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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

I've posted in Reconciliation with my full story - it goes on, of course, and I wonder how people in a separation deal with giving the person who left space, while hoping for a reconciliation.

I'm looking for specific tips, advice, attitudes, and ways to nurture myself.

He left two weeks ago and is going out with new friends, perhaps pursuing a relationship or at least sex, and very into that "2nd adolescence" you hear of, when one person leaves a relationship they felt trapped in.

I have never wanted to trap him, don't want to know, just want to preserve the love we have for each other and rebuild, something completely new if possible.

I just need to get through his horrible time of feeling lonely, cheated, betrayed, nauseous, jealous, the full nine yards. Below this I feel a love and connection for him that has never been so strong.

Thank you.
 

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Have you read anything on he 180?

My advice is linked to that - concentrate on yourself. Improve who you are and you'll become a more attractive person, to yourself (most important), to others and maybe to him. By the time you've spent some good time working on you, you may realize that you deserve better than someone who would do this to you (which I believe to be the case).
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
180 - meaning act like the split is a great idea? move on? i'm still in shock, not sure if the reverse psychology will work on him. my gut says he needs to know i'm here for him, because in relationship i was getting pretty hyped up on my own needs and frustrated that i wasn't hearing from him.

maybe the separation will give us a new platform to build a different relationship...

but yes, i should read about the 180. wanna summarize for me?

thanks lost in spaces
 

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Sorry that you're in this part of the forum, Lucy. I understand where you're coming from. I was there once, too. Are you in any kind of counseling or individual therapy right now? It would probably be a really good idea.

I agree with Lost's advice on looking into the 180 -- with the purpose of discovering you. That's really important at a time like this. It's difficult to look at where you are emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, if you're still in a lot of contact with him.

Another thing strikes me from your post. You might want to do a little reading on attachment vs. love. I think there's an instinctive reaction that happens at the time of a separation that one doesn't want, or was surprised by. It's almost like a drowning person fighting back, trying not to go under. It feels like the love feelings actually get stronger, even if the person who left is doing nothing to deserve it. In many ways, that's a sign of attachment, and that's different from love, though it's easy to confuse the two. You can find things online by googling. Here's just one article I found:

Is it Love? Is it attachment?


Specific tips on nurturing yourself? Think of things you wanted to do, but couldn't because of commitments, time demands, negative feelings from your spouse, etc., and DO THEM! Get out of the house, and get involved with people. If you have become isolated, take small steps like getting involved with volunteering for a cause you believe in. Take a class at a local continuing ed program. Get physically active. These things help in so many ways. It takes your mind off of what's going on in your marriage, it helps you to discover who you really are (which may have gotten lost over time), and in some cases, like exercise, you'll feel better mentally and physically.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks angelpixie - but I feel like I haven't lost over time what's important for me - except expressing my love for my husband. Of course I'm attached to him, too, and to our family as a unit of three, not two. And I love him too.

There is so much more awareness that needs to happen between us if we are going to move forward as effective co-parents, let alone ever having positive feelings towards each other.

But, I am planning on keeping my feelings to myself when in communication with my husband for the next little while - I have certainly been clear that I care and want to work with him.

I know that he's especially turned off by the fact that he thinks I'm not pursuing my goals, but I am, and I'll show him that. He's finding himself attracted to a friend of ours who is in the same field as he is, and he's made business plans with her. This part makes me feel like it's hopeless...

But I am going to treat myself better...get a massage, take my daughter to the hot springs, self-publish my almost finished book of poetry.

And yes, I am seeing a counsellor individually, and H has agreed to still see one with me together.
 

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Excellent! It sounds like you have some really concrete things that you're doing. Good on you for writing and looking to publish! It sounds like he may be in a bit of a 'grass is greener' fog, seeing this person who is in the same business, and isn't treating your writing as equal in importance. I don't know what you can do about that. That's on him. Some people are just very opinionated on what they think certain jobs or talents are 'worth.' But it's important to you, and if he cares, that should be enough for him to support you.

It's during these times of separation that we need to not just look at ourselves and the role we played in the state of our relationships, but to also look with an unbiased eye at our spouses. Just what is loving behavior? How should a supportive, understanding spouse act? What is an honest 'mistake' and what is a deliberate choice? These are the kinds of things that are also helpful to do when you are taking a break from contact with him. Journaling is invaluable for this. Is this person, the way he is now, really someone I want to be with? Am I basing my feelings on what he used to be like? What I hope he will be someday?

You've mentioned that you haven't been good at expressing your love for him. That may be true. But love and marriage is a two-way street. Don't let your guilt make you accept less than a loving commitment from him as well. If you don't see him taking equal action to work on your marriage, don't assume he wants reconciliation as much as you do. If there's anything I've seen here in my time on TAM, it's that you cannot force someone into staying married. If they have detached emotionally, you cannot trust what they say. It only really means anything if they're willingly doing the hard work necessary. Are they going to counseling because you're begging them? Are they suggesting books to read on fixing your relationship? Are they openly working with an eye to staying married, or are you hearing nebulous 'I don't know what I want' or 'I just need time to think?'

I really do understand. I wish I knew what I know now when I was first hearing my STBXH talk about separating. At the very least, just to not feel so alone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for your thoughts. I go back and forth feeling strong and capable and totally demoralized, crushed by him etc. Definitely not all I feel for him is healthy, but I know his faults pretty well and know that we can work with them, as with mine.

However, he's not giving me anything to work with, no "I don't know," and he's in counselling it would seem more to fix logistics with our daughter, not to talk. He's said he's willing to tell me "really why" he's doing this in therapy, though - just not to my face at home.

I can really see him moving on well without me, and part of me wants to make it so hard for him. I can't see myself moving on well either way - with anger or with acceptance. The thought of that stage makes me absolutely panic-filled and nauseous.

LOVE LOVE LOVE, it's what I've got to focus on. I so want him to be an intimate part of my life, not on the sidelines, seeing my daughter once or twice a week. I know that may mean nothing to him but at least I can voice it here, work through some of these feelings, hear feedback.

Thank you.

Ps. What do all the acronyms mean? WS? BS? STBXH? Help!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
PS. He's just so happy living the single life, I can see that. How will he ever see that there can be so much love and growth in a long-term relationship?
 

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WS -- Wayward Spouse
BS -- Betrayed Spouse
STBXH -- Soon to be ex-husband

There's a whole TAM glossary, and I'm trying to find the link for you.
 

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PS. He's just so happy living the single life, I can see that. How will he ever see that there can be so much love and growth in a long-term relationship?
He may not and you can't make him. He has to come to these realizations on his own. The best thing you could be doing during that time is concentrating on yourself.

Let him see you being happy too.
 

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That's because you are currently putting no effort into your own happiness.

It is HARD. I'm going through this right now too. But I'm choosing to do things that make me happy and, you know what? I'm happy about half the time right now. That is a hell of a lot better than I was a few weeks ago. Hell, even a few days ago.

But it was a *choice* I made to make the effort to try. It didn't just happen.
 

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baby steps miss lucy.

Have a good old cry when you have to...then take a deep breathe and go find one small thing you can do for YOU.


There are so many people here who have been right where you are...so lean on the TAMmers whenever you need honey.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I know it sounds pathetic but I want to be happy WITH him; he's totally interrupted that process (we had just started to see a counsellor to work on our issues).

If I could cry it would help... and I am having moments of calm - working on some creative projects...

But the raging inside is hard to handle.

He feels like another person to me, but someone that I still love at the deepest level, past all this crap he's foisting on me.
 

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I know it sounds pathetic but I want to be happy WITH him; he's totally interrupted that process (we had just started to see a counsellor to work on our issues).

If I could cry it would help... and I am having moments of calm - working on some creative projects...

But the raging inside is hard to handle.

He feels like another person to me, but someone that I still love at the deepest level, past all this crap he's foisting on me.
Are you in therapy ?

Yesterday you said you don't wanna hear of him , now you want to be happy with him !!!
 

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Lucy - it is an emotional rollercoaster where I have found I swing between sadness, anger, desperation, and vindictiveness. I am following the 180 approach and that has helped along with the IC, family support, and selected friends.

I saw your post on Reconiliation and you stated you wanted to scream "Why the hell are you doing this?" I have to keep biting my tongue because that's ALL I want to shout to snap STBXW out of this. I'm two months in, still living together, and it is getting better for me but it is still so very hard.
 
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