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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I haven't been on here in a long time. I have been going to my IC and weekly group counseling meetings for domestic violence. They have been helping some, but still pretty down lately.

After over a year of back and forth, I finally told my H I wanted to divorce. I just cannot move forward from his EA's and emotional/verbal abuse.

I know I should of done this a long time ago, but at least now I know I did all I could, and know he can't say I didn't try.

I am sad, but also relieved.
 

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Sorry it came to this, Numb. But you are right. You have done all you can on your own as far as your marriage is concerned. Without a change in him, there's nothing else to be done.

Now it's time to put all of your energy into your own recovery. You are already taking big steps. Getting yourself free from him is the biggest. Have dealt with those same things myself, so I can tell you the hurt and pain doesn't magically go away when you're away from him, but being away from him is necessary for your healing.

Hugs, sweetie. You're strong. You can do this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you Angelpixie. I struggle every day if I am making the right choices. I just have to do what I know brings me peace. What my heart knows is right. Just wish it didn't hurt so much.
 

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Thank you Angelpixie. I struggle every day if I am making the right choices. I just have to do what I know brings me peace. What my heart knows is right. Just wish it didn't hurt so much.
Numb.

You have a lot of I statements.

That is a huge step in the right direction from where you were months ago.

This is not about your heart though.

It's about your head.

This is what is best for YOU.

Period.

Lead with your head.

Your heart will follow.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Numb.

You have a lot of I statements.

That is a huge step in the right direction from where you were months ago.

This is not about your heart though.

It's about your head.

This is what is best for YOU.

Period.

Lead with your head.

Your heart will follow.
Thank you. I had just never been able to move past my "gut feelings" about him. I was still in love, and probably still have love still, but his disrespect for me has made me cold and unfeeling for him. I put a wall up emotionally.

I am not a perfect, beautiful person, but I do believe I deserve someone to respect me and to be kind and faithful.
 

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Thank you. I had just never been able to move past my "gut feelings" about him. I was still in love, and probably still have love still, but his disrespect for me has made me cold and unfeeling for him. I put a wall up emotionally.

I am not a perfect, beautiful person, but I do believe I deserve someone to respect me and to be kind and faithful.
I agree.

You are not perfect.

Nor am I.

Or anyone else for that matter.

Everyone makes mistakes.

That's life.

I do disagree with you not being beautiful.

Haven't seen you.

Don't need to.

If you truly believed you deserve better then question why you just said you aren't beautiful.

"Cold and unfeeling" is a start in the right direction.

Next step.

Indifference.

Once you shed the emotions you have for him, for the situation of the past, it will not hinder you in the future.

Learn from the mistakes you have made in allowing others to stomp on your boundaries.

Do not put a wall up.

Nothing but negative feelings and resentment will come from that and sour your life moving forward.

Work on loving yourself.

Self awareness.

Establish boundaries because it's what you want.

Those who do not listen to them need not stay around.

And that's okay.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
The part about moving my life forward is where I struggle. I probably need to see about something for depression, as I don't have a lot of motivation.

I feel confident with my decision, yet it still hurts. I definitely need to find a little zest for life.

It's hard to go out and do something without thinking of it affecting "us". It's hard to think in the "single" mode.
 

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The part about moving my life forward is where I struggle. I probably need to see about something for depression, as I don't have a lot of motivation.

I feel confident with my decision, yet it still hurts. I definitely need to find a little zest for life.

It's hard to go out and do something without thinking of it affecting "us". It's hard to think in the "single" mode.
You made a big decision.

Believe in yourself.

Start simple Numb.

Anything.

Go for a coffee by yourself.

Bring a book, a tablet or even just your phone.

Relax in a new location alone and enjoy it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I will try that.. and I think once we get things started with attorney and courts, it will help.

It was all the back and forth wearing me out.

Actually it was all the trying when in my gut, I knew it wasn't working, but was trying anyway, worried about hurting his feelings.

But I finally just had to face reality and the only solution was right in front of me.

I just struggled with the strength to stand up to him and voice that final decision.
 

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I will try that.. and I think once we get things started with attorney and courts, it will help.

It was all the back and forth wearing me out.

Actually it was all the trying when in my gut, I knew it wasn't working, but was trying anyway, worried about hurting his feelings.

But I finally just had to face reality and the only solution was right in front of me.

I just struggled with the strength to stand up to him and voice that final decision.
Numb.

That is assuming.

Hoping and assuming will never do you any good.

Take charge in the now to better your future.

Please. Do not get me wrong.

I think you are doing a fantastic job.

Continue to grow stronger but do not wait for things to happen.

Make them happen.

Start building that new foundation for your new life.
 

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Numb, your story sounds similar to mine about not getting past the gut feeling, but mine didn't have abuse. We were back and forth 8 years. Now I'm 35 and feel so worn out, I don't know how to go on with all th pain I feel. How long were u together with him? Do u have kids? We never had kids and I'm so scared that at my age, I've wasted too much time. Now I don't know how to move forward because I feel so broken.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Numb, your story sounds similar to mine about not getting past the gut feeling, but mine didn't have abuse. We were back and forth 8 years. Now I'm 35 and feel so worn out, I don't know how to go on with all th pain I feel. How long were u together with him? Do u have kids? We never had kids and I'm so scared that at my age, I've wasted too much time. Now I don't know how to move forward because I feel so broken.
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Sorry to hear you are going through this also. We started going out in 2000, married since 03. I am 43, and worry about meeting someone else , let alone trusting again, to love freely.

But, I had to decide that I'd rather chance living alone the rest of my life, to living in a shell. I still catch myself not doing things as little as dressing differently, thinking what "he" would think. His abuse is instilled in me for a while.

I even have a tanning bed, and I'm white as a ghost, because with us separated, I know that if I would start tanning, getting in shape,, etc. He would accuse me of looking for someone else.
He even tried questioning me about my DV support group, if it was all women, or if men were there.
 

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I'm also an Ohio girl with a story very similar to yours - EAs, neglect, me waffling for years and trying everything before giving up. I also haven't done anything to look different or feel different yet. STBX is in the house another couple of weeks, and I'm just not ready.

For me, the hardest part is the transition - telling people, learning to say "I" instead of "we", not telling him what's going on in my life, etc. As for the future, I'm looking forward to coming home to peace and quiet, having more time to myself when he has the kids, redecorating some rooms, dating, etc. If I meet one of those 'plenty of fish', that'll be great, but if not, I'm ready for that too. Better than living another 50 years the way I've been living.

Good luck to you and I hope you find peace with yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
So STBEXH came over last night to talk about things. Wanted to know my reasons for wanting to D.

I gave him my reasons, and he then asked me if I would make love to him one more time..... OMG!! I of course said no. He just doesn't get it.

I told him I would set up an appt. after first of year, which he said no, he wants to see attorney before then (after he said he wouldn't pay for it). He is changing everything he had initially said about how much money he would pay me monthly.

I've got a lot of planning and figuring to do. Dealing with a narcissist is not fun.


Just trying to stay in somewhat of a holiday mood through all this for my kids and granddaughter.
 

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Numb - If you haven't already, get the book Splitting (can't post the link now, but it's on amazon). It's written specifically for people who are divorcing someone with narcissistic or borderline personality disorders.
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Numb - If you haven't already, get the book Splitting (can't post the link now, but it's on amazon). It's written specifically for people who are divorcing someone with narcissistic or borderline personality disorders.
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I will look this up, I need all the help I can get.. I know it's going to get ugly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Well we signed the dissolution papers yesterday...

When we walked out, all he said to me was "I'm sorry "Numb"...

THEN,,,, it wasn't 10 min after I got home and was heading to a girlfriends to cookout, he calls me and asks me to go have dinner with him.....Really??
Guess the signing wasn't direct enough for him to get that it's over!!
 
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