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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Today my stbx asked me to come into the marital home (where I no longer live as of July '12) and fix some computer problems. I was pleasantly surprised by the request, because she hadn't responded to email in a week nor answered a phone call for 6 months. So I agreed.

But 5 minutes in she came into the office in tears, "I need you to leave; I can't handle it."

She has consistently expressed over the course of our separation that she cannot stand to be near me because of intense emotional pain. She engages with our friends, laughs, chats, etc. She goes to the gym, volunteers at the kids' school. But any contact with me tortures her.

It has been 6 months now, and she seems to have not healed much since I left. I realize it takes a long time to heal after 11 years of marriage, but I really was hoping we'd at least be on cordial terms by now. I have been waiting to begin the divorce process until she was more ready, but I'm wondering if it may take several years before she is.

How long would you wait? Have you been in my shoes? In hers?
 

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My stbx and I were married for 20 years, together for 23, before he decided that he was no longer happy. We have been separated for 6 months now and it is still very difficult for me to see him or talk to him. To everyone at work, to my family, and to my friends I appear fine. And honestly I do feel fine most of the time but it is extra difficult when he is around. The pain is something I have to deal with. My pain is no longer his "problem" to "fix". All he can do is show me respect and treat me as fairly as he can during our separation and divorce. Filing would not increase or decrease that pain...so go ahead and file.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
My stbx and I were married for 20 years, together for 23, before he decided that he was no longer happy. We have been separated for 6 months now and it is still very difficult for me to see him or talk to him. To everyone at work, to my family, and to my friends I appear fine. And honestly I do feel fine most of the time but it is extra difficult when he is around. The pain is something I have to deal with. My pain is no longer his "problem" to "fix". All he can do is show me respect and treat me as fairly as he can during our separation and divorce. Filing would not increase or decrease that pain...so go ahead and file.
This is incredibly helpful. But I think you are more rational and amenable than my wife (although I remain hopeful she will come around).
 

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I feel your pain. 2 years ago my wife rekindled her feelings towards an old flame, met him 2000 miles from home, then claimed she did nothing wrong because they didn't do anything physical. I spent the last 2 years trying to fix things, all the while she kept in contact with him via Facebook, then went to see him again over Christmas on a trip in which she left me and our 5 and 2 year old at home.

I suppose for me it is easier, in a sense, she wants to file for divorce and is giving me the kids and most everything I want, at least there is no ambiguation about her wishes in all of this. Nothing requires me to file, I won't fight it, even though I think it is wrong and that she is a fool (the other man is married and will not leave his spouse).
 

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You have to stop feeling guilty and jut rip off the band aid. You tried MC, you've been separated for a while now. The longer you two remain in limbo, the more time it will take her to heal.
 

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Time- I don't know your entire story, were you the one wanting out. She is the BS, or left behind?

I can relate with her, and you alittle. I wonder if my husband will feel the way you do in the months to come. I told him when he moved out that I won't even entertain the discussiong at this time, and he feels so much guilt for his A and hurting me that he will wait until I am ready.

It has been 6 months since D day and 5 days since he moved out.....I am not ready yet, I still have hope for us, with time.

IS there hope for you 2? Someone said something on here that stuck with me....instead of looking at it in all the years you have had together that you will be thowing away, maybe you can look at it as all the future years you could have together being thrown away.....Just a thought.
 

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I would say that if you are dead set and absolutely certain that divorce is your only option, then please file ASAP. Because you are prolonging her hopefulness, limbo, and pain..I feel for her as that's the boat I'm in myself. Stop giving her hope and let her heal. Best to try and slowly reconcile of course if any possibility! I wish you both the best
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
We separated back in July '12 and I moved into a rented room with my best friend (who is also her brother). This was a result of a badly troubled married (she agrees), and because of a physical indiscretion on her part (she says I'm overreacting).

We tried MC, but in our first session she walked out and refused to go back.

In Nov '12 our 7 yr old was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes (which suddenly made everything else become a secondary concern). Her behavior toward me was appalling, and I decided the marriage was over: we weren't in MC and our relationship was just getting worse rather than better. When I told her this, she said we needed to try MC one more time.

In our 2nd MC attempt Dec '12, I repeated that I was done, which she did not take well. When I picked up the boys two days later, she tossed the diabetes meds bag out the door, spilling the contents onto the pavement. She is angry, obviously.

She then asked my brother-in-law to evict me from his house (in fact, she asked if she could have the pleasure of doing it herself). She is acting emotionally rather than rationally: I'm giving her 70% of my paycheck currently, and as soon as I move out of my rented room (2 weeks from now!) I'm going to need a lot more rent and she's necessarily going to get a lot less money from me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
She is trying to make you feel bad about her and so to get back with her.
DING DING DING!

We have a winner.

Any chance for R from your part ?
Yes, there is a chance. There was a much larger chance a year ago than now, though.

Now I would have to see such a dramatic change in her behavior that I no longer think it's realistic, so the chance is small enough that I think we should move forward and divorce.
 

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How many children do you have and how old are they?
 

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With all your cash time..I reckon next time ask her to hire a comp' expert herself and take yourself off to the movies with your kids.

love and peace
 
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