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Hello. I'm a 35 year old mother of 4 boys and have been married for 7 years, together 12. 6 years ago we decided to have our 4th and final child. Our relationship was awesome at the time and I don't think anything would have been more fitting then to add another babe to the family. I was 29, chubby, but healthy and very active with our children and without, going to have drinks twice a week with friends. 4 months in my blood pressure went threw the roof causing me to be put on strict bed rest and was hospitalized several times before being induced at 31 weeks....he almost killed me. During that pregnancy I thought more about life and how I wanted to be living it...expressing it all to him the whole way. After the baby was born and he was finally ok to come home I made the changes I intended to. I cut some people out of my life, stopped going out and started spending more time with my children. He has never been much for family fun...he actually sucks the fun out of every situation that has to do with our children due to them "being loud" or not listening. My children are very well behaved(and that's not coming from a boastful mom..they are 4 boys 4-16..they are loud). After the baby came he still did the same things. Went out, drank, left us every weekend to go do as he pleased while we did the norm...went to baseball and football practice, to the park, visit grandparents houses. He became angry when I refused to go to the bar and call me a goody goody and a bible thumper. A while after that he came to the conclusion that I didnt care what he was doing because I was beginning not to care at all..and he was right. He vowed change, stopped going to the bar, cut out most of his "friends", and started to do things with us again. Things are going ok but I'm left still questioning it all. He has been very vocal about not liking my hair, or that I grow my nails long, and when we discuss sex...he says it's the same old thing and is completely unwilling to try knew things. I can tell that he isn't attracted to me anymore. I don't know if I should give up and keep trying. He gives me a lot of speeches about how I'm going crazy and I need to see a hormone doctor and pretty much that he doesn't like the way I look. He is literally my roommate. We sleep together but don't touch. Our only conversation is always had with his phone in his face watching videos. He says he loves me and he does NOT want a divorce...even thown the phrase...all marriages have there ups and downs. We will work threw it. But I really don't know how much more of what I feel like is mental abuse I can take.
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Tbh, it is just flowery speech to keep you stuck. Work on it? That actually requires effort. The question is what do each of you offer each other that makes a relationship loving.

You are pretty much cohabitants at this point. Love needs to be shown not spoken. I suggest you work on your issues first, go see some counselors on tools how to change you. Your change may affect him, but if it does not, you will be mentally healthy to move on with your life.

Just detach from him at the moment, work out, focus on you, make your life without him a positive one and if he does not follow, your transition will be a lot easier. Because, in the end, you know you will be alright. And at this point, you will be banging your head against a wall. People have to want to change.
 

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trying to unpack your post a bit:

Positives:

- you cut out drinking and hanging out with certain people. you asked your husband to do the same and he initially refused but finally came around. you do seem more focused on his initial refusal for some reason, but the end result seems positive.

- he says he loves you and does not want to divorce.

Negatives:

- although he is home more he is not very engaged in family life

- he seems to belittle your appearance and you believe he does not have much attraction toward you

- you yourself appear to have a negative self image. this makes me wonder how much of the lack of attraction you perceive may be in your own head. I am not trying to dismiss your husband's hurtful words just trying to get some clarity on whether you may be self sabotaging

- your husband seems to have some complaints about you: you are a "bible thumper" "goody goody" "crazy", etc. Obviously these are all very insulting but is there any truth to them?

- you suggest there is mental abuse present. if his comments on your appearance are happening regularly, I could see how you might call it that. is this correct? is there something else going on? abuse is a pretty charged word.
 
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