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It's great that you are starting to feel better, but it has only been two weeks. Dealing with news like this is usually a rollercoaster. If you continue to feel and do better, great, but be prepared that it probably won't last.

It has also only been two weeks for your wife. That isn't a long time and it's easy for people to put on an act for a while. She may be doing "everything right" but don't let that fool you. She is doing it because she got caught and doesn't want the consequences of divorce. If she wasn't happy in the marriage before, she won't suddenly be happy now.

The great sex? That's hysterical bonding. It doesn't last and when it ends, that "best sex of my life" sex will likely never be repeated. She's just putting on a show to try and **** her way out of this mess.

Staying sucks. I'm sure divorce does as well but staying sucks for years, at minimum, and there are no guarantees that things will ever be better. It's not worth it. It's not even the right choice for the kids, not if they are going to have two miserable but together parents.

The longer you stay married, the longer you have to pay alimony (generally). Even though she has been a SAHM, she has earning potential because of her education. So that should lower the duration that you have to pay alimony.
 

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EastCoastNative

I wonder what your wandering spouse - Russian - and the dance instructor - also Russian - think about marital infidelity. I did a short scan on Google and got to wondering how acceptable infidelity is in their society? Something I suggest you ponder.

A person who chooses (yes - chooses!) to commit adultery has deep-seated issues with their morality/boundaries/integrity/respect for their spouse - and so on.

You now have to live with the memory in your face daily if you stay and if you go, you will eventually not think on the event so much - but it is now a part of your life.

Tell the spouse of the AP - it is the right thing to do. Maybe it won't matter to her. But do the right thing and don't be a party to keeping their "secret."
Get thee to a STD testing center (or your personal physician) as there are some nice critters that can take up residence in your body without you knowing they are there - until damage is done.
Worse - some of them you are going to have for life. Hope you are fortunate and have missed that bus-stop.

Kids? Take the word from someone who grew up in an amoral family - it affects you for life.
I suggest you don't share all the dirt she has done but do tell them "Your Mother has chosen a different path going forward in life without me." If they are perceptive and ask questions - don't lie please.

Get the best divorce specialist lawyer you can $$$ and do as he says. But keep a clear head and double-check all his advice.

When her Parents learn of her dalliance - just be short and truthful.
Helping them become US citizens? Might be a good idea for long term
well being of her - might affect how your kids see events unfold as they get older. Set the best example you can regarding how to deal with life in as dignified manner as one can.

Find someone with whom you can talk at length about what you are going through mentally. (IC?)
Brother/Sister? Life-long friend. Conversation will help jell your thoughts and assist in choosing best path to follow in your life going forward.

Sorry to read your story - but as you have already read - your wife appears to be "just another cheater following the Cheaters Handbook."

Post here with your thinking and members will reflect and comment. Keep in mind all of us here have our own interpretations of words and and tolerance - or lack of tolerance - for the situation your wife has bestowed on you.

As people post to your thread - more things to do and ponder will be mentioned.

I suggest if you decide to walk, don't fret over the 2 years of messages (and whatever other details) you don't have - they will just add to your misery. I would hazard a weeks wages she has crossed the line both EA and PA - and once is enough of cause to sever the relationship.

But (!) you may want to consider child custody and what you want and need in the way of concrete information regarding her fitness to be a mother. A PI would be good to get to look into her last two years of "fun."
 

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The only problem is the kids. I can say, with about 60%-70% confidence based on the way she's acted in the past 2 weeks, that this won't happen again. So I'm always going to have guilt for being the one to actually end it and ruin their lives, even though I know that it's her who did it. That's the only thing I'm stuck on.
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A BS should never feel that they are the one breaking up the family or hurting the kids.

That falls squarely on the WS.
 

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Me: 38M
Her: 35F

Together 11 years, married 9 years, 2 kids ages 6 and 8

So two weeks ago I discovered my wife, who for context is a stay at home mom, having an affair. It's a long story that I might get up the effort to write out at some point, but it matches SO many of the stories I've read on here- stumbled on a strange text, picked at it, restored her whatsapp history and found texts from 2.5 years ago about meetups. There were even texts between them about how to hide it from me. Unfortunately I was only able to recover 3 months of texts so I'm missing the most important middle 2 years. She dribbled out some more facts but none groundbreaking- I had evidence of two meetups during that period in public parks outside, and she said there were 6 more. She also said that he texted her fantasies about him doing her, but she is adamant that she just ignored him (but still met up with him again after getting those texts). Her texts back to him in the first three months are like daggers through my heart and hard to read, mostly about how she wanted more after their meetups and how it's important that I don't find out.
All cheaters lie a lot. A lot! Most will only admit to what you can prove.

If I had not caught it, it would have continued. Of course, my physical evidence and her light admissions only prove an EA, but I'm not an idiot so I'm sure it was physical too. I saw texts about them meeting up in the same town that he lives in, and it's a 40 minute drive away from us. And this was just in the first 3 months of their affair, there's no way it didn't progress past that. I haven't pushed too hard yet because right now, more truth isn't really going to change anything, but if I decide to stay I might want more truth. I haven't spoken to OM's wife yet as she's not in my circle and I don't know her, but if I decide to stay I'm going to want to talk to her and compare admissions (I don't even know if she knows yet).
You only need proof enough for yourself. This isn’t a court of law. If they met up they had sex. A lot of sex.
Inform her boyfriends wife. She may get you more info. It’s not your job to help hide their affair.


This guy was her dance instructor who also teaches our kids to dance (she did weekday lessons with him too). I saw him every weekend when I dropped off our kids to him. This was a huge fight for us even when I didn't know they had something, mainly because I wanted to see the kids on the entire weekend and hated that they were doing nearly full day lessons on saturdays doing dance (that the kids didn't even want to do). He is married with a newborn and a 3 year old, so he's clearly an awful person too.
I doubt your wife is the only one he’s banging.

The last two weeks have been awful, to say the least. I'm in IC and I made her see an IC too. I'm not ready for MC because I'm not sure if I want to stay yet. I think I've made it through the depression, at least the worst of it, and I've started eating and sleeping again.
You don’t need MC. The marriage isn’t broken she is. Most MC’s are rugsweepers anyway.

Other than all the awful above (and there is some more, but those are the primary details), and aside from the fact that I know she's still hiding stuff, she's been doing everything textbook perfect since it all came out. Cut off contact, huge apologies, actually looks miserable, etc. Sex before this was once per week and boring, and now it's the best of my life and daily.
She’s sorry she got caught. She’s giving you a lot of sex to manipulate you and apparently it’s working. Wake up.

However, I know for sure that it wouldn't have stopped if I didn't catch her. We've been married 9 years and she's been doing this for nearly a third of our marriage. She was a good wife the first ~6 years, but during the affair period she has also been an awful wife- always putting me last, ignoring me on birthdays, couldn't even keep up around the house so I hired a cleaning lady and often had to get my own dry cleaning etc. And the biggest issue is that she would ALWAYS put the kids first- never let us get a babysitter, would always book classes for them over my wishes to see them, etc.
Now you know why. Her actions tell you she doesn’t give a damn about you. Only your checkbook.

Another crazy fact- her family lives in Russia and due the war, 6 months ago I opened my house to them, bought them a car, and am sponsoring them in their US citizenship application, all to save them from the war. None of this was enough for her to stop cheating. Her parents are wonderful people so I don't plan to do anything to torpedo their citizenship application even though I am so mad at the daughter they raised.
Cut off the white knight BS and take care of yourself first. You don’t owe them anything.

For the record, I've always been perfectly faithful to her, even breaking contact with female coworkers when it seemed they were getting too friendly.
It didn’t get you much did it.

Anyway, I'm mainly writing this because I KNOW that the right answer is to leave, but I'm weak and need help getting over the edge. Writing this down has been therapeutic in itself. I have been a doormat to her for the past ~3 years. I feel physically ill when I think about reconciling, but my depression, sadness, and anxiety evaporates when I think about leaving. Sure, there is some nervousness about the uncertainty of my new life- new apartment, how to coparent, etc. But that feels more like regular stress, which is what I deal with every day in my life at work, so it doesn't bring me down. I actually started looking into divorce last year when she was in the worst of it, but since I didn't know about the affair I decided that I would rather have a mediocre wife and happy kids so I sucked it up and dropped it. I did tell her about it, although not strongly enough- I said things like "what am I doing in this relationship if you're not going to support me" etc, and in the past two weeks I asked her what she thought when I said that and she said it made her mad at me, but she realizes now that she should have listened.
Drop your hopium pipe and see a good attorney or live to regret it.

I'm also a little nervous about the first couple months post leaving- for a decade, she has been my everything. Every night and weekend has been spent with her. Right now, we're living in the same house and sort of dating, but I make it clear that I'm not sure yet whether we're breaking up or reconciling. My therapist made it clear that it's not a good idea to make decisions until I get back to healthy, but I feel like I'm approaching that soon as I've been able to eat and sleep for the past ~5-6 days and starting to get a clear head.
You wreak of codependency. Fix that or suffer.

The only problem is the kids. I can say, with about 60%-70% confidence based on the way she's acted in the past 2 weeks, that this won't happen again. So I'm always going to have guilt for being the one to actually end it and ruin their lives, even though I know that it's her who did it. That's the only thing I'm stuck on.
You probably never thought she’d cheat either. So after two weeks of her love bombing you after she got caught your convinced it’ll never happen again? You are very naive.
Being a martyr is hard thankless work and no one is going to give a damn.


Financially, I've already gotten her to agree to a post-nup if we try to work it out, but as I re-read everything I wrote, a straight divorce seems so much cleaner and ultimately better for my mental health.

No discrete question in here, but would love to hear feedback. Thanks all.
You are a chump only if you allow it. Right now you are looking for excuses to stay.
Get STD testing. You don’t know where or who her boyfriend has been with.
Your wife is just a cake eater doing her best to ensure you keep feeding her more cake.
 

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Sorry you’re going through this. I had a wife cheat and it was hell for several months after (weight loss, depression, etc). But it does get better, trust me. Focus on yourself and your kids. Work out, pick up some new hobbies and be the best Dad you can be.

Obviously you need to divorce your wife. She crossed a red line and there’s no going back. She will cheat again once she thinks you’ve let your guard down.

Try to use the affair as a position of power in the divorce. Not sure what state you live in, but alimony is null in some states when adultery can be proven. Hang in there!
 

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The sex now is manipulation on her part! It’s her way of trying to get you to stay.
just divorce her. You’ll have more peace of mind if you divo ce her.
Settle in to a routine with your kids- make sure the wife has to get a job. She has the back ground to work - so tell her to start working now!
Don’t be all nice to her. She ruined your life/marriage/family! And she plotted and planned it by deliberately meeting him for years! She won’t change!
She figures she will give you daily sex until things settle down and then she can go back to seeing him once the dust settles.

make sure you keep the house you have been paying for. All the money she’s been spending? It was likely money spent on her OM!

get the kids dna tested now! You need to know for sure if they are yours! I understand you may still treat them the same no matter the outcome - but still you need the truth - with evidence!
if one or both kids are the OM - well then - HE can pay her that child support money!

it makes me sick when women have a good life and fancy everything - but they just can’t be satisfied enough with the man at home PROVIDING them that lifestyle!

NO, you shouldn’t stay with her! She gives women a bad name! Just divorce her - she can go cheat on someone else! And she will!
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
Thanks for the advice, all. I had the deeper consult with the attorney today, she was great. Really brought me a lot of clarity. There is no doubt that this will be financially ruinous for the first couple years, but I know I'll recover and be happier in the long run. The good thing is that I'm just hitting my stride in my career so this will hopefully be nothing more than a blip on the radar.

I'm really torn on the house- I just really want the kids to have normalcy and be able to stay in the house. All their friends in the neighborhood are here- they just run out the back door and play for hours. I don't want them to lose that just because their mom is a cheater.

The attorney made it clear that if we do 50/50 custody, I probably need to keep the house myself as she won't be able to support it. She will financially be able to support it as my child support will be around $9k/mo and the mortgage is $4600/mo, but they would need to figure out how to get me off the mortgage and my lawyer thinks she won't be able to qualify on her own.

I just don't know what life looks like if I keep the house. I work a ton and travel sometimes for work, so I like knowing that they are going to have the same house with the same grandparents taking care of them when the parents aren't around. Even though we'll do 50/50 custody, it's realistically probably going to mean every other weekend plus a couple of weeknights for me, with the expectation that they are likely spending more "house hours" with their mother and grandparents. I foresee me being the parent that the kids have "sleepovers" at during the week, with them thinking of our current home as "home".

We'll have to sharpen pencils to figure this out. So far I see the house as the biggest logistical issue, all else considered.

Separately, emotionally, I still have about 3% of doubt creeping in that "what if it truly was just an EA", but every time I write that, I realize that even an EA that lasted for 2.5 years is enough for me to leave. So I really don't care to know the rest- she left this marriage 2.5 years ago and I'm just the one papering it. She's fighting back hard right now, sensing that I'm leaving. But I'm not having it- I feel so much better mentally now that I have started to check out.
 

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You will leave having the upper hand, and with your 'face' intact.

She will not.

She will live well off your 'forced' largess, but only until the children are 18, then each child support payment will drop off, one-by-one.
This at, 10 and 12 years respectively.

Naturally, you will help pay for their colleges and marriages, as most parents do!

At 12 years, I suspect you will be totally, financially free of her.
What does/will your attorney say on my figures?

You sound like an honorable man, so bringing her parents over is proper.
A man's word is his word.

Doing so, it shows you have class.
Few do, these days.


Never mention to anyone that you will be using them as babysitters.
While true, keep that notion to yourself.

When you sponsor immigrants you likely are liable for many of their financial obligations while in the U.S.
That includes health costs and benefits.

If one of them requires long term care or open heart surgery you might be liable.
There is that initial 5 year rule, that you must contend with (I believe).
Check with your attorney.

If one of them gets in an accident and they do not have insurance, you may be liable for them, in a lawsuit, or a Judicial action.

...........................................................................................

An aside: I sponsored 11 people and I was lucky, that none of it blew back on me.
 
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Discussion Starter · #33 · (Edited)
Holy **** she's gonna be getting 9k a month from you?

Holy ****.
Yep. Although only for the first 1-3 years then it falls to $7k/mo; I was lumping child support and alimony but the attorney said that in my state alimony will only be ~$2k and will stop in 1.5-3 years.

I only make $15k/mo after taxes, healthcare, etc in regular months but a lot of my money comes in once per year in bonuses so I'll likely be cashflow negative throughout the year outside of bonus months, which is fine.

But let's be fair, my kids are the ones who will benefit from the $7k/mo and they deserve that- it's not their fault they have a bad mom.

She'll likely also get another $300-500k in cash all-in after legal expenses, depending on what happens with the house. It doesn't go far where we live though, it's extremely expensive up here (yet another sore spot- I've been trying to move out of my area for a long time but she's been fighting it... I'm sure we can guess why).

At 12 years, I suspect you will be totally, financially free of her.
What does/will your attorney say on my figures?

When you sponsor immigrants you likely are liable for many of their financial obligations while in the U.S.
That includes health costs and benefits.

If one of them requires long term care or open heart surgery you might be liable.
There is that initial 5 year rule, that you must contend with (I believe).
Check with your attorney.

If one of them gets in an accident and they do not have insurance, you may be liable for them, in a lawsuit, or a Judicial action.

An aside: I sponsored 11 people and I was lucky, that none of it blew back on me.
Yes, your numbers check out. 1-3 years for alimony + 10-12 years for child support. On the immigration support, my attorney thinks she'll agree to indemnify me for that out of her half, as in, I can sue her if the government comes to me. She'll have enough assets for me to go after if that happens.
 

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Your wife...

There is no fool, so lost, as one who is aggressive and arrogant.
She is not short sighted, she is blind.

I know, she did not expect to be caught.
They never do.

She will come out of this smelling like a rose.
Yet, that will not suffice for her.

In her mind, she will soon smell like a rose in the hand of a backwards village girl.
Again.

That Cinderella, returning to her old home, with her new bed in the modest guest house, behind the mansion.
 
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@EastCoastNative this is seems awfully a lot, may be consult with another lawyer?

and yes I agree, the money will go to your kids mostly and she will reap what she sow (destroying a secure and safe marriage)

remember, you will be more in main if you stay, for a long time. plus the pay out would be more down the road if decide it is not working.

not true about the house being a sleep over. it is all depend on you how you make it for your kids. keeping the house for yourself should be a priority

wouldn't hurt if you go the divorce route to ask her to lower your monthly payment since it is her fault (log shot), the extra money you keep either way will go to kids.

stop having sex with her, this will not make it easier and will shake your decisions in either direction.
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
@EastCoastNative this is seems awfully a lot, may be consult with another lawyer?

and yes I agree, the money will go to your kids mostly and she will reap what she sow (destroying a secure and safe marriage)

remember, you will be more in main if you stay, for a long time. plus the pay out would be more down the road if decide it is not working.

not true about the house being a sleep over. it is all depend on you how you make it for your kids. keeping the house for yourself should be a priority

wouldn't hurt if you go the divorce route to ask her to lower your monthly payment since it is her fault (log shot), the extra money you keep either way will go to kids.

stop having sex with her, this will not make it easier and will shake your decisions in either direction.
Helpful comments, I appreciate it. Regarding alimony and child support, it's just a formula set by the state. My lawyer indicated that this is worst case, and it will decline as she re-enters the workforce since child support is supposed to be a split. The real benefit the lawyer expects to reap in this case is in the settlement itself- she thinks that since the wife currently feels really guilty, and because I still hold the power to revoke her parents' citizenship (not that I would), that I can likely get her to agree to accept hundreds of thousands less in the settlement.

The state won't allow us to bargain down the child support. It's really just an unfortunate situation of someone who earns most of the year's money in lump sums so it looks worse than it is since the child support monthly looks so close to how much I make monthly, but it's not bad on an annual basis.

I hear you on the house. The lawyer is pushing me to try to keep it too. I realize I'm not the best decisionmaker right now so I'm not disagreeing; just that in my current state I want them to have the least change possible and realistically I always worked a lot anyway on weekdays so I picture them being least disrupted if they stay in the house.

Honestly I'm not sure that I even want to live in the house as it's really hard with all the memories. Although I guess writing that, everyone is going to feel that way including the kids. So who freaking knows at this point.

Today was a hard day. She spent the day sending me messages at work about how she's sorry, how she was lost during that time, but then turned to the dreaded "it was your fault too". Gave me a spiel about how this summer she wanted to do couples counseling but I told her no. I remember this conversation- it came up a few months back when I told her I wasn't happy in our marriage; my answer wasn't a "no" but a "you need IC first" as she was clearly depressed. But this is against a backdrop of the fact that she had already been cheating for 2 years by the time of this conversation.

She keeps saying that he was just a friend and that she liked the compliments (including how much he wanted to do her), and that he was just preying on her depression. She said she liked having a man tell her how great she is. I used to do that all the time, but stopped right around the same time she started seeing this guy because honestly, she wasn't being great anymore. She turned into an awful wife (aside from the affair) and not even that great of a mother, and I told her nicely at first but it got more pointed as the time went on. For our entire marriage I used to buy her flowers randomly, but ironically in the past 1-2 years I haven't been because I didn't feel like she deserved them. She uses this to defend the affair but I use it as evidence that she checked out of the marriage. She keeps flipping between entirely remorseful, "it wasn't that bad", and "it was your fault too".

I'm just so ready to be done with this.
 

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Helpful comments, I appreciate it. Regarding alimony and child support, it's just a formula set by the state. My lawyer indicated that this is worst case, and it will decline as she re-enters the workforce since child support is supposed to be a split. The real benefit the lawyer expects to reap in this case is in the settlement itself- she thinks that since the wife currently feels really guilty, and because I still hold the power to revoke her parents' citizenship (not that I would), that I can likely get her to agree to accept hundreds of thousands less in the settlement.

The state won't allow us to bargain down the child support. It's really just an unfortunate situation of someone who earns most of the year's money in lump sums so it looks worse than it is since the child support monthly looks so close to how much I make monthly, but it's not bad on an annual basis.

I hear you on the house. The lawyer is pushing me to try to keep it too. I realize I'm not the best decisionmaker right now so I'm not disagreeing; just that in my current state I want them to have the least change possible and realistically I always worked a lot anyway on weekdays so I picture them being least disrupted if they stay in the house.

Honestly I'm not sure that I even want to live in the house as it's really hard with all the memories. Although I guess writing that, everyone is going to feel that way including the kids. So who freaking knows at this point.

Today was a hard day. She spent the day sending me messages at work about how she's sorry, how she was lost during that time, but then turned to the dreaded "it was your fault too". Gave me a spiel about how this summer she wanted to do couples counseling but I told her no. I remember this conversation- it came up a few months back when I told her I wasn't happy in our marriage; my answer wasn't a "no" but a "you need IC first" as she was clearly depressed. But this is against a backdrop of the fact that she had already been cheating for 2 years by the time of this conversation.

She keeps saying that he was just a friend and that she liked the compliments (including how much he wanted to do her), and that he was just preying on her depression. She said she liked having a man tell her how great she is. I used to do that all the time, but stopped right around the same time she started seeing this guy because honestly, she wasn't being great anymore. She turned into an awful wife (aside from the affair) and not even that great of a mother, and I told her nicely at first but it got more pointed as the time went on. For our entire marriage I used to buy her flowers randomly, but ironically in the past 1-2 years I haven't been because I didn't feel like she deserved them. She uses this to defend the affair but I use it as evidence that she checked out of the marriage. She keeps flipping between entirely remorseful, "it wasn't that bad", and "it was your fault too".

I'm just so ready to be done with this.
I'm glad you're moving on with your divorce and getting away from a cheating wife. All the "it's your fault too" language is just typical blameshifting and trying to justify. Don't let it sit in your head for one second. The choice was hers and she made it. End of story. Everything that happened after that choice was a consequence of the choice itself, and it still is. This is entirely on her.

Any idea when she will be served? All H will break lose then, she will go over the top love bombing you crying, begging, pleading. Better to plan now for how to minimize your contact with her. Got any trips coming up?
 

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She doesn’t want a divorce so don’t be surprised if she starts throwing sex at you to get you back in line. That would be a big mistake on your part so don’t let her talk you into being alone with her for any reason.
 
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