Talk About Marriage banner
Not open for further replies.
1 - 1 of 10 Posts

· Registered
633 Posts
I think your husband blames himself for his best friend's death.

He was working for your H and died on the way home from work. Therefore, if your H had, say, told him to go home early, or to stay late, or not to stay late, or whatever, he'd still be alive.

Your H is not actually to blame, of course, but that's not how guilt works. That's why he's not able to move past this.

I blamed myself for YEARS when my mom broke her neck in a car accident. I was 5 years old at the time of the accident. I blamed myself because I insisted that we leave 5 minutes early to stop off at a craft store so I could buy some art supplies before meeting my dad for dinner. If I hadn't been so selfish as to demand art supplies, we would not have been at that intersection at that moment. The accident would never have happened. My mom's neck would never have been broken. I still - to this day - cannot use that particular type of art supply or even write down its name. Okay, I was 5. Your H is an adult. But the mind always works overtime to find justifications and to make reason out of randomness. It was probably a random accident. Maybe if it hadn't been your H's friend it would have been someone else instead. But he is trying to make sense of out of this random accident and blaming himself because he feels that he could have altered the outcome had he acted differently.

The fact remains that he could have, in fact, altered the outcome if he had acted differently - demanding his friend stay later or leave earlier, for example. These facts cannot be changed. This is what your H has to work through and come to recognize that he is not to blame or guilty for his death. His friend would not blame him if he could be asked. But these feelings are extremely persistent. He should get some grief/guilt counseling.

I think you should stick it out. Give him a chance to address the real issues through therapy. He should be able to move on eventually.

I lost a very close family member to a very brutal death. I hadn't met my H yet, I was in a serious relationship with a BF. I put that BF through hell. Though we eventually went our separate ways later, it took me years to be normal again. He stood by me and honestly most of my friends did not. To this day, though we are no longer together, I am convinced that he is a truly exceptional human being for sticking by me during that period of my life. I think it takes a special kind of person to do that. I don't know if you're cut out for that or want to try, but if you can honor your committment to your husband to be there through good times and bad, I imagine your relationship after he has healed from this will be stronger than ever.

Of course I could be reading this all wrong but that is my sense from the several sentences you wrote.
1 - 1 of 10 Posts
Not open for further replies.