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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey everyone. I could really use some advise. I am soon to be 34 y/o man, married to a soon to be 33 y/o woman. We dated for 3 & 1/2 years, and have been married since April 2017. Everything was looking great until May 2017, when her brother died in a car crash on the way to work. Since then grief and her anxiety over not being able to plan for a future has put a serious strain on the marriage.

We had always talked about kids, but in the last few months she has been adamant about trying to get pregnant. But with our fighting, which always ends up being about not being in the moment with her once every other month or so because I might not be around tomorrow, and it not even being 1 year away from her brother's passing, am I wrong for wanting to delay having a child?

We both come from broken families, so it seems obvious to me that children aren't a fix for any relationship problems. And knowing she isn't over the loss of her brother, to me it appears she wants to use the kid as a means of getting over that. Am I wrong for that?

Maybe it would help things, maybe it would be the catalyst to help get things back on track. When I finally came clean with my feelings tonight, and told her that's why I've been coming up with excuses to get out of sex, it broke her. I mean I have only seen her that upset 1 other time. I told her it's not that I flat out don't want kids, it's just that I feel delaying would be best for us, and the future kid. There is nothing in the world I would want more than to be a dad, and to have her as the mother. At a loss, and possibly losing a marriage. Feedback would be appreciated.
 

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I generally think kids are not good as a bandaid, but your age makes me think more than grief is a factor. If kids were always in the works I generally advise to go for it, but if there is more fighting and you are actually in serious doubt at the strength of your relationship then i do see and understand your hesitation.

Can you share more about your troubles pre loss of brother? Was there fighting then?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Things were great before the accident. There was a trust issue we worked on early In the relationship. She found the spank bank on the laptop. Deleted it, and worked through it. Her big concern tonight was fear of running out of eggs. She's worried that she's gonna miss the window to have kids of her own. I get that I do, which is why I keep asking her get her OBGYN to check. She avoided getting checked the last two trips.

Was hoping to stall until after anniversary of the accident, but that got exposed tonight. Now I am on the defensive trying to explain that I want kids, I want them to be ours, but I am worried about them being a bandaid, like you mentioned.
 

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And my guess would be that she hasn't asked her OB/GYN about her eggs because she is scared of hearing bad news. Is there a history of fertility problems in her family?
 

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I've seen 2 cases where the couple thought a kid was going to band-aid the relationship back together. Both are now divorced. We have two kids of our own and I can
tell you that even with the best of relationships there are times you will be tested. I don't pretend to have your answer but I've seen the results of my 2 case scenario.
Work on the relationship first and foremost.

Edit: And get her some grief counselling immediately
 

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Things were great before the accident. There was a trust issue we worked on early In the relationship. She found the spank bank on the laptop. Deleted it, and worked through it.
Good lord, you are so whipped. What does "we worked through it" really mean? That you deleted it and then kissed her ass for a couple of months until Miss Thang was happy again? Geez. Wait until she starts telling you what you can fantasize about and what you're allowed to look at out in public and when you're allowed to masturbate. If I were you, I'd march right into the bedroom and take your testicles out of her purse and put them back where they belong.

While she's acting irrationally, the fact remains her window for childbearing is getting smaller every single day. It's not that she's going to 'run out' of eggs tomorrow, it's just that the older a woman gets, the older her eggs get as well and they diminish in quantity and quality with age. I believe it's after the age of 35 that things become a lot more difficult for a woman to conceive, and she's not too far from that age.

Stop being whipped and giving in to her every time she gets a bug up her ass and makes one of her ludicrous demands, or you're going to be one very miserable man 10 or 20 years from now.
 

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OP,
Kids are not bandaids for relationships. They are one of the more stressful things to happen to a relationship. Each one is different and adds their own unique level of stress. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys, but kids add stress.
 

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If grief is the only thing preventing you from having children, then I would say try. She is in grief and her future in her mind is looking badly. This will give her something to look forward to and will probably be what she needs to snap out of it.

I have known a couple of couples that did that. Even though there was grief, they continued on with their previous plans for the future and it really helped them move past their loss and start back on their path.




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Not a good idea but you guys can still get there.

1. Couples Counseling until you BOTH feel good about this, until pain and anxiety are resolved and you both get on the same page
2. If that doesn't work, not a good idea to bring a kid into this that will create more stress and anxiety for starters
3. If it does work, proceed with caution but make sure you are on the same page and go into it .... all in, having kids is the best thing in the world but in the wrong environment and circumstance could be devastating to both the parents and the innocent kids brought into the world.
 

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I can only speak for myself, but kids definitely made us closer in a lot of ways. They did add other stresses that we didn't foresee being an issue but these are common stresses of having kids that everyone experiences. Some of them are obvious, like we had less time to spend together. That one hit me harder than I thought it would. You don't really have to work for time together before kids like you do after. Changes in sexual frequency, the typical stuff.

Overall though, our bond became much stronger as parents. We both had more purpose and both stepped up. It changed our relationship, but for the better. My wife is the best mother and such a great leader of the family. That isn't to say she wears the pants always, but some people just have natural leadership abilities and having kids definitely brought out the best in her in that regard. The funny thing is she says she doesn't like to lead all the time, but she naturally does it anyway and with ease and without stepping on my toes.

For me it settled me down a bit. I can be very impulsive and a bit wild. I've always been a great support member in work. Settling me down allowed me to do what I do best. I can step up and lead at times when it is needed and I do well enough, but I'm better as a right hand man so to speak. I'm like commander Riker on star trek. A great "number one"

So where it really helped us was it ended almost every sort of power struggle. We naturally fell into a more balanced place which helped our bond. Plus with your kids comes this new sense of pride that is unexplainable. With each milestone, we felt like we were doing right by them and our respect for one another grew. I think she thinks I'm a good dad, she knows I think she's the best mom.

So yeah, it can definitely bond you guys and bring you closer. If that is the same case for you guys, I wouldn't see having a kid as a bandaid. She is still going to have to deal with her grief. But that said, you usually lean on your biggest supporters in times of grief. If your bond grows, the new found unconditional love in your life for your child and respect for one another can't hurt at all. Stresses in life are always present. Kids add a new stress but with that comes unconditional love which is worth the stresses.
 

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Such unfortunate news about your brother-in-law. Please be mindful of the choice you both make on whether to have children. Children need love, support, care, and much more! I can understand why she is worried because at her age it becomes more tough to have healthy eggs.

Grief counseling is something that you should support your wife in.

Good luck!
 
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