Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 31 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So here I am... moved from CWI to here. 14 months past D-day LTA and have been fighting like mad for my marriage. I love my wife dispite our troubles (maybe somewhat depended, i think). I have been working on my self physically and mentally, lost 35 pounds, in good shape, and I have realized that I have the power to change ME, and that I can do absolutely NOTHING to change my wife, if she doesn't want to her self.

I have become very good at seeing things the way they are and accept the things that I cannot change.

We/she have the following issues left, i guess:
* She does not want to talk aboult feelings, relationship or her affair anymore (only seldom, from time to time and not without being visibly anoyed)
* She does not want IC for her, she says she has learned her lesson and won't do it again. Yet, she is not aware of the underlying reasons and personal traits that enabled her cheating.
* Disrespect. I heard her tell her FF that she is going through all this just for the children (we have two)... WTF...? Nothing at all about loving me etc.

Now, yesterday late evening and night, we had an incident where she refused to talk. I took a walk, angry, and spend half the night speculating. What is it that I want from a relationship? Certainly not this. I need someone to talk about feelings with! And I need her to change in this matter in order ti succeed. And yet she won't.

So, I accept it, and must remove my self from this unsatisfying matter. I decided to divorce her. I would spend the weekend to clarify the process, possibilities and obstacles. Kids. Finances.

But then, this morning she rushes to get some paper and writes me a letter in handwriting. Saying that she is sorry about her reaction yesterday, and that she can't take another 14 months like this, talking and being reminded about her failure. That we are just different types, I want to talk, she doesn't etc. And that I should consider if I can live with the person who hurt me this bad.

But she also writes, that she loves me, that she so much hope for us to be able to get through this and have a joyfull life together, like we always had - it was the perfect marriage... :mad:

So now I doubt myself :confused: - how cool is that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
Have you thought of trying this.

Instead of talking about everything, write her a letter with your questions and ask her to write back.

Tell her how wounded you are that she told someone that she's just going through the motions for the kids. That you DESERVE to have someone in life who treasures you, and she needs to honestly look inside and see if she can be that person.

Writing frankly takes more effort than talking. She has to think about her answers. Or, if she doesn't, and she refuses to engage in this exercise, too, that will just be the nail in the coffin.

I reached this point with my husband (he was in a long-term emotional affair). What I finally learned to do was to save up my questions and ask them together; try to skip a day here and there talking about the affair completely; and if I just couldn't stand waiting to ask a question, I'd announce it by saying, "I have to ask you this," to allow him to mentally prepare for a question about the affair.

However, if she is telling other people she's doing it for the kids, that is a very bad sign. I KNOW that if my husband said those words I'd have to file for divorce. I'm not sure how I could mentally erase that. It would haunt me more than anything he actually did in the affair.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Thanks, I actually spend the day writhing a long letter to her in which I explain my doubts about her motives. I also present to her my dream partner, and ask her if she can be that woman.
Question is, do I tell her that I actually decided for D now that I am not certain my self?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
637 Posts
If you tell her about the divorce now, she might just write it off. You need to give her a chance to respond to your questions/desires first.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
If you tell her about the divorce now, she might just write it off. You need to give her a chance to respond to your questions/desires first.
I guess I know that deep down - it's just that I have been waiting for her to take some action for 14 months now... it's so frustrating, and I am so tired of keeping my guards up all the time wondering if she loves me or not. Just so tired. And sad... it's just so not fun.

Cheating isn't the best sign of love to begin with :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
I guess I know that deep down - it's just that I have been waiting for her to take some action for 14 months now... it's so frustrating, and I am so tired of keeping my guards up all the time wondering if she loves me or not. Just so tired. And sad... it's just so not fun.

Cheating isn't the best sign of love to begin with :(
Here is the thing. Pretend there was no cheating. When there are problems in a marriage, the two parties MUST let their guards down and reveal their inner vulnerability to each other.

I never kept my guard up to my cheating husband that way. I didn't break down and cry and beg for the marriage, ever, but I guess that's because I just have a very strong view that he is the one who cheated and made the stupid choice. Every decision he makes is HIS choice. I can't control him.

But I always told him that he was the love of my life and I wanted the marriage to work. I've showered him with love, I MADE myself do that, once I was certain that the affair was over and they were no longer in contact.

I still had tough conversations where I had my questions about the affair answered.

There has to be a marriage to come back to if you cheat. This is the choice that the BS has to make. Are you going to punish them forever? What is left for them to be loyal to? And yes I know this seems outrageous because THEY were the ones who screwed it all up.

I found that there was no room for my husband's remorse until I was able to control and dissipate my anger and stop questionning him constantly.

My husband sent me an email that stated simply:
iheartlife,

I have not tried to minimize it. I lied to you about whether or not I was in contact with [the AP] – lied to you about having an affair. I will always regret having the affair and so lying to you.
and for some reason once he said that, I was able to move on and work with him to restore our marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Here is the thing. Pretend there was no cheating. When there are problems in a marriage, the two parties MUST let their guards down and reveal their inner vulnerability to each other.

I never kept my guard up to my cheating husband that way. I didn't break down and cry and beg for the marriage, ever, but I guess that's because I just have a very strong view that he is the one who cheated and made the stupid choice. Every decision he makes is HIS choice. I can't control him.

But I always told him that he was the love of my life and I wanted the marriage to work. I've showered him with love, I MADE myself do that, once I was certain that the affair was over and they were no longer in contact.

I still had tough conversations where I had my questions about the affair answered.

There has to be a marriage to come back to if you cheat. This is the choice that the BS has to make. Are you going to punish them forever? What is left for them to be loyal to? And yes I know this seems outrageous because THEY were the ones who screwed it all up.

I found that there was no room for my husband's remorse until I was able to control and dissipate my anger and stop questionning him constantly.

My husband sent me an email that stated simply:


and for some reason once he said that, I was able to move on and work with him to restore our marriage.
Thank you for taking the time, your words mean a lot to me, and I agree with them all. Why I get so frustrated and confused is because of the somewhat mixed signals - and then afterwards refusing to talk about it.

I don't punish her for her deeds 14 months ago, it is the inconsistancy in her communication and actions today that makes it hard, I guess.

Or maybe I am just having a really bad day:(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,418 Posts
Leaving aside all the details -- this is one of the hardest experiences that a person can go through. Of course you are going to doubt yourself at times. You're going to hate yourself at times, you're going to hate her at times.

Please treat yourself with extra kindness and very little judgment...you are going through a lot.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #10

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Leaving aside all the details -- this is one of the hardest experiences that a person can go through. Of course you are going to doubt yourself at times. You're going to hate yourself at times, you're going to hate her at times.

Please treat yourself with extra kindness and very little judgment...you are going through a lot.
Thanks, and I know... I certainly know.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
I think what's got to me is that I finally manned up and drew the line, and then I had to watch myself crawl back again.
I guess I'm a little disappointed in myself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
what motivates you?

are the kind of guy who needs a drill sergeant or the kind of guy who needs encouraging words?
:) nice.
I guess that clear speech and understanding what the fvck is going on would motivate me.
I would like to see the light at the end of the tunnel just once in a while.
So that would probably not be the drill sergeant:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
I am... Thanks
I might add that I know that it's rug sweeping, she has always done that, her family did that, she doesn't know what else to do.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,994 Posts
so I'll forgo the man up crap



your wife is telling you that she doesn't feel up to facing what she did

I once told my wife that I don't hate her but rather I hate the choice she made

I'm sure some guys around here will think I was letting her off the hook but to the contrary I made sure that she knew that she had to atone for that choice and do what was necessary to make it right and that would be a long term project if she wanted to stay with me

I also told her that if she wanted to bail at any time to simply say so and we can at least say we tried and go our separate ways

she hasn't wanted to bail yet

I don't think your wife has the same disposition, the same drive or conviction to help you heal from her choice to cheat. Instead she laments that the children need a stable home, she needs security and things could be fine and wonderful if you would just stop beating her up over it. (IOW you should be the one to suck it up, because she's fine and dandy with it now, you're just a crybaby)

how incredibly selfish, at least you could respect her more if she said, "I can't do it, let's divorce"

but alas, she's a coward and will manipulate you into getting her way in the best way she knows how

you've been here for 6 months now, you know the differences between remorse and rugsweeping. If you rugsweep this will be guaranteed to rear its ugly head again, she will either cheat again, or she will bail when the kids are adults or you will break down into being a head case from the suppressed feelings of paranoia and not getting what you need/want from her
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Thanks AR, you are 100 percent spot on, but I just don't like it. Arrgg...
I think we are starting to see the end of the rope. And yet, I still hope she'll cave in eventually, but probably not, I guess.
But I can tell for sure that one of us will bail out very soon. I know I am starting to consider it an option for real for the first time in all these months.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
wake up sleepy head

self-denial isn't pretty
and lack of action led Hamlet and 90% of the cast to their demise
:rolleyes: Yeah yeah, but it's a start that I see it clealy now at least... I know it's wishfull thinking. So... I am getting there, but slowly - I hate making mistakes :) Especially about this one.
 
1 - 20 of 31 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top