I'm new to this forum. I've been reading on hear for the past two days now, and it's been helpful thus far.
Here's my story so far.
First is the back story. Been married to my wife for almost 14 years now. We've had our share of ups and downs in our relationship. I've done my share of damage to it by lying about stupid things, for example... We both used to smoke, but when my wife got pregnant with our daughter she was able to quit cold turkey and never look back. I on the other hand had a lot of difficulty quitting. Instead of seeking help I made a horrible choice and lied about quitting while sneaking cigarettes. I was caught and lied about it to her face (another bad choice on my part). My bad choices continued as I did this same thing several more times. I know that each time I did it I caused severe damage to the trust that my wife had in me. However, I am now smoke free and have been so for almost 3 years now.
This is pretty much the extent of my wrongdoing. I can freely and honestly say that I have NEVER cheated on my wife as I take my marriage vows very seriously, and I love her to the utmost.
My wife on the other..... Approximately 2 years ago I caught my wife in an EA that was on the verge of becoming a PA. In all honesty it may have already become a PA but I never saw any real proof of that. I have done my best to forgive my wife for her infidelity. (Of note is that upon first discovering it and confronting her with it we ended up in a False R, and she went underground with it, but I discovered it again and confronted her and we moved on from there).
However, I am now, approximately 2 years later, faced with this situation again. I confronted my wife 2 days ago. Again she did the denial dance until I showed her evidence that she couldn't explain away. (Text with one of her girlfriends where she was discussing how she was seeing someone else behind my back).
At this point I was angry, emotional, shouting, basically doing everything wrong, but as any of you who have been through this yourselves know it is extremely difficult to maintain a level head after you've been hurt like this.
Anyway, I have been reading lots on here and I began to really listen and follow advice. I have done a lot of introspection and have come to the conclusion that I am a good person, an excellent father, and a loyal and devoted husband. I am worth more than the way I've been treated. That being said it is still very difficult for me to play the part of confident Alpha male as I am and have always been "Mr. Nice Guy".
However, even with my "Nice Guy" tendencies I did manage to realize that I don't have to live in Limbo anymore. So I confronted my wife about all of this again. This time I was able to maintain a calm and level head, and I expressed to her that I am not going to be treated this way and that I have had enough. I explained to her that I wanted out of the marriage. She began the verbal attacks and the yelling and all of that. meanwhile I remained calm and in control of myself, even though I was a mess internally.
Later that evening she said that maybe we could work things out. Now, because I love my wife and I'm a softie it was very hard to prevent myself from grabbing her and holding her and telling her that everything would be all right, but I was able to maintain my control. I told her point blank that if that is really what she wanted then she would need to do everything in her power to rebuild the trust that she destroyed. I told her that she would have to have NC with the OM and that she would have to be completely transparent. I made it clear that it was her decision on whether or not she was willing to do that I could care less which route she chose.
Finally, before I was about to go to bed, she came to me crying up a storm, saying that she really does want to fix things. She sets her computer down on the coffee table and says that she is going NC with the OM and that she is giving me all her accounts and passwords and full access to her phone, etc.
Before I continue on, here's a side note. The day that I confronted my WW and told her that I am finished with this, I exposed the EA to my parents, siblings, her mother and sister, and the OMW. If I knew how/where to contact the OMs workplace, I would expose it to them as well. I'm sure that would make his life very uncomfortable if not extremely difficult as he is currently working as a government contractor with high level security clearance and from personal experience I can attest that jobs of that nature/level do not look kindly on any blemish upon your moral character.
Anyway, back to the main points. I am having a very difficult time with all of this at this point, once again due to how much I love my wife and my natural tendency to give in to her. It's almost textbook some of the things she is saying to me about the transparency that she is supposed to be giving me. Example: "I'm not saying I'm gonna change out my passwords and lock you out, but I don't have to feel good not having privacy." Also, I have not put any keylogger type programs/devices on her computer so I do not know if she has really given me ALL of her accounts. It is always possible that she has other secret accounts that she can use for communication. Additionally, she could always delete texts or FB msgs, emails before I've ever had a chance to log in and see them, so she could easily cover her tracks that way.
I do, however, have one very good source of information that right now is going to help in solving my dilema. On our cellphone bill website I am able to log into our account. From there I can see all of the calls she has made and received, including the dates/times/length of call/phone number called/etc. This is one of the reasons I was able to catch her. I can also see the number of text msgs that she has sent/received during the billing period, and all of these things update regularly. Basically, if I called her right now and spoke to her for a couple minutes and sent her a text right now, then within about 15 to 20 minutes, those things would show up on our cellphone account.
Now here's my current plan. I have already spoken with a lawyer to get my ducks in a row in case things look like they may go south. Last night, prior to going to bed, I verified the current status of her phone calls/texts. She had no calls that were of note and she had exactly 800 texts during this current billing cycle. This morning at work, at around 10:30am I checked it again. Just prior to that my wife and I had texted back and forth a total of 5 times. She sent me 3 texts and I sent her 2. Therefore, this will show up on in the online account as 5 text msgs to/from her phone. So she should have had a total of 805 when I looked at it. Her total was 856. Now this is not in itself damning evidence as these texts may all be innocent one between her and her mother or a friend. But here is where a little thinking comes in.
I will be leaving work in about 45 minutes to head for home. Before I leave I'm going to check the account one last time to get the current number. Upon arriving at home I am going to look at her phone to see how many text msgs she has on it that are between the time I looked on the account last night when there were only 800, and the time I look before I head home. For arguments sake lets say that the number stays at 856, and I know that 5 of them are between her and I. that leaves 51 text msgs unnaccounted for. When I look at her phone, if I don't find 51 text msgs still on her phone during the previously mentioned time frame, then I will know that she has been deleting text msgs so that I cannot see them.
If that is the case my next move will be to play along like nothing is wrong, and on Monday morning I will then be contacting my lawyer to set things in motion. I do know somewhat how to read my wife and based on the things that I've seen thus far, she is still reeling some from the hit of exposure that occurred when I confronted her. From what my lawyer has said, if I said "lets go" on Monday, he and I will sit down and draft up an agreement for division of assets/custody/etc, that is favorable for both parties, but ensures that I don't get screwed in anyway shape or form. Once that is ready I will hit her with it, along with any further evidence of her lying that I am able to dig up, and she will most likely sign it right then and there.
If she doesn't then my lawyer says we can be ready to file right then, because the first to file typically has an advantage.
Now if she is truly repentant and wants a True R, then she won't have deleted any texts, etc. If she is deceiving me yet again, then it is better to move on with my life.
Please feel free to post any advice you may have or ask any questions about things as I am an open book and want to share my experience with others and continue myself to learn from the experience of those who have gone before me.