Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 34 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My spouse has been accusing me of the unthinkable for almost our entire relationship. The last year has been the worse. The things he says crush me. I am by all rights a wonderful wife and mother. I am loyal and affectionate. I seek to please him all the time. I bend over backwards to make him feel loved and respected. Even more so since the diagnosis, All to no avail. Whether it be a bruise or a scratch a "man" smell on my clothes. It can be anything. "What are you typing, what are you reading who are you talking to", that's my life constant questioning. I really have no friends because any conversation is a delusion that I am off having wild sex parties. Man or women either way I am a **** and have to be cheating on him. Why else would he think I was cheating if I really wasn't(his logic). He couldn't possibly be imagining it. Oh he is always apologetic and begging for forgiveness. Says he'll never do it again if I give him one more chance. But I don't think I have it in me anymore. So many years of his rage and accusations. I am so tired tired tired. I walk on egg shells always afraid I will get "caught". Caught doing what I don't know but I am always judging every conversation I have..would he find it inappropriate. I avoid all eye contact even when he isn't around I avert my eyes lest someone gets the wrong idea. I isolate myself to keep him safe but it makes no difference any comment and conversation and bruise or scratch can lead to his accusing me or implying I have been unfaithful. I am as loyal as they come but I am ready to unloyal myself and leave him. I am toasted and want to have a bit of freedom and be able to breath. I can't let him eat me away anymore. How do you get free? I just don't know how and so it goes on and on. I feel pathetic and weak for letting someone treat me like this. I am a SAHM so it isn't s if I can just move out. I am trapped in a relationship of emotional abuse. All I can do at this point is harden my heart and not care what he thinks and let the future take care of it for me.
To anyone that asks "could you have done something to provoke this?" you have no idea how insulting that is. Cheater's don't have to ask why their spouses would think they would cheat. I have never done anything to make him think I was cheating. In fact most of our relationship he would say comments and look at other women to try to make me jealous. I never did those things to him. My waving to a neighbor is enough to make him go crazy and stew and steam until he went off on a rage fit. So please don't ask me if I did anything because I have been loyal and trustworthy my entire life, it is my character through and through. I expect the same standard of him and I believe him to be loyal, just not trusting and what is a relationship without trust?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Easier said then done. It has only become unmanageable in the last year...along with the diagnosis he had an extreme event to say the least. All over me going to get cough syrup at the pharmacy..I was gone 20-30 minutes...but somehow his delusions created this amazing fantasy of my lover and me having a rendezvous. uggg
Plus a little perspective...I have 4 kids and no self income...should I move into the car? Easier said then done.
I have screamed at the top of my lungs that I am done done done...trust me I am a tiger but I am also forgiving and when he is great he is great...I love him like trees love water. So not being a cold hard ***** I forgive forgive forgive. Obviously I am at my wits end and trapped to say the least. I hate being cold and distant. I want to be with him...just not the jealous him.
If I could leave I would have n doubt moved out long ago but like I said I don't have the ability to do that. And no I ma not moving into a shelter because my children don't need that kind of trauma. As far as they are concerned life is full of sunshine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device
Why didn't I think of that...it's so simple...I'll just pack my bags and move into the nearest hotel with all my gold and silver coins to keep me feed and sheltered.

LOL

If we all were gifted with foresight and endless cash!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
119 Posts
Why didn't I think of that...it's so simple...I'll just pack my bags and move into the nearest hotel with all my gold and silver coins to keep me feed and sheltered.

LOL

If we all were gifted with foresight and endless cash!
Do you not have any family, friends? A job? How old are your children?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts
Uh, yeah, accusing your spouse of cheating is a huge red flag.

And don't say it's impossible to leave. It isn't. I left my ex with a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old with nothing but the clothes in our suitcases. I stayed with my brother for a couple of weeks, went on social assistance, got a place, spent a year on welfare till I got a job, then continued with income supplementation till I could get off welfare. You just have to decide to DO it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,742 Posts
Maybe he is projecting and he is the one that is cheating!

I'd look into it.
YEP, this was my thought as well.

If you REALLY want to get out, you will find a way. There is ALWAYS a way. Otherwise you will just give yourself excuse after excuse and keep living the way you are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
What has he been dxed. with? Is he still working?
He has delusional disorder...the title says it all. Jealousy is only one of his issues...but the one that effects our relationship.
He does work, he is a good provider. I have all I could want and then some from a materialistic sense.
I don't have family to turn to.
No, I don't think he has ever cheated not in the least. He is very loyal but very insecure. Him cheating is not even an issue as far as I am concerned. Not that I haven't thought about it, but really it is laughable. He is too serious and busy and not at all flirty, looky but not flirty and I realized that the only reason he gawks is to see if I care. He wants me to be jealous. I swear he thinks that is how you show love.
It is crazy messed up and he swears he will move out several times to give me peace...he moved out once for a day...lol He just has a hard time letting go of what he "loves". I have a hard time being angry and mean for very long. I need a ref. ahh the webs. I have managed to ignore his calls and texts today, but it makes me feel guilty and sad and jerkish.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts
He is too serious and busy and not at all flirty, looky but not flirty
Sounds just like my husband. You can read about what he was doing thru the link in my sig if you care to.

So, if you're not willing to leave him, what ARE you willing to do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
If you don't want to go to a homeless shelter, then get a job, become financially independent & move out.

Do your children hear him verbally & emotionally abuse you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,079 Posts
What delusional disorder? Have you read all about what he has been diagnosed with? Is it treatable? Is he able to "just stop" like others are suggesting, given this disorder? These are important questions. If he is mentally ill, you can't deal with this like he can just turn it off like a switch.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Sounds just like my husband. You can read about what he was doing thru the link in my sig if you care to.

So, if you're not willing to leave him, what ARE you willing to do?
So not even close...we have a great sex life...porn not an issue we both occasionally check it out together. He is not a chat kind of person and is way to paranoid to click on all those sites in fear of infecting our computer. Other then his jealous rage he is great


The actual term is called Delusional Disorder. Google it. He has Jealousy Type and a few others that are irrelevant to the conversation. No there is no cure. It is a lifetime affliction his father has it and he never knew until he himself lost it and I called them and then of course all the family secrets come out. He tends to like to bring on the drama in the wee hours...so know the kids aren't bothered. We have a big house and they don't know what is going on.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1 Posts
It sounds like he is obviously very insecure, and if he is so paranoid about who you communicate with and such, it does sound like maybe he is the one doing what he is accusing you of. If you have any family members to confide in, that would be a good idea.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
He has been going to counseling so he is trying but it just isn't working.
I am going to suggest counseling for couples which I know he will do. He is desperate to not be like this....which makes it all harder. It is a mental illness one that has sad outcomes in most cases. This isn't about cheating spouses or any drama of the normal sort. I love him very much and I know he has a hard time controlling these thoughts. It is like a fountain he puts a cork in. The pressure just builds as he tries to deflect all the thoughts and then explodes into an insane accusation. Like last night he had a rash and suggested a STD test. You can imagine how insulted and hurt I was. He admits he is an ahole but can't think like a normal person. Just trying to rationalize his ideas is the most insane pointless conversation.He just doesn't even hear the **** he says and why it would upset me. He thinks I am angry for saying mean things...but I am angry because he insinuates I am cheating. He can't seem to understand the connection. His mind is wired so strange. For years before the diagnosis I used to tell him he was Delusional...if I had only known how right I was.
I really just came here to vent' I am aware that only I can fix this. I can choose to stand by his crazy **** and learn to tune it out, I can leave. Time puts you were you need to be. I just needed to vent after a long night of drama. Thanks all
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,913 Posts
The actual term is called Delusional Disorder. ...He has Jealousy Type and a few others....
WWW, how sure are you that he has DD (Delusional Disorder)? What type of therapist gave you the diagnosis? I ask because, if your H really does have DD, he is an extremely unusual man. The prevalence of DD in the general population is believed to be only 0.03% -- that is 200 times smaller than the prevalence of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder, which has a prevalence of about 6%). And, because the Jealousy Type is one of only six subtypes of DD, the likelihood of having that subtype is even smaller still.

I note that the strong fear of abandonment, temper tantrums, irrational rage, and controlling behavior you describe are some of the classic traits of BPD. I therefore suggest you read my brief description of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522 to see if most of them sound very familiar. If they do ring a bell, I suggest you obtain a second professional opinion by seeing a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself, without your H being present.

My concern is the common practice by therapists of deliberately withholding the name of the main disorder when treating high functioning BPDers. Therapists do this because they are ethically bound to protect the interests of their BPDer clients. There are several reasons why it is in the best interests of those clients NOT to be told they have BPD. If you are interested, I explain the reasons at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909. The result is that the BPDer and his spouse are often told only about the co-occurring Axis-1 disorder (such as DD, PTSD, bipolar, and anxiety). Unlike BPD or other PDs, all of those Axis-1 disorders are covered by insurance and do not scare clients into terminating therapy.
I walk on egg shells always afraid I will get "caught."
Interestingly, Stop Walking on Eggshells is the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused spouses of BPDers. I mention all this because, if you learn that your H has strong BPD traits, you will find a world of information and support available online (e.g., at the BPDfamily.com forum). In contrast, DD is so rare that I've never seen a support forum devoted to it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,603 Posts
I hate being cold and distant. I want to be with him...just not the jealous him.
If I could leave I would have n doubt moved out long ago but like I said I don't have the ability to do that.
But he is jealous. This is who he is. So either you tolerate it or you do something about it. And remember, people only change/stop detrimental behaviors when they make a choice to. You can't do that for him.

You say you don't have the ability to move--so get one. Get a job and start saving money. Seriously. You need to do this STAT.

I sincerely doubt your kids think everything is "sunshine." Kids pick up on things, especially controlling environments/people. Your marriage is extremely unhealthy. You are in an abusive relationship. This is mental abuse--someone doing this to you constantly and making you feel anxious over it and having to justify every little thing, even going to the grocery store/pharmacy. Not cool or healthy.

I was in a relationship like yours--it gets worse over time. Constantly feeling like you're doing something wrong/walking on eggshells, having to account for every single thing you do--made to feel bad about every single time you go anywhere--this is not a way to live. This is controlling behavior to the nth degree.

When you've had enough, you will know. Unfortunately, until you actually believe that you are done and do something about it, you will find yourself living w/ the status quo.

I feel sorry for your situation--but realize--you can take a stand--when and if you want to.

Your 4 kids watching this every day--no good. They are going to grow up either thinking this is the way a normal relationship works, being controlled, or will go on to treat their partners the same way in the future.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 
1 - 20 of 34 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top