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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm sorry, I will try to be to the point. I posted my story yesterday (I sexted). Since then, he's restored my phone and saved tons of deleted messages and keeps looking at them (including pics of the OM body parts).

I trickled all the truth today. Laid it all out there. 3 men. No physical relationships (I kissed one in a moment of total drunkenness but failed to end the "friendship" until yesterday), but to him, it may as well have been all physical due to the nature of the pictures and conversation, and I totally understand that. He is completely raw and embarassed. I've made a fool of him. He was willing to try after he learned of the one OM. But when I came out with everything today, he left.

Our kids are too young to understand what is going on. They think Daddy is being mean to Mommy, and I sobbed to them today that it's Mommy's fault that Daddy left and Mommy hurt him really bad but he loves them both more than anything in the world. I'm not sure if they didn't understand because I was crying so hard, or if they truly are just too young to grasp it. He is gone for days at a time for work quite often so it isn't new to them to be alone with Mommy for a while. I just want them to understand that I did this, and that Daddy isn't the bad guy just because he is angry at me.

He's embarrassed of the people I've told. I felt the need to expose my wrongdoing to save him from blame, but as a result, I've made a fool of him should he decide to take me back. "What kind of pu**y would take his wife back after she's been f****** 3 different men?" He said. So now he doesn't want to face any of those people because he will feel like the town idiot. I told my parents because they've dealt with my father's infidelity for years and my bad decisions are going to affect them too; I was trying to be open and honest. I've told my 2 best friends what I've done... he doesn't want to face them ever again. (I don't have siblings)

I left a broken up message for his Mother to apologize to her for disgracing her son and her family. She called me back and I'm supposed to go see her tomorrow. She only knows about the one. I asked my H if she knew everything and he said that if he had any chance of forgiving me he would have to lie to himself and everyone else for the rest of his life that it was just one man and not three. Should I call him again and ask if I'm supposed to lie to her to save him further embarrassment? I don't know what to do....

Meanwhile, he is continuing to stare at these messages and make them relationships in his mind, and actual sexual intercourse, among God knows what else. He is misconstruing some of the messages because he isn't saving the whole conversation and it seems like I was emotionally involved and screwing 3 guys rather than sending dirty pics and messages that in my mind were more along the lines of fantasy/porn/role playing... without my H's consent of course, and NO I am NOT saying it was OK, I am a cheater and I know everything I did was wrong. It's just that he's killing himself making it this bigger more devastating thing and I can't ask him to stop... I have no place. He's doing exactly what I did to justify what I was doing even though I knew it was wrong. I made our marital issues and arguments all his fault and bigger in my mind than they actually were and used this sexting as an outlet to escape and seek attention and affirmations. If you've ever sexted someone as a means of cheating... it doesn't just start out of nowhere- it's a conversation, a how are you, how are things going in your marriage- that question is where all the trouble begins. BTW, You should NEVER tell someone of the opposite sex how things are in your marriage unless they are truly EFFING FANTASTIC and that is your final answer....
I never wanted a physical relationship with anyone, I just wanted to be heard, and attention and to feel wanted and needed so at the time, I had a "mad at my husband box" in my mind that I compartmentalized every bad thing and used it as means for needing an outlet. The outlet began (with 2 of the 3 OM) with that darn question- How are things in your marriage?
Anyhow I tried to explain to H that I've needed help for years, before I even met him, and have been bottling so much and have made poor decisions over the past year with these 3, and as a result that have ruined both of our lives.

I have my very first IC appointment on Monday- he won't go. Entirely up to him.

In the meantime, how do I get him to stop obsessing over the messages and practically trying to memorize them? He said he was just making sure he really knew the person he's been married to for 5 years. I know it can't be healthy but I have no room to tell him he should do or not do anything. I don't can't bear to see (or know now that he's gone) that he is torturing himself intentionally. TIA...
 

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So...kinda hard to follow.

But you TT him to believe it was only 1 guy?
Then he finds out it was 3?

Or you told him it was 3 guys?

And I assume it was all an EA with all 3 of them? Just with the usual sexting and passionate stuff that these things tend to develop?

Well, this is not good.
Because he is disconnecting.
When the BH stays in the house, and is upset, or showing any emotion at all, you have a chance.
When they leave the house, that is a bad sign. That tends to mean divorce.

Honestly, all you can do, is wait.
Wait for him to come home.
Apologize to him everyday. And be ready to hear every insult and a few new ones from him.
Don't bad mouth him to anyone.
Take responsibility.
And try to be as loving as you can.
And if he comes home, follow him around like a puppy dog.

But honestly, until he comes home and we get a better picture of his mental state, we can't really be sure what to tell you other than the usual advice we give.

Are you a stay at home mom? Or do you work?
How did you meet this OM?
Because you need to start transparency.
That means:
giving him all your passwords to everything if he doesn't have them already, and telling him everywhere you go.

If you work and you met the OM at work, you need to quit your job.

You need to show him that you are willing to cut out anything that he doesn't like to get him back.
 

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You can't get him to do anything. He is in the process of absorbing everything to decipher if you are telling the truth about Non-PA. The only thing you can do is get the therapy you need and allow him the time and space to grieve, make his own decisions and maybe seek his own counseling, until he is ready to deal with it with you and your therapist. Since it offends him, don't tell his mom anything more. Just stick with what was already said.
 

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If you are living in a small town, the more people who know or think they know what has been going on, the tougher it will be for him to not think everybody knew but him.
What you have done is submarine your marriage and it will be up to you to convince him of the limits your actions went. (if you can)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
So...kinda hard to follow.

But you TT him to believe it was only 1 guy?
Then he finds out it was 3?

Or you told him it was 3 guys?

And I assume it was all an EA with all 3 of them? Just with the usual sexting and passionate stuff that these things tend to develop?

Well, this is not good.
Because he is disconnecting.
When the BH stays in the house, and is upset, or showing any emotion at all, you have a chance.
When they leave the house, that is a bad sign. That tends to mean divorce.

Honestly, all you can do, is wait.
Wait for him to come home.
Apologize to him everyday. And be ready to hear every insult and a few new ones from him.
Don't bad mouth him to anyone.
Take responsibility.
And try to be as loving as you can.
And if he comes home, follow him around like a puppy dog.

But honestly, until he comes home and we get a better picture of his mental state, we can't really be sure what to tell you other than the usual advice we give.

Are you a stay at home mom? Or do you work?
How did you meet this OM?
Because you need to start transparency.
That means:
giving him all your passwords to everything if he doesn't have them already, and telling him everywhere you go.

If you work and you met the OM at work, you need to quit your job.

You need to show him that you are willing to cut out anything that he doesn't like to get him back.

I've told him about all three. So today was another DDay essentially. I gave him all passwords yesterday and have no contact with any of the three. Total transparency, yes.

I do work FT, but I don't have any issues with my work environment. Unless there is a happy hour- a work related happy hour has never been an issue, but I've quit drinking as of yesterday so that's the only change that will be required for my work.

Two of the OM I knew from my past, one I considered a friend. Until I told him yesterday that we were no longer friends and that my marriage is the most important thing in my world, even though I've known that OM longer than my H. Third OM was a 2 week sexting "fling" with a complete stranger I met from another country. NC with him either.

I followed him around like a puppy while he was in the house today but he can't look at me. I disgust him. His words.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Since it offends him, don't tell his mom anything more. Just stick with what was already said.
But I should ask him first right? What if he decides to tell her more, when she calls to check on him, and then I lie to her tomorrow thinking I'm saving him from embarrassment. I don't want to lie any more!! But the LAST thing I want is to continue to humiliate him. :(
 

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But I should ask him first right? What if he decides to tell her more, when she calls to check on him, and then I lie to her tomorrow thinking I'm saving him from embarrassment. I don't want to lie any more!! But the LAST thing I want is to continue to humiliate him. :(
Tell her "You're going to have to ask H for that. I promised I wouldn't say anything more. And until he says it's okay that's all I'm going to say. "
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Tell her "You're going to have to ask H for that. I promised I wouldn't say anything more. And until he says it's okay that's all I'm going to say. "
But then that will let her know there IS more and will prompt her to ask him for the rest of it, forcing him to admit to her that there were 3 and not one, which is exactly what he said today that he didn't want, if he wished to try to move forward. Which is what I'm hoping for...
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I'll have to call him to ask... I just want to do whatever he wants me to do and honor him instead of continuing to humiliate him.

My oldest child (4) just told my mother that Daddy was really mean to Mommy today and that he made her cry and broke her bracelet. I tried telling her that it was OK and just because Daddy was mad doesn't mean he was being bad. I guess I can just tell them that Daddy is on vacation this weekend... I'm taking them to see him tomorrow.
 

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First let me tell you that I had EA/sexting affair myself so I know where you are.

Here are the answers in a greatly condensed format.

1. Be totally honest - totally - this is zero fail - no secrets. If you have to go to the bathroom he knows about it.

2. Be totally transparent. The obvious is passwords and what not. The less obvious to be transparent personally. Your thoughts, mind, feelings and emotions are an open book to him. Tell him how and what you're feeling. Answer his questions openly.

3. Be stable. Be there for him as he wails through the roller coaster of emotions that you have set him on. I know this is hard, I know you're struggling to but you have to do this. You have to give him what he needs to recover from the wound you inflicted, part of that is giving him a place to vet his feelings and emotions. The more you can do that and keep your emotions in check and simply say you're sorry and reassure him the better.

4. Do whatever he ask and give him whatever he needs unconditionally and gladly. No matter how many times he ask the same question be glad to answer it and for God's sake make sure the answer is always the same (presumably because it's the truth!!). This is the only way the BS can begin to believe they have the truth.

5. Own your sh!t!! Stand up and be held accountable. Accept and pay the prices of your actions willingly. Don't shirk or hide from the nasty parts of what you did, you did it, own it. Don't equivocate.

6. Do not communicate, contact, facebook stalk or in any other way have anything to do with any of the OM for the rest of your life. To you they never existed.


To successfully do all of the above you have to genuinely be remorseful, you can't fake it. Remorse is the corner stone of reconciliation. He's on a roller coaster, just stay the course and give him some time to come to terms with what you've dropped on him. He may want to reconcile, he may not - you don't get to decide that - but the more of the above you do the better the odds are that when he gets over the shock he'll at least consider it.

Good Luck.

Sig.
 

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I would highly advise against telling any more lies, regardless of the motives.
 

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You have a chance of fixing this thing. All is not lost..But you come across as a flake..he cannot trust you until there is a long term commitment from you. do you realize that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
1. Be totally honest - totally - this is zero fail - no secrets. If you have to go to the bathroom he knows about it.

2. Be totally transparent. The obvious is passwords and what not. The less obvious to be transparent personally. Your thoughts, mind, feelings and emotions are an open book to him. Tell him how and what you're feeling. Answer his questions openly.

3. Be stable. Be there for him as he wails through the roller coaster of emotions that you have set him on. I know this is hard, I know you're struggling to but you have to do this. You have to give him what he needs to recover from the wound you inflicted, part of that is giving him a place to vet his feelings and emotions. The more you can do that and keep your emotions in check and simply say you're sorry and reassure him the better.

4. Do whatever he ask and give him whatever he needs unconditionally and gladly. No matter how many times he ask the same question be glad to answer it and for God's sake make sure the answer is always the same (presumably because it's the truth!!). This is the only way the BS can begin to believe they have the truth.

5. Own your sh!t!! Stand up and be held accountable. Accept and pay the prices of your actions willingly. Don't shirk or hide from the nasty parts of what you did, you did it, own it. Don't equivocate.

6. Do not communicate, contact, facebook stalk or in any other way have anything to do with any of the OM for the rest of your life. To you they never existed.


To successfully do all of the above you have to genuinely be remorseful, you can't fake it. Remorse is the corner stone of reconciliation. He's on a roller coaster, just stay the course and give him some time to come to terms with what you've dropped on him. He may want to reconcile, he may not - you don't get to decide that - but the more of the above you do the better the odds are that when he gets over the shock he'll at least consider it.

Good Luck.

Sig.
Thank you Sig. I am totally on board with all of that. Doing it now, willingly. That's part of why I felt I needed to tell my parents and apologize to his mother. I own it. I did this. Regardless of any shortcomings that may have initiated my downfall- HE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. I made this mess.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
You lied on here too in your older post, right ? You lied about not lying too.
I didn't lie on here in my older post. I was explaining what was happening in my life at that present time. If I hadn't even told my H at that time the entire truth, why on earth would I be compelled to tell complete strangers?? After I had told him, and everything was out in the open, I followed up to my original post.

I apologize if I seem like "a flake" to you. This is all EXTREMELY difficult to express and I'm typing as things are happening and progressing. I am going to a therapist (a profession I've always felt wasn't actually helpful) for my first time in 30 years to finally get the help that I needed 7 years ago. I don't talk about my feelings or problems. This is very new to me, and I'm trying to deal with it with a safe behavior.
 

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I'm sorry, I will try to be to the point. I posted my story yesterday (I sexted). Since then, he's restored my phone and saved tons of deleted messages and keeps looking at them (including pics of the OM body parts).

I trickled all the truth today. Laid it all out there. 3 men. No physical relationships (I kissed one in a moment of total drunkenness but failed to end the "friendship" until yesterday), but to him, it may as well have been all physical due to the nature of the pictures and conversation, and I totally understand that. He is completely raw and embarassed. I've made a fool of him. He was willing to try after he learned of the one OM. But when I came out with everything today, he left.

Our kids are too young to understand what is going on. They think Daddy is being mean to Mommy, and I sobbed to them today that it's Mommy's fault that Daddy left and Mommy hurt him really bad but he loves them both more than anything in the world. I'm not sure if they didn't understand because I was crying so hard, or if they truly are just too young to grasp it. He is gone for days at a time for work quite often so it isn't new to them to be alone with Mommy for a while. I just want them to understand that I did this, and that Daddy isn't the bad guy just because he is angry at me.

He's embarrassed of the people I've told. I felt the need to expose my wrongdoing to save him from blame, but as a result, I've made a fool of him should he decide to take me back. "What kind of pu**y would take his wife back after she's been f****** 3 different men?" He said. So now he doesn't want to face any of those people because he will feel like the town idiot. I told my parents because they've dealt with my father's infidelity for years and my bad decisions are going to affect them too; I was trying to be open and honest. I've told my 2 best friends what I've done... he doesn't want to face them ever again. (I don't have siblings)

I left a broken up message for his Mother to apologize to her for disgracing her son and her family. She called me back and I'm supposed to go see her tomorrow. She only knows about the one. I asked my H if she knew everything and he said that if he had any chance of forgiving me he would have to lie to himself and everyone else for the rest of his life that it was just one man and not three. Should I call him again and ask if I'm supposed to lie to her to save him further embarrassment? I don't know what to do....

Meanwhile, he is continuing to stare at these messages and make them relationships in his mind, and actual sexual intercourse, among God knows what else. He is misconstruing some of the messages because he isn't saving the whole conversation and it seems like I was emotionally involved and screwing 3 guys rather than sending dirty pics and messages that in my mind were more along the lines of fantasy/porn/role playing... without my H's consent of course, and NO I am NOT saying it was OK, I am a cheater and I know everything I did was wrong. It's just that he's killing himself making it this bigger more devastating thing and I can't ask him to stop... I have no place. He's doing exactly what I did to justify what I was doing even though I knew it was wrong. I made our marital issues and arguments all his fault and bigger in my mind than they actually were and used this sexting as an outlet to escape and seek attention and affirmations. If you've ever sexted someone as a means of cheating... it doesn't just start out of nowhere- it's a conversation, a how are you, how are things going in your marriage- that question is where all the trouble begins. BTW, You should NEVER tell someone of the opposite sex how things are in your marriage unless they are truly EFFING FANTASTIC and that is your final answer....
I never wanted a physical relationship with anyone, I just wanted to be heard, and attention and to feel wanted and needed so at the time, I had a "mad at my husband box" in my mind that I compartmentalized every bad thing and used it as means for needing an outlet. The outlet began (with 2 of the 3 OM) with that darn question- How are things in your marriage?
Anyhow I tried to explain to H that I've needed help for years, before I even met him, and have been bottling so much and have made poor decisions over the past year with these 3, and as a result that have ruined both of our lives.

I have my very first IC appointment on Monday- he won't go. Entirely up to him.

In the meantime, how do I get him to stop obsessing over the messages and practically trying to memorize them? He said he was just making sure he really knew the person he's been married to for 5 years. I know it can't be healthy but I have no room to tell him he should do or not do anything. I don't can't bear to see (or know now that he's gone) that he is torturing himself intentionally. TIA...
I don't mean to be confrontational, but you will feel much better after you really come clean and tell your husband the truth - that you have been having sex with these guys. He has seen the messages with his own eyes. He knows what he is reading. This story is no more believable than the one you told yesterday.

Here's the thing. Guys post on this forum all the time about, "do you think my wife is cheating on me" and they practically caught their wife in bed with another guy - and they still don't believe it. The natural reaction of betrayed husbands is to wishfully think that their wife is NOT having an affair, no matter how bad the messages they uncover are.

So you sexted these guys continually for how long? Months? Years? You've known one longer than you knew your husband? And you've met up with these guys in person? And never had sex with any of them? Even though, your husband is reading the messages between you and them and he is CONVINCED that the messages say you DID have sex with them?

And you pulled the "only kissed" and "just one time" lines on your husband? Those lines are classics around here. Let's just say that a cheating wife confessing to "just kissing" and "only one time" has proven to be false about 100% of the time.

Now, about the two best friends. You meant to say that you told them you got caught, right? Because you don't expect us to believe that they did not know about your cheating on your husband, do you? They were your partners in crime. You had to tell them that you got caught. Heck, your husband is still searching though the messages. What if he finds your friends' affairs somewhere in those messages? You had to warn your friends that their gigs may be up, too.

Can you see how your story is not believable? Theoretically true, but not believable.

Are you still willing to take the polygraph? You said you were willing yesterday, but if you did, you would have failed the question about more than one affair partner. So are you ready for the polygraph now?

Here is my advice to you: Call off all appointments and stop all outside conversations with friends and family until you tell your husband the truth. Don't see his mom. Don't tell any more people about this. Stop trying to dissuade your husband from looking at your messages. He is going to look through those messages, he is going to talk to other people, and he is going to find out the truth, anyway. Just give it to him straight now and save him the pain of having to piece it together from old deleted messages and embarrassingly ask other people to confirm what he's found.
 

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I apologize if I seem like "a flake" to you. This is all EXTREMELY difficult to express and I'm typing as things are happening and progressing. I am going to a therapist (a profession I've always felt wasn't actually helpful) for my first time in 30 years to finally get the help that I needed 7 years ago. I don't talk about my feelings or problems. This is very new to me, and I'm trying to deal with it with a safe behavior.
You need not apologize to me about anything..You owe nothing to me..All I meant was that you need to show some consistency..Your husband needs to trust you..He needs to have some confidence in you to try to reconcile with you. So stay strong
 

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This is what you posted yesterday - that he read your texts sent to friends talking about your excitement over other man:

He has read texts that I've sent to friends talking about OM from the beginning when I was acting like a wh*** and excited to get attention. So now he thinks I had feelings or a relationship with him, and thinks that I am trying to water it down.​

This is what you posted today:

I was trying to be open and honest. I've told my 2 best friends what I've done... he doesn't want to face them ever again.​

Are you going to tell us that you told some friends about your sexting affair with OM#3, but did not tell your best friends?
 

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For some reason I really don't blame you. With todays technology, and social networking, it is just too easy to get involved as you did. You made some serious mistakes in judgement, because you allowed yourself to get caught up in it...

Now that you know your weekness you csn avoid these things in the future

I think you have made a good start, and I feel your next move should be to offer to take a pollygraph....Just the offer may be enough to satisfy your H that it was not a PA.
 
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