 months now despite the challenges you are facing -- great job on that! Since completing the rehab, have you got connected with your recovery community? Women's meetings, especially, are a place where you will find lots of understanding, support and practical tools for working on yourself. And it's free! :)

Your best chances for the most positive outcome possible will be to stay on your recovery path, and never take it for granted -- going down that rabbit hole again is NOT an option and even worse consequences are possible. We are all finite, fallible human beings, and it takes a lot of guts to get honest with ourselves and work on our issues. Whatever pain you are feeling, know that it will pass and things will sort themselves out for the best if you work on your side of the street. Keep posting and hang in there!

Cheers, - A12
 
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