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My husband and I have been separated for 3 years now. He initiated the separation, he left me out of no where with our 1 year old and 6 year old. He took me to court a month later for visitation but never filed for divorce. He said many times he was filing the papers but never did. In the passed 3 years he has come back every few months. Asking for another chance, and clamming he would never leave me and the kids again. When he comes back, he is great for 2-3 months. And then after his 3 months is up, he leaves me again. He goes from love to hate in a spit second. He loves and adores me one minute and next he wont even look at me.



A little background, He is 40 yrs old I am 27. We got engaged and then decided to start trying for a baby. We got pregnant and got married. My parents let us live in there house until we could save some money to move out. We lived at my parents house for a year and then he moved out. He moved back to his parents house. He has messed with my emotions so much. He has messed with my kids emotions so much. He is so unstable. He will come back trying to make things work. I never let him move back in, it was always a trial period of making sure things were different. he would always leave again. He leaves over everyday stress, a disagreement, not wanting to communicate. Its normal everyday marriage stuff, that he runs out on. It hurts so bad that he can love me so much but then throw it all away over and over again. I don't get how someone can do that to their family. I take him back every time because I love him and I miss him and I hope so badly that it will be different this time around.



Fast forward to now. We started seeing each other again in May and by August he was gone again. In October he came back to love mode and we started to "work things out again". Here we are now and he left me again this weekend. The reason is he told me he wanted to live with me again and didn't want to go back and forth to his parents house. I told him if it was my house I would have let him move back already, but its not my house, its my parents. My mother told me months ago, that she will never allow him to move back in. She feels he should get a place of his own, he's 40 years old and married, she feels he needs to be responsible. So I told him he couldn't move back in, but if he wanted to live with his wife and kids again, he should get a place for us. He said he cant afford to move out. I told him he should bust his butt and try and better his position at his current job making more money, or maybe looking for something different. I told him, wouldn't you feel good as a man to provide for your family, instead of relying on my parents. He's been living with his parents since he moved out 3 years ago. Before we got married and he moved into my parents house he also lived with his parents. He flipped out on me and told me I was selfish and I need to figure out a way to have him move back. if not there is no point in being together again. He canceled all our credit cards and left me with nothing, AGAIN! This is the cycle, he leaves me with nothing every time he leave. He's mad, but life still goes on and I still need to buy food for our kids. it hurts so bad that he can do this to me and the kids, over and over again.



Just last week he was telling me how in love he was, and so happy. Swearing he would never mess this up again. He wanted to start trying for another baby and get me pregnant. Now he's back to hate mode and shuts me and our marriage and our life out. This is what he does every time he comes back and then leaves. I keep taking him back hoping things will be better, But they never are.



What do you guys think? Am I selfish for telling him he cant move back in? Its not my decision to make. I feel lost and hurt again. I cant take the hurt anymore. Now my kids are asking, why isn't daddy here. My kids suffer just as much as I do. It kills me inside that he can be so loving and so cold the next.


He has no future goal or motivation to have his own place. He just plans on living at his parents house and then moving back to my parents.
 

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Based on what you have said, I personally couldnt trust someone who can move in and out like that. I think your right, stand strong, he needs to stand on his own two feet and think about the effect it is having on your kids and on you who is left to look after them whenever he decides he wants to flit off into the night. bless you.
 

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You are right, if he really cared and wanted to be with you and your children he would be busting his ass to make it happen. If he isn't motivated to put in the work then you really should not give him another chance.

And just from your description, what's to say he can even hold it together after he gets a place and talks you into moving in?
 

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Absolutely there is no point to be together again.

How many chances he wants? He had enough to prove himself emotionally unstable and irresponsible.

Don't wait and file for divorce.

40 and still lives with parents? Sorry but he is hopeless.
 

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Don't let him back. Let him show you over the NEXT 3 years that he can be a stable influence in his kids lives, and maybe THEN you'll consider it. The more he comes in and out, the more it messes your kids up.
 

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I never let him move back in, it was always a trial period of making sure things were different. he would always leave again.
Sure you did. He can't "leave" if you don't "let him move back in".

I take him back every time because I love him and I miss him and I hope so badly that it will be different this time around.
Time for the "three strikes and you're out" rule. I know, it's been more than that. So no need to even count.

My mother told me months ago, that she will never allow him to move back in.
She is the only one of the three of you with any common sense.

He canceled all our credit cards and left me with nothing, AGAIN! This is the cycle, he leaves me with nothing every time he leave. He's mad, but life still goes on and I still need to buy food for our kids. it hurts so bad that he can do this to me and the kids, over and over again.
Get down to the courthouse and file for support.

Just last week he was telling me how in love he was, and so happy. Swearing he would never mess this up again.
I'm skeptical.

What do you guys think? Am I selfish for telling him he cant move back in? Its not my decision to make.
Good thing. Otherwise you'd say "sure come on back, we love each other and this time it will be different".

It kills me inside that he can be so loving and so cold the next.
He sounds like he's got Borderline Personality Disorder.


He has no future goal or motivation to have his own place. He just plans on living at his parents house and then moving back to my parents.
You picked a real winner.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
LemonLime, it seems you are well aware of your husband's pattern of behavior and have been hoping and waiting for a change for many years. I'm sorry that your marriage is so uncertain and your kids don't have the benefit of a daddy that's present and involved.

Your mom's boundary of not letting him move back in may very well be a motivation for your husband to realize he can't continue with the back and forth living situation. It's her house and her rules, and as others have indicated, a 40 year old man with a job, wife and children should be making better choices.

As you collect advice on various boards here, you may wish to get a copy of the book _Smart Women Know When to Say No_ by Dr. Kevin Leman, a psychologist. Sometimes women focus too much on being nice and making people happy. He writes in a very simple and humorous way and uses many examples from his counseling practice to help women make good choices in relationships, whether it's with a spouse, parent, friend, etc.

I truly hope that by approaching this frustrating situation in a new way that you will have confidence in making future decisions.

I don't think it will motivate him at all. He thinks im selfish and a horrible person. I actually sent him a apology email today, when he is the one at fault. But I hate fighting with him and I hate knowing hes mad at me. He never replied, it was a letter to. so simple and meaningful. Jst explaining myself. But hes on his hate mode. And he just ignores and hates me.

I don't get how he can be so happy and in love and in a split second he can hate me. He gets so evil. How can he leave his wife and family anytime things get rough. I don't understand. ITs not even rough stuff, its reality. I don't understand it.

thanks for reply
 
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