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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have made peace with the fact that I want to work this relationship out. The past few weeks have actually been very good and we are learning to reconnect in a much better level.
But I keep running so many scenarios in my mind about what he did. Even though it was more of an emotional affair/flirting online type of situation it’s still doesn’t illuminate my wondering of what conversations how often all the scenarios keep boggling my mind and I just can’t seem to get rid of it.
I woke up today feeling so anxious and having palpitations because of anxiety I am making myself sick rehashing scenarios in my mind. I fully know this isn’t going to do me any good but I don’t know how else I can actually let go of it and stop obsessing over what happened what didn’t happen and everything in between
How can you consciously stop thinking about it and just focus on the moving on?
 

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You can't...that's part of what you need to make peace with if you've decided to stick around.

It may lessen in time if you get what you need from him, but most cheaters are too selfish to actually give you what you need. And since you now know what he's capable of things will never be the same so you have to live with that too.

I felt exactly like you describe after I found out about my ex keeping his ex gf around. I never had proof that it was physical though I believe it likely was. At first I figured we'd try, but as time went on and he was a nasty prick to me I realized that I'd simply never trust him again and left him about a year later. Best thing I ever did beyond having my kids.

Is he really that great that the it's worth your stomach being tied in knots? My answer was no.

Maybe yours is yes. If so you'll have to live with it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You can't...that's part of what you need to make peace with if you've decided to stick around.

It may lessen in time if you get what you need from him, but most cheaters are too selfish to actually give you what you need. And since you now know what he's capable of things will never be the same so you have to live with that too.

I felt exactly like you describe after I found out about my ex keeping his ex gf around. I never had proof that it was physical though I believe it likely was. At first I figured we'd try, but as time went on and he was a nasty prick to me I realized that I'd simply never trust him again and left him about a year later. Best thing I ever did beyond having my kids.

Is he really that great that the it's worth your stomach being tied in knots? My answer was no.

Maybe yours is yes. If so you'll have to live with it.
It’s the betrayal and unknown that will constantly plague me . I am taking his word for it accepting that’s really the truth yet in the back of my mind is the big “ what is there’s more to it “
I suppose part of forgiveness is to let it go as well.
I’m not sure I am past that yet … I’m trying to reconcile what we have , but it’s not easy to move past the anger you feel inside .
I still do want to work this out and hopefully make a better relationship and marriage … I just don’t know if it is realistic to be able to stop obsessing over what happened and focus on the mending
 

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I am taking his word for it accepting that’s really the truth yet in the back of my mind is the big “ what is there’s more to it
Taking the cheaters word for it never works. There is absolutely more.

I'm not sure how it is possible to accept / forgive when you don't know what you are accepting or forgiving.
 

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It’s the betrayal and unknown that will constantly plague me . I am taking his word for it accepting that’s really the truth yet in the back of my mind is the big “ what is there’s more to it “
I suppose part of forgiveness is to let it go as well.
I’m not sure I am past that yet … I’m trying to reconcile what we have , but it’s not easy to move past the anger you feel inside .
I still do want to work this out and hopefully make a better relationship and marriage … I just don’t know if it is realistic to be able to stop obsessing over what happened and focus on the mending
It's definitely not realistic to expect it to stop this soon...neither will you be able to consciously make it stop.
HE BETRAYED YOU. Your heart and mind KNOW it, no matter how much you are trying to overlook it and pretend it didn't happen. Your heart and mind aren't going to forget and feel safe for awhile, unless he acts in a way that rebuilds your trust and gives you hope.

You have got to accept these feelings, and just exist with them. You need to see that they are there, notice them, and then let them go when they are ready. If they feel overwhelming, try writing all the negativity down in a journal so you can release it from your mind.

The problem for you going forward is that most of the time, anger is the sign that something is happening that isn't right for you...and it won't go away until you resolve it. But you are attempting to accept something without resolving it, so the anger is probably going to show up alot more than if you were getting more of what you really need from your husband.

If you continue to deny YOUR basic emotional needs and boundaries, and choose to rug sweep this, you might not be able to move past the anger and sense of being wronged. And then you have to decide if you are actually handling things the best way for YOU.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Do you think he has told you everything?
I want to believe he did … I’m not certain but that is what he tells me that it was innocent and did not mean anything — obviously the intent there was not innocent he is trying to cover his mistake I’m trying my best to forgive him for it but it’s not as easy … I get triggered here and there and causes me severe anxiety over it all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
It's definitely not realistic to expect it to stop this soon...neither will you be able to consciously make it stop.
HE BETRAYED YOU. Your heart and mind KNOW it, no matter how much you are trying to overlook it and pretend it didn't happen. Your heart and mind aren't going to forget and feel safe for awhile, unless he acts in a way that rebuilds your trust and gives you hope.

You have got to accept these feelings, and just exist with them. You need to see that they are there, notice them, and then let them go when they are ready. If they feel overwhelming, try writing all the negativity down in a journal so you can release it from your mind.

The problem for you going forward is that most of the time, anger is the sign that something is happening that isn't right for you...and it won't go away until you resolve it. But you are attempting to accept something without resolving it, so the anger is probably going to show up alot more than if you were getting more of what you really need from your husband.

If you continue to deny YOUR basic emotional needs and boundaries, and choose to rug sweep this, you might not be able to move past the anger and sense of being wronged. And then you have to decide if you are actually handling things the best way for YOU.
Yes I think I need to really be at peace with what happened . I need to also stop obsessing over watching over his social media like a hawk ! I am having such anxiety and it’s actually been better lately between us . He’s been extremely attentive and have spent a lot of time with me working on just US .
To go back and keep bringing up what happened is pointless , I know .
maybe I just need time to pass and build new memories with him because this particular memory is over shadowing everything else .
I want to move forward , I honestly do .
It’s just so hard not to wonder … I still browse his IG on who follows him and still some women I don’t even know of who have questionable accounts with nothing but bikini photos —
They could be just the random women he followed and they followed back , I feel like I’m paranoid. Yet still need to ask who those women are exactly .
My friends tell me to let it go for now unless there are absolute signs things are going on … just to not stir the pot unknowingly .
I hate being this bitter . Paranoid woman !
 

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OP, I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in the situation your husband has put you in, but a few 2x4's are coming your way regardless because you desperately need them.

I've read back through all your posts and for the life of me can't understand why you would believe a single word of the absolute B.S. your cheating, gaslighting, blameshifting, unremorseful and unrepentant, POS husband is spewing from his lying lips. You need to stop being such a doormat and stand up for yourself! You have to be willing to lose your marriage if you want to try and save it.

Lace up your b*ch boots and go nuclear on his a*! Demand the respect and accountabilty you deserve and are entitled to! You can't "nice him" back into your marriage. You're playing the "pick me dance" and twisting yourself into knots to try and fix what you didn't break. That NEVER works! It only leads to further DDays and more heartache for you.

If your husband isn't willing to move mountains to prove to you he's all in and "gets it" you had nothing to work with anyhow and your marriage is already over. You're responsible for 50% of whatever problems your marriage had, but he's 100% responsible for his cheating! You need to enact clear boundaries and consequences if he breaks them, and mean it by following through! Unless of course, your plan is to go along with what he wants and rugsweep the whole thing, and continue to let him walk all over you and turn a blind eye to his cheating?

I find it truly sad and disheartening that your first post was one month ago (so your DDay just happened) and you're already talking about needing to be at peace, to stop obsessing, and wanting to reconcile and get over this???? Are you f***ing kidding me? Aww, hell no!!!! It's commonly stated that it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to reconcile after cheating happens in a marriage and that's with a wayward spouse who is remorseful, all in, and being accountable and doing the work needed.

The fact is, you don't have the slightest clue what you're trying to deal with or even get over! You can't reconcile what you don't know and with a wayward spouse who isn't all in, or even attempting anything other than wanting to rugsweep and do the bare minimum to shut you up and make this all go away. What I see, is that to him you're a wife appliance, and not much more. I have to wonder who may be getting "the best" of him? Cause it's certainly not you.

Your doubts and uneasy feelings are NOT WRONG! Your gut and intuition is screaming at you for a reason!!! Take heed and listen to it, not your deceptive and deceitful husband! You're so focused on his "emotional cheating" on social media that you can't seem to see the forest through the trees. Why do you for one moment believe he isn't physically cheating on you? Because he told you so? Please... Cheaters lie.. a lot. Then they lie some more.

Your husband's complete lack of empathy and cold treatment towards you (both emotionally AND physically) before and after finding out about his cheating speaks volumes. Don't listen to what he says (because the words of a cheater are meaningless) and instead watch what he does. His ACTIONS not his WORDS are what you need to judge him by. If you do this you'll see what many of us see, and that's the fact that he's failing miserably!

I think he's completely checked out and detached from you emotionally and physically because he's more than likely investing that energy with someone else. He should be bending over backwards to try and repair the damage he's done and to assure you he's commited to you and your marriage only, and doing all he can to be transparent and to make you feel safe. He's not because you and your marriage aren't his priority.

You said in one of your other posts that he didn't want you going camping with him (said you'd be a buzzkill for him in so many words). My jaw dropped when I read that. That and other things you've written make it sounds to me like he doesn't like having to spend time with you outside the home all that much. Doesn't this have your alarm bells ringing? It should! Don't you seriously wonder if you've been replaced in that regard. You so sure he's off camping with family? Or even camping at all and not in a hotel or at an AP's home?

You also stated that he was pushing you away when you tried to initiate contact and intimacy. Why do you think that is? I'm sorry but with the story you've laid out I see big red flags flying all over the place. I think your husband is having a physical affair as well as the online crap he's pulling. He may just be hooking up and having sex or he may have a specific "Other Woman" that he's fully invested in.

I guess the bigger question is what do you plan on doing about it? It's obvious you're being absolutely torn apart by lack of knowledge and certainty. Can you live this way for the rest of your life with him (or at the very least until that soul crushing DDay 2 occurs)?

Personally, if it were me, I'd be getting to the truth of the matter by way of a discreet and thorough investigation. Eyes open, mouth shut! I'd be hiding a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car and wherever he spends the most time on his phone in the house. I'd need to know definitively what I'm dealing with to be certain it wasn't a dealbreaker before I would ever consider offering the gift of reconciliation.

Look at how badly he's broken you over what you "think" was an emotional affair carried out online. What happens if you rugsweep and "forgive him" only to find out 6 months from now that he has an AP locally that he's been having sex with and taking out around town behind your back, and never stopped doing so?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
OP, I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in the situation your husband has put you in, but a few 2x4's are coming your way regardless because you desperately need them.

I've read back through all your posts and for the life of me can't understand why you would believe a single word of the absolute B.S. your cheating, gaslighting, blameshifting, unremorseful and unrepentant, POS husband is spewing from his lying lips. You need to stop being such a doormat and stand up for yourself! You have to be willing to lose your marriage if you want to try and save it.

Lace up your b*ch boots and go nuclear on his a*! Demand the respect and accountabilty you deserve and are entitled to! You can't "nice him" back into your marriage. You're playing the "pick me dance" and twisting yourself into knots to try and fix what you didn't break. That NEVER works! It only leads to further DDays and more heartache for you.

If your husband isn't willing to move mountains to prove to you he's all in and "gets it" you had nothing to work with anyhow and your marriage is already over. You're responsible for 50% of whatever problems your marriage had, but he's 100% responsible for his cheating! You need to enact clear boundaries and consequences if he breaks them, and mean it by following through! Unless of course, your plan is to go along with what he wants and rugsweep the whole thing, and continue to let him walk all over you and turn a blind eye to his cheating?

I find it truly sad and disheartening that your first post was one month ago (so your DDay just happened) and you're already talking about needing to be at peace, to stop obsessing, and wanting to reconcile and get over this???? Are you f***ing kidding me? Aww, hell no!!!! It's commonly stated that it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to reconcile after cheating happens in a marriage and that's with a wayward spouse who is remorseful, all in, and being accountable and doing the work needed.

The fact is, you don't have the slightest clue what you're trying to deal with or even get over! You can't reconcile what you don't know and with a wayward spouse who isn't all in, or even attempting anything other than wanting to rugsweep and do the bare minimum to shut you up and make this all go away. What I see, is that to him you're a wife appliance, and not much more. I have to wonder who may be getting "the best" of him? Cause it's certainly not you.

Your doubts and uneasy feelings are NOT WRONG! Your gut and intuition is screaming at you for a reason!!! Take heed and listen to it, not your deceptive and deceitful husband! You're so focused on his "emotional cheating" on social media that you can't seem to see the forest through the trees. Why do you for one moment believe he isn't physically cheating on you? Because he told you so? Please... Cheaters lie.. a lot. Then they lie some more.

Your husband's complete lack of empathy and cold treatment towards you (both emotionally AND physically) before and after finding out about his cheating speaks volumes. Don't listen to what he says (because the words of a cheater are meaningless) and instead watch what he does. His ACTIONS not his WORDS are what you need to judge him by. If you do this you'll see what many of us see, and that's the fact that he's failing miserably!

I think he's completely checked out and detached from you emotionally and physically because he's more than likely investing that energy with someone else. He should be bending over backwards to try and repair the damage he's done and to assure you he's commited to you and your marriage only, and doing all he can to be transparent and to make you feel safe. He's not because you and your marriage aren't his priority.

You said in one of your other posts that he didn't want you going camping with him (said you'd be a buzzkill for him in so many words). My jaw dropped when I read that. That and other things you've written make it sounds to me like he doesn't like having to spend time with you outside the home all that much. Doesn't this have your alarm bells ringing? It should! Don't you seriously wonder if you've been replaced in that regard. You so sure he's off camping with family? Or even camping at all and not in a hotel or at an AP's home?

You also stated that he was pushing you away when you tried to initiate contact and intimacy. Why do you think that is? I'm sorry but with the story you've laid out I see big red flags flying all over the place. I think your husband is having a physical affair as well as the online crap he's pulling. He may just be hooking up and having sex or he may have a specific "Other Woman" that he's fully invested in.

I guess the bigger question is what do you plan on doing about it? It's obvious you're being absolutely torn apart by lack of knowledge and certainty. Can you live this way for the rest of your life with him (or at the very least until that soul crushing DDay 2 occurs)?

Personally, if it were me, I'd be getting to the truth of the matter by way of a discreet and thorough investigation. Eyes open, mouth shut! I'd be hiding a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car and wherever he spends the most time on his phone in the house. I'd need to know definitively what I'm dealing with to be certain it wasn't a dealbreaker before I would ever consider offering the gift of reconciliation.

Look at how badly he's broken you over what you "think" was an emotional affair carried out online. What happens if you rugsweep and "forgive him" only to find out 6 months from now that he has an AP locally that he's been having sex with and taking out around town behind your back, and never stopped doing so?
I understand what you’re saying and I do appreciate you opening my eyes to it . I know the fact that he still could be lying .
I know it’s probably not wise to trust he’s telling me the truth . The fact here is that after 20 plus years of marriage the idea of just dumping the marriage is not that easy.
may this point also ., I have no solid proof of anything. Apart from catching him follow women online. I have no hard evidence of infidelity to raise in the decision to leave the marriage .
at this point it’s my suspicion and speculation .
do I have doubts ? YES .But is having doubts and speculation justified to end a marriage ? i am opting to try to figure things out here . To see if there is something worth saving . If not then yes of course I wouldn’t stick around.
At this point the past 3 weeks have been trying to work with us and like I said that has been doing better . We’re spending more time together and connecting better than before .
yes I still don’t trust and I’m still battling to let go but that’s part of resolving and learning to see whether this will all work or even whether it’s worth saving
A marriage is a lot of things and sometimes it’s not just about giving up .. sometimes it’s also learning to make alterations because life , time , everyday changes it … marriage is never the same as when we entered it , it evolves and sometimes we also have to along with it .
I understand fully well most people would just leave the situation. I’m hurt yes , I’m still battling the pain and still trying to sort it out .
I appreciate your sentiment and understand how you’re showing me this ,believe me I do …
 

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Apparently you are upset because your husband has 100+ "questionable" friends on social media & he likes their swimsuit pictures. To me that is not even an EA. It's a guy being visual. It's not more real then him looking at a dirty magazine. Men are visual creatures & these women are probably beautiful. I get it. At middle age my slim body changed & I'm carrying around a few extra pounds so when I see skinny 20 somethings like I used to be, I get upset. That doesn't mean every time my husband looks at a younger woman or even talks to one that he's going to leave me.

Try remembering that so called EAs are conversations. Yes, they are conversations that cross a line because in a marriage your primary source of emotional support should be your spouse, but still IMO it's way easier to come back from an EA, then a PA. As long as you are certain it was only an EA, put it out of your mind. Now spend more of your time taking up your spouse's time & giving them the emotional support they sought outside.

Rather than fretting about what your husband said, who he flirted with or whose picture he liked, spend time addressing your anxiety & building your self esteem. Don't beg or chase him. Instead be interesting. Have a life & opinions. Make yourself more attractive by liking yourself more. Plan things so he has less time to play on social media & get more engaged with each other.
 

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Rather than fretting about what your husband said, who he flirted with or whose picture he liked
Exactly right here. Even if there is more, how is that possibly going to make you feel better? If you're making the decision to stick to your marriage then you just have to bite that bullet and do it. Or don't. It will never be like it was before, but that doesn't mean you can't have a fulfilling relationship. MANY MANY people do it every day contrary to popular belief. It's not for everyone, but there are some marriages and types of love for one another that can sustain their bond even after such an event. It's your choice alone sister. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Apparently you are upset because your husband has 100+ "questionable" friends on social media & he likes their swimsuit pictures. To me that is not even an EA. It's a guy being visual. It's not more real then him looking at a dirty magazine. Men are visual creatures & these women are probably beautiful. I get it. At middle age my slim body changed & I'm carrying around a few extra pounds so when I see skinny 20 somethings like I used to be, I get upset. That doesn't mean every time my husband looks at a younger woman or even talks to one that he's going to leave me.

Try remembering that so called EAs are conversations. Yes, they are conversations that cross a line because in a marriage your primary source of emotional support should be your spouse, but still IMO it's way easier to come back from an EA, then a PA. As long as you are certain it was only an EA, put it out of your mind. Now spend more of your time taking up your spouse's time & giving them the emotional support they sought outside.

Rather than fretting about what your husband said, who he flirted with or whose picture he liked, spend time addressing your anxiety & building your self esteem. Don't beg or chase him. Instead be interesting. Have a life & opinions. Make yourself more attractive by liking yourself more. Plan things so he has less time to play on social media & get more engaged with each other.
Yes that is what I am trying to do with re connecting or trying to rekindle that part of what we’ve lost through 20’plus years of marriage.
And it’s not the looking or liking — I understand that is similar to looking at magazines.
My issue was he went and APPROACHED one of these women , at least I only know of one because she is a friend of my friend —- he messaged her specifically to say hi and chit chat … what business does he have doing that ?
THAT is my main issue because who knows what conversations went on , how often … he told it’s nothing but do I know if that’s true ? He definitely could not be telling me this thing in it’s entirety.
I have no issues with my own self esteem… but something like this is sure knock anyone off their feet .. right ??
When you man strays to talk to another woman even if it’s not physical , it’s beyond JUST LOOKING
 

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Savannah, you are clearly not sure if you know the truth. In your position I would make sure he gets a polygraph test. They are not 100% accurate but it may lead to him telling you more if there is more to tell. Think carefully about what questions you ask.
 
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