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I divorced nearly 3 years ago. 3 years ago by this time it was clear that my marriage was spiraling out of control and my emotions were at a level they'd never been to before. My whole body was tense all the time, and I was losing weight so fast that people started to comment. I walked away form the only man I have ever loved in October of 2010 and have never seen him since.

In the first 6 mos I lived in a shell. I started over numb, emotionless and robotic in my routine. I stayed away from people socially, but couldn't avoid them at work. I had moved to the midwest from Alaska, so lots of people wanted to know why and hear my story. Why was I back after being gone for so long? I hated to tell people that I went through what I went through, especially if they pried at me for details.

After the 6 mos had passed, I realized I'd made lots of new friends quickly, and began to socialize like crazy. Regularly I drank myself in to a stupor and would go home crash, work and do it all over again. I "felt" I had my life back that I was me again. This lasted about a year and half, then one day BANG! I was simply out of control. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I'd gone out on so many dinner dates and for so many beers with so many guys; sometimes I was dating 4-5 guys at the same time. When it was just 1 guy, it was usually because there were potential emotions coming at me, I could see them coming, they were always just out of reach, then... splat! The relationship would end. I couldn't commit, I didn't want to.

Basically I live by this motto "I do what I want". (within practical and rational reason). There is no harm, and no foul in what I do. I simply just want to do what I want to do all the time. My last relationship was great, but because I didn't want to sleep with him, I got dumped. The one before that wasn't great, and I slept with him a bunch, and I still got dumped. But really at the core of it, I couldn't seem to bring myself to care. This above everything is probably what bothered all of the men in my life the most. I'm apathetic, and with the exception of my ex-husband I've never attached myself to any other individual man in my life. I don't have abandonment issues or daddy issues. I come from a normal standard mid-western couple, 2 sisters, cat dog, house the epitome of the "nuclear family". We're educated and do well for ourselves. I'm successful and single and secure in myself.

Currently I'm celibate by choice. Almost 9 months now. I have lots of single guy friends that I've acquired in the last couple years and they're all (and I mean all) desperate to get out of the "friend zone". To me I find this disrespectful. They know exactly how I feel. They know that I'm done with relationships. That my choice to be by myself is a very serious and long-term one. I may be a sexy and vivacious young woman, but I'm true to my convictions. I'm not leading anyone on, and they know how I feel about them. I'm spending less time with a few of them because I no longer drink. But I don't know how to bridge this gap with men. Why don't they understand my apathy? My stagnate sex life... my insensate heart... Why don't they understand that if they want me to be happy, they need to let me be?
 

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I probably delude myself by thinking I put a lot into my marriage. I guess I didnt have to, being she had a standoffish way and was not very reciprocating. Loving "service"? Duty? I dont know what it is, but to have to butt heads about some of the simple things, that she could never see had their effects. (Cruise? Sure! Stop Spending for now, then we can go)...

Since Ive been divorced for a coupla years now, Ive not dated at all. Ive certainly missed the good things about a significant other, but I am enjoying not having the extracurricular responsibilities to another's feelings or the perpetuation of a relationship.

Like you say, I do what I want, and sometimes that makes me feel lonely, but other times, I am glad to be free from the chaotic sense of never measuring up, or completely pleasing someone that I love and says loves me, but doesnt reciprocate or share or express that affection. Like dumping your motivation along with your efforts.

SO, I pretty much said Fk it too.

If I meet someone its going to be random, and I will fall way too fast, and act like a 14year old and put way too much pressure on the situation..

I guess Im not really ready yet.
 

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If I meet someone its going to be random, and I will fall way too fast, and act like a 14year old and put way too much pressure on the situation..

I guess Im not really ready yet.
I'm with you. Did that. Got played. Luckily it was short lived and I got it out of my system. I also had it coming to me. Dating 5 guys at the same time... I was playing them. It was fun and really hard work! It allowed me to keep myself at a distance but in the end I hurt every single one of them.
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