I would dump him. You can do better. What happens the next time you are apart, or the relationship gets bumpy. He won’t be loyal. He has a character flaw, these are very difficult to fix unless he is committed to therapy. Why waste any more time, it makes u lose the trust and once that is gone there is really nothing. Run.I am trying to decide what to do and outside feedback would be appreciated.
I won't bore anyone with too many details, but when in a long distance relationship, my boyfriend cheated on me quite long term. He lied to me every day, he minimised me to the other woman (and to friends locally), he let me continue believing we were both completely committed and I only found out about it once the other woman called me to tell me.
She did this because he would not leave me for her and she thought if she got rid of me that this would clear her path. He reacted instead by dumping her, telling her he loved me and didn't want her and begging me to take him back.
I was willing to give him a second chance because (a) he underplayed the cheating initially and I really didn't know what I was agreeing to (b) we had not seen each other for a year when it happened (pandemic related) (c) I was probably in too much shock to even think straight and just wanted the pain to go away.
This didn't happen because he was lacking something with me or because we had problems or because he met someone he just felt compelled to kiss. It happened just because she was there and I wasn't.
After she told me, he quit his job, moved to be with me and six months later, I am just not sure how I feel or what I want.
One the one hand, commitment that was lacking before is now there. He is obviously committed for the long haul and fully invested (he admits he was not before and it took nearly losing me to see it). He is now open and emotionally intimate in ways he never was before. He is now committed in practical ways (wants to buy a home together, makes decisions jointly). He is loving to me, caring, supportive, kind and we are in love still. If this had not happened I've got no doubt we would be incredibly happy together. He did all the stuff he's meant to do (cutting all contact with other woman, told me the whole truth, going to get therapy, reading books on this stuff, apologising constantly, tending my emotional needs)
On the other hand, I don't really know how to put it behind me or if I even want to. Whatever "the work" is that needs to be done has definitely not been done. I still don't get HOW he did it. I get WHY, but I am blown away anyone could treat me as if I was so disposable. I am such a loyal person, I can't have any empathy for the mindset where he took getting his kicks as important enough to risk harming me like this. I don't really trust him. I don't think he'd cheat again and think he only did because we were apart for so long, but he showed he's capable of having zero integrity so how do I trust him?
What seems to be my choice now is to accept, I was in love with this man and wanted a full commitment, he wasn't willing or ready so he went off, had an affair behind my back and now this has led him to realise what he almost lost and he's offering me everything I ever wanted. Or to just leave and be with someone who didn't cheat on me or treat me with so much disrespect. It would be a no brainer, except the **** part is that I believe we really love each other and it would be pretty hard, if not impossible, to find that again.
I get most people who cope with "infidelity" do so because they have a marriage or kids or a life together, but for us none of those things are holding me here. What advice to those who dealt with cheating have to offer me? I never thought this was something I could accept or live with, but here I am.
I had an uncle who cheated on his wife when they were young. She stayed and he adored her for the rest of his life. They had the most beautiful marriage and when she passed away he sat in his chair, depressed, talking of nothing but her and how his life meant nothing without her before dying himself. So I know there are sometimes happy endings. But I am not sure how to get that for myself.
This whole situation sucks, and I really wish he'd never done this to us. Is the solution as simple as putting it behind us?