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Discussion Starter #1
I'm not even sure if this is the right place to put this but it looks like it.

*sigh* Where do I start...

I'm with a man that I do care about, that I love. A man that I am going to marry in November but there have been issues.

I really believe that he suffers from depression and most of it coming from his past. He has only told me so much about his past and a lot of it, he doesn't want to speak of to anyone. I can understand this, there are some things in my own past that are too painful to even think about. We accept this from each other and try to understand that there are days that we just have to sit down and try to collect ourselves.

But recently, it's been hard. We're currently in different countries, mainly because of work, but I am moving back to America soon. It's only four more months but this long distance thing is really messing with us. Mostly me, I suppose.

He has been depressed more and more lately. Stressed from work and from other things that he is thinking about but doesn't tell me. He started smoking something called Spice or Salvia. I looked it up and it's similar to Pot, which I don't really have any issues with except that it's illegal. Spice is legal though, so I'm not sure what is really bad about it. Only bad thing I've heard is that it can be mixed with some chemicals and can be really bad, messing up the brain and causing even more major depression.

I've told him about this and that I wish he would stop. That if he got something mixed, that it could really hurt him and he wouldn't really be able to tell if it was mixed or not. He went off to say that it was his choice whether or not he did this. Pretty much saying that I had no say in the matter.

On top of that, when he gets depressed, he doesn't talk to me. Recently, it will go four or five days before I even hear from him, and usually only for 30 minutes or so. I told him how it hurts that I don't get to talk to him and he just sits there. Doesn't say anything and even at times, will just smile while I'm pouring my heart out. It feels like he doesn't care at all.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm scared that IF (now I consider an if because of the fear) we get married, that he will continue this. I don't think I can do handle it. But now I'm stuck. I had purchased a ticket to visit him in november, that we would get married then, and it was a lot of money. I can't cancel the plane ticket either. I don't know what to do.

Am I making this into a big deal? Am I being overdramatic about this or am I justified?
 

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Oh god, don't marry him. My husband told me that he suffered from bouts of depression in highschool and college, but I just didn't get it. Then he had two while we were together and i took the blame. NOw we are married and have a baby. He didn't help with the newborn all last year and it was miserable. Not only didn't he help but he was in a nasty mood and mean to me the whole time. Now he started meds and it has been alot better. But, he has stopped twice in only two months and it's like he instantly hates me.
I cannot tell you the pain that this has caused me. And about half of all people in a relationship with a depressed person become depressed themselves.
I don't know if he loves me. He will never talk to me and says that he is "sick of my need" to talk that means. And other terrible things. He says he feels cold and dead inside and turns away and lays on the bed whenever I try to talk to him about anything but the weather.
It's awful and lonely and like have a relationship with an uncommunicative stranger.
Move on. I would have paid thousands of dollars to know that this is how it would be. One silly plane ticket doesn't matter. And yes, I love him and yes, we have a beautiful baby and yes, I feel trapped every day.
 

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I'm at home now. I managed to get through work with shaky hands and voice, trying my hardest to not just break down right there. I think the students knew that there was something up with me and bless their hearts, they were so good today. They kept asking me to play games with them, ones that they know I like to play too, and I actually felt relief for a little bit.

With my emotions back down and being back at home, I started thinking over everything. I'm not going to make a slew of excuses for me or him, that would be completely redundant but I feel like I need to get this all off my chest.

Gods know, I'm not perfect. I sometimes am oversensitive about things and I look at the world in a very black and white way. Either it's good or it's bad and I don't really accept things in the grey. I know that I want to control things at times but I have been working on that. Working on accepting the things that I cannot change and the things I cannot control. It's hard for me and I find myself lapsing sometimes. I also suffer from depression as well. To the point where I want to curl up in the corner and just cry my eyes out for hours. I'm not suicidal. I have found ways to manage through it but certain days, it just builds too much and I feel myself falling apart.

As for my fiance. I can see that he goes through fits of depression. His own mother attests to them being very bad since being in the military. I know he hates doing that and wants to leave so badly but with very few options on how to get out. I try to give him his space, especially since he has told me that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. When he gets depressed, he lashes out. The last time he did, he left the house for three hours and came back, collapsed, and cried his eyes out. Begging me to forgive him for the things he had said to me before he had left. Now to avoid it, he will leave before he gets too upset and then return to talk about it.

I try to understand but dammit, I hate being left in the dark. I know it's the part of me that wants to control. I want to know everything. I try to be patient with him, let him have his space so that he can get through his depression, but after this recent finding...I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. On occasion, I do recreational activities like him but I do not want to become dependent on them, so I distance myself.

Since this is our first big dealing, I don't want to just end it. I don't want to just leave because of our first big fight like this, yet I have received numerous messages around that I should just leave now.

@venuslove

I see what you are saying here but here's the thing, I am depressed as well. I have gone through it since I was a child. I never took medication for it but instead, found ways to deal through it. I understand how tough it can be and since this is our first actual fight like this...I want to find a way. It might be naive and yes, he could do the examples that you have shown in your own history, but perhaps I am too optimistic.
 

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I see what you are saying here but here's the thing, I am depressed as well.
If you both are suffering from depression, my advice is to not marry right now. Getting married isn't going to fix this issue, if anything it will spiral out of control and become worse. You both might want to seek counseling for yourselves. Talk out your feelings and get to the root of any unresolved issues/anger from childhood or whatever. If you don't do this now, it will resurface and get worse after you marry. I'm not saying depression will completely disappear in counseling but, it will at least be a start to help you both learn ways of handling things. You might want to check into getting on some meds to or at least finding out some alternative ways to help deal with it. Not doing anything, isn't going to help.
 
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