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Discussion Starter #1
I feel that I am growing obsessed with my wife.. We have been married for 8 years. We have been having problems for a year... She feels that I did not love her in our first few years of marriage... I worked a job that kept me stressed.. Even tho I had a high sex drive, when it got dark.. I was out like a light!! (still fall asleep when it gets dark)... So she felt rejected.. I am also guilty of not pulling my weight around the house... I'm no cleaner... When I came home, cleaning was not on my mind. She would clean house while holding a part time job. We had our first child and shortly after... I messed my leg up... was out of work and close to bed ridden for a few months... She fell right in there and took it like a champ... one year later he had our other child.. She would talk to me telling me my short commings.. I would write it off as nagging.. I knew I wasn't doing my part in cleaning... 2 years ago I begain to realize that the degree of cleaning she wanted was important to her.. I began trying to pull my share... She is OCD for a clean house.. she can't even get the house to her liking.... Don't get me wrong... it isn't just my cleaning the house but I was slacking on my chores... I have a one tracked mind... anyways.. last year she had a break down... She wrote me a letter... She said she felt trapped... she wanted out... I asked her if there was someone else... she says that she doesn't know... I asked if she had cheated... She said no but, there was a customer at work that she had been talking to.... That crushed me (I now feel that she just had her feelings all mixed up and there were no romantic feelings for this guy... but it changed me!)... I once had her on a pedestal and thought we were immune to our feelings drifting... I knew something was wrong for over 6 months... We had sex but it seemed to be just sex... I was not getting that emotional connection... The sex did not do enough for me.. I needed more... and yet I still felt empty... After the letter... I dropped all of my hobbies... I focussed on making cleaning my desire... We are fine on all areas that I know.. all but sex area... she doesn't desire sex anymore... She still jokes and cuts up about sex... and we talk about sex... sometime my drive is high... I understand feelings take time.. I'm fine with that... but she dont care if she desires more sex... she just says she will work on desiring sex... but you can't work on desiring sex if you dont care if you want it more... Now to the obsession... I have been obsessed with her for a couple years now... before last year I thought I was doing good on all of my short commings... I go to work and I think of things to be doing with her (not all romantic or sexual). now it is becomming more sexual... I try to deny myself sex with her or thinking about it... but when I'm with her doing what ever.. she turns me on... for the last month I probablly wanted sex everyday... I would make sure I did not ask more than twice per week... she knows that I am dening myself... but is killing me!!! It still feels like rejection... I want her to be happy more than me having sex but, I can't make myself forget about her with out trying to loose love for her... I dont want to loose love for her... Any ideas?
 

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d0cking, one of the things that strikes me as I read your post is that you two are mirroring each other. I'm not sure how well I can explain what I'm hoping to say here, so please bear with me.

You said how important cleaning was to her. It sounded about the same as how important your sex life is to you.

You said how you blew it off for a long time, and then you dropped your hobbies and "focused on making cleaning your desire." Now you want her to focus on making sex her desire.

But then you go on to say, "but you can't work on desiring sex if you don't care if you want it more." Is this true? Did you really care about wanting the house cleaner? Or did you do this purely because of something else you cared about, like love or keeping a relationship together?

The second thing that struck me is that it sounds like you two would benefit from the ideas in the 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. It sounds like "acts of service" is your wife's primary love language. When you weren't doing chores and helping her, she felt unloved. Your primary love language is probably touch.

You feel like she's just "going through the motions" sexually, and it feels like "just sex" instead of having that emotional connection. When you do housework and chores, it might feel that same way to her. Is this the only way that you offer "acts of service?" If that's her primary love language, the more things you do that aren't even related to the house, the more she will feel loved. Washing her car, for instance, or getting grocery shopping done, or running a bubble bath that she can sink into. Or simply asking, "How can I help?" when she is working on something around the house. As Drover said, this shouldn't be something that looks needy to her. Let her know that you're doing it because you want to, not because you want her approval.

I suspect if you adopted an attitude that helping her IS the purpose for your life with her, you'll find her coming around sexually and making that emotional connection again.
 

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I agree 100%!! I know that I am comming across somewhat needy... It is not just the house cleaning that I am doing for her. She has a hobby that she enjoies... I make sure it happens, which I always have. I try to make her life a stress free as possible... As far as diverting my interest... How can I if she is making sex jokes or trying to dress sexy... Take for instance... she is on her way to my work right now... She is wanting to go shopping for her some new clothes... She likes to try on the really sexy clothes... She will make a few sexual innuendoes.. I will get my interest peaked... we will working together tonight and will not get home till late... My desire will be peaked!!! I am trying to be less aroused (or needy)!! As far as I know we do great together. She told me that when we were married for the first few years... she prayed that I would desire her and want to be with her all of the time... Guess she got what she prayed for.. Be careful what you pray for I guess.
 

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Guy, why are you cleaning so much? You bust your a$$ working full time and then you have to clean after work too?!? She works part time and I think that she should do all the cleaning! Man up and stop kissing her arse so much. It seems the way you have played it, cleaning more, doing more stuff, she has lost respect for you. And you bust your arse, clean, clean, clean and little sex...wow! If she were my wife, I'd invite her to seek another man, like that customer that she is EA'ing with now! Man up, sprout some balls, don't be henpecked!!
 

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Guy, why are you cleaning so much? You bust your a$$ working full time and then you have to clean after work too?!? She works part time and I think that she should do all the cleaning! Man up and stop kissing her arse so much. It seems the way you have played it, cleaning more, doing more stuff, she has lost respect for you. And you bust your arse, clean, clean, clean and little sex...wow! If she were my wife, I'd invite her to seek another man, like that customer that she is EA'ing with now! Man up, sprout some balls, don't be henpecked!!
I could say that I agree if I was trying to do everything.. But, I'm not. I feel that I am manning up by seeing a problem and stepping up to fix it. I would agree if laid around and watched soaps all day... She takes care of the grass (that is what she loves), buys our groceries, writes out the checks for our bills, cooks most nights (4/5 of the time). Cleans the house (cleans the kitchen floor with a white wash cloth by hand 3 or more times till the cloth is white), vacuuming twice per week and shampooing once per month... And if that is not enough... She takes care of two little girls... The sad part about the deal... It took her having a hystarectamy and complications plus shoulder surgery and back trouble all in the past 2 years before I realized the wife I have! To be honest... I would have left my tail a long time ago. So I understand her not wanting sex from me... It just hurts that I have been trying for two years and busting my tail for one and she is not concerned that she could not care less that she don't care... I feel I would be ok if I felt she wanted that part of our marriage to be better.. If I felt like she was there wanting me during or sex... I think I crave her sexually so much is because it is so empty.. Leaving me feeling worse..
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You do understand that it's not sex she doesn't like, don't you? It's sex with YOU she doesn't like. I have no doubt that I'm right.

180 time. And get over your obsession. She will NEVER have the same feelings for you again.

Google "walk away wife". It might hit home.
 

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You do understand that it's not sex she doesn't like, don't you? It's sex with YOU she doesn't like. I have no doubt that I'm right.

180 time. And get over your obsession. She will NEVER have the same feelings for you again.

Google "walk away wife". It might hit home.
I'm not sure... Since we had our last child... She hasn't wanted to masterbate.. When she had her hysterectomy, she had a complication that caused her to have pain during intercourse.. Even if she initiated it... You may very well be right... But, right now I'm going to say your not... As much as I want her to stay.. I told her she can leave if she isn't going to want to fix our relationship.. Who knows.. I wake up tomorrow single.. But I'm done with the late night talks and waking up with the puffy eyes.. It would crush me but I know I will live... I say all of that then I tense up to fight back the tears... Knowing I would fight again if it would help.
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Ok.. I read the "walk away wife"... I'm trying really hard not to press her... I don't know how I will be able to keep my mouth shut while my heart breaks... I don't want to be jaded...
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Ok... I hear ya... I guess the first step would be me not dwelling on my problem.. I have noticed that just me posting as much as I have today... Has began to slip me into a depression.. And she has noticed... Luckily I've not been feeling well so I can cover it up. Thanks for everyone's advise.. I will post back any changes.
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This sounds like me 3 years ago. Dang, I can't believe it has been that long. I did everything to try to "fix" it. Trust me, doesn't work, my friend. I wish I could sit here and write about all of the things I should have done rather than waste my time becoming a complete and total idiot but no one wants to read a novel.

If you are cleaning and doing things in order to get a response from her then I sure hope you are a patient man. It's not going to happen. You need to do those things because you want to, not because you think it lead to you getting what you want.
 

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Having a hysterectomy causes a lot of changes in a woman's hormones in addition to the physical change. I've heard from numerous men that their wives went off sex after a hysterectomy even when pain was not involved.

D0cking, do you think she would agree to an arrangement where if one of you wants sex, the other will never say no, but can decide exactly what happens? She could opt for a b.j., a quickie, or something slow and teasing if you asked. For couples who agree to this, often they find that the low sex drive partner ends up enjoying themselves more and wanting to get frisky more often, while the high libido person finds that they are getting a little more and don't feel as anxious about it.
 

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This sounds like me 3 years ago. Dang, I can't believe it has been that long. I did everything to try to "fix" it. Trust me, doesn't work, my friend. I wish I could sit here and write about all of the things I should have done rather than waste my time becoming a complete and total idiot but no one wants to read a novel.

If you are cleaning and doing things in order to get a response from her then I sure hope you are a patient man. It's not going to happen. You need to do those things because you want to, not because you think it lead to you getting what you want.
You are correct... Cleaning for rewards would not work... I understood a couple years ago that I needed to do more... And I did do more for her... I did do them because I love her... Which at the time I did not know how bad she was hurting... You see, that was about the time she stopped nagging... I thought I was making her happy... Last Oct. is when I learned different... After reading a lot yesterday... I think I know why I desire her so... Someone wrote that if you want to love someone, speak only the positive things about that person every time you get a chance... That is what I have done for years... I think I have her put so high on her pedestal. After reading some of this stuff... I understand why I get angry and snappy at times... Why that when I pick up the phone at work and certain customers voices I cringe! I have trained myself to hate... To hate certain people or certain interruptions... For years I did not think I had a problem... Yesterday I made the connection... So no matter how my wife and fair through this... I have problems to fix... I hope and pray she will be there through it all but if not I can still fix them... Will just take a little longer with out help...
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I will see if I can find the book... but can you explain about my attitude? I try not to talk to her about what I read... but she knows I'm reading and she is telling me that I am reading too much... telling me not to worry and it will be ok.. "lets see where it goes" ... So I've backed off and saying nothing.
 

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Her behavior denotes a severe lack of attraction for you. Attraction is not a choice and is heavily influenced by your behavior. You think you are doing what she wants but you have no idea, what she is telling you is not the core issue.

Probably because of how you and many others have been educated combined with how she (wrongly) rationalizes her lack of attraction and tells you have led down the wrong path. The wonderful services you provide build comfort and connection in a relationship.

The comfort side is very painful to break and that is what keeps couples together even in low attraction and low intimacy.

The natural behaviors that generated attraction in her once have been left on the wayside as the relationship progressed. This is amplified by likely hormonal changes in both of you as she starts producing more testosterone(manly) and you estrogen (womanly).

Items like self confidence, social mastery, strong initiative, master of your own reality, physically fit, strong leadership, unapologetic and confident sexuality naturally generate attraction.

I can assure you that most likely she has the potential to be quite sexual but due to extremely low attraction levels and no current attractive options influencing her she seems like she does not like sex.

There are a great deal more details to be explained that's why you need the book. You can get it in a couple of clicks on amazon cloud kindle reader. I strongly suggest you implement what you find in there. And very fast.

You are in deep trouble in your relationship and are likely one attraction spark from her walking away.

Once you are done with that material there are a few others that would help balance out your interactions. I will follow your thread for a while. If you are willing to do the work and read the first one we can move on to others.

 

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ok... I will get the book and read it... I am worried tho about her knowing that I am reading the book... We stressed on finances plus it is making her upset that I am reading the information... when she sees me reading something on this topic, it is as if I am pushing her... I am trying to stay away from that topic with her... There are other problems she is having with her family... and has for years... some has been bleeding over in our relationship for years... now she is dealing with loosing a grandparent... I am wanting to not crowd her or push any. Do you feel that I can risk her seeing me reading this book... I will have to read the paper back... we have no internet at home... I use this computer at work but reading is difficult with me doing my job. I have internet on my phone but I'm not sure reading on it would be an option ince I have trouble reading some of these post on there.
 

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The attitude of fear you are displaying towards her is one of the major factors contributing to her lack of attraction.

Her emotional reasoning is that if you cannot stand up to her, how are you fit to protect her.

That's one thing.

Furthermore most women are very pleased when their husbands are bettering themselves. Pleased and then threatened. it depends on her self esteem level.

I strongly advise to read the book out in the open, you can also tell her something along the lines of "I am making an effort to better myself and I am taking the steps to get and apply professional information on relationships. I want to be a better man."

Muster your willpower to be unaffected and undaunted if she expresses negative emotions on this issue. Most likely she does not believe you have the guts to stick with improvements and things will get worse before they get better. If you do a half hearted attempt and then buckle under her pressure it will reinforce her conviction that you cannot change.

I assure you that this will have been a passing phase and she will respond quite well after a time. Unless she has a psychological disorder or very low self esteem, neither of which I think is the case.
 

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ok... I am going to see if I can pick up the book at BAM at lunch today... She does have a self esteem issue... but she isn't too bad (i do not think) but since she has been hurt and sick, she has gained weight... It is really bothering her... I try to make her feel better.. but I know what I tell her means nothing right now... any tips on helping her there?
 
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