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Hi there,

I've been with my fiance for 18 years, we both met when we were young, about 18 yrs old, and until yesterday I thought I knew her inside out. I had trust issues at the very start of our relationship after she had a drunken kiss while out on a girls night. After a few years these subsided and I believed that she would never cheat on me.

Since the end of last year, it seems she was much more interested in sex and we seemed to have it more regularly than the previous weekly session.

I got home last night from work and logged into facebook, and her profile was already logged in. I shouldn't have, but I clicked on the messages as there were 100's of messages between her and another guy whose married with a child. The last few messages was about arranging a meeting, so I went to the start of the thread. He's a work colleague, and though they don't work directly with each other, they do have contact. Anyway, around November last year they started messaging each other through fb even though they weren't friends. It started off with my fiance saying they enjoyed their chat and that a previous 'suggestion' was intentional.

He then said he couldn't believe he was going to send it but sent a message about a dream he had about her or something like that to do them having a kiss in a lift. My fiance then responded with a message about how she liked that and that she was going to have a shower and picture them taking things a little further.

Anyway, these messages progressed to full on quite graphic sexting back and forth over the next 5 weeks on a daily basis. The messages also talked about 'normal' stuff like how was your day, work-related stuff, and his and my fiances home life. And then they started to talk about how technically they hadn't done anything wrong but it could easily venture into more dangerous territory.

They then suggested a lunch meeting about what 'this' is, i.e the relationship. The next day was a work party and they discussed the 'drunken kiss' that had occurred and what it meant. My fiance said she didn't regret it and that it was quite enjoyable.

The messages carried on and there was another lunch-time sober kiss for a gift he had got her.

My fiance sent a message saying "I guess I would be right to assume we both want to take this further but perhaps are aware of the consequences......"

Then they both agreed that this was better discussed in person and agreed to arrange after work drinks. This was the last message before I found the messages yesterday.

As I read through the messages, I was shaking and I couldn't believe it. I was so scared about where this was going to end. My fiance got home and I confronted her. She swore blind that it was never her intention to sleep together but the most that would have happened had they mey would have been a kiss. She also said, the sexting was just words and that it was less to do with him per se rather an anonymous lover that turned her on. And that she enjoyed the attention.

I am so confused about what to do, we talked for 5 hours straight, into the early hours. I couldn't goto work today, but she had to as she was so busy, which I know is true. She told me she would tell him that it couldn't continue. She said that she truly loved me and that she still wanted to get married this year and have kids with me.

I don't know what to believe or think. DDay 1 is so hard. It seemed to me, more than sexting, it seemed to be developing into a relationship and as much as they hadnt agreed to meet for sex they had agreed to meet to discuss it and the consequences.

I can't imagine my life without her, we are so ingrained into each other's lives and families. But I can't help thinking that the relationship has moved on sexting and they were going to have an affair. I still don't understand my fiances true feelings for him.

And trust! What do I do about that - they work in the same building. She has been calling and texting me all day to make sure I'm ok. She said she'd had a message from him asking if everything was ok. She just said she was busy at work. She told me she is going to tell him that it can't continue, but she's been really busy. I'm so confused, angry, shocked and scared about the future.
 

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Hi there,

I've been with my fiance for 18 years, we both met when we were young, about 18 yrs old, and until yesterday I thought I knew her inside out. I had trust issues at the very start of our relationship after she had a drunken kiss while out on a girls night. After a few years these subsided and I believed that she would never cheat on me.

Since the end of last year, it seems she was much more interested in sex and we seemed to have it more regularly than the previous weekly session.

I got home last night from work and logged into facebook, and her profile was already logged in. I shouldn't have, but I clicked on the messages as there were 100's of messages between her and another guy whose married with a child. The last few messages was about arranging a meeting, so I went to the start of the thread. He's a work colleague, and though they don't work directly with each other, they do have contact. Anyway, around November last year they started messaging each other through fb even though they weren't friends. It started off with my fiance saying they enjoyed their chat and that a previous 'suggestion' was intentional.

He then said he couldn't believe he was going to send it but sent a message about a dream he had about her or something like that to do them having a kiss in a lift. My fiance then responded with a message about how she liked that and that she was going to have a shower and picture them taking things a little further.

Anyway, these messages progressed to full on quite graphic sexting back and forth over the next 5 weeks on a daily basis. The messages also talked about 'normal' stuff like how was your day, work-related stuff, and his and my fiances home life. And then they started to talk about how technically they hadn't done anything wrong but it could easily venture into more dangerous territory.

They then suggested a lunch meeting about what 'this' is, i.e the relationship. The next day was a work party and they discussed the 'drunken kiss' that had occurred and what it meant. My fiance said she didn't regret it and that it was quite enjoyable.

The messages carried on and there was another lunch-time sober kiss for a gift he had got her.

My fiance sent a message saying "I guess I would be right to assume we both want to take this further but perhaps are aware of the consequences......"

Then they both agreed that this was better discussed in person and agreed to arrange after work drinks. This was the last message before I found the messages yesterday.

As I read through the messages, I was shaking and I couldn't believe it. I was so scared about where this was going to end. My fiance got home and I confronted her. She swore blind that it was never her intention to sleep together but the most that would have happened had they mey would have been a kiss. She also said, the sexting was just words and that it was less to do with him per se rather an anonymous lover that turned her on. And that she enjoyed the attention.

I am so confused about what to do, we talked for 5 hours straight, into the early hours. I couldn't goto work today, but she had to as she was so busy, which I know is true. She told me she would tell him that it couldn't continue. She said that she truly loved me and that she still wanted to get married this year and have kids with me.

I don't know what to believe or think. DDay 1 is so hard. It seemed to me, more than sexting, it seemed to be developing into a relationship and as much as they hadnt agreed to meet for sex they had agreed to meet to discuss it and the consequences.

I can't imagine my life without her, we are so ingrained into each other's lives and families. But I can't help thinking that the relationship has moved on sexting and they were going to have an affair. I still don't understand my fiances true feelings for him.

And trust! What do I do about that - they work in the same building. She has been calling and texting me all day to make sure I'm ok. She said she'd had a message from him asking if everything was ok. She just said she was busy at work. She told me she is going to tell him that it can't continue, but she's been really busy. I'm so confused, angry, shocked and scared about the future.
Not much time right now, but if want any chance to salvage this, then the job must go now!! This not unlike an alcoholic. Your fiance is drunk on the attention she is getting from POSOM. The only way to break her of that addiction is to get her away from the source of the addiction: Him. If she were an alcoholic, would you allow her near a bar? No. If she were a crackhead, would you allow her near a crackhouse? No. It's the exact same thing.

Get her out of that job TODAY or prepare yourself to get out of this relationship.

It's the only way.

And that's just step 1.
 

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While you are committed and in love, you are not married and right now you should consider that a blessing. DO NOT MARRY HER, UNTIL THIS IS LONG BEHIND YOU. POSTPONE THE WEDDING FOR A FEW YEARS.

Just some thoughts as to what is necessary:

  • A no contact letter approved by you
  • She MUST quit her job
  • Postpone any wedding plans
  • She must admit to all friends and family what she did and that she was considering a physical affair with this guy.
  • She must be open and transparent to you with everything. Phone, e-mail, computer, work computer and all communication.
Unfortunately, you are going to have to be policeman and watch her like a hawk. Key Loggers and Voice Activated Recorders.

Edit: Perhaps you should consider moving out for a while to show her her actions had consequences. Her reaction would be key as you would see how committed she is to you and the relationship. If you want this relationship, you need to be prepared to lose it.

Also, Don't appear to be needy. Make her think you don't need her!
 

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She needs to quit that job and you need to call off the wedding ASAP. I'd also tell her family, friends, and if the guy she is cheating on you with is married or has a SO I'd tell her as well.

She's not going to stop just because you caught her, she's just going to try move underground with it. People in the midst of affairs are like drug addicts (and I know a few drug addicts). They'll make all the promises in the world, say whatever they have to, lie to whoever they have to as long as they can keep their fix going.

You need to draw some line in the sand boundries and be willing to walk if she crosses any. If you threaten her with consequences that you don't back up, she'll know she can just walk all over you and have her cake and eat it to.

But it's unlikely her affair with this guy is really over.
 

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Like all cheaters, she is minimizing what she's done and lying to you. It took a few days and a few whacks over the head, but my husband finally admitted that the intention to meet for sex is just as bad as actually doing it.

There are a couple of links in my sig that would help - the Newbie one especially. You need to demand that she do what the other posters have said, and she must do it now, without hesitation. Only then should you even consider staying with her.
 

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Hi there,

I've been with my fiance for 18 years, we both met when we were young, about 18 yrs old, and until yesterday I thought I knew her inside out. I had trust issues at the very start of our relationship after she had a drunken kiss while out on a girls night. After a few years these subsided and I believed that she would never cheat on me.

Since the end of last year, it seems she was much more interested in sex and we seemed to have it more regularly than the previous weekly session.

I got home last night from work and logged into facebook, and her profile was already logged in. I shouldn't have, but I clicked on the messages as there were 100's of messages between her and another guy whose married with a child. The last few messages was about arranging a meeting, so I went to the start of the thread. He's a work colleague, and though they don't work directly with each other, they do have contact. Anyway, around November last year they started messaging each other through fb even though they weren't friends. It started off with my fiance saying they enjoyed their chat and that a previous 'suggestion' was intentional.

He then said he couldn't believe he was going to send it but sent a message about a dream he had about her or something like that to do them having a kiss in a lift. My fiance then responded with a message about how she liked that and that she was going to have a shower and picture them taking things a little further.

Anyway, these messages progressed to full on quite graphic sexting back and forth over the next 5 weeks on a daily basis. The messages also talked about 'normal' stuff like how was your day, work-related stuff, and his and my fiances home life. And then they started to talk about how technically they hadn't done anything wrong but it could easily venture into more dangerous territory.

They then suggested a lunch meeting about what 'this' is, i.e the relationship. The next day was a work party and they discussed the 'drunken kiss' that had occurred and what it meant. My fiance said she didn't regret it and that it was quite enjoyable.

The messages carried on and there was another lunch-time sober kiss for a gift he had got her.

My fiance sent a message saying "I guess I would be right to assume we both want to take this further but perhaps are aware of the consequences......"

Then they both agreed that this was better discussed in person and agreed to arrange after work drinks. This was the last message before I found the messages yesterday.

As I read through the messages, I was shaking and I couldn't believe it. I was so scared about where this was going to end. My fiance got home and I confronted her. She swore blind that it was never her intention to sleep together but the most that would have happened had they mey would have been a kiss. She also said, the sexting was just words and that it was less to do with him per se rather an anonymous lover that turned her on. And that she enjoyed the attention.

I am so confused about what to do, we talked for 5 hours straight, into the early hours. I couldn't goto work today, but she had to as she was so busy, which I know is true. She told me she would tell him that it couldn't continue. She said that she truly loved me and that she still wanted to get married this year and have kids with me.

I don't know what to believe or think. DDay 1 is so hard. It seemed to me, more than sexting, it seemed to be developing into a relationship and as much as they hadnt agreed to meet for sex they had agreed to meet to discuss it and the consequences.

I can't imagine my life without her, we are so ingrained into each other's lives and families. But I can't help thinking that the relationship has moved on sexting and they were going to have an affair. I still don't understand my fiances true feelings for him.

And trust! What do I do about that - they work in the same building. She has been calling and texting me all day to make sure I'm ok. She said she'd had a message from him asking if everything was ok. She just said she was busy at work. She told me she is going to tell him that it can't continue, but she's been really busy. I'm so confused, angry, shocked and scared about the future.
:bsflag:

Send this bird packing and thank God that you were so fortunate that you discovered how unsuitable for marriage that she is before you found yourself in a very poor situation.
 

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They work in the same building, bad news. I would say she has to quit her job but what happens if she finds mr. right at the next one? When you feel better let the families know why the marriage may be called off and find out who the pos wife is and let her know about this.:mad:
 

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Clearly she loves him and not you. She wants him and not you. She is “settling” for you.

Sorry to say this, but you’re marrying someone who will continue to betray you as she apparently finds this stuff exciting and it meets a need she seems to want to have fulfilled.

I would call the marriage off, send copies of the messages to this guy’s wife and walk away from this relationship for at least a few months and then reassess if it should continue.
 

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Clearly she loves him and not you. She wants him and not you. She is “settling” for you.

Sorry to say this, but you’re marrying someone who will continue to betray you as she apparently finds this stuff exciting and it meets a need she seems to want to have fulfilled.

I would call the marriage off, send copies of the messages to this guy’s wife and walk away from this relationship for at least a few months and then reassess if it should continue.
I disagree with the first paragraph here. It is not "clear". My guess is she developed a crush on this guy and it went too far. Clearly an EA, but you snapped her out of her affair fog by confronting. Her checking up on you is a good sign.

But I do agree with you suspending the marriage for the time being. No way I just go through with it as it stands. This is a serious situation.

Um, can I ask why in the heck you've been with someone for 18 years and you are just now planning to get married? Something smells funny about that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
The other guys wife is a manic depressive and have a young child - I wouldn't feel comfortable exposing him. We've been engaged for 7 years - and everyone we know has asked the same thing. We were going to get married quite some time ago, but i went back to university for 3 years and just started work again. My fiance has wanted to get married and have kids for a while now. As much as she financially and mentally supported me for those 3 years, I always felt that she resented I put our life on hold. I'm getting so scared by the responses and that I may have to walk away. I always felt loved, but felt I loved her more.
 

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I haven't seen were you have stated if there are kids or not. If there are no kids....I would run for the hills. If she is willing to do this while you are not even married, then it will not be taboo when you are.
 

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The other guys wife is a manic depressive and have a young child - I wouldn't feel comfortable exposing him.
Just how do you know this?
 

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The other guys wife is a manic depressive and have a young child - I wouldn't feel comfortable exposing him.
But you are comfortable letting him have a sexual relationship with your wife?!?!

Who cares what his life situation is. He knew your wife was married, right?? TELL HIS WIFE. She deserves to know what kind of man she's married to. Save those chats and send them to her. If you don't, he will continue to lie to her. You're doing her a favor by telling her now and not making her wait another year or five to find out.
 

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When people show you who they are believe them.

Unless you want a new marriage where you have to police her and live in fear that she is up to it again, I think I would pack it in. Spending your life patrolling the perimeters of your relationship is not fun.

The memories taint everything, casting a shadow on the good times as well. Example, Christmas morning, husband is on the floor playing with our boys and all the new toys...such a Norman Rockwell moment, yet as I watched him, I remembered how this time last year he was plotting on how to leave us and run away with his online love.

You deserve a fresh start-
 

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Expose his crud to his wife--- otherwise he has no fear on his end and will just take their sexting underground. Why wouldn't he? If there are no consequences for his behavior he just keeps plugging away with his games at your expense.
 
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