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I'm divorcing my wife because of this menopause... She turned EVIL and I can't handle it. I tried suggesting she see her Dr but I nearly died from that conversation. She used to be the smartest woman I know but now she's border line moron at times. It's very sad but I just can't deal with her anymore. Almost made it to 20 years too.
Sorry to hear your decision to divorce. I understand how hard it is on you. I really do. As a female i understand your wife even more. I read some people leaving what I think is really good advice. and some leaving some really bad advice. So i am not going to leave any personal advice. I just want to recomend #1 that you and your wife tell her doctor what is going on. Yes, you both need to talk to her Doctor. Talk to your wife ahead of time at a time when she is not flashing or moody. (there is a time) at a time like this with covid you may have to set up a phone visitation with her doctor. and make sure the doctor can hear both of your views on her condition (mood swings) your wife my not realize her actions.. #2 see a marriage councelor, dont throw away 20 years. again your wife may realize her actions and you may realize things you can do to help also.
#3. You may also be going through some changes that you dont realize. if your wife is going through changes your most likely are also. and deciding on divorce could be part of those changes. You may be in mid life mind set also. and inside of you, your having thoughts of being single and going out with other women again. more sex. etc. im not saying you are. im just throwing it out there that this is possible.
Im telling you this because i know, and i realized one day how i was reacting to my husband. and in my right state of mind. I told him. im sorry and thank you for putting up with me. but i get to where i cant stand you. i dont want you to look at me touch me, nor speak to me. its like i hate you more than anyone on this earth. But i knew it was not true. I did and still do love him so. Its just the change of life.
I did get some mild medication ( i will leave that up to your wifes doctor so not naming the prescription) but its very mild. and also our counselor recomended time apart. so my husband goes to his camp a lot and we have a lot of time apart. so i have my alone time, he also has realized he needed alone time.
and our conselor pointed out that i needed to give him his needs more often so i have gone to visit him at his camp (Booty call) and we are both loving it.
I see this passing. And i see us growing old together. but the change of life has been the hardest hurdle by far we have faced in our marriage.
Good luck whatever you decide. but please make sure the two of you have talked at a time your both in a good mindset and not beind controlled by the change of life mineset.
 

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I'm divorcing my wife because of this menopause... She turned EVIL and I can't handle it. I tried suggesting she see her Dr but I nearly died from that conversation. She used to be the smartest woman I know but now she's border line moron at times. It's very sad but I just can't deal with her anymore. Almost made it to 20 years too.
How very sad. You dont believe in for better and for worse then?
 

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So after nearly 20 years you are just going to throw in the towel and dump her because she is going through natural changes with hormones? I am sorry, that is just being weak.

Why not sit down with her and say we have been married nearly 20 years and I love you and want to make it another 20 years. But you are not the same cheerful lady I have loved for so many years. I can understand that you are going through changes and I want you to know that I am here for you. I am asking you to please see a female doctor for the both of us. I will be glad to go with you or you can go alone. I just want us to both be happy.

Dig up some tapes of her more happy self. Maybe that will help her realize how much she has changed.... But don't just up and leave.
Don't you think he probably tried that???? He describes her as EVIL and she won't seek any help. I'd leave a man who was treating me evilly, too, who refused to seek help for treating me terribly.

Why would you chastise someone for getting out of a terrible situation in which the spouse didn't give a **** about how terribly she is treating her husband?

Sometimes what people write here is completely depressing. Chastising someone for leaving an untenable situation. How unhealthy.
 

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Adding, becoming someone who is described as evil, treating your spouse terribly, not seeking help for that, isn't a "natural hormonal change".

It's a massive character flaw is what it is. Don't blame menopause, please.
 

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Not your story Ricks, go back to your old thread and continue that conversation and let the OP discuss his issue here.
 

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How very sad. You dont believe in for better and for worse then?
Not if someone refuses to go get help. I have tried to talk to friends/family and it is like a brick wall. They just refuse. So they continue to act like pathetic sometimes seemingly intoxicated individuals and will continue being a laughing stock in the office. But they dont think it is affecting them, so so they could care less how it affects others.
 

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I'm divorcing my wife because of this menopause... She turned EVIL and I can't handle it. I tried suggesting she see her Dr but I nearly died from that conversation. She used to be the smartest woman I know but now she's border line moron at times. It's very sad but I just can't deal with her anymore. Almost made it to 20 years too.
Really nice, dump her when the going gets tough. It is sad to see such ignorance about menopause and the different impact it has on women and their relationships. It might help men to educate themselves on this. The assumption is that she should just get over it, stop behaving badly etc. A woman handling her menopause is simply like asking a man to stop growing his beard and not to have one. The ignorance even among doctors is astounding, some prescribe drugs like Xanax when it is actually an underlying hormone problem that cannot be resolved overnight. For the women on here who have had an easy time of it, good for you I say but don't judge others who may not have had such an easy time.

I hope @Ricks, that you don't face any health issues moving forward and that your SO decides you are a lost cause and dumps you too. Research shows that women who are supported and understood by their spouses and discuss the issues and impacts surrounding menopause come through well and the marriage stronger. In addition, research also shows that if you have been a ****ty husband to begin with, then the chickens will come home to roost big time during menopause as the estrogen hormone (nurturing) drops. Women's testosterone increases and her usual tolerance for ******** drops significantly. That is why there are more women filing for divorce at this time of their lives than men. read The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, very eye opening.
 

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Adding, becoming someone who is described as evil, treating your spouse terribly, not seeking help for that, isn't a "natural hormonal change".

It's a massive character flaw is what it is. Don't blame menopause, please.
@Livvie, that is his take as her being evil. We do not have her side of the story, some objectivity needed here. In fact many women at this time want a resetting of boundaries as they no longer want to put up with the **** they put up with before. This resetting of boundaries doesn't go down well, I have experienced it in my marriage also. We are now at peace but i will not tolerate the crap I did before and he knows it. You need to read about menopause and they do not call it the "change of life" for nothing.
 

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Really nice, dump her when the going gets tough. It is sad to see such ignorance about menopause and the different impact it has on women and their relationships. It might help men to educate themselves on this. The assumption is that she should just get over it, stop behaving badly etc. A woman handling her menopause is simply like asking a man to stop growing his beard and not to have one. The ignorance even among doctors is astounding, some prescribe drugs like Xanax when it is actually an underlying hormone problem that cannot be resolved overnight. For the women on here who have had an easy time of it, good for you I say but don't judge others who may not have had such an easy time.

I hope @Ricks, that you don't face any health issues moving forward and that your SO decides you are a lost cause and dumps you too. Research shows that women who are supported and understood by their spouses and discuss the issues and impacts surrounding menopause come through well and the marriage stronger. In addition, research also shows that if you have been a ty husband to begin with, then the chickens will come home to roost big time during menopause as the estrogen hormone (nurturing) drops. Women's testosterone increases and her usual tolerance for **** drops significantly. That is why there are more women filing for divorce at this time of their lives than men. read The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, very eye opening.
My beard will not stop growing, but i pick up a razor at least daily. Same way a woman can find a Dr. that will prescribe HRT correctly and make it much less or just a speed bump in her relationship.

My wife was diagnosed mildly bipolar. Yeah right! Her oncologist called BS. She said there are soo many women mis-diagnosed as bi-polar when it is nothing more than their hormones are jacked up. Level up the hormones and it is smooth sailing. Unless she really is bat crap crazy...then you are screwed.
 

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Really nice, dump her when the going gets tough. It is sad to see such ignorance about menopause and the different impact it has on women and their relationships. It might help men to educate themselves on this. The assumption is that she should just get over it, stop behaving badly etc. A woman handling her menopause is simply like asking a man to stop growing his beard and not to have one. The ignorance even among doctors is astounding, some prescribe drugs like Xanax when it is actually an underlying hormone problem that cannot be resolved overnight. For the women on here who have had an easy time of it, good for you I say but don't judge others who may not have had such an easy time.

I hope @Ricks, that you don't face any health issues moving forward and that your SO decides you are a lost cause and dumps you too. Research shows that women who are supported and understood by their spouses and discuss the issues and impacts surrounding menopause come through well and the marriage stronger. In addition, research also shows that if you have been a ty husband to begin with, then the chickens will come home to roost big time during menopause as the estrogen hormone (nurturing) drops. Women's testosterone increases and her usual tolerance for **** drops significantly. That is why there are more women filing for divorce at this time of their lives than men. read The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, very eye opening.
@aine there is a difference between going through menopause and being disrespectful to your man!
My older brother had the same issue with his wife (my reply #13), he didn't do any thing at the start, because he thought is was the hormones doing its thing, he only took a firm stand after he visited her at work and found how pleasant and respectful she was with everyone, even at parties and events, but once she gets home she turns 180, he knew right away it's not a hormone problem, she was being disrespectful and taking him for granted!
If she can be pleasant and respectful and was able to control her emotions at work or in public she sure can be at home!
She was able to control the negative affect of her menopause everywhere but home!
He took a firm stand, and was ready to leave, it worked, because he knew if he tolerated this crap it will continue and it will never stop, she never disrespected him after that, which leads me to think that she was able to stop her bad behaviour from the beginning when her menopause started but she didn't care to, she took him for granted!

I have seen this sisterhood play out so many times here, where some women make excuses for other women's bad behaviour, there is no excuse for bad behaviour!

You said:
been a ty husband to begin with, then the chickens will come home to roost big time during menopause as the estrogen hormone (nurturing) drops. Women's testosterone increases and her usual tolerance for **** drops significantly. That is why there are more women filing for divorce at this time of their lives than men.
Same goes for women, the difference here is that many women don't want to be held accountable, they hate it!
And if a woman marries a ****y husband as you said, what does that say about her? She is probably from the same league as him (both are ****y)!
 

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Must admit I find it really tough and I don't think I'm taking the right approach.

At the moment, shes either sleeping or in a mood. Its like a black cloud following around the house.
Some of the stuff she comes up with - I just think "eh have you gone insane?"

She'll lose her temper at nothing. At random it seems. She seems to actually get a kick out of criticising me sometimes I'm sure.

She'll do or say things to me that, if I've said in the past, would cause holy hell. But she justifies it with "well you shouldn't have...." Eh?

Today she asked me something, I was in the middle of sorting the TV Sat box I said "one sec". So she repeated, I saig again calmly "yeh just one sec".
Shes off raising her voice "YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT AND CALM DOWN". "CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN, CALM DOWM".

Like WTF! Shes knows this winds me up so was just trying to get a rise out of me. Why I don't know? She can be a massive bully sometimes.....

I try to let a lot of stuff go, or at least, not let it escalate but I'm not the best. It just annoys me so much that shes constantly like this and causing an argument over nothing.... Yeh I know don't take it personally but sometimes.....

So any advice?
My wife had advantage of a close friend who had a total hysterectomy at a relatively young age and went on HRT afterward. She mentored my wife and in fact they used the same OB/Gyn for HRT. My wife experienced mood swings, being "snappy", hot flashes, libido swings, crying spells, the whole enchilada. She recognized that none of these were the "real her", and I knew the same. After snapping at me about something, she would come tearfully to me 30 minutes later asking forgiveness. IMHO a husband should empathize, sympathize and kindly respond. How many times did I come home from a bad workday and take it out on her and the kids? Wife didn't pack up and go to a motel in response, but treated me with kid gloves until I calmed down, feel regret for being such an a$$hole, and apologize to all of them.

Give your wife some slack, a soft answer turns away wrath. Some women sail through this with no issues but a lot of them struggle in my experience.
 

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Adding, becoming someone who is described as evil, treating your spouse terribly, not seeking help for that, isn't a "natural hormonal change".

It's a massive character flaw is what it is. Don't blame menopause, please.
I agree with you, mostly... but do you think there might be a tiny, miniscule possibility that it could be a massive character flaw + menopause? Or do we exclude the latter entirely, disregarding completely what the poster says? Asking for a friend and looking for my armour in the meantime... :)
 

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I agree with you, mostly... but do you think there might be a tiny, miniscule possibility that it could be a massive character flaw + menopause? Or do we exclude the latter entirely, disregarding completely what the poster says? Asking for a friend and looking for my armour in the meantime... :)
Like another poster said, while menopause is surely a trying time with physical challenges, a woman with good character will recognize if she is treating her spouse VERY BADLY because of it and will make sure it is addressed and dealt with, and will not be okay with continuing VERY POOR treatment of him. Some snappiness and grumpy behavior occurs with anyone during times in life, but most people are aware of what crosses a reasonable line in both intensity and duration.

As another poster stated, if one is able to reign in their behavior at work or in public or with friends, but feels free to treat their husband like **** "because menopause", that's just unacceptable.

Yes menopause is challenging but it is certainly not a get out of jail free card to be an asshole.
 

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I can think of one time in my marriage when my wife was having PMS (she generally doesn’t to the point where I’d notice based on her behavior) where she was a world class ***** and then apologized later when she realized it was hormone driven.

Keeping my fingers crossed her menopause is without serious issues when she gets there.
 

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@aine there is a difference between going through menopause and being disrespectful to your man!
My older brother had the same issue with his wife (my reply #13), he didn't do any thing at the start, because he thought is was the hormones doing its thing, he only took a firm stand after he visited her at work and found how pleasant and respectful she was with everyone, even at parties and events, but once she gets home she turns 180, he knew right away it's not a hormone problem, she was being disrespectful and taking him for granted!
If she can be pleasant and respectful and was able to control her emotions at work or in public she sure can be at home!
She was able to control the negative affect of her menopause everywhere but home!
He took a firm stand, and was ready to leave, it worked, because he knew if he tolerated this crap it will continue and it will never stop, she never disrespected him after that, which leads me to think that she was able to stop her bad behaviour from the beginning when her menopause started but she didn't care to, she took him for granted!

I have seen this sisterhood play out so many times here, where some women make excuses for other women's bad behaviour, there is no excuse for bad behaviour!

You said:

Same goes for women, the difference here is that many women don't want to be held accountable, they hate it!
And if a woman marries a ****y husband as you said, what does that say about her? She is probably from the same league as him (both are ****y)!

As I said, many men (and some women) don't understand it and it requires men who have empathy to do so.
I quote an extract from Dr Brizendine

Dr. Louann Brizendine (author of The Female Brain) says, “The mommy brain unplugs. Menopause means the end of the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits, the drive to tend and care, and the urge to avoid conflict at all costs." There are additional factors on top of fluctuating hormones that may contribute to a lack of communication and interest in sex.

What interests me in that is the 'urge to avoid conflict at all costs'. For myself, if my husband makes some comment, in the past I let it slide or try to be the peacemaker, now I wont. I am more aggressive now, I can sense it. The nurturing is gone completely, I am only interested in my work. In fact I have become more like him.

It is a real issue and nothing to do with "sisterhood" as you call it. This is typical of the dismissive misogyny exhibited by some on this website. The reality is some women have more testosterone now than before menopause and will not overlook stuff she would have before. If the power balance was in his favor previously, she will ensure things become more balanced.

@Kaliber Are you saying that you always treat your SO with the same level of respect you would your boss or colleague and do not show yourself warts and all ? That you have never come home after a crap day at work and taken it out on your spouse? If that is what you are saying you are lying or superhuman. the only place a spouse can really feel safe is with their SO warts and all.
In addition, your last line really says a lot about you. Using your reasoning, then all the people with issues on this site caused it themselves because they too are like their partners. Please, do you actually hear yourself!
 

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I try to let a lot of stuff go, or at least, not let it escalate but I'm not the best. It just annoys me so much that shes constantly like this and causing an argument over nothing.... Yeh I know don't take it personally but sometimes.....
So any advice?
Start secretly recording her outbursts, keep a diary noting time & date with details of incidents.
Go to your local citizens advice office and register for help.
Go to your local GP and ask for trauma/grief counselling.
Go to the local police station and make a report of the domestic violence (but ask for them to take no action)
Ask local social services, about the danger you feel your child may be in from your wife's mental problems.
You need your reports recorded at each location, you'll need to be insistent with the police, don't be fobbed off.
Don't make any of the reports about you, make them about you concerns over the possibility of her harming herself or your child. Nobody in the UK legal/social system cares about middle aged white men, but they better care about women and children else they risk losing their jobs.

When my wife started doing this (age 50) it quickly went downhill first from the rants (I didn't dry the dishes properly), to her having sex with other men, and making accusations of 'drunkenness and cruelty' to the police.
Her mental illness can soon become your divorce and loss of everything.
The UK family court is extremely harsh with men, you could soon be homeless, wifeless and childless.
Protect yourself and your child first, there is no guarantee your wife will ever get any better.

@Ricks, same with me after 30 years of marriage.
As a female nurse working in a 'women's problems' unit once said to me, "I've encountered a lot of women going through menopause, it many it causes permanent personality changes, sometimes small, sometimes large, but I've never met one that had changes for the better"
 

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I think that the advice to be empathetic and supportive works to a point, but when your wife's behaviour tips into being consistently abusive (rather than just a bit snappy at times) then it is no longer acceptable and empathy and supportiveness need to be replaced with clearly asserting boundaries and making sure that you and what you care about is protected.

As someone said up the thread, menopause can be **** for some women, but like anything else it cannot excuse abusive behaviour.
 

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Start secretly recording her outbursts, keep a diary noting time & date with details of incidents.
Go to your local citizens advice office and register for help.
Go to your local GP and ask for trauma/grief counselling.
Go to the local police station and make a report of the domestic violence (but ask for them to take no action)
Ask local social services, about the danger you feel your child may be in from your wife's mental problems.
You need your reports recorded at each location, you'll need to be insistent with the police, don't be fobbed off.
Don't make any of the reports about you, make them about you concerns over the possibility of her harming herself or your child. Nobody in the UK legal/social system cares about middle aged white men, but they better care about women and children else they risk losing their jobs.

When my wife started doing this (age 50) it quickly went downhill first from the rants (I didn't dry the dishes properly), to her having sex with other men, and making accusations of 'drunkenness and cruelty' to the police.
Her mental illness can soon become your divorce and loss of everything.
The UK family court is extremely harsh with men, you could soon be homeless, wifeless and childless.
Protect yourself and your child first, there is no guarantee your wife will ever get any better.

@Ricks, same with me after 30 years of marriage.
As a female nurse working in a 'women's problems' unit once said to me, "I've encountered a lot of women going through menopause, it many it causes permanent personality changes, sometimes small, sometimes large, but I've never met one that had changes for the better"

Have you considered you ex wife having other underlying issues or personality disorders?
 

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Really nice, dump her when the going gets tough. It is sad to see such ignorance about menopause and the different impact it has on women and their relationships. It might help men to educate themselves on this. The assumption is that she should just get over it, stop behaving badly etc. A woman handling her menopause is simply like asking a man to stop growing his beard and not to have one. The ignorance even among doctors is astounding, some prescribe drugs like Xanax when it is actually an underlying hormone problem that cannot be resolved overnight. For the women on here who have had an easy time of it, good for you I say but don't judge others who may not have had such an easy time.

I hope @Ricks, that you don't face any health issues moving forward and that your SO decides you are a lost cause and dumps you too. Research shows that women who are supported and understood by their spouses and discuss the issues and impacts surrounding menopause come through well and the marriage stronger. In addition, research also shows that if you have been a ty husband to begin with, then the chickens will come home to roost big time during menopause as the estrogen hormone (nurturing) drops. Women's testosterone increases and her usual tolerance for **** drops significantly. That is why there are more women filing for divorce at this time of their lives than men. read The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, very eye opening.
I am disabled and have been disabled before we got married... She changed a few years ago and I'm only suspecting menopause for her major change. She has refused to seek medical help or even talk to someone about it. I've given her years in this situation and it's gotten worse. I tried dealing with it but it's only getting worse. Her refusal to get help is why I want out. Our kids even see it and understand. Her hitting me also helped me make the decision to divorce her.
 

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I am disabled and have been disabled before we got married... She changed a few years ago and I'm only suspecting menopause for her major change. She has refused to seek medical help or even talk to someone about it. I've given her years in this situation and it's gotten worse. I tried dealing with it but it's only getting worse. Her refusal to get help is why I want out. Our kids even see it and understand. Her hitting me also helped me make the decision to divorce her.
Hitting you when you are disabled and possibly in a position of vulnerability is not on. Good for you that you have taken this step. Move on and do not look back.
 
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