Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,714 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I think a lot of people carry into adulthood, even late adulthood, the defence mechanisms they learnt as a child. For example “Denial” the “It wasn’t me, I didn’t do it!” response of a child even when they are so obviously “guilty”. It’s for the parents to teach the child at a young age about personal responsibility, honesty, credibility and integrity so that the child doesn’t carry this primitive defence mechanism into adulthood.

But when dealing with a physically mature person who has the primitive defence mechanisms of a child life can become exceedingly difficult. In fact I think it’s these primitive defence mechanisms used by an adult in a marriage that has the “mind bending” effect on their partner.


The following list is from 15 Common Defense Mechanisms | Psych Central.

15 Common Defense Mechanisms by By John M. Grohol, Psy.D

In some areas of psychology (especially in psychodynamic theory), psychologists talk about “defense mechanisms,” or manners in which we behave or think in certain ways to better protect or “defend” ourselves. Defense mechanisms are one way of looking at how people distance themselves from a full awareness of unpleasant thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Psychologists have categorized defense mechanisms based upon how primitive they are. The more primitive a defense mechanism, the less effective it works for a person over the long-term. However, more primitive defense mechanisms are usually very effective short-term, and hence are favored by many people and children especially (when such primitive defense mechanisms are first learned). Adults who don’t learn better ways of coping with stress or traumatic events in their lives will often resort to such primitive defense mechanisms as well.

Most defense mechanisms are fairly unconscious – that means most of us don’t realize we’re using them in the moment. Some types of psychotherapy can help a person become aware of what defense mechanisms they are using, how effective they are, and how to use less primitive and more effective mechanisms in the future.

Primitive Defense Mechanisms

1. Denial
Denial is the refusal to accept reality or fact, acting as if a painful event, thought or feeling did not exist. It is considered one of the most primitive of the defense mechanisms because it is characteristic of early childhood development. Many people use denial in their everyday lives to avoid dealing with painful feelings or areas of their life they don’t wish to admit. For instance, a person who is a functioning alcoholic will often simply deny they have a drinking problem, pointing to how well they function in their job and relationships.

2. Regression
Regression is the reversion to an earlier stage of development in the face of unacceptable thoughts or impulses. For an example an adolescent who is overwhelmed with fear, anger and growing sexual impulses might become clingy and start exhibiting earlier childhood behaviors he has long since overcome, such as bedwetting. An adult may regress when under a great deal of stress, refusing to leave their bed and engage in normal, everyday activities.

3. Acting Out
Acting Out is performing an extreme behavior in order to express thoughts or feelings the person feels incapable of otherwise expressing. Instead of saying, “I’m angry with you,” a person who acts out may instead throw a book at the person, or punch a hole through a wall. When a person acts out, it can act as a pressure release, and often helps the individual feel calmer and peaceful once again. For instance, a child’s temper tantrum is a form of acting out when he or she doesn’t get his or her way with a parent. Self-injury may also be a form of acting-out, expressing in physical pain what one cannot stand to feel emotionally.

4. Dissociation
Dissociation is when a person loses track of time and/or person, and instead finds another representation of their self in order to continue in the moment. A person who dissociates often loses track of time or themselves and their usual thought processes and memories. People who have a history of any kind of childhood abuse often suffer from some form of dissociation. In extreme cases, dissociation can lead to a person believing they have multiple selves (“multiple personality disorder”). People who use dissociation often have a disconnected view of themselves in their world. Time and their own self-image may not flow continuously, as it does for most people. In this manner, a person who dissociates can “disconnect” from the real world for a time, and live in a different world that is not cluttered with thoughts, feelings or memories that are unbearable.

5. Compartmentalization
Compartmentalization is a lesser form of dissociation, wherein parts of oneself are separated from awareness of other parts and behaving as if one had separate sets of values. An example might be an honest person who cheats on their income tax return and keeps their two value systems distinct and un-integrated while remaining unconscious of the cognitive dissonance.

6. Projection
Projection is the misattribution of a person’s undesired thoughts, feelings or impulses onto another person who does not have those thoughts, feelings or impulses. Projection is used especially when the thoughts are considered unacceptable for the person to express, or they feel completely ill at ease with having them. For example, a spouse may be angry at their significant other for not listening, when in fact it is the angry spouse who does not listen. Projection is often the result of a lack of insight and acknowledgement of one’s own motivations and feelings.

7. Reaction Formation
Reaction Formation is the converting of unwanted or dangerous thoughts, feelings or impulses into their opposites. For instance, a woman who is very angry with her boss and would like to quit her job may instead be overly kind and generous toward her boss and express a desire to keep working there forever. She is incapable of expressing the negative emotions of anger and unhappiness with her job, and instead becomes overly kind to publicly demonstrate her lack of anger and unhappiness.


Less Primitive, More Mature Defense Mechanisms
Less primitive defense mechanisms are a step up from the primitive defense mechanisms in the previous section. Many people employ these defenses as adults, and while they work okay for many, they are not ideal ways of dealing with our feelings, stress and anxiety. If you recognize yourself using a few of these, don’t feel bad – everybody does.

8. Repression
Repression is the unconscious blocking of unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses. The key to repression is that people do it unconsciously, so they often have very little control over it. “Repressed memories” are memories that have been unconsciously blocked from access or view. But because memory is very malleable and ever-changing, it is not like playing back a DVD of your life. The DVD has been filtered and even altered by your life experiences, even by what you’ve read or viewed.

9. Displacement
Displacement is the redirecting of thoughts feelings and impulses directed at one person or object, but taken out upon another person or object. People often use displacement when they cannot express their feelings in a safe manner to the person they are directed at. The classic example is the man who gets angry at his boss, but can’t express his anger to his boss for fear of being fired. He instead comes home and kicks the dog or starts an argument with his wife. The man is redirecting his anger from his boss to his dog or wife. Naturally, this is a pretty ineffective defense mechanism, because while the anger finds a route for expression, it’s misapplication to other harmless people or objects will cause additional problems for most people.

10. Intellectualization
Intellectualization is the overemphasis on thinking when confronted with an unacceptable impulse, situation or behavior without employing any emotions whatsoever to help mediate and place the thoughts into an emotional, human context. Rather than deal with the painful associated emotions, a person might employ intellectualization to distance themselves from the impulse, event or behavior. For instance, a person who has just been given a terminal medical diagnosis, instead of expressing their sadness and grief, focuses instead on the details of all possible fruitless medical procedures.

11. Rationalization
Rationalization is putting something into a different light or offering a different explanation for one’s perceptions or behaviors in the face of a changing reality. For instance, a woman who starts dating a man she really, really likes and thinks the world of is suddenly dumped by the man for no reason. She reframes the situation in her mind with, “I suspected he was a loser all along.”

12. Undoing
Undoing is the attempt to take back an unconscious behavior or thought that is unacceptable or hurtful. For instance, after realizing you just insulted your significant other unintentionally, you might spend then next hour praising their beauty, charm and intellect. By “undoing” the previous action, the person is attempting to counteract the damage done by the original comment, hoping the two will balance one another out.


Mature Defense Mechanisms
Mature defense mechanisms are often the most constructive and helpful to most adults, but may require practice and effort to put into daily use. While primitive defense mechanisms do little to try and resolve underlying issues or problems, mature defenses are more focused on helping a person be a more constructive component of their environment. People with more mature defenses tend to be more at peace with themselves and those around them.

13. Sublimation
Sublimation is simply the channeling of unacceptable impulses, thoughts and emotions into more acceptable ones. For instance, when a person has sexual impulses they would like not to act upon, they may instead focus on rigorous exercise. Refocusing such unacceptable or harmful impulses into productive use helps a person channel energy that otherwise would be lost or used in a manner that might cause the person more anxiety.

Sublimation can also be done with humor or fantasy. Humor, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable impulses or thoughts into a light-hearted story or joke. Humor reduces the intensity of a situation, and places a cushion of laughter between the person and the impulses. Fantasy, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable or unattainable desires into imagination. For example, imagining one’s ultimate career goals can be helpful when one experiences temporary setbacks in academic achievement. Both can help a person look at a situation in a different way, or focus on aspects of the situation not previously explored.

14. Compensation
Compensation is a process of psychologically counterbalancing perceived weaknesses by emphasizing strength in other arenas. By emphasizing and focusing on one’s strengths, a person is recognizing they cannot be strong at all things and in all areas in their lives. For instance, when a person says, “I may not know how to cook, but I can sure do the dishes!,” they’re trying to compensate for their lack of cooking skills by emphasizing their cleaning skills instead. When done appropriately and not in an attempt to over-compensate, compensation is defense mechanism that helps reinforce a person’s self-esteem and self-image.

15. Assertiveness
Assertiveness is the emphasis of a person’s needs or thoughts in a manner that is respectful, direct and firm. Communication styles exist on a continuum, ranging from passive to aggressive, with assertiveness falling neatly inbetween. People who are passive and communicate in a passive manner tend to be good listeners, but rarely speak up for themselves or their own needs in a relationship. People who are aggressive and communicate in an aggressive manner tend to be good leaders, but often at the expense of being able to listen empathetically to others and their ideas and needs. People who are assertive strike a balance where they speak up for themselves, express their opinions or needs in a respectful yet firm manner, and listen when they are being spoken to. Becoming more assertive is one of the most desired communication skills and helpful defense mechanisms most people want to learn, and would benefit in doing so.

* * *

Remember, defense mechanisms are most often learned behaviors, most of which we learned during childhood. That’s a good thing, because it means that, as an adult, you can choose to learn some new behaviors and new defense mechanisms that may be more beneficial to you in your life. Many psychotherapists will help you work on these things, if you’d like. But even becoming more aware of when you’re using one of the less primitive types of defense mechanisms above can be helpful in identifying behaviors you’d like to reduce.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,714 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
What I find particularly intriguing is ….

13. Sublimation
Sublimation is simply the channelling of unacceptable impulses, thoughts and emotions into more acceptable ones. For instance, when a person has sexual impulses they would like not to act upon, they may instead focus on rigorous exercise. Refocusing such unacceptable or harmful impulses into productive use helps a person channel energy that otherwise would be lost or used in a manner that might cause the person more anxiety.

Sublimation can also be done with humour or fantasy. Humour, when used as a defence mechanism, is the channelling of unacceptable impulses or thoughts into a light-hearted story or joke. Humour reduces the intensity of a situation, and places a cushion of laughter between the person and the impulses. Fantasy, when used as a defence mechanism, is the channelling of unacceptable or unattainable desires into imagination. For example, imagining one’s ultimate career goals can be helpful when one experiences temporary setbacks in academic achievement. Both can help a person look at a situation in a different way, or focus on aspects of the situation not previously explored.


I find it very intriguing because treating fitness tests with humour is one of the top recommendations made in the Men’s Clubhouse. 13: Sublimation replaces 3: Acting Out in the mature male.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,751 Posts
Compartmentalization

Bob,
I had to do this for a long time. I still do on occassion. My W prefers a certain degree of fantasy that overlaps with mine. The thing is actually 'acting it out' makes it way too real for me. Whereas acting it out is "hot" for her.

"Oh bother" said Winnie the pooh.

To go to that dark place I have to compartmentalize. The regular "me" doesn't like it there.



I think a lot of people carry into adulthood, even late adulthood, the defence mechanisms they learnt as a child. For example “Denial” the “It wasn’t me, I didn’t do it!” response of a child even when they are so obviously “guilty”. It’s for the parents to teach the child at a young age about personal responsibility, honesty, credibility and integrity so that the child doesn’t carry this primitive defence mechanism into adulthood.

But when dealing with a physically mature person who has the primitive defence mechanisms of a child life can become exceedingly difficult. In fact I think it’s these primitive defence mechanisms used by an adult in a marriage that has the “mind bending” effect on their partner.


The following list is from 15 Common Defense Mechanisms | Psych Central.

15 Common Defense Mechanisms by By John M. Grohol, Psy.D

In some areas of psychology (especially in psychodynamic theory), psychologists talk about “defense mechanisms,” or manners in which we behave or think in certain ways to better protect or “defend” ourselves. Defense mechanisms are one way of looking at how people distance themselves from a full awareness of unpleasant thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Psychologists have categorized defense mechanisms based upon how primitive they are. The more primitive a defense mechanism, the less effective it works for a person over the long-term. However, more primitive defense mechanisms are usually very effective short-term, and hence are favored by many people and children especially (when such primitive defense mechanisms are first learned). Adults who don’t learn better ways of coping with stress or traumatic events in their lives will often resort to such primitive defense mechanisms as well.

Most defense mechanisms are fairly unconscious – that means most of us don’t realize we’re using them in the moment. Some types of psychotherapy can help a person become aware of what defense mechanisms they are using, how effective they are, and how to use less primitive and more effective mechanisms in the future.

Primitive Defense Mechanisms

1. Denial
Denial is the refusal to accept reality or fact, acting as if a painful event, thought or feeling did not exist. It is considered one of the most primitive of the defense mechanisms because it is characteristic of early childhood development. Many people use denial in their everyday lives to avoid dealing with painful feelings or areas of their life they don’t wish to admit. For instance, a person who is a functioning alcoholic will often simply deny they have a drinking problem, pointing to how well they function in their job and relationships.

2. Regression
Regression is the reversion to an earlier stage of development in the face of unacceptable thoughts or impulses. For an example an adolescent who is overwhelmed with fear, anger and growing sexual impulses might become clingy and start exhibiting earlier childhood behaviors he has long since overcome, such as bedwetting. An adult may regress when under a great deal of stress, refusing to leave their bed and engage in normal, everyday activities.

3. Acting Out
Acting Out is performing an extreme behavior in order to express thoughts or feelings the person feels incapable of otherwise expressing. Instead of saying, “I’m angry with you,” a person who acts out may instead throw a book at the person, or punch a hole through a wall. When a person acts out, it can act as a pressure release, and often helps the individual feel calmer and peaceful once again. For instance, a child’s temper tantrum is a form of acting out when he or she doesn’t get his or her way with a parent. Self-injury may also be a form of acting-out, expressing in physical pain what one cannot stand to feel emotionally.

4. Dissociation
Dissociation is when a person loses track of time and/or person, and instead finds another representation of their self in order to continue in the moment. A person who dissociates often loses track of time or themselves and their usual thought processes and memories. People who have a history of any kind of childhood abuse often suffer from some form of dissociation. In extreme cases, dissociation can lead to a person believing they have multiple selves (“multiple personality disorder”). People who use dissociation often have a disconnected view of themselves in their world. Time and their own self-image may not flow continuously, as it does for most people. In this manner, a person who dissociates can “disconnect” from the real world for a time, and live in a different world that is not cluttered with thoughts, feelings or memories that are unbearable.

5. Compartmentalization
Compartmentalization is a lesser form of dissociation, wherein parts of oneself are separated from awareness of other parts and behaving as if one had separate sets of values. An example might be an honest person who cheats on their income tax return and keeps their two value systems distinct and un-integrated while remaining unconscious of the cognitive dissonance.

6. Projection
Projection is the misattribution of a person’s undesired thoughts, feelings or impulses onto another person who does not have those thoughts, feelings or impulses. Projection is used especially when the thoughts are considered unacceptable for the person to express, or they feel completely ill at ease with having them. For example, a spouse may be angry at their significant other for not listening, when in fact it is the angry spouse who does not listen. Projection is often the result of a lack of insight and acknowledgement of one’s own motivations and feelings.

7. Reaction Formation
Reaction Formation is the converting of unwanted or dangerous thoughts, feelings or impulses into their opposites. For instance, a woman who is very angry with her boss and would like to quit her job may instead be overly kind and generous toward her boss and express a desire to keep working there forever. She is incapable of expressing the negative emotions of anger and unhappiness with her job, and instead becomes overly kind to publicly demonstrate her lack of anger and unhappiness.


Less Primitive, More Mature Defense Mechanisms
Less primitive defense mechanisms are a step up from the primitive defense mechanisms in the previous section. Many people employ these defenses as adults, and while they work okay for many, they are not ideal ways of dealing with our feelings, stress and anxiety. If you recognize yourself using a few of these, don’t feel bad – everybody does.

8. Repression
Repression is the unconscious blocking of unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses. The key to repression is that people do it unconsciously, so they often have very little control over it. “Repressed memories” are memories that have been unconsciously blocked from access or view. But because memory is very malleable and ever-changing, it is not like playing back a DVD of your life. The DVD has been filtered and even altered by your life experiences, even by what you’ve read or viewed.

9. Displacement
Displacement is the redirecting of thoughts feelings and impulses directed at one person or object, but taken out upon another person or object. People often use displacement when they cannot express their feelings in a safe manner to the person they are directed at. The classic example is the man who gets angry at his boss, but can’t express his anger to his boss for fear of being fired. He instead comes home and kicks the dog or starts an argument with his wife. The man is redirecting his anger from his boss to his dog or wife. Naturally, this is a pretty ineffective defense mechanism, because while the anger finds a route for expression, it’s misapplication to other harmless people or objects will cause additional problems for most people.

10. Intellectualization
Intellectualization is the overemphasis on thinking when confronted with an unacceptable impulse, situation or behavior without employing any emotions whatsoever to help mediate and place the thoughts into an emotional, human context. Rather than deal with the painful associated emotions, a person might employ intellectualization to distance themselves from the impulse, event or behavior. For instance, a person who has just been given a terminal medical diagnosis, instead of expressing their sadness and grief, focuses instead on the details of all possible fruitless medical procedures.

11. Rationalization
Rationalization is putting something into a different light or offering a different explanation for one’s perceptions or behaviors in the face of a changing reality. For instance, a woman who starts dating a man she really, really likes and thinks the world of is suddenly dumped by the man for no reason. She reframes the situation in her mind with, “I suspected he was a loser all along.”

12. Undoing
Undoing is the attempt to take back an unconscious behavior or thought that is unacceptable or hurtful. For instance, after realizing you just insulted your significant other unintentionally, you might spend then next hour praising their beauty, charm and intellect. By “undoing” the previous action, the person is attempting to counteract the damage done by the original comment, hoping the two will balance one another out.


Mature Defense Mechanisms
Mature defense mechanisms are often the most constructive and helpful to most adults, but may require practice and effort to put into daily use. While primitive defense mechanisms do little to try and resolve underlying issues or problems, mature defenses are more focused on helping a person be a more constructive component of their environment. People with more mature defenses tend to be more at peace with themselves and those around them.

13. Sublimation
Sublimation is simply the channeling of unacceptable impulses, thoughts and emotions into more acceptable ones. For instance, when a person has sexual impulses they would like not to act upon, they may instead focus on rigorous exercise. Refocusing such unacceptable or harmful impulses into productive use helps a person channel energy that otherwise would be lost or used in a manner that might cause the person more anxiety.

Sublimation can also be done with humor or fantasy. Humor, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable impulses or thoughts into a light-hearted story or joke. Humor reduces the intensity of a situation, and places a cushion of laughter between the person and the impulses. Fantasy, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable or unattainable desires into imagination. For example, imagining one’s ultimate career goals can be helpful when one experiences temporary setbacks in academic achievement. Both can help a person look at a situation in a different way, or focus on aspects of the situation not previously explored.

14. Compensation
Compensation is a process of psychologically counterbalancing perceived weaknesses by emphasizing strength in other arenas. By emphasizing and focusing on one’s strengths, a person is recognizing they cannot be strong at all things and in all areas in their lives. For instance, when a person says, “I may not know how to cook, but I can sure do the dishes!,” they’re trying to compensate for their lack of cooking skills by emphasizing their cleaning skills instead. When done appropriately and not in an attempt to over-compensate, compensation is defense mechanism that helps reinforce a person’s self-esteem and self-image.

15. Assertiveness
Assertiveness is the emphasis of a person’s needs or thoughts in a manner that is respectful, direct and firm. Communication styles exist on a continuum, ranging from passive to aggressive, with assertiveness falling neatly inbetween. People who are passive and communicate in a passive manner tend to be good listeners, but rarely speak up for themselves or their own needs in a relationship. People who are aggressive and communicate in an aggressive manner tend to be good leaders, but often at the expense of being able to listen empathetically to others and their ideas and needs. People who are assertive strike a balance where they speak up for themselves, express their opinions or needs in a respectful yet firm manner, and listen when they are being spoken to. Becoming more assertive is one of the most desired communication skills and helpful defense mechanisms most people want to learn, and would benefit in doing so.

* * *

Remember, defense mechanisms are most often learned behaviors, most of which we learned during childhood. That’s a good thing, because it means that, as an adult, you can choose to learn some new behaviors and new defense mechanisms that may be more beneficial to you in your life. Many psychotherapists will help you work on these things, if you’d like. But even becoming more aware of when you’re using one of the less primitive types of defense mechanisms above can be helpful in identifying behaviors you’d like to reduce.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,644 Posts
Yes it is. But where are the women? I think I frightened them away.
No, I am just having seizures from your new avatar. Go back to the thinking chimp! ;)

For me, displacement is high up there. In real life, I rarely speak up for myself. Literally never. It's easy to yell at a bunch of internet friends but if one of you ever stood in front of me and said something hurtful, I probably wouldn't say a word. I have tried my entire life to get over this hurdle and at the age of 39 have never made progress. Even worse, I get angry with my husband because he didn't "stand up for me" but why would he? I don't even do that for myself!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,668 Posts
No, I am just having seizures from your new avatar. Go back to the thinking chimp! ;)

For me, displacement is high up there. In real life, I rarely speak up for myself. Literally never. It's easy to yell at a bunch of internet friends but if one of you ever stood in front of me and said something hurtful, I probably wouldn't say a word. I have tried my entire life to get over this hurdle and at the age of 39 have never made progress. Even worse, I get angry with my husband because he didn't "stand up for me" but why would he? I don't even do that for myself!
This kinda amazes me about you. Do you think that your internet persona is helping your real life indentity to become more assertive?

I can only say that while 39 feels ... umm ... mature, there is a lot more of life to come and one can change something like this and be all that they can be.

Release the Kraken

I probably put up with too much [email protected] myself. I try to not let people distract me. Kinda like being Tom Brady in the pocket.
BUT there is a point where one has to just take the attitude that they are not going to take [email protected] from anyone. We choose our battles.

Now let me ask you one more thing. How are you when you see someone else is taking fire and you know that it is unfair? Do you intervene then?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,644 Posts
This kinda amazes me about you. Do you think that your internet persona is helping your real life indentity to become more assertive?

I can only say that while 39 feels ... umm ... mature, there is a lot more of life to come and one can change something like this and be all that they can be.

Release the Kraken

I probably put up with too much [email protected] myself. I try to not let people distract me. Kinda like being Tom Brady in the pocket.
BUT there is a point where one has to just take the attitude that they are not going to take [email protected] from anyone. We choose our battles.

Now let me ask you one more thing. How are you when you see someone else taking fire and you know that it is unfair? Do you intervene then?
It's a product of my childhood and being told I wasn't worth anything.
I guess I have two sides to me in real life. Hurt me and I just take it and deal with it. Hurt my husband, sons, friends, others that I care about or even random people being hurt and I take a scorched earth policy of dealing with those who did that. I will literally not back down if somebody I care about is being hurt or even some stranger who is being mistreated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,668 Posts
It's a product of my childhood and being told I wasn't worth anything.
I guess I have two sides to me in real life. Hurt me and I just take it and deal with it. Hurt my husband, sons, friends, others that I care about or even random people being hurt and I take a scorched earth policy of dealing with those who did that. I will literally not back down if somebody I care about is being hurt or even some stranger who is being mistreated.
We knew this answer before the question was asked. Of course you would defend others. It is at your center. You are fundamentally a very good person. It is your character.

So I am going to suggest something to you. I had a little bit of this earlier in my life as well. I remember running a team of folks in a challenging and intense environment. I never asked anyone to do anything I would not do. I genuinely cared about them. So I made sure they had vacation, they took time with their families, they got training, they got rest, they did not work too many hours, no one stepperd on them .... while I did not do that for myself.

Frankly my childhood sucked. I did not get the support I needed and it has been uphill ever since.

Not sure where this falls in the defense mechanisms but what I did that has worked for me is this:

I realized that I was fundamentally a good person. I had my center that cared about other folks. But I trained myself to realize, I worked for me too. I was also a member of my team. I needed all of the things that I did for the others too. I had a family and so on. So maybe this is kinda MPD but I convinced myself that my center needed to take care of the person that hosts it. It is about having respect for yourself and having value in yourself. You know how they say you cannot truly love someone unless you love yourself. That. You can't take care of others if you can't take care of yourself. So look at yourself objectively. Let your center take care of you. Let your center standup for you. Protect you. Fight the battles that you need fought. Its kinda zen. Standup for that kid that was told they were not worth anything. Clearly they are.

So you are member of your family too. Make sure you stand up for yourself. Love your self like a member of your family. Don't take [email protected] from anyone becasue they are disrespecting a member of your family. You.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,851 Posts
An excellent post, interested read. Thanks!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
13,775 Posts
Denial, heh, the missus has probably denied her issues to herself so long that she probably made herself believe she doesn't have issues.

Pity really. Tired of it...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
681 Posts
Thank you AFEH for allowing me to see how screwed up I really am. I can always blame my mom right? or go back to denial, and fantasy.

My H does that projection, and that pushes my acting out. I have gotten a whole lot better. I have learned to walk away to cool off.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,644 Posts
Denial, heh, the missus has probably denied her issues to herself so long that she probably made herself believe she doesn't have issues.

Pity really. Tired of it...
Alright, mate. I don't get you. One post you say you love your wife and realize how awesome she is, then you talk about cheating on her (yes, a while back), then her screwing you six ways from Sunday and that maybe she is a sex addict, then your alcohol addiction that you fixed and now this. You also say she is "just" a SAHM and minimize what she does.

I have no doubt she has issues. Wanting sex as often as she does sounds off to me and yeah, I am hd. Is it possible that she wants sex that often to ensure you will never cheat again? I don't know but sex addict is doubtful. In my limited knowledge of sex addiction, I read it is about the high of new experiences. Porn, new people, etc. Wanting sex with you often doesn't sound like an addiction. It sounds like hurt she never resolved from your cheating.
You also have issues. Big time. You cheated, you have/had an alcohol problem and you discount what your wife does as being a mother and caretaker of your home.

DENIAL
What's going on? :scratchhead:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,213 Posts
I really don't like psychobabble!! There is a excuse for everything has been my experience with the few counselors and psych therapists I've met.

Reminds me of a AA meeting.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
13,775 Posts
^^

The thought of cheating does cross my mind yes only during fights. Doesn't mean that I act on them. At least I ACKNOWLEDGE that I actually have those feelings hence I can fight them back easily, and I have a past experience that makes me realise why I should never do as such again.

She's a great wife, just the sexual side is simply insane. At first yes I thought it was insecurity that was bothering her so I went as lovey dovey as possible this year to show how much I adore and love her and how amazing she is. Considering the fact that it didn't work, that's why it could very well be a sex addiction. She is very principled and proud however, which can explain why she hasn't yet outsourced despite my urgings for her to do so (she's stubborn too)

I cheated years ago before marriage, at least I can admit that. I had an alcohol problem, I never denied that. And I don't annoy the missus about being a SAHM - I'm only concerned that she doesn't have anything else to do on her free time than f--k my brains out.

As for my issues, tell me when I have ever denied them?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,190 Posts
My dad & step Mom POUNDED "Personal Responsibilty" in me my whole teen years, they made things rather ROUGH on me back then, but looking back, I think this served me well. Even though I did NOT get along with her at the time, We are decently close now. Much respect there.

I also pound this into my kids more than anything else, never to blame others for their screw-ups, to always have 5 fingers pointing back at themselves. This will only help them in life & relatinoships.


I am going to try to dissect these -for myself...

#1. Denial . I am too much of a realist, my secondary tempermant (melancholy) gives me a certain pessimism that can not be overridden that I have to face the facts head on, I can not bury my head in the sand on anything. It does cause excess worry being so much of a realist though. Only downside.

#3 Acting out - I threw temper tantrums as a kid (who doesn't), I even swore when I was a toddler building blocks & they would fall down, I guess I learned young how to express my vocal irratation. My acting out has NEVER been Physical or internal, only verbal -usually finding a friend to listen to my rant . Or just writing a letter to the person I am having a problem with. It may not always get sent! (What a blessing that would be as when I am HOT, I can slice you into peices verbally-but once I do that-like using a physical punching bag, I re-evalute the situation and can see my own flaws. Writing has ALWAYS helped me carefully dissect my own feelings- always a form of "release" for me, so I could let go of whatever is troubling me, or know where to go with it anyway.


#5. Compartmentalization - I've done this -if I am understanding it right - trying to play the good girl but yet still having dirty thoughts, and I have worked places getting cash & not paid taxes on them. But in both of these I whined outrighty the rules are too strict & I didn't want to follow them anyway, so I probably wasn't hidnig, just a divided soul, probably just made myself look bad. Always honest before people , whether they liked me or not.

#8. Repression - didn't know that was all unconscious.

#9. Displacement- I took some of my disgruntled childhood issues with my family where I had no control -out on my then boyfriend/ now husband when we met in my teens. He seemed to be smart enough to NOT take it too personal, he was a real trooper. He wanted to take me away from it all.

#11. Rationalization- I purposely try NOT to do this, when I am hurt by a person, I want to be as realistic as I can about WHY THEY hurt me or don't like me. I refuse to say anything bad about them -just to make myself feel better. OH it is tempting & I might to blow off steam in the moment or for a day, but in the real context of oweing up to the cold hard facts - I don't rationalize to make myself feel better or look better- by putting another down.

#12. UNDOING - I have found myself in this stuation before. Once I was foolish enough at my Agnostic Uncles Funeral to ask if he was "saved" to some of his NON christian friends & I immediaely could tell by the looks on their faces, I put my foot in my mouth badly -and I deserved those looks - And spent the next X amount of minutes trying to UNDO my careless thoughtless ignorant comment on why my UNcle was more loving & generous than anybody I knew & he would be greatly missed, and who am I to judge. THis was the beginning of me slowly loosing my religion.

********** Mature Defense Mechanisms...

#13. Sublimation- I think this could be used as an example.... when I thought I had a sex addiction & was tempted to look up porn online or hit a sex chat room just for excitement (I knew these were not healthy for my marraige!) I channeled that by using constructive forums like TAM to talk about sex , even helping others along the way while I tried to get a handle on my lust demons. I only cared about one exericise at that time & it wasn't aerobics.

If I am understanding this right , I feel I use humor alot to deal with things brought against me (like a fitness test for men), very very healthy, we should ALWAYS be able to laugh at ourselves -even if others are a stick in the mudd or want to take us down.


#14. Compensation -- I could easily spell out all of my weakneses, as well as all of my strenghts, I do not feel I am a bad person for my weaknesses, just makes me human, and fallable at times, and always something to work on. We all have challenges in life. Who wants to be perfect anyway, then noone can relate to you! I don't think I overcompensate in this area. I am comfortable in my own skin.

#15. Assertiveness - I believe I have a nice balance on this one, though I am "capable" of running people over like a Mach truck when I am angry (but rarely do), I have learned to be a GOOD listener and enjoy it very very much -so long as they are not an obsessive talker. I put myeslf in others peoples shoes, and I have no problem articulating my needs , one of my finest gifts , my husband knows this all too well. :)
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top