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DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

12511 Views 51 Replies 25 Participants Last post by  mahike
I'm sorry, I will try to be to the point. I posted my story yesterday (I sexted). Since then, he's restored my phone and saved tons of deleted messages and keeps looking at them (including pics of the OM body parts).

I trickled all the truth today. Laid it all out there. 3 men. No physical relationships (I kissed one in a moment of total drunkenness but failed to end the "friendship" until yesterday), but to him, it may as well have been all physical due to the nature of the pictures and conversation, and I totally understand that. He is completely raw and embarassed. I've made a fool of him. He was willing to try after he learned of the one OM. But when I came out with everything today, he left.

Our kids are too young to understand what is going on. They think Daddy is being mean to Mommy, and I sobbed to them today that it's Mommy's fault that Daddy left and Mommy hurt him really bad but he loves them both more than anything in the world. I'm not sure if they didn't understand because I was crying so hard, or if they truly are just too young to grasp it. He is gone for days at a time for work quite often so it isn't new to them to be alone with Mommy for a while. I just want them to understand that I did this, and that Daddy isn't the bad guy just because he is angry at me.

He's embarrassed of the people I've told. I felt the need to expose my wrongdoing to save him from blame, but as a result, I've made a fool of him should he decide to take me back. "What kind of pu**y would take his wife back after she's been f****** 3 different men?" He said. So now he doesn't want to face any of those people because he will feel like the town idiot. I told my parents because they've dealt with my father's infidelity for years and my bad decisions are going to affect them too; I was trying to be open and honest. I've told my 2 best friends what I've done... he doesn't want to face them ever again. (I don't have siblings)

I left a broken up message for his Mother to apologize to her for disgracing her son and her family. She called me back and I'm supposed to go see her tomorrow. She only knows about the one. I asked my H if she knew everything and he said that if he had any chance of forgiving me he would have to lie to himself and everyone else for the rest of his life that it was just one man and not three. Should I call him again and ask if I'm supposed to lie to her to save him further embarrassment? I don't know what to do....

Meanwhile, he is continuing to stare at these messages and make them relationships in his mind, and actual sexual intercourse, among God knows what else. He is misconstruing some of the messages because he isn't saving the whole conversation and it seems like I was emotionally involved and screwing 3 guys rather than sending dirty pics and messages that in my mind were more along the lines of fantasy/porn/role playing... without my H's consent of course, and NO I am NOT saying it was OK, I am a cheater and I know everything I did was wrong. It's just that he's killing himself making it this bigger more devastating thing and I can't ask him to stop... I have no place. He's doing exactly what I did to justify what I was doing even though I knew it was wrong. I made our marital issues and arguments all his fault and bigger in my mind than they actually were and used this sexting as an outlet to escape and seek attention and affirmations. If you've ever sexted someone as a means of cheating... it doesn't just start out of nowhere- it's a conversation, a how are you, how are things going in your marriage- that question is where all the trouble begins. BTW, You should NEVER tell someone of the opposite sex how things are in your marriage unless they are truly EFFING FANTASTIC and that is your final answer....
I never wanted a physical relationship with anyone, I just wanted to be heard, and attention and to feel wanted and needed so at the time, I had a "mad at my husband box" in my mind that I compartmentalized every bad thing and used it as means for needing an outlet. The outlet began (with 2 of the 3 OM) with that darn question- How are things in your marriage?
Anyhow I tried to explain to H that I've needed help for years, before I even met him, and have been bottling so much and have made poor decisions over the past year with these 3, and as a result that have ruined both of our lives.

I have my very first IC appointment on Monday- he won't go. Entirely up to him.

In the meantime, how do I get him to stop obsessing over the messages and practically trying to memorize them? He said he was just making sure he really knew the person he's been married to for 5 years. I know it can't be healthy but I have no room to tell him he should do or not do anything. I don't can't bear to see (or know now that he's gone) that he is torturing himself intentionally. TIA...
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First let me tell you that I had EA/sexting affair myself so I know where you are.

Here are the answers in a greatly condensed format.

1. Be totally honest - totally - this is zero fail - no secrets. If you have to go to the bathroom he knows about it.

2. Be totally transparent. The obvious is passwords and what not. The less obvious to be transparent personally. Your thoughts, mind, feelings and emotions are an open book to him. Tell him how and what you're feeling. Answer his questions openly.

3. Be stable. Be there for him as he wails through the roller coaster of emotions that you have set him on. I know this is hard, I know you're struggling to but you have to do this. You have to give him what he needs to recover from the wound you inflicted, part of that is giving him a place to vet his feelings and emotions. The more you can do that and keep your emotions in check and simply say you're sorry and reassure him the better.

4. Do whatever he ask and give him whatever he needs unconditionally and gladly. No matter how many times he ask the same question be glad to answer it and for God's sake make sure the answer is always the same (presumably because it's the truth!!). This is the only way the BS can begin to believe they have the truth.

5. Own your sh!t!! Stand up and be held accountable. Accept and pay the prices of your actions willingly. Don't shirk or hide from the nasty parts of what you did, you did it, own it. Don't equivocate.

6. Do not communicate, contact, facebook stalk or in any other way have anything to do with any of the OM for the rest of your life. To you they never existed.

To successfully do all of the above you have to genuinely be remorseful, you can't fake it. Remorse is the corner stone of reconciliation. He's on a roller coaster, just stay the course and give him some time to come to terms with what you've dropped on him. He may want to reconcile, he may not - you don't get to decide that - but the more of the above you do the better the odds are that when he gets over the shock he'll at least consider it.

Good Luck.

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Relax SK and take in what everyone tells you. There is some good in all of it. I came here and posted as a cheater myself so I know how it feels. Consider it all, take what is helpful or constructive and dismiss the rest. Never forget this is the Internet, where everyone regardless of intent or qualification has an equal voice.

As far as your H goes there is nothing you can do other than be supportive, this journey is his and watching him take it is part of the price you have to pay. All you can do is accept that it is his to take and accept whatever consequences come of it. You can't take this away from him, minimize it for him, or do it for him - all you can do is tell the truth, support him, say you're sorry, and hope he finds his way to want to reconcile.

That's all you can do I'm afraid.

Please stay on the board. There are a lot of people who want to help even us cheaters.
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