[staystrong]

I'm having a hard time not feeling utterly rejected.

For those who have been cheated on AND the spouse left you, how do you all deal with that? Especially the men out there - what do you tell yourselves?

 

[staystrong]

We hate the cheaters, but don't we also hate ourselves? It's a bad place to be mentally.

 

[TCSRedhead]

No, the BS' are not losers. Not all cheating situations are the same but I can tell you my BH is definitely not a loser. I would undo my decision if it were possible to take that pain away from him.

 

[Johnny blue eyes]

The rejection is the worst part for me. When you invest so much into someone and then find out they think so little of you, its an awful realization. I think its normal to feel like a loser because of it, but we are definitely not the losers in these situations..

 

[Ovid]

You'll feel like her trash until you disconnect. Then you'll see that you were the good one in the relationship and she's not worth having.

 

[staystrong]

TCSRedhead wrote:

No, the BS' are not losers. Not all cheating situations are the same but I can tell you my BH is definitely not a loser. I would undo my decision if it were possible to take that pain away from him.

It sounds like you stayed with him, though. That proves he didn't lose .. you came back and wanted to reconcile. My wife ultimately did not.

 

[Ovid]

The rejection is the worst part for me. When you invest so much into someone and then find out they think so little of you, its an awful realization. I think its normal to feel like a loser because of it, but we are definitely not the losers in these situations..

Think of it as an act of mercy. You were freed from sharing your life with a selfish person that could never share theirs.

 

[staystrong]

JohnnyBlueEyes wrote:

The rejection is the worst part for me. When you invest so much into someone and then find out they think so little of you, its an awful realization. I think its normal to feel like a loser because of it, but we are definitely not the losers in these situations..

Then why are we on TAM looking for support while the WS's and WH's are out there living it up?

 

[staystrong]

Think of it as an act of mercy. You were freed from sharing your life with a selfish person that could never share theirs.

It reminds me of things she said:

"You deserve better"
"I can't love you the way you need to be loved"
"I set him free and now he's happy" (referring to first husband)

Ugh.

I hear you Ovid. I hope I'll feel that sooner than later. People say it takes YEARS sometimes.

 

[Almostrecovered]

I even R'd and my confidence was left in tatters for a time period

it'll come back and you will be happy again some day

YOU ARE NOT A LOSER

 

[SomedayDig]

JohnnyBlueEyes wrote:


Then why are we on TAM looking for support while the WS's and WH's are out there living it up?

While I'm working on reconciliation with my wife, I can only say this: Nothing any one of us say here is going to change your perception and therefore feelings about your WS. She cheated on you and left you. There is no amount of stuff we can say to help you fill in that emotional hole that was ripped outta you. The only bit I can offer, and it's a small bit is that she is living in the land of Unicorns & Rainbows. A wonderful place where no one has boogers or farts or poops. It must be fantabulous to be there. The sun shines every day there. But...BUT...that cloud that she's playing in right now is just that. A f'ng cloud. It's as transparent as she and the lot of who choose to "live" there.

One day reality will hit her right in the face with a Mack truck. She's gonna come running and crying to you. Relish in the fact that by that point you will have moved on and created a much better you than she ever had. And make sure she never gets to enjoy it. Her momentary "living it up" is gonna suck when the rest of her life hits.

 

[Grey Goose]

You are not a loser and you will get pass this. I have not Rd with my WS and once I came out of the pain and humiliation and became the same strong individual I always was, he started to feel the pain. Now he wants what he can not have.

Focus on you and work on you. Forget them, they are not important in the process of rebuilding yourself. Get a hobby, find new friends and get out there. MAKE YOURSELF HAVE FUN, eventually it will all be just a horrible nightmare and you will smile again.

Trust me!

 

[life101]

My feelings:

Initial Stage (before the discovery of affair of WW):

Totally blamed myself for the break down of marriage. My IC and friends repeatedly told me not to take more than 50% of the blame. Couldn't control myself. Couldn't look in the mirror.

After initial discovery:

Kept blaming myself. Felt like a trash and degenerate. Didn't see myself as worthy of love and affection.

After things settled in:

Not going to take more than 50% of the blame for the break down of marriage and definitely no blame for the affair. Yes I understand that she was not getting everything from me that she wanted. But when she entered the union she knew what she was getting into. You don't get to change the rules of the game to suit your own end. The decision to cheat was entirely hers and I am not going to take any blame for that. Everybody has options and temptations, but we get married for a reason. If someone is too immature to understand that then may be she is not worhty of my love, affection, and devotion. The next angel in line is going to thank her in future and I will thank the OM for saving me from a life in hell. We have made a journey to hell and benn back. Never again.

 

[Ovid]

It reminds me of things she said:

"You deserve better"
"I can't love you the way you need to be loved"
"I set him free and now he's happy" (referring to first husband)

Ugh.

I hear you Ovid. I hope I'll feel that sooner than later. People say it takes YEARS sometimes.

It takes time, but if you let this experience teach you, you will become better and stronger. She will continue to be weak. That has ramifications that extend beyond relationships.

Read some of the older posts and their updates. You will see that in time the BS that grew from the experience became better and learned to live better as a result. The WS that does not R usually becomes miserable as a result of their own internal weakness.

 

[Kasler]

As long as you put that person at the center of your existence, you're going to feel like that.

You need to move on. You'll realize just whata crappy situation you were in, and that theres other people in the world to build a relationship with.

I'm certainly glad I did.

Nearly 5 years later I have a child with a new woman better in every imaginable way while shes been self destructive ever since I repelled her attempt to get me back 3 years after I left her for her cheating and lying.

I gain no satisfaction at her problems(I honestly don't give a sh!t about her problems ) but looking at her situation I definitely wouldn't call her a winner.

 

[iheartlife]

While I'm working on reconciliation with my wife, I can only say this: Nothing any one of us say here is going to change your perception and therefore feelings about your WS. She cheated on you and left you. There is no amount of stuff we can say to help you fill in that emotional hole that was ripped outta you. The only bit I can offer, and it's a small bit is that she is living in the land of Unicorns & Rainbows. A wonderful place where no one has boogers or farts or poops. It must be fantabulous to be there. The sun shines every day there. But...BUT...that cloud that she's playing in right now is just that. A f'ng cloud. It's as transparent as she and the lot of who choose to "live" there.

One day reality will hit her right in the face with a Mack truck. She's gonna come running and crying to you. Relish in the fact that by that point you will have moved on and created a much better you than she ever had. And make sure she never gets to enjoy it. Her momentary "living it up" is gonna suck when the rest of her life hits.

:iagree:


If I understand you correctly, she took up with a known cheater.

We ALL know how that story is going to end.


If you are still living in her country (in order to be near your children), and you were already having a tough time (in terms of work, finding friends, getting out and about, etc.), realize that some of your feelings right now are more about THAT than about her. You are in a tough and lonely spot but you have the power to change it.

Start working towards goals, whatever those are--if you're still in that country, aggressively seek out other people, friends, improve your language skills, sightsee, explore, do what you can to make this place your home and get you out of your four walls where you have too much time to dress her up into some perfect idol that she most certainly isn't.

You need to practice emotional detachment. You've been around the forum long enough...you need to go with the 180. You need to be the best person YOU know how to be. For yourself.

 

[Complexity]

Well I got laid like crazy after I left her. Wasn't looking for it but wasn't turning it down either

 

[CH]

NO, BS's are not losers. They are people who hold true to their vows and their word.

You're only a loser if you think you're one. Stay positive.

Being on the losing end, doesn't mean you're a loser. As long as you got that far, you've actually achieved something, it might not have been the outcome you wanted but at least you tried.

Giving up without ever trying is losing. And that's what alot of cheaters do, give up without trying 1st. It's so easy to give up and try to start over.

 

[TCSRedhead]

TCSRedhead wrote:


It sounds like you stayed with him, though. That proves he didn't lose .. you came back and wanted to reconcile. My wife ultimately did not.

Like I said, each case is different and reconciling is hard. I did not want to reconcile initially and wanted to walk away. My reason for having an EA wasn't that my husband was a loser. I was too wrapped up in myself and my thoughts and my needs (read: selfish/self-centered) to see what a great man I already had in my husband.

I consider myself very lucky to have been given another chance in this marriage but in no way did my choices/decisions reflect on my husband's worth.

That is the most painful part of this - knowing how much I have hurt him.

 

[iheartlife]

I'm going to take the bull by the horns--let's say she did think you were a loser and she was "trading up."

So who did she pick? In your words, someone with a track record of messing around. Someone who doesn't believe in commitment. Why commit, when you can have several women at your beck and call?

So she swears fidelity to you for life, but the second she gets bored, she finds a replacement?

This woman sounds like someone who I'd want to think that I'm a loser--a loser who believes in love, marriage, faithfulness, being a father, being a provider--yes, what a loser! Most women would KILL for a man with just some of those qualities.

Guess what--when a loser thinks you're a loser, you're even--wash your hands of them and walk away. Her body, her face, her voice, that's just the outer shiny package that is hiding narcissism, moral corruption, rot. She took a good thing and threw it away for a chance with a man who is no better than she is. She is the loser.