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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Me: 38M
Her: 35F

Together 11 years, married 9 years, 2 kids ages 6 and 8

So two weeks ago I discovered my wife, who for context is a stay at home mom, having an affair. It's a long story that I might get up the effort to write out at some point, but it matches SO many of the stories I've read on here- stumbled on a strange text, picked at it, restored her whatsapp history and found texts from 2.5 years ago about meetups. There were even texts between them about how to hide it from me. Unfortunately I was only able to recover 3 months of texts so I'm missing the most important middle 2 years. She dribbled out some more facts but none groundbreaking- I had evidence of two meetups during that period in public parks outside, and she said there were 6 more. She also said that he texted her fantasies about him doing her, but she is adamant that she just ignored him (but still met up with him again after getting those texts). Her texts back to him in the first three months are like daggers through my heart and hard to read, mostly about how she wanted more after their meetups and how it's important that I don't find out.

If I had not caught it, it would have continued. Of course, my physical evidence and her light admissions only prove an EA, but I'm not an idiot so I'm sure it was physical too. I saw texts about them meeting up in the same town that he lives in, and it's a 40 minute drive away from us. And this was just in the first 3 months of their affair, there's no way it didn't progress past that. I haven't pushed too hard yet because right now, more truth isn't really going to change anything, but if I decide to stay I might want more truth. I haven't spoken to OM's wife yet as she's not in my circle and I don't know her, but if I decide to stay I'm going to want to talk to her and compare admissions (I don't even know if she knows yet).

I make a lot of money, high six figures and likely getting into 7 figures in the next 1-2 years, and I supported her fully in everything she's ever done- she dumps tens of thousands on house and furniture, does 1-2 fitness classes per day, etc. I've been a very good husband. Nobody is perfect- sometimes I work too much or come home too tired after a long day, but I've always done my best to try to "date" her on weekends, often with her being the one to say no and to stay in and watch netflix and go to bed.

This guy was her dance instructor who also teaches our kids to dance (she did weekday lessons with him too). I saw him every weekend when I dropped off our kids to him. This was a huge fight for us even when I didn't know they had something, mainly because I wanted to see the kids on the entire weekend and hated that they were doing nearly full day lessons on saturdays doing dance (that the kids didn't even want to do). He is married with a newborn and a 3 year old, so he's clearly an awful person too.

The last two weeks have been awful, to say the least. I'm in IC and I made her see an IC too. I'm not ready for MC because I'm not sure if I want to stay yet. I think I've made it through the depression, at least the worst of it, and I've started eating and sleeping again.

Other than all the awful above (and there is some more, but those are the primary details), and aside from the fact that I know she's still hiding stuff, she's been doing everything textbook perfect since it all came out. Cut off contact, huge apologies, actually looks miserable, etc. Sex before this was once per week and boring, and now it's the best of my life and daily.

However, I know for sure that it wouldn't have stopped if I didn't catch her. We've been married 9 years and she's been doing this for nearly a third of our marriage. She was a good wife the first ~6 years, but during the affair period she has also been an awful wife- always putting me last, ignoring me on birthdays, couldn't even keep up around the house so I hired a cleaning lady and often had to get my own dry cleaning etc. And the biggest issue is that she would ALWAYS put the kids first- never let us get a babysitter, would always book classes for them over my wishes to see them, etc.

Another crazy fact- her family lives in Russia and due the war, 6 months ago I opened my house to them, bought them a car, and am sponsoring them in their US citizenship application, all to save them from the war. None of this was enough for her to stop cheating. Her parents are wonderful people so I don't plan to do anything to torpedo their citizenship application even though I am so mad at the daughter they raised.

For the record, I've always been perfectly faithful to her, even breaking contact with female coworkers when it seemed they were getting too friendly.

Anyway, I'm mainly writing this because I KNOW that the right answer is to leave, but I'm weak and need help getting over the edge. Writing this down has been therapeutic in itself. I have been a doormat to her for the past ~3 years. I feel physically ill when I think about reconciling, but my depression, sadness, and anxiety evaporates when I think about leaving. Sure, there is some nervousness about the uncertainty of my new life- new apartment, how to coparent, etc. But that feels more like regular stress, which is what I deal with every day in my life at work, so it doesn't bring me down. I actually started looking into divorce last year when she was in the worst of it, but since I didn't know about the affair I decided that I would rather have a mediocre wife and happy kids so I sucked it up and dropped it. I did tell her about it, although not strongly enough- I said things like "what am I doing in this relationship if you're not going to support me" etc, and in the past two weeks I asked her what she thought when I said that and she said it made her mad at me, but she realizes now that she should have listened.

I'm also a little nervous about the first couple months post leaving- for a decade, she has been my everything. Every night and weekend has been spent with her. Right now, we're living in the same house and sort of dating, but I make it clear that I'm not sure yet whether we're breaking up or reconciling. My therapist made it clear that it's not a good idea to make decisions until I get back to healthy, but I feel like I'm approaching that soon as I've been able to eat and sleep for the past ~5-6 days and starting to get a clear head.

The only problem is the kids. I can say, with about 60%-70% confidence based on the way she's acted in the past 2 weeks, that this won't happen again. So I'm always going to have guilt for being the one to actually end it and ruin their lives, even though I know that it's her who did it. That's the only thing I'm stuck on.

Financially, I've already gotten her to agree to a post-nup if we try to work it out, but as I re-read everything I wrote, a straight divorce seems so much cleaner and ultimately better for my mental health.

No discrete question in here, but would love to hear feedback. Thanks all.
 

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Sorry you're here, welcome to TAM. You know there are some tough times ahead but it sounds like you're preparing. Good for you. It's hard to find out about affairs. Keep steady.

There are a lot if good folks and sources here to share similar stories and support. It sounds like you're on the right track.
 

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Sad to say but your wife has only told you about 0.001% of her affair. You deserve so much better. You said yourself if she wasn't found out they would still be carrying on. I'd divorce and find someone who doesn't share sex with others putting you at risk of std's. You should get tested if you haven't already.

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Sorry you find yourself here for this reason. Odds are you only know a fraction of what went on. If they had the opportunity, which they did, then it was physical. Don't stick your head in the sand on that one.

If you think you can reconcile and stay together if it were just an EA, then I suggest a polygraph for her. You can quickly find out if it was physical and if it was the only time she has had an affair. I would also suggest a post nup that has her forgo spousal support in the event she is caught cheating in anyway, E or P.

Try not to make this a financial decision though. Your happiness and peace of mind are priceless.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Sorry you find yourself here for this reason. Odds are you only know a fraction of what went on. If they had the opportunity, which they did, then it was physical. Don't stick your head in the sand on that one.

If you think you can reconcile and stay together if it were just an EA, then I suggest a polygraph for her. You can quickly find out if it was physical and if it was the only time she has had an affair. I would also suggest a post nup that has her forgo spousal support in the event she is caught cheating in anyway, E or P.

Try not to make this a financial decision though. Your happiness and peace of mind are priceless.
Thanks, that's a great comment. I think it puts it into perspective as to why I don't really care to know the truth- the fact is, even if it were "just" an EA (not to downplay the hurt those cause on their own), seeing those messages about hiding it from me, and knowing that there were meetups and 2 years more messages that I haven't seen- I still wouldn't be comfortable staying.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Update: spoke with a lawyer this afternoon, will have a deeper initial consultation tomorrow. It has instantly lifted me out of my anxiety and concern over the missing facts.

Every 20 minutes I think about trying to get over it but it physically hurts even to think about it. Then when I turn to a life without her, it's like being in a storm but seeing sun on the horizon. Feels like it's just going to be a bit of pain for a while then finally that happiness that I haven't tasted in at least 3 years.

I just never wanted one of "those" marriages (of course, who does)- the one where the husband works 50+ hour weeks to provide an amazing life for the spouse and kids, and the spouse cheats with one of the fitness coaches. It had already turned into one that I didn't like, where the spouse treated me poorly, ignored me, spent insane money on useless things, etc. But I was willing to live with that; cheating was the line she couldn't cross and she did.

I know this wasn't because I didn't give her enough attention because I definitely tried, a LOT. The one way I rationalize what happened is that the dance coach was a young ripped stud and also happened to be Russian like her; a bond that I could never give her. When I translate the texts between the two of them, she talked with him in a way that she never ever talked with me, even when we were dating. The cute, flirty messages just cut me to my core.

She has a masters degree but never worked; really dreading having to support her for the next however many years. I don't mind getting her on her feet for a couple years, and I assume I'll be paying for the house for at least the next 12 until the kids are 18, but thank goodness it's at a low mortgage rate thanks to the pandemic.
 

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No discrete question in here, but would love to hear feedback. Thanks all.
Find your self respect, your pride, and your dignity and get the hell out.

You should definitely get the hell out BEFORE you start making 7 figures or you'll be paying her through your nose for the next umpteen years. And just so you know - most post-nups really don't hold up in court, especially when they're lopsided where one gets the lion's share and the other does not. So stop thinking you're financially "protected" from the lying cheater you married, because you're NOT. Stop being so foolish! Whether you like it or not, because she's STILL lying, that means she has absolutely zero remorse for YOUR pain. This is a woman who's only looking out for her meal ticket and has no problem lying to your face every single day in order to do it. She's a real catch you've got there.

Why on earth you're "too weak" to leave this woman boggles my mind. It's really not that hard to leave someone who couldn't even show you the same amount of respect that most of us show the common dung beetle.

Find your damned dignity, OP. Reach down deep and find it.
 

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Your head is on straight, your life is above water.

Hers is not.

Hers head is on, crooked, it is unfairly situated,

You made a mistake in marrying her, she made no mistake in cheating on you.

You are being used because you, kindly, and unwittingly, permitted this.

There is no good future to had with her, she used up all of that good will, all of that good fate.

You are yet young, at 38.

At your age, you have, more than enough time to start over with someone more loyal, someone more worthy.
Can I say more to your liking?

We only live once, don't waste another precious minute on a woman who values you, unfairly.

When all is said and done, try not to become bitter and angry.
People are selfish, often unkind, often treacherous.

I suspect being raised in Russia made her manipulative and selfish.

What made her entitled (I suspect) is her beauty, and her false sense of worth.
Her trainer can have her, her life style will then, henceforth, certainly suffer.

Show class, some empathy, but little mercy.

She needs that lesson learned.
 

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@EastCoastNative ,

what she is doing is playing you and you are a fool -
1- you should've never accept sex from her or even talked to her

she was planning her life around the guy - think for a second, she took your kids away from you so they can meet him, imagine? may be she is waiting for the other guy to leave his wife, or may be waiting for her parents to get the paper then divorce you to be with the guy.

if you have the a small tiny self respect you would leave - this will also teach your kids to be firm and not tolerate cheaters.

she will cheat again, she will find someone else or continue behind your back.

the only reason she is with you is for money - she like the fact that there is guy spend money her and another guy forking her, making love to her and date her. even train her kids and treat them like his own. isn't that enough to make you pause? do you think for a second if you stay with her that she will not do it down the road and waste your life and time that you could've spent with someone else who respect you and honor you?

the other guy not only was doing your wife but also sucking a hard working money you been making - she was providing for him her body and your money. does that make sense

yes, stop her parents paper works. and tell them because of their daughter who was cheating.

and yes find the man's wife and tell her yourself.

I also hope you are not still sending your kids to the dance lessons?

you will never be enough for her
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I appreciate all the comments. The only one I slightly disagree with is her parents- if I pull my support for their citizenship application, they can never be in the US again and will likely be jailed upon return to Russia for attempting to emigrate. I hate her right now, but I don't hate them. They are realistically going to raise my children during the week when she's busting her butt working a 9-5. They are making it a million times easier for me to leave because I know that my kids won't be going home to an empty house after school.

Agree with everything else though. I will say- for the first 5-6 years of marriage it felt perfect. Like a true, deep in-love marriage. I agree though now- it's not that anymore and will never be again.
 

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I appreciate all the comments. The only one I slightly disagree with is her parents- if I pull my support for their citizenship application, they can never be in the US again and will likely be jailed upon return to Russia for attempting to emigrate. I hate her right now, but I don't hate them. They are realistically going to raise my children during the week when she's busting her butt working a 9-5. They are making it a million times easier for me to leave because I know that my kids won't be going home to an empty house after school.

Agree with everything else though. I will say- for the first 5-6 years of marriage it felt perfect. Like a true, deep in-love marriage. I agree though now- it's not that anymore and will never be again.
@EastCoastNative
may be the first 5-6 years she also cheated and had someone else - bud, I would DNA the kids and also ask her for STD test

have you told her parents?

please work on meeting the other wife, she has right to know
 

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Thanks, that's a great comment. I think it puts it into perspective as to why I don't really care to know the truth- the fact is, even if it were "just" an EA (not to downplay the hurt those cause on their own), seeing those messages about hiding it from me, and knowing that there were meetups and 2 years more messages that I haven't seen- I still wouldn't be comfortable staying.
Then your path is clear.
You just need to ready yourself, create a plan and execute it ruthlessly and as unemotionally as possible.
 

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@EastCoastNative ,

what she is doing is playing you and you are a fool -
1- you should've never accept sex from her or even talked to her

she was planning her life around the guy - think for a second, she took your kids away from you so they can meet him, imagine? may be she is waiting for the other guy to leave his wife, or may be waiting for her parents to get the paper then divorce you to be with the guy.

if you have the a small tiny self respect you would leave - this will also teach your kids to be firm and not tolerate cheaters.

she will cheat again, she will find someone else or continue behind your back.

the only reason she is with you is for money - she like the fact that there is guy spend money her and another guy forking her, making love to her and date her. even train her kids and treat them like his own. isn't that enough to make you pause? do you think for a second if you stay with her that she will not do it down the road and waste your life and time that you could've spent with someone else who respect you and honor you?

the other guy not only was doing your wife but also sucking a hard working money you been making - she was providing for him her body and your money. does that make sense

yes, stop her parents paper works. and tell them because of their daughter who was cheating.

and yes find the man's wife and tell her yourself.

I also hope you are not still sending your kids to the dance lessons?

you will never be enough for her
Cant agree about hurting the parents. They haven't done anything wrong, and he is clearly a very rich man so can afford it.
 

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I appreciate all the comments. The only one I slightly disagree with is her parents- if I pull my support for their citizenship application, they can never be in the US again and will likely be jailed upon return to Russia for attempting to emigrate. I hate her right now, but I don't hate them. They are realistically going to raise my children during the week when she's busting her butt working a 9-5. They are making it a million times easier for me to leave because I know that my kids won't be going home to an empty house after school.

Agree with everything else though. I will say- for the first 5-6 years of marriage it felt perfect. Like a true, deep in-love marriage. I agree though now- it's not that anymore and will never be again.
I agree, that would be a horrible thing to do to people who have done nothing wrong, purely for vengeance against their daughter. I am sure the children love them as well.
 

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In the end, can you trust her again? If not then what is the point?
Just wanted to say that 2 weeks is nothing. Yes get legal advice etc but take your time.
 

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I agree, that would be a horrible thing to do to people who have done nothing wrong, purely for vengeance against their daughter. I am sure the children love them as well.
I think the point is not to hurt them, or to be vengeful – it’s just that they’re not his problem anymore. And he’s under no obligation to put himself at any disadvantage to help her parents at this point.
If he still wants to help them, then cool, he should.
But he is no longer obligated to and that is the result of his wife’s betrayal.
 

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First you NEED to tell the wife what her piece of $h!t husband has been doing. ASAP!!!

You sound like someone who has done well for himself and not afraid to make your dreams come true. Don't let FEAR keep you from doing what you know you need to do here. Why stay with this woman who has stabbed you in the heart thousands of times because that's exactly what she's done.

Also you need to get to a DR IMMEDIATELY to get tested.
 
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