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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, we are certainly at an impasse neither of us will move out. Not out of the house, not out of the bedroom, not even out of the bed. The one area in the house where i would move to is inaccessible because we have not taken our Christmas decs down. That room is full of stuff because my husband always insists on getting a tree that would be for a Department Store. We usually don't get around to getting all decs put away until MLK holiday.

H has said he wants his family. He wants to be married. He is willing to do what it takes. But he is not willing to make any move what would split us up. He rather stay as roommates and give us a chance rather than have us move out.

But why should I move out? I'm keeping the girls. Why should I squeeze the 3 of us into one bedroom and Mom's house? He's finally back at work this week, so I have my STD testing on Thursday, going to a free lawyer consult on Friday. Maybe the lawyer can give me some clues on where we go from here. The only thing I know for sure is that reading TAM on Reconciling, I don't want to go through that torture. Don't want triggers, fog, movies in my head, gaslighting, checking emails, FB, texts. No thank you.

My husband told me today that he made counseling appointment for two weeks. Is there any point in me going?
 

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How long ago was D day? Why are you so adamant that you're done? If he's showing true remorse, things can be better in the long run, you know. Read my story, for example. There are others here as well.

Anyway, you're right, HE should move out if he cheated.
 

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I know you said in your other thread that you were divorcing and that you didn't ask for or want the details of his cheating.

Has anything changed there? Is the standoff on moving out simply because he wants to reconcile and you don't? Or are you reconsidering?

If you're sure you're done, go to an attorney and see what you can do to get him out. He's the cheater. He should leave.
 

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Cherish~

It sounds to me as if you are DONE-DONE-DONE and unwilling to consider reconciliation, which is fine. That's your decision to make since he committed adultery. But you can not make him move out and he can not make you move out. Likewise he can not make you reconcile.

Thus I would recommend two things:

#1--Take down the Christmas decorations yourself, right now, today, and move yourself into that room. If you can not make him move out and he will not even leave the bedroom after having sex with another woman, then clearly he is still 100% thinking about himself and what HE wants, not you, what you want or what is good for the children. Just consider it as confirmation of your decision, and get busy. Yes I realize it is a giant pain in the butt to have to take down all the decorations yourself and have to move yourself in there, and yes it is EXTREMELY inconsiderate and selfish of him to make you do all the work after what he's done--but he is clearly not going to help you and there is nothing whatsoever stopping you. So if he has made it clear he won't cooperate, there's nothing stopping you! Just drag the Christmas tree (decorated and all) into "his" bedroom and start setting up that room for yourself! :rolleyes:

#2--If you are in the USA, the first thing you'll want to do is file for divorce, and get a temporary orders hearing date. When the two parties in a divorce do not agree and neither will move out, the judge can decide who gets the "use of the home" and who would have temporary physical custody and who would owe what temporary child support, etc. In other words, file...get that hearing date...and the judge will decide for you who will need to move out and the judge can enforce his order with the police. Now, it's not always the mother who gets the house or the children, but if you've been a SAHM and primary caregiver, it's reasonable that the judge will order that FOR NOW the kids stay in the family home and you stay with them...and dad moves out. However, you say he inherited it from someone and thus it's conceivable that the judge may say you get custody and child support but he gets the house.

Soooo...I would suggest you file ASAP, get that hearing date ASAP, and begin to look at apartments or houses you could afford to rent in your city. Maybe there's a small, 2 or 3 bedroom home in your price range. The point here is that if he is going to be obstinate and uncooperative, let him. He can not make you NOT divorce him. You can file. You can look for a job. You can look for an apartment or home to rent. You don't need his permission and you don't need to stay in the house.
 

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Well, we are certainly at an impasse neither of us will move out. Not out of the house, not out of the bedroom, not even out of the bed. The one area in the house where i would move to is inaccessible because we have not taken our Christmas decs down. That room is full of stuff because my husband always insists on getting a tree that would be for a Department Store. We usually don't get around to getting all decs put away until MLK holiday.

H has said he wants his family. He wants to be married. He is willing to do what it takes. But he is not willing to make any move what would split us up. He rather stay as roommates and give us a chance rather than have us move out.

But why should I move out? I'm keeping the girls. Why should I squeeze the 3 of us into one bedroom and Mom's house? He's finally back at work this week, so I have my STD testing on Thursday, going to a free lawyer consult on Friday. Maybe the lawyer can give me some clues on where we go from here. The only thing I know for sure is that reading TAM on Reconciling, I don't want to go through that torture. Don't want triggers, fog, movies in my head, gaslighting, checking emails, FB, texts. No thank you.

My husband told me today that he made counseling appointment for two weeks. Is there any point in me going?
I don't know your whole story. Did the affair end? Was it exposed?

Why do you not want to reconcile? Of course, that is your choice and I don't fault you for a second if you believe in the One Strike Rule. But you've got kids. I really encourage BS's with kids and a remorseful WS to at least consider reconciling.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
How long ago was D day? Why are you so adamant that you're done? If he's showing true remorse, things can be better in the long run, you know. Read my story, for example. There are others here as well.

Anyway, you're right, HE should move out if he cheated.
Thanks for replying. DDay - sort of - week of Christmas. Can't call it a real D-Day though. Could not get any evidence. But he is the one who arranged for sitter so we could "talk." I wanted to know nothing but yes or no - did you cheat. I didn't want any details.

Honestly, I would be willing to give it a shot if I knew R would work. It seems that it rarely does. But I will read your story. Maybe that will help. Thanks.

I don't know if I would be able to stay here if he fights it. He inherited this house from his grandmother. We were married when we moved in, though. Also, I am SAHM. I know I will need to get a job if we separate. That's another thing he keeps bringing up to me -- don't I want the girls to be home until they start school. I really do. My 2.5 year old is doing so well and is SO SMART. Everything I do around the house I try to make a learning experience for her and she soaks it all up. The 5 month old, of course, could care less right now!
 

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If you're starting to consider reconciling, you should really get the details of his A. Without that knowledge, you can't easily know the chances of your being able to reconcile.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I don't know your whole story. Did the affair end? Was it exposed?

Why do you not want to reconcile? Of course, that is your choice and I don't fault you for a second if you believe in the One Strike Rule. But you've got kids. I really encourage BS's with kids and a remorseful WS to at least consider reconciling.
I assume affair ended, because when I started "modified" 180, his suspicious behavior stopped. No more coming home late at night. Calls if he was stopping after work for anything, and never more than a half hour or hour late. No more leaving the house with no explanation. We went together to all things through Christmas holiday. No more dropping me off and leaving. Basically, especially since this came to a head just before Christmas, when his vacation started, we have been together 24-7. It could have been a "Walton's Family Christmas". Tried to get me to go with him for every errand, leading up to Christmas, but I refused, so he would take girls by himself. So I guess that means the affair stopped.

I guess one of the things that make me not want to reconcile, was when he was coming home late, leaving me a family events, I was almost pleading with him, "why are you doing me like this?" He always knew buttons to push to get me to give in to having sex with him, and then I would feel so nasty afterward, suspecting that he was sleeping with someone else. I humiliated myself and he just kept gas-lighting me with "baby, you know how much I love you. Baby, you know my family is everything to me", responses like that.

Finally I came on TAM and invited everyone to tell me what I couldn't seem to face up to -- that he was cheating. I already knew it, really. Around that time, I just stopped wanting him to touch me at all. So we have not had sex since then, no touching, kissing or hugging. Then D Day was one question: did you cheat? Answer was yes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
If you're starting to consider reconciling, you should really get the details of his A. Without that knowledge, you can't easily know the chances of your being able to reconcile.
Alt Dame:

I know. But I just can't face the details. I don't even want to think about them. That's one of the reasons why I dont' want reconciliation. What if it's AWFUL? Then I might not be able to move through R anyway, plus have all these awful movies in my head, and triggering. I'm almost certain it must have been someone at work, because I couldn't get any evidence of anything else. If that's true, and the person is still there, that's another thing I don't think I could live with.

To the person who suggested I take down the decs or drag the tree. NO! First of all, I wouldn't be able to physically do it. It probably won't even fit down the hall way to the Master without breaking all the ornaments. 2nd, if I tried to take ornaments down, I would need a ladder. Not trying to do that at this stage of the game with a 2 year old and 5 month old around. There's other stuff too, that needs to be dismantled, room looks like winter wonderland. 3rd, he'll do it on the holiday which is two more weeks. He always does. I'll help of course but I'm not trying to do it by myself.
 
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