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My wife and I have been married for over 17 years and have two teenagers. I have been home with the kids since they were born and she was the one working outside the home. This started out of necessity and continued because she begged me to stay home to keep things running smoothly. It's been frustrating, but I felt like the financial sacrifice was worth it for a less stressful life. She has always been flirtatious with other guys, and I have often tried to explain to her that guys will get the wrong idea and she will get in trouble one day. She always told me I was wrong and that guys didn't look at her that way.

After "chasing away" about a dozen different guys during our marriage, she started a new friendship about two years ago. I had finally had enough and decided not to chase this guy away because, due to his profession, he was about as safe a guy as you could imagine. I felt her pulling away from me during last summer, and into the fall she spent all her time with him. After Christmas I finally started to wake up and started pushing her to back away from him. After weeks of her telling me they were just friends she admitted they were having an affair. My mind started spinning and I could not have made it through without knowing I had to keep it together for me kids.

She tried to leave me for him, but then he told her that was never the plan and that he was in love with someone else. This pushed her to suicidal thoughts and she has started getting treatment and counciling for depression. She is still living at home, and 7 months later she is still fixated on how he treated her and that she feels worthless and unimportant. I have tried to keep things together at home. Our kids don't know and I am trying to support her while she deals with the depression.

I am scared because I don't know how much more I can take. All the horible things I was feeling has faded into a kind of numbness that never goes away. I feel SO isolated and like I am living a lie. I have taken steps to be able to support myself and my kids if she leaves, but the kids will be crushed if they find out.

How do I balance supporting my wife as she fights her depression with me trying to keep my own sanity?
 

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My wife and I have been married for over 17 years and have two teenagers. I have been home with the kids since they were born and she was the one working outside the home. This started out of necessity and continued because she begged me to stay home to keep things running smoothly. It's been frustrating, but I felt like the financial sacrifice was worth it for a less stressful life. She has always been flirtatious with other guys, and I have often tried to explain to her that guys will get the wrong idea and she will get in trouble one day. She always told me I was wrong and that guys didn't look at her that way.

After "chasing away" about a dozen different guys during our marriage, she started a new friendship about two years ago. I had finally had enough and decided not to chase this guy away because, due to his profession, he was about as safe a guy as you could imagine. I felt her pulling away from me during last summer, and into the fall she spent all her time with him. After Christmas I finally started to wake up and started pushing her to back away from him. After weeks of her telling me they were just friends she admitted they were having an affair. My mind started spinning and I could not have made it through without knowing I had to keep it together for me kids.

She tried to leave me for him, but then he told her that was never the plan and that he was in love with someone else. This pushed her to suicidal thoughts and she has started getting treatment and counciling for depression. She is still living at home, and 7 months later she is still fixated on how he treated her and that she feels worthless and unimportant. I have tried to keep things together at home. Our kids don't know and I am trying to support her while she deals with the depression.

I am scared because I don't know how much more I can take. All the horible things I was feeling has faded into a kind of numbness that never goes away. I feel SO isolated and like I am living a lie. I have taken steps to be able to support myself and my kids if she leaves, but the kids will be crushed if they find out.

How do I balance supporting my wife as she fights her depression with me trying to keep my own sanity?
You are supporting your wife because she is depressed because some other man dumped her? She is not depressed because of her betrayal to you? She is not sorry about having an affair? She is only feeling bad because of the other guy? Why do you even care?

This isn't about you. Her depression isn't about you. Her love isn't about you. How do you keep your sanity? By seeing it for what it is and letting go of the burden of nursing her "depression" over some other guy. That's the easy part. The hard part is convincing you of the reality of what I just said.

She does not appreciate you. She does not respect you. Once she gets over her "depression", she will likely find someone else to cheat with. Are you going to settle for that?

I truly am sorry for what you are going through. The key here is to look out for yourself. To find your own individual confidence. To get yourself financially secure and serious consider divorcing your cheating spouse. Sadly, it is that simple.
 

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You might need to ship her to her parents for awhile. Or if she is truly that depressing, maybe have her commited. This is too much weight for you to carry as a BS. It is hard enough to continue a marriage with a WS that is remorseful about their actions. I could not imagine dealing with the depression of losing an AP. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Do you live close to extended family?
 

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It pains me to say that I'm just no where near as nice a guy as you are. Frankly, if it were me, I wouldn't care if she came out of the depression or not. The damage she did to you pails in comparison to what she is going through. I would have left and let her chips fall where they may. (What I really wanted to say would have gotten me banned)
 

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She is heart broken that the love of her life, the man she adored, the man she planned to spend her life with rejected her.

She trashed you, your kids and your marriage for this guy without a second thought and you say she has always chased after other men.

You cannot continue to be the one who supports her. She has huge problems that are not going to be solved by your support. Depression is a symptom, not the causal problem. If you truly want to help her you have to file divorce and get her into a mental health facility.

She is circling the drain and if you do not cut ties with her, you are going down with her.
 

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Her depression has nothing to do with her. you are there or not she will be depressed because she feels depression not because she cheated you, not because she betrayed her children not because she betrayed her family its because her OM dumped her after seven months. You can cure the depression only by convincing OM into a relationship with your wife and you remaining home as a babysitter and a cuckold.If you can do this then do, if not file for D and find a job. you cannot help her out of this depression.
 

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This is too much for a person to carry; much less you who has been betrayed by your own wife!

I think it would be best to get her out of your house right now. You have to take care of yourself and your kids.

Her depression over this man rejecting her? Ask yourself what you would say to a friend going through the same thing: it sounds like this: My wife flirts and I have had to fend off other men for years. Now; she is immobilized with depression because ANOTHER MAN she was having an affair with rejected her. Should I care enough about her sadness to keep her around?

My answer would be absolutely not. This s*it is all on her. She has to deal with the fallout of her choices and what SHE has done.

Please get yourself away from this unhealthy situation. Stand up for yourself!
 

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Triggery thread for me.
That was my wife. MOM dropped my wife on DDay like a bad habit. She was destroyed, suicidal. After 1 week of paralysis and taking care of her I realized I had no marriage anymore, I toke care of the house and children, started to detach and planned the unavoidable: Divorce.
Three months after DDay things were mostly arranged to proceed with it, I was focused in my future as a coparent. Then, only then, when the loss was too much for her my wife started awakening, being more herself, asked me to stop the plan for a while. Only then I knew I had nothing to lose and decide to hear her. I sensed genuine remorse, she distmantled slowly the affair in her head, the stupid romantic fantasies, she got her head off of the ass. The self pity disappeared and her attidude was consistent with genuine remorse. Her actions intended to make amends.

Sadly your situation is not like mine. Your marriage is dead, your wife is not your wife anymore. You need to proceed with the divorce.

Sorry man.
 

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I want to jump down your throat, but you're hurting enough already. Do you think that you deserve to be treated like a POS doormat, or do you believe that you deserve better?

You don't have to file right away, but go see a lawyer ASAP to learn your rights. Your kids are teens...go get a job. Your W is a trainwreck, and you can't depend on her any longer to pay the bills. Let some other chump help her "recover" from getting dumped by the OM.
 

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Agree with all the posters here. And my advice would also be to go for divorce.

Except....

How bad is the depression?

Can you speak to her doctor and therapist to find out how they think you handing her divorce papers would affect her?

If they think it is no biggie then I would go ahead and file.

If they think that it may be a severe blow to her and very adversely affect her then I would suggest holding off if you can. Use the time to find a job, get the rest of your 'stuff' in order, see a lawyer etc.
Once she is well enough to take it start proceedings to divorce her. I know a lot of people on here will disagree with this but despite what she has done she is still a human being, and the mother of your children.

One question, have you exposed the affair to the POSOM's partner?

Don't you think she needs to know the sort of person she is dealing with?
Plus it would pay him back for the months of hell he has put you through.
 

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13 times her actions indicated that her instincts drove her to seek out a male who fit into her idealized image of a man, someone who, at least on the outside, appeared to be a provider. She said she wanted a nanny, to you, but her heart drove her to seek a classic "male". I'm not taking a position on whether this is fair or not, but I certainly am telling you what the reality on the ground is; women do not, in the long run, respect stay at home dads. They will act like they do, but they don't. This is not what they dreamed about as a child, when they envisioned marriage and a family.

You need to look after your two teens and yourself. If she's still suicidal then get her admitted to intensive psychological care with the assurance that when she gets better she will be single and free to pursue as many male friends as she likes.

You're a family man, and that's good, a lot of woman will find that attractive, but, in the real world, you are expected to be both family man AND provider. So, get a job (as you've said you're taking steps to do) and start focusing on you're own psychological well-being. The teens will be ok.

You have a lot of life ahead of you; start living it.
 

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Thank you to everyone for the quick replies. There are always details and facts that cannot be explained completely on a message board, but trust that I am not blindly trusting that everything will be fine if I just stick it out. She has a lot to fix but right now my kids well-being is my first priority. I was just hoping to find some suggestions for how to work through my frustrations while I gave my wife, the woman I have been with for over half my life, a chance to save herself from the depressions she has been fighting her whole life.
You are supporting your wife because she is depressed because some other man dumped her? She is not depressed because of her betrayal to you? She is not sorry about having an affair? She is only feeling bad because of the other guy? Why do you even care?
I care because We have loved each other for over 20 years. I know she she made some hurtful choices. She choose to leave me and our kids. She has been fighting this depression since she was a teen, but this affair sent her over the edge. She is not simply upset because he dumped her. She has said how terrible she feels about what she did, about how she betrayed me and the kids. I can see how much it hurts. She totally deserves any pain she feels, but I won't intentionaly add to that pain.
One other thing: that was her fvcking job to keep men away from her; not yours to continually "run them off" for her. She has not been a good wife for years now and checked out especially when she started her affair. Are you sure she hasn't had more than just this one?

Anyway, I will repeat this: take care of yourself now!
I know I'll get crushed on here for saying this, but I am sure it has never gone this far. I do agree that she has done a rotten job of keeping up boundries between herself and other guys. That WILL change from here on out. I have said that, and she agrees that must happen.
I truly am sorry for what you are going through. The key here is to look out for yourself. To find your own individual confidence. To get yourself financially secure and serious consider divorcing your cheating spouse. Sadly, it is that simple.
I am preparing for that. I don't want a divorce, but I am realistic that is might happen. I am also realistic that I cannot financially support myself and my kids yet. I am getting everything ready to do that but it will take a few more months before it is ready. I think it would be short-sighted not not use that time to see if my marriage can be salvaged.

Agree with all the posters here. And my advice would also be to go for divorce.

Except....

How bad is the depression?

Can you speak to her doctor and therapist to find out how they think you handing her divorce papers would affect her?

If they think it is no biggie then I would go ahead and file.

If they think that it may be a severe blow to her and very adversely affect her then I would suggest holding off if you can. Use the time to find a job, get the rest of your 'stuff' in order, see a lawyer etc.
Once she is well enough to take it start proceedings to divorce her. I know a lot of people on here will disagree with this but despite what she has done she is still a human being, and the mother of your children.
This is exactly what I am doing...and she knows it. I have been putting money away and finished the last classes I need to get back into teaching, but I cannot start teaching full time until next fall. I subtitute teach and tutor kids after school right now but that is not enough to cover the bills. Her parents have said they will help me stay in our house as long as the kids are in school. She has been fighting this depression since before we met, but this is the first time she has sought help. I assume no one will agree with me, but I will not jump ship if she is making an honest effort to make things right. She has cut off contact, is going to therapy alone and with me, and has opened up about everything.

One question, have you exposed the affair to the POSOM's partner?

Don't you think she needs to know the sort of person she is dealing with?
Plus it would pay him back for the months of hell he has put you through.
It is very complicated, but the simple version is that he has been carrying on a seperate 10 year affair with another married mother of two. It was was when I found out about her and told her the details that he ran for the hills. It also appears that his other relationship is over because of my contact.

You're a family man, and that's good, a lot of woman will find that attractive, but, in the real world, you are expected to be both family man AND provider. So, get a job (as you've said you're taking steps to do) and start focusing on you're own psychological well-being. The teens will be ok.

You have a lot of life ahead of you; start living it.
I hear you. I know what you are saying is logical. It's just tough to let go of the life I thought I had. This still doesn't seem real. I know it is, but I sometimes feel like it's all just a bad dream.

Trust that I am moving in the direction you all suggest. I am just not ready to give up on my marriage.
 

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It is very complicated, but the simple version is that he has been carrying on a seperate 10 year affair with another married mother of two. It was was when I found out about her and told her the details that he ran for the hills. It also appears that his other relationship is over because of my contact.
Good job,

Hope you had the satisfaction of telling this worthless piece of garbage what you did, or at least that somehow he knows.
 

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Keep your ducks in a row and find a job as soon as possible.

Is she truly remorseful or is she regretful for getting caught? I don't think wife who cries for her OM dumping her is remorseful enough for a true Repair.
Did you done the STD check up? It seems that OM was banging many others.
 

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Depression is the mos prevalent mental disorder in U.S

Depression Most Prevalent Mental Disorder in America - The Tech

A lot of people suffer from depression. Not everyone goes having affairs. 13 guys is a huge f*cking number. This tells that depression is only being used as an excuse by your wife. She finds it very convenient to blame depression for her behavior and you are enabling her thought process. And at some level, you are allowing her to guilt you to stay in the marriage.

And have you exposed this OM ? He needs to be exposed for having affairs with married women.

carrying on a separate 10 year affair with another married mother of two.
You need to tell the husband of this woman(even though you told her first). Her husband is in the same position as you are, only he does not know about it yet.

Does your wife's family know about her affairs ?
 

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Depression is the mos prevalent mental disorder in U.S

Depression Most Prevalent Mental Disorder in America - The Tech

A lot of people suffer from depression. Not everyone goes having affairs. 13 guys is a huge f*cking number. This tells that depression is only being used as an excuse by your wife. She finds it very convenient to blame depression for her behavior and you are enabling her thought process. And at some level, you are allowing her to guilt you to stay in the marriage.

And have you exposed this OM ? He needs to be exposed for having affairs with married women.



You need to tell the husband of this woman(even though you told her first). Her husband is in the same position as you are, only he does not know about it yet.

Does your wife's family know about her affairs ?
 
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