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My husband and I married this past May and his step daughter (who is 10) was a junior bridesmaid in my wedding. He has been around since her birth and she started calling him dad at age 3. His ex and him married when she was 4 against both parents wishes because neither one loved the other, they were marrying for the little girl. Their marriage was over before it started but he hung on because he was so attached to the little girl. While his Ex sat at home he got her involved in dance, softball, outdoor activities, girls scouts, etc. Unfortunately the little girl was around constant fighting and arguing and she developed a way to zone out of bad situations (which you see today). After they divorced the ex wife told my husband if he ever wanted to see her again he would have to pay child support (which he has no reason to since its not his biological child). There were rules and guidlines he had to follow and was limited to what he could do without approval from the ex first. (which I get because she is the parent/legal gaurdian etc... TOTALLY understand)

When I came around she was at that time 8 years old. Our relationship was very good and there was no drama for about a year. Anytime I tried to reach out to the Ex I was ignored and she would only go through my husband. She mentioned on a couple of times to him that she was jealous of me, threatened that I had a better relationship with her daughter and when she came to our house I needed to physically dicipline (which I was aginast because I was not about to step over that line). However, this started manipulation from the little girl toward me and the ex started telling the little girl she didnt have to listen to me or my husband. You can imagine what this started.

But his ex wife also has a reputation of having a camilleon (spelling??) personality. She changes every time she gets a new boyfriend. She has become a born again christian, got a tattoo and face piercing, One time she was miss socialite, the last boyfriend was Emo/punk and now she is with a sports fan so everything is Go LSU...From what I hear she always had a reputation with men ... if you know what I mean (preggo at 19). Since I have met my husband there have been 5 men and 2 have not exactly been very good to the step daughter. Without going into too much detail the daughter has mimiced some inappropriate (sexual) behavior to my husband that we had to stop then talk to her about and make her understand that wasn't how a lady acted. I'm assuming she saw from her mother. We also believe there has been some mistreatment from these boyfriends verbally and with proof physical abuse. The little girl has seen pshycotherapists and cousilors because of her temper, bad behavior, inhability to feel remorse and jeckell and Hyde personalities. there have been several times where the child has fallen to her knees pulled out her hair and scratched herself to the point of bleeding. She tells her mother she hates her and hates her life and when the little girl found out my husband and I were engaged her behavior toward me became vicious. Most of the time this happened when my husband was out of the room or house. I have lost my temper numerous times to the point where I wanted to slap her across the face but had to leave the house so I could avoid it. After we married everything because so out of hand the counselor suggested I go on anti-Anxiety to calm my nerves (which turned out to be worse than good).

Up until 2 months ago we were still paying the "child support" until our counselor told us we need to stop due to the fact that he should have never paid her money in the first place. Visitation stopped a new boyfriend arose and we recived texts from the ex wife saying "do not contact my daughter."

The little girl has a cell phone, kindle fire and contacts my husband every so often against her mother's wishes. When she finds out we get "I told you not to contact my daughter, you brought this on yourself so now enjoy your life and leave us to ours." The little girl doesnt understand why her mom wont let us see her. We have sent several reply texts saying her mother forbids us to see her and that one day when she is older we might see her again.

My husband is heartbroken over this little girl and now has started to hide the conversations from me and when I oversaw the text I flipped out on him in worries that it was going to start another fight with the ex.

My worry is that the ex is vengeful enough to slap a restaining order against us so I've been against him responding to the little girl. In his eyes she is his little girl but he is not her biological father, he has no right to continue contacting the little girl against her mother's wishes and I'm very worried that she will threaten through legal means to get my husband to leave them alone.... We are sending her a text tonight letting the ex know the little girl has been contacting us because I have said he cant have a secret relationship behind The Ex's back, ESPECIALLY since the little girl is a minor and he is not her father.

I'm trying to be supportive but I'm at the point where I dont want her around because of her viscious behavior toward me and the crazy ex drama. What to do?
 

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I need to add that I missed that part about you already telling the girl that the mother doesn't want you seeing her.

Try to remain calm when these occasions come up but try to get him to see that there really isn't anything he can do. He has to stop contact with the girl, if she contacts anyway he should keep a record of this in case it's needed.
I did start to really care for the child and then when the attitude toward me changed I started withdrawing and finding other things to do when she came around. My husband stopped taking her for the full weekends because of how much stress it started having on our relationship but I always tried to keep the little girl around. Since the ex withdrew the little girl from us any interaction hasn't been the greatest but tempers are pretty level. Most of the conversations end on our side before before they get to a fight. We usually let the ex have the last word because if not the conversation would turn into a brawl.
 

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Definitely keep a record of all contact the child makes towards him, I hate to say it but the mother could twist the situation into a sexual predator obsessed with a little girl.

As painful as it may be, your husband needs to reply once and tell her that her mother forbade him to have any contact with her... He should tell her that he still considers her his child but she can no longer contact him until she is of legal age.

Anyway you slice it, it sucks for the kid.
 
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