[dmz]

Hi all... so my finacee and I have been making really great changes in the way we handle our communication and I very happy with it. We have talked the last two days and I have let out alot of thoughts that i feel are true but was always scared to talk about. I mentioned how i felt that she acts like she does truly want to move forward with me most of time but equally and more so than often acts like she still wants to be single.... I did let her know during our talk that would tolerate that from her or anyone else. I didn't get down on one knee to be solo...

so my tnd houghts today and the last few days are this:

Is her fear of commitment and intimacy too much right now?
Can I trust someone who acts this way fully?
How do she expect for me to give in to her fully if she is always holding back ( in the affection and communication dept)

She tells me that she is in love with me and then she said that her biggest fear with me was this: if she decides to go out with her friends that I will have a fit about it....I let her know that being that way was the the person I used to be and I have enough trust to know that she would not cross any lines while out with her girlfriends. I truly have been meditating and doing a lot of reading that is helping me to be a better man and she notices it , so my question on this one is : if this is her biggest fear about me, and I have assured her that this will not be an issue, do you think that she is taking this as a "green light" to do whatever she wants while out without me? or am I being overtrusting in thinking that she will not try to act "single" ?

I just want to get insight from anyone who has experienced anything similiar to this.....I want to be sure before i take the steps to get married.....her train of thought is what worries me the most...its unstable......

peace

 

[KathyBatesel]

I think you are seeing some red flags that are warning you that you're not ready to step into marriage together yet.

Both of you have some very valid reasons to hesitate.

Since marriage is forever, there isn't a rush to tie the knot. Take time to make sure you can handle her independence without being controlling, and for her to feel confident that this will not be an issue. If you discover that you can't reach a meeting of the minds on this topic, you may want to reconsider getting married at all.

 

[Toffer]

I mentioned how i felt that she acts like she does truly want to move forward with me most of time but equally and more so than often acts like she still wants to be single

What is she doing that makes you think she still wants the single lifestyle?....

I hope this wedding isn't too soon. The two of you have some issues that need to be resolved

 

[dmz]

thanks for this ..... she is always quick to make plans to go out alone versus with me, not to mention me and the baby. and to compound things she still has an account open to a hook up site that she know I am aware of and I have asked her to close... I am all for time apart but when she says that her biggest fear about me is her going out and me having an issue....that is scary... simply put that is where is her mindset is...worried about going out? not worried about us or how I feel about her attitude in handlng our realtionship... I think everything is more pronuonced for me since she is not very affectionate and I have looked passed this because I know she has so much potential....we were supposed to get married this month....that is not happening as I lost my job....God works not in mysterious ways...but always in due time I feel....if she wants to be free.....I am willing to let her go.....

 

[This is me]

"she still has an account open to a hook up site that she know I am aware of and I have asked her to close... "

This is a deal breaker when it comes to being married or engaged to being married in my book.

I would postpone and consider yourself still available if she is.

 

[turnera]

her biggest fear about me is her going out and me having an issue

Yeah. She pretty much is saying she expects you to protect her, provide for her, and give her what she wants and, then, when she feels like being single, you're supposed to accept it.

IIWY, I would tell her you're not happy and don't see a future, and you'll start making other plans. She doesn't respect you.

Do a 180. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life to learn about how you SHOULD be living your life. And if she doesn't line up with that life, it's telling you that you will never be happy (and she'll most likely cheat down the road).

 

[turnera]

That said, if you have an anger issue and the only reason she's holding back is she doesn't trust you to be safe, it behooves you to eradicate that. (but I doubt that's the issue; she sounds spoiled to me)

 

[Hicks]

Ok, do you "have a fit" when she goes out?
Literally what do you do.

Distorting what you do is a tactic to make you fear confrontation.

This is not a communication issue. This is an issue of who she is versus who you are... My only question is why would you have a baby with a person you did not know who she really was?

 

[dmz]

Hi and thanks Hicks.... I have never had a problem with her going out...the only thing I can see her feeling this way is because she is quicker to makes plans with everyone else and I have voiced this several times.... and our baby is adopted so I do all I can for him....I can honestly say that I have been cool with a lot of her ways and all i ask is the basics..where are you going and who is going with you....thats it....I don't think that is too much to ask when I am staying home with the baby.....

 

[dmz]

That said, if you have an anger issue and the only reason she's holding back is she doesn't trust you to be safe, it behooves you to eradicate that. (but I doubt that's the issue; she sounds spoiled to me)

Hi Turnera. and thank you... I don't have anger issues at all...that is not me....I truly don't know why she wouldn't trust me to be safe....Im not loud nor violent,,,,, Im laid back....i will admit that I have spoiled her since we met, but she knew from the start that there were things I didn't tolerate and one of them is not being in the know..... I don't like to have to guess all the time as to what is going on.....

 

[dmz]

My feelings, to be taken with a pinch of salt...

Your fiancee's reaction was mine some years ago. Before I was married I used to tell my ex that I was afraid he'd get angry if I went out with girlfriends. The thing is, this was my way of semi-telepathically broadcasting that I knew things might get dangerous because I had no sense of boundaries yet. When you aren't married, there is no finality, no real skin in the game, no legal ties binding you. It's all just overflowing, emotional attachment and there will always be this lingering desire to see what else is out there (depends on the person whether or not they follow through, of course).

If your woman fears these things and even more importantly, is sharing the fear, you need to really listen. It behooves you to stamp out that fear by helping to set the boundaries early. It should not be a case of wedding ceremony, then 1 day later... dingdingding, "you can no longer go out with friends and you need to erect some boundaries."

Truly appreciate this... I could see if we just have been together a few weeks and I am setting boundaries, but here is the thing.....She talks a a great talk when it comes to telling me she is in love and wants to marry and I really believe in her words....its her actions and lack of display of affection that contradict and confuse me to no end..... I let her know that there are some things married / engaged to married couples have respect on for the sake of the relationship.... I truly feel that she has never encountered a man who truly respects the relationship and wants the same in return....its obvious as I have heard through some of her family and friends the type of realtionships she has had before me......Everyone says that they never thought she would find someone as mature as me....The boundaries are there for both of us and she just has make her mind up on taking me seriously.....

 

[turnera]

Hi Turnera. and thank you... I don't have anger issues at all...that is not me....I truly don't know why she wouldn't trust me to be safe....Im not loud nor violent,,,,, Im laid back....i will admit that I have spoiled her since we met, but she knew from the start that there were things I didn't tolerate and one of them is not being in the know..... I don't like to have to guess all the time as to what is going on.....

So...you guys adopted a baby yet she is going out with the girls on a regular basis. You're laid back and let her go out cos you're laid back and cos you spoil her, when you don't really want her to go.

Is she a SAHM? How often does she go out? Do you ever go with them?

 

[dmz]

I have no issue with her going out...honestly I allow her to be who she is but it seems that she is taking advantage of kindness. the only time we truly go out togerther is if we are going to one of her family memebers house or grocery shopping.... I always have to initiate a date night for just us..... I have never been out with her and her friends ....she would feel like I am just there to watch how she acts...... she doesn't realize that I like to go out and enjoy my time with her.... you can't get to know someone if you don't spend quality time right? I don't consdier watching tv while she is either yapping on the phone, texting and gossipping on facebook.... I have expressed this to her already and at this point I am stiing back and observing.....I have decided not to move forward with marriage until she realizes that she needs to step up and be my fiancee not my roomate.....

 

[turnera]

dmz, you are a Nice Guy and you picked a strong woman because that is what you are lacking in yourself (we pick partners based on what we feel we don't have personally). Unfortunately, that means you get left in the dust while she Uses you and takes what she wants.

Until you educate yourself (NMMNG, MMSL) and start making changes in your life - for YOU.

Once you do that, you'll find her pursuing you instead of the other way around.

 

[dmz]

Thank you so much.... being with her for this short time ...I have made changes in myself being more assertive and aggressive...but I know that I more work to do......I have been scrpting my observations of her to discuss them because she wants to have a marriage with me and a single life.....and that is something I will never be ok with..... Im ordering those books this week.... peace