[ace21]

Need some input and help.
To give you guys some background
Been with fiance for almost 3 years now, living together for about 2 years. We're both divorced, both of us 49 years old, she has 2 boys age 8 and 10, who live with her ( I guess live with us as I live at her place now) my childeren are 14 and 21.

We both work similar professions and have similar education and income, although Im much more financialy secure.

I thought everything was great and that after my divorce I had lucked out and found someone really great.
First 6 months of dating I would see her maybe 1 or 2 times a week and I made it clear that we were just casually dating and I was not interested in long term relationship which was what she said she wanted. ( i had just gone through divorce) As time passed I developed strong feeling for her and about 6 -7 months realised I loved her and the relationship became serious.

Sex at the start was great, maybe best ever for me. Quality and intensity and frequency were not an issue. It was really really great.

Since I committed to a serious relationship I sensed a slow decline in interest sexually, at first barely noticicble not a big deal, but it has continued to decline and over the past year its become an issue. Now maybe 2-3 times a month and Im out of town 1 week a month, and the quality is lame.
Its really upsetting me and has made me extremely angry at times.

Have talked to her, argued, yelled, reasoned etc with limited success.
I do love this women but Im starting to wonder if she`s good for me. We enjoy each others company but as far as the sex goes its like she`s a different person.

Its making me miserable, Im unhappy and sick of the situation. Thinking about walking but I do love her.


Am I just being a jerk and unreasonable, some input and insight would be appreciated.

 

[dixieangel]

Don't beat yourself up about being upset. A good sex life is a terrible thing to lose. When dating and not seeing each other every day, of course sex is going to be better. The stresses of everyday life can take a toll and we can take each other for granted. Mixing children and households is very stressful too...and stress levels are hard a woman's libido. The only thing you can do is be honest with her that it is so important to you that you will/have considered leaving because of it. Have you considered or discussed marriage counseling?

 

[MEM2020]

Read married man sex life by Athol Kay. It is very good.

In the meantime do not proceed with getting married until you fix this.

Need some input and help.
To give you guys some background
Been with fiance for almost 3 years now, living together for about 2 years. We're both divorced, both of us 49 years old, she has 2 boys age 8 and 10, who live with her ( I guess live with us as I live at her place now) my childeren are 14 and 21.

We both work similar professions and have similar education and income, although Im much more financialy secure.

I thought everything was great and that after my divorce I had lucked out and found someone really great.
First 6 months of dating I would see her maybe 1 or 2 times a week and I made it clear that we were just casually dating and I was not interested in long term relationship which was what she said she wanted. ( i had just gone through divorce) As time passed I developed strong feeling for her and about 6 -7 months realised I loved her and the relationship became serious.

Sex at the start was great, maybe best ever for me. Quality and intensity and frequency were not an issue. It was really really great.

Since I committed to a serious relationship I sensed a slow decline in interest sexually, at first barely noticicble not a big deal, but it has continued to decline and over the past year its become an issue. Now maybe 2-3 times a month and Im out of town 1 week a month, and the quality is lame.
Its really upsetting me and has made me extremely angry at times.

Have talked to her, argued, yelled, reasoned etc with limited success.
I do love this women but Im starting to wonder if she`s good for me. We enjoy each others company but as far as the sex goes its like she`s a different person.

Its making me miserable, Im unhappy and sick of the situation. Thinking about walking but I do love her.


Am I just being a jerk and unreasonable, some input and insight would be appreciated.

 

[waiwera]

This is one of the reasons we have an engagement. Your still getting to know each other and working out if your meant to spend the rest of your life together.

Your perfectly entitled to decide that this isn't the woman for you.

If you really love her... then try to work it out. Talk, see a counselor, read books and websites like the one suggested above but if it doesn't improve I wouldn't marry her unless you want to be back here complaining about your sexless (less than monthly/12 times a year if I recall correctly) marriage in a few years. This situation seems to rarely improve once it's become an established pattern... in fact it seems to get worse.

Personally sex 2-3 times a month would leave me feeling very neglected and frustrated and dammit I'd want passion as well!! It's very difficult to stay connected and loving towards a spouse who withholds sex.

 

[ace21]

Dixieangel, not really sure stress is an issue. We haven`t mixed households. My children live at their mothers house not at my partners house so actually with me moving in her place a year ago Im there to help with her kids, shopping etc. so the stress of being a single mother has improved alot for her. My stress levels may have increased with the added responsibility.
We have gone to see a therapist, several times, who seems pretty good and she absolutely agreed sex is important and told her point blank she needs to stop excuses and have sex.
However there is still always seems to be some excuse, and it ws still lame, its like she can`t relax and like its a chore now, I dont get it.

MEM have heard about Athol Kay`s book and will get it.
Good advice about not getting married till this issue is addressed and fixed. I absolutely agree.

 

[ace21]

WAIWERA, I certainly don't want get married then be here complaining about sexless marriage.
Didn't realise before being in this situation how much lack of intimacy poisons a relationship.
Im my prior marriage sex was not an issue, so I had no idea how much a lack of it has the potential to destroy all that is good between 2 people who love each other.
Read somewhere that sex is only 10% of a marriage when it is good and 90% when its bad. Thats a pretty accurate statement.

Well I am trying with the therapist, and trying to keep my cool, and over past few weeks went out on Friday night without her, and didnt come back till sat afternoon. Trying to get her to wake up and realise Im getting bored and frustrated.

I have been getting pretty pissed lately and have raised my voice and argued with her and said somethings that have been hurtful and insulting to her. I am ashamed of that but its so frustrating and
I feel so rejected and betrayed that I lash out to make her feel the same....but this is likley making things worse. ( he who looks hungry won't get fed...or laid for that matter )

We had sex last thursday after therapist suggested it and to her credit she did initiate, with oral, I think she wanted to just give me oral and get it over with quickly but I told her I wanted her and so we did do it but it was mediocre...nothing like it was a year earlier, but still it was good start. I told her on friday I would like to do it again, as her sons Bday party was on sat nite and she agreed.
However she didn't want to do much foreplay and for me to get her stimulated and in the mood, she just wanted me to start, it felt almost rushed she did orgasm but before i finished she said it was hurting too much so I used some astraglide but she said she it felt funny so I just stopped ...its not a turn on when the other is not into it..it was just a disaster and I was quite pissed but just walked out of the room and didnt say anything to her and then went to sleep.
Next nite was her sons birthday party so she needed help driving a bunch of children to Chuckie cheese type place and for me to help chaperone party. I had to work so I went in extra early got work done made it back did all that was needed to be done...all in all pretty boring way for me to spend sat nite, only did it cause I love this women and its her child.
After all the festivities were done, and kids sleeping I initiated and she was too tired...thats when I got pissed and spoke pretty harshly and mean to her ( i was still pretty hurt about nite before and now after going in to work super early and giving up my time and paying for part for her childs party, I felt somwhat used)

Again Im getting from reading some of the posts that getting angry and yelling is not going to help my cause, no matter how many chores I have done, or how nice I've been.
Again sunday nite nothing and again I let her know I wasn't happy.

The whole thing just sucks...this is no way to friggin live.
Trying to strategise and play damn head games to make love to one's partner, is just makes no sense .

Well I left Monday to go out of town to work for the next 7 days.
we had a nice monday morning before I left ...just coffee and chatted but before I left I told her she had just blown and wasted the weekend and was damaging the relationship. I truly feel the whole frigging weekend was a waste, we're seeing a therapist, and are on the ropes here and she's going to put very little effort into fixing it.
Later in the day sent her a nasty text message, and neither of us has called past 2 days.

Dont know what to do now...should I apoligise for being a jerk and mean ?? My heart wants to do that, cause she was looking so sad and teary when I left, my brain on the other hand is telling me: no way, she knew exactly how I would react to being avoided and ignored, and I may not call her till i return next week.

Am I handling this all wrong and flying off the handle and being "insensitive " Is there a "right" way to deal with this ?
I do care for this woman , and want her in my life but I don't want to be miserable and angry all the time.
Don't really know how to proceed.....i did read that fellow T2's Plan, interesting thread but I can't do a 3 year plan.

 

[Pault]

Going to make this simple here. Is there a chance that as your new partner is 49 that she may, just may be starting the menopause? It is NOT unusual for a woman commencing then hormonal change ot start to naturally cease to want sex more often. Yelling and shouting - not good. Its not a good time for a woman who cannot at first see that decline in sexual demand as its a chemical change. Its also something that we guys really dont know or cannot imagine whats the hell its all about.

Talk about menopause is a really delecate issue - some ladies consider this a de-feminising of themselves are really unable to cope. Consider ths, what would have happened is youd seen an illness in your partner and the sexual side had dropped to where it is now. Would you have made this post? We are all different and in there lies the fact that you want sex a couple of time a week and your partner (by your stats) is happy with once. The quality could be down to the lower sex drive caused by her feeling it need to happen but not dragged out as if your both 20 years old.

Keep this in mind when you talk. She may not connect her drop in drive with hormonal change. Its just a thought but one that many will not put together with the age issue

 

[ace21]

PAULT, She has had hysterectomy done a year before we met, she felt that her decreased libido may be due to hormones so she has tried bio-identical therapy ( didn't help so far) will keep expoloring for a medical fix.

I agree yelling is bad, and will try to control my emotions.

 

[MEM2020]

Ace,
Do you recognize either of you in the thread below?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

WAIWERA, I certainly don't want get married then be here complaining about sexless marriage.
Didn't realise before being in this situation how much lack of intimacy poisons a relationship.
Im my prior marriage sex was not an issue, so I had no idea how much a lack of it has the potential to destroy all that is good between 2 people who love each other.
Read somewhere that sex is only 10% of a marriage when it is good and 90% when its bad. Thats a pretty accurate statement.

Well I am trying with the therapist, and trying to keep my cool, and over past few weeks went out on Friday night without her, and didnt come back till sat afternoon. Trying to get her to wake up and realise Im getting bored and frustrated.

I have been getting pretty pissed lately and have raised my voice and argued with her and said somethings that have been hurtful and insulting to her. I am ashamed of that but its so frustrating and
I feel so rejected and betrayed that I lash out to make her feel the same....but this is likley making things worse. ( he who looks hungry won't get fed...or laid for that matter )

We had sex last thursday after therapist suggested it and to her credit she did initiate, with oral, I think she wanted to just give me oral and get it over with quickly but I told her I wanted her and so we did do it but it was mediocre...nothing like it was a year earlier, but still it was good start. I told her on friday I would like to do it again, as her sons Bday party was on sat nite and she agreed.
However she didn't want to do much foreplay and for me to get her stimulated and in the mood, she just wanted me to start, it felt almost rushed she did orgasm but before i finished she said it was hurting too much so I used some astraglide but she said she it felt funny so I just stopped ...its not a turn on when the other is not into it..it was just a disaster and I was quite pissed but just walked out of the room and didnt say anything to her and then went to sleep.
Next nite was her sons birthday party so she needed help driving a bunch of children to Chuckie cheese type place and for me to help chaperone party. I had to work so I went in extra early got work done made it back did all that was needed to be done...all in all pretty boring way for me to spend sat nite, only did it cause I love this women and its her child.
After all the festivities were done, and kids sleeping I initiated and she was too tired...thats when I got pissed and spoke pretty harshly and mean to her ( i was still pretty hurt about nite before and now after going in to work super early and giving up my time and paying for part for her childs party, I felt somwhat used)

Again Im getting from reading some of the posts that getting angry and yelling is not going to help my cause, no matter how many chores I have done, or how nice I've been.
Again sunday nite nothing and again I let her know I wasn't happy.

The whole thing just sucks...this is no way to friggin live.
Trying to strategise and play damn head games to make love to one's partner, is just makes no sense .

Well I left Monday to go out of town to work for the next 7 days.
we had a nice monday morning before I left ...just coffee and chatted but before I left I told her she had just blown and wasted the weekend and was damaging the relationship. I truly feel the whole frigging weekend was a waste, we're seeing a therapist, and are on the ropes here and she's going to put very little effort into fixing it.
Later in the day sent her a nasty text message, and neither of us has called past 2 days.

Dont know what to do now...should I apoligise for being a jerk and mean ?? My heart wants to do that, cause she was looking so sad and teary when I left, my brain on the other hand is telling me: no way, she knew exactly how I would react to being avoided and ignored, and I may not call her till i return next week.

Am I handling this all wrong and flying off the handle and being "insensitive " Is there a "right" way to deal with this ?
I do care for this woman , and want her in my life but I don't want to be miserable and angry all the time.
Don't really know how to proceed.....i did read that fellow T2's Plan, interesting thread but I can't do a 3 year plan.

 

[kingsfan]

I agree that age, and a hysterreectomy can play a part in the decline of a sex drive.

My question is, really, who cares?

The issue at hand is that the sex isn't forthcoming nearly as often as you are needing it. Not wanting it, NEEDING it. The reason behind it really only matters if your SO is wanting to improve things. Based on the excuses you've listed, I doubt she really wants to.

I'm curious how her sex life was in her marriage as well.

One thing did catch my attention, and that was where you said she refers to sex now as a 'chore.' That's a huge red flag in my books. If something that should be fun in a relationship and be the glue that binds you together is now a chore to her, that's not good, and it can be very hard to bring someone back from the rut of duty sex. If you are staying in the relationship, I'd explore this issue and why it is now a chore when it was not that long ago a real source of passion and affection.

Btw, regarding the hysterrectomy, I'll give you my perspective on it. My SO had a hysterectomy. Now her's was several years ago, so that may play into it, but frequency with her now is about 2x a week. Not GREAT, but not bad either. I've complained on here about my sex life a bit for sure, but it's mostly focused on the fact it's more vanilla than I'd like, rather than the frequency (though I've *****ed about that too on occassion, lol).

I'm saying that because I don't view a hysterectomy as a death sentence to a sex life. My SO for a few years dropped our frequency down to once every 2-3 weeks at one point, but when it came time to really look at our relationship and decide if we're staying together or not, I told her that that sort of frequency wouldn't convince me to stay. She agreed and worked on it for us. She wanted to make sex a more important issue, and it has been (though still a work in progress).

I think that where there is a will, there is a way. Your SO seems to have lost her will it seems.

 

[wiigirl]

Don't beat yourself up about being upset. A good sex life is a terrible thing to lose. When dating and not seeing each other every day, of course sex is going to be better. The stresses of everyday life can take a toll and we can take each other for granted. Mixing children and households is very stressful too...and stress levels are hard a woman's libido. The only thing you can do is be honest with her that it is so important to you that you will/have considered leaving because of it. Have you considered or discussed marriage counseling?

:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[WorkingOnMe]

Life is too short and frankly you're not getting any younger. Why invest more time to what, talk her into being a good partner? So she can fake it until she gets a ring? Gtfo.

 

[MaritimeGuy]

My suspicion is as long as you were casually dating and she felt you could come or go at will she was willing to work to get your attention. Now that she "has" you the motivation to work for your attention has waned.

 

[homebuilder]

You should run away fast. i am in marriage we with a ld women and it will never get better. i would never be in another long term relationship like that no matter how much i loved her. you have to love yourself more
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Zanna]

She's 49? Menopause? Could explain the low desire. Edit - Missed the part about hysterectomy. That will do it too.

You love her. You don't just walk until you sit down with her without yelling or arguing to determine if this is LD or a hormonal issue, or something else. Compassion and understanding for her point of view might go a long way.

All R's have issues or areas of incompatibility. Determine if it's truly unfixable before leaving.

 

[ace21]

MEM, read the thread re the thermostat. Quite interesting and I guess I would be the warm partner in a bunch of the ways.

Its so strange, when I was aloof and came and went as I pleased and didn't help at her house or with her kids etc, sex was not an issue, it was great ! When I stepped up and became her partner like she said she wanted then all the crap started.


So when a man does the "right thing" then he gets disrespected from his partner ???? When men change ( maybe for the better )and try to become what our partners want then we get treated like dirt and if I continued to ignore her children and kept her around for my entertainment went out with out her all the time etc then I get treatd well and she's ready to have wild and crazy sex ????

Its just hard to understand, and makes me want to just behave like an ass.....

I guess we'll see, Im out of town till next monday, after being nasty and letting her know I was quite pissed to her on Monday I have not called or made much contact since Monday morning
.
Neither has she.... guess I shouldnt call ???? we will see who caves first.

Is it really that important as to who calls who first if we love each other, why wouldn't I just pick up the phone and see how she's doing ??

I was married for 22 years so these silly games seem like a waste of time/energy either be with someone or tell them to get lost

 

[kingsfan]

Not all women are like that, but yeah, some are. It's rather confusing.

I guess you figured out what makes her tick (maybe). I'd consider moving out and letting her know that and why. It's adealbreaker for you, you seem pretty clear on that, so tell her as much. She'll either change or she won't, but you'll be very clear on what you want and why.

Just be ready to follow through on what it is you said you'll do.

 

[MEM2020]

ACE,
Kudos for a candid, and unfiltered response. I want to make a few clarifying points that are really important.

First, I do not ever advocate being an a$$. It sets a bad example for the children and it is just wrong. Everything I suggest is within the context of the golden rule. I don't suggest doing anything to someone else, that you would not want done to you.

The biggest issue that you currently have is that your fiancee is taking you for granted. I am going to take what you have posted in this thread and do a bit of extrapolation based on a very typical dynamic. Feel free to let me know where I am "off base" since surely some of my generalizations will not apply to your situation.

I grew up with a set of genderizations which I expected to be true in my own marriage:
- Men don't apologize enough, women apologize for stuff that they should not
- Men won't ask for directions (subtext is that this is showing weakness) women (being practical, and not so worried about their ego/self image/others perception of them) will do so without hesitation
- Men take more risks in everything, including investments
- Men are "lower affect", more emotionally reserved and less willing to discuss their feelings
- Men are more "wired for conflict", women are more the peace makers
- Women want a kind/gentle man who buys scented candles and makes love to them in a soft and slow manner
- ...(I have a longer list - for the moment I will stop here)

Every single one of those templates is backwards in our marriage. And that is ok, as we have "adapted" very well to each other. Had I not adapted, we would be celibate or divorced.

At 30,000 feet all relationships are predicated on three things:
- respect
- communication
- trust

And here is how this typically ties together
1. respect
(Man) My W is being disrespectful by ignoring my emotional need to feel loved through sex. This makes me angry.
(Wife) My H says nasty/hurtful things to me when he is angry. It is a big turn off to see him lose control of his emotions, as that is something I expect from a child, not a man. He is angry I don't feel "desire" for him. It isn't just about whether or not we "have" sex, he NEEDS me to feel sexual way more than I do. And when I don't feel that way, he gets angry. I don't directly control my desire level. He doesn't respect how I feel.
(Man) I don't ask that much from her, it makes me angry that she is happy to ask a LOT from me, and then ignore my short list of priorities. It shows a lack of respect and appreciation for what I do for her, and indirectly her kids.
2. communication
(Man) I have no idea why she is doing what she does half the time
(Wife) He doesn't pay much attention to my tone, body language, and facial expressions. Certain things are awkward, and I don't want to have to "say them in words". I liked hearing him say "I love you" when we were dating. I felt less anxious about life in general knowing he cared about me. But as things heated up and we moved in together it sounds less and less like "I love you" and more and more like "do you love me?" He isn't a "clingy" man, but somehow I feel a bit smothered and THAT is a huge turn off.
(Man) Everyone told me women like a sensitive man.
(Wife) Laughing - "Sensitive, yeah, ok. I'm the woman, I'm the one who gets to be easily upset. I want him to be sensitive to ME. Not sensitive as in he gets easily upset or is frequently expressing anxiety, anger, frustration or resentment. I HATE having long conversations about how HE feels unhappy about stuff. I know when I am being a bltch. Why doesn't he just slap me on the butt, look me in the eye and tell me to go in the bedroom and get undressed because he is going to come in and "take me".
(Man) When I explain in detail how I feel she seems to be even more irritated. Why is she doing this.
(Wife) After this long conversation about how I was disrespectful or bltchy, he goes and does a bunch of housework/flowers/dinner/nice stuff. First I have to endure this long, tense conversation about how he is upset with me. And then, he does all this "extra nice stuff" so I will have sex with him. I know I was a bltch. It doesnt chance the fact that:
- A highly emotional (his) conversation followed by
- A sort of subservient type super nice routine
Is a big turn off.

And getting this constant desire vibe, and all the I love you stuff when you are turned off, just makes it all worse. I want it to work, because he really is a good guy, but I am not getting into bed with him simply because I know he is feeling ignored. The thing is he yelled at me for not having sex the night before, I am not ok with rewarding that kind of interaction. Instead of trying to "buy" my cooperation or desire with flowers or a dinner, why doesn't he just show ME his raw desire. THAT is honest communication. And when I am being bltchy, an immediate and aggressive sexual response is a good response. And if I reject him, maybe he should ignore me until I apologize and drag him to bed for makeup sex. I need to know he can withstand my disapproval and/or my anger.

Trust
(Wife) I don't trust him to manage his emotions. I don't trust him not to crowd me with ILYs even when it should be obvious he is smothering me. I don't trust him not to get angry at me for not "loving him enough, showing him enough love". And if he really trusted that I love him, why can't he give me enough space to actually approach HIM? In a way, I don't think he trusts how I feel about him. Or he lacks the confidence to know that I will approach him if he gives me space. Either way.
(Man) I don't feel very trusting. The more commitment I have shown, the more loving I have become, the colder she has gotten. Who the heck acts like that? If I have to play "games", I don't want to be together.

Disclaimer: The stuff above is not a right or wrong thing. It just "is".

Ace,
If this is close to the mark, you need to do a reset. And the reset kind of goes like this. If you call her, you should keep it short.
(you) I apologize for the way I spoke to you before I left. I now realize that I have been handling our conflict badly. Going forward I will manage my anger like a grown up. Doesn't mean I won't get angry. If I do, I will let you know in a calm, constructive manner.

If you get a cool response, just accept it. Do not say the words I love you on this call. Not even at the end. Just say "have a good night". Don't even say "I will see you Friday".

When you get home - you should be friendly and happy without being warm. LET HER COME TO YOU. Or not. Let her decide if she wants the engagement to continue. If she isn't friendly do not reward the lack of warmth. If you had plans to take her out, tell her that you are going to have to reschedule. Don't apologize, and don't explain. Just say "I am going to have to take a rain check on that". Let her get angry. If you can't tolerate her anger, this situation will only get worse.

>>>>>>>>>>>>
If the opportunity comes up while you are home, you could share this with her:
As for the physical part of our relationship, I like that you don't "pretend" to feel differently than you actually do feel. I like the honesty. That said, I am going to make an observation. After a long work week, there are times when I don't feel like going out even though we have plans. The reason I get dressed up and drive somewhere with you, is because you are a high priority to me. And in the spirit of starting the night off on a positive note, I keep my lack of enthusiasm to myself. The good part of this dynamic is that once we get there, I almost always have fun. That isn't going to change.

What I need you to do, to show me the same level of commitment physically. You may need to show me how to get you warmed up, when you start out not feeling that way. And that also means I need you to be more comfortable sharing turn on/turn off stuff since that will only strengthen our bond.

And then shut up and listen. Make eye contact and use a very low key delivery. If you don't like what you hear, stop all the loving stuff until she approaches you and commits to fixing the physical part of the R.

MEM, read the thread re the thermostat. Quite interesting and I guess I would be the warm partner in a bunch of the ways.

Its so strange, when I was aloof and came and went as I pleased and didn't help at her house or with her kids etc, sex was not an issue, it was great ! When I stepped up and became her partner like she said she wanted then all the crap started.


So when a man does the "right thing" then he gets disrespected from his partner ???? When men change ( maybe for the better )and try to become what our partners want then we get treated like dirt and if I continued to ignore her children and kept her around for my entertainment went out with out her all the time etc then I get treatd well and she's ready to have wild and crazy sex ????

Its just hard to understand, and makes me want to just behave like an ass.....

I guess we'll see, Im out of town till next monday, after being nasty and letting her know I was quite pissed to her on Monday I have not called or made much contact since Monday morning
.
Neither has she.... guess I shouldnt call ???? we will see who caves first.

Is it really that important as to who calls who first if we love each other, why wouldn't I just pick up the phone and see how she's doing ??

I was married for 22 years so these silly games seem like a waste of time/energy either be with someone or tell them to get lost

 

[MaritimeGuy]

There's a common perception out there that women like bad boys. I don't think it's so much the bad that attracts them as much as its the guys not working too hard to get their attention. I think it's human nature to want more want we can't have than what we can obtain easily. Not to mention if there's a fear of loss because the other person seems to have options there is going to be more effort put into keeping that person. It's kind of a perverse dynamic in a way.

 

[ace21]

Zanna, yes i do love her. I have tried to talk and be reasonable, and we are seeing a therapist as a couple.
A little bit of effort or interest from her would go a long way.

For example.. currently Im out of town for the week, she knows I left pissed and I'm not calling her.
If she was interested in "fixing" or making things better in my opinion she needs to call me and be sweet and nice and maybe even apoligise for neglecting us and our needs. Im really steamed because I used my time and resources to help out with her life (which I do regularly) and got treated poorly, ignored in return, and this is not first time this has happened.

Im getting tired of making excuses for her selfish behavior and giving her a pass for her behavior
.
If she doesn't make serious changes , I think i have no choice but to get away from her. As some one posted Im not geting any younger and I really don't need to be tied down to a lady with 2 young children who wants to play games and can't do whats needed to maintain a serious relationship.


I would hope I have many more important things to do with my life then deal with this nonsense.
Im seriously considering moving out of her place within the next 2 weeks if I don't see big changes.

Is this unreasonable and selfish on my part ??
Thanks for all of your replies, never thought I'd be on a site like this discussing such personal issues but it's very helpful to hear a variety of opinions .