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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hi,me and my wife have been married for 9 years,we have a beautiful 2 year old boy,and i love her dearly.with that being said i do believe she has had at least 1 affair on me.i found out she was talking to her ex boyfriend for over a year almost on a daily basis,she had his number under a fake name his name was pete but she had the contact listed as"amber"to hide it from me.he lives halfway across the country but there was one"business"trip she went on where im pretty sure they met up,he lives close to where she went and he called when her plane landed but i was told not to because her plane was landing too late.anyways she claims it was purely friendship,and he was just giving her advice on how to deal with our marital problems at the time,and that they were merely "catching up".she denies any wrong doing and says im crazy,we have fought about this many times.im told that im not to bring it up,if i do she immediately goes on the defense and it turns into a huge fight,so i hold it all in but it consumes me to the point where i cant even function or enjoy life anymore,any advice or input will be appreciated thanks.
 

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Start digging. VAR, keylogger, spyware on her phone, whatever it takes. She's lying to you. Do not confront her till you have evidence - if you do she will just lie her way out of it.

Have a look at the newbie link in my signature.

Is this guy married? Maybe contact his wife.

When you find out exactly what she's up to, what do you want? Reconcile or divorce?
 

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Start digging. VAR, keylogger, spyware on her phone, whatever it takes. She's lying to you. Do not confront her till you have evidence - if you do she will just lie her way out of it.

Have a look at the newbie link in my signature.

Is this guy married? Maybe contact his wife.

When you find out exactly what she's up to, what do you want? Reconcile or divorce?
Pretty much it. She has no right talking about or seeking advice for her marital problems to a member of the opposite sex unless it is a counselor. If she is unhappy regarding anything about you, she needs to let YOU know first.

Do not tolerate the mushroom treatment!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
yeah,i know shes not doing it anymore,after she got caught she deleted pretty much everything before i could get to it,facebook/myspace messages,text messages,phone numbers,ect.my problem is that she wont come clean and admit it,she wont even admit having an emotional affair,i mean who "catches up"everyday for a year? i did read one message where she was saying how"special"he is to her and how she doesnt have sex with me,which is a lie,however she claims it was purely friendship,but im sure there were more messages,but like i said they were all deleted before i could get to them,she says she is sorry and has been kissing my ass and being ms perfect wife,and says this was a wakeup call for our marriage,i just wish she would admit the truth so we can move on but if she cant tell the truth about this what else is she lying about?can i ever trust her again?
 

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You can't trust her until she's honest which from what you say she hasn't been. She's trying to rugsweep her affair which does not work. It's going to eat at you until it's resolved.

Have you laid down any consequences for her?
 

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Offer her to take a polygraph and see her reaction.
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How dare you, how could you even not believe me your wife. I have never done anything to make it seem like I was cheating.

Croc tears, croc tears, croc tears. I need time to think about us now....

Then you get the cold shoulder from her hoping you'll cave in and go groveling back to her to apologize for being such an @ss and it's all your fault. Then you need to work on your insecurity and jealousy.
 

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How dare you, how could you even not believe me your wife. I have never done anything to make it seem like I was cheating.

Croc tears, croc tears, croc tears. I need time to think about us now....

Then you get the cold shoulder from her hoping you'll cave in and go groveling back to her to apologize for being such an @ss and it's all your fault. Then you need to work on your insecurity and jealousy.
Ya I don't really get the point of asking for a polygraph when they're either still having the affair or won't even admit to having one period. They're just going to refuse. And you know what the reaction is going to be.
 

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How dare you, how could you even not believe me your wife. I have never done anything to make it seem like I was cheating.

Croc tears, croc tears, croc tears. I need time to think about us now....

Then you get the cold shoulder from her hoping you'll cave in and go groveling back to her to apologize for being such an @ss and it's all your fault. Then you need to work on your insecurity and jealousy.

Ding ding ding ! We have a winner
 

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I repeat:

Start digging. VAR, keylogger, spyware on her phone, whatever it takes. She's lying to you. Do not confront her till you have evidence - if you do she will just lie her way out of it.

Have a look at the newbie link in my signature.

Is this guy married? Maybe contact his wife.

When you find out exactly what she's up to, what do you want? Reconcile or divorce?
 

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yeah,i know shes not doing it anymore,after she got caught she deleted pretty much everything before i could get to it,facebook/myspace messages,text messages,phone numbers,ect.my problem is that she wont come clean and admit it,she wont even admit having an emotional affair,i mean who "catches up"everyday for a year? i did read one message where she was saying how"special"he is to her and how she doesnt have sex with me,which is a lie,however she claims it was purely friendship,but im sure there were more messages,but like i said they were all deleted before i could get to them,she says she is sorry and has been kissing my ass and being ms perfect wife,and says this was a wakeup call for our marriage,i just wish she would admit the truth so we can move on but if she cant tell the truth about this what else is she lying about?can i ever trust her again?
Gee. Why would someone go through all the trouble of deleting facebook, myspace and text messages if nothing happened and there wasn't "even" an emotional affair? For that matter why would she put Pete's name as Amber? I mean, it's not like she had anything to hide at all because she told you nothing happened!

Brother, take 20 minutes and read through any number of threads here and unfortunately you're gonna see one thing: Every single story has the wayward spouse saying the same sh-t. It's in the script. A f'ng script that somehow they share through osmosis or something cuz they all say the same.
 

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Start digging. VAR, keylogger, spyware on her phone, whatever it takes. She's lying to you. Do not confront her till you have evidence - if you do she will just lie her way out of it.

Have a look at the newbie link in my signature.

Is this guy married? Maybe contact his wife.

When you find out exactly what she's up to, what do you want? Reconcile or divorce?
That's a lot to throw at him at once, maybe.

OP, which of those things can you start doing within the next few days? Are you ready to take those actionable steps? If not, why?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
yup,i definitely heard all that crap from her,first of all im far from perfect but i hate when she blames her behavior on me,it was all my fault,as far as polygraphs go i really dont believe in them,i think they are inaccurate she says she will take one but she could be bluffing,but is it possible she didnt physically cheat? we all know she emotionally did and i would be willing to forgive that if she would admit it,she claims she is dishonest with me to avoid a confrontation,we went to two different marriage counselors and they both took her side and told me to move forward,and that im crazy,but i just cant ignore my gut feeling...this is torture
 

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yup,i definitely heard all that crap from her,first of all im far from perfect but i hate when she blames her behavior on me,it was all my fault,as far as polygraphs go i really dont believe in them,i think they are inaccurate she says she will take one but she could be bluffing,but is it possible she didnt physically cheat? we all know she emotionally did and i would be willing to forgive that if she would admit it,she claims she is dishonest with me to avoid a confrontation,we went to two different marriage counselors and they both took her side and told me to move forward,and that im crazy,but i just cant ignore my gut feeling...this is torture
This is why Marriage counseling is such an awful idea. They have no freaking clue how to handle marriages on the rocks due to infidelity. You need to dump these two yesterday.
 

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yup,i definitely heard all that crap from her,first of all im far from perfect but i hate when she blames her behavior on me,it was all my fault,as far as polygraphs go i really dont believe in them,i think they are inaccurate she says she will take one but she could be bluffing,but is it possible she didnt physically cheat? we all know she emotionally did and i would be willing to forgive that if she would admit it,she claims she is dishonest with me to avoid a confrontation,we went to two different marriage counselors and they both took her side and told me to move forward,and that im crazy,but i just cant ignore my gut feeling...this is torture
Man, my wife had a five year long affair. When I first confronted her about it, do ya know what she told me? That I didn't give her enough intimacy.

Intimacy.

Are you f'ng kidding me?

Seriously, I gave her everything she ever dreamed of and always, ALWAYS gave her intimacy. The rewriting of marrital history is what she had done, and it's what your wife is doing right now.

The good news is I snapped her out of her affair fog within a couple hours and her false reality world came crashing down on her pretty hard. She has shown me remorse every day since. And Dday was 3/6/2012. Every day.

Don't let her gaslight you, brother. Don't let her trickle truth you. THAT is the stuff that kills marriages faster than the act of the affair itself.
 

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Did you bring up to her if it was just a friend that she was catching up with, then why did she have to have a fake name ?

She is what is called rug sweeping. Hit swift and hit hard. She is yelling to make you back off. The more she yells, the more you have to be calm but stern.

It is similar to what happen to me. They had the Emotional Affair and then sealed the deal with a Physical Affair, then of course went back to EA. They are just planning the next visit together or how she is going to leave.

She deleted everything, so she is ashamed and embarrassed.

You need to do the 180 steps.

I would get divorce papers written up and an appointment with a marriage counselor and tell her its this ( show her the D papers ) or this and show her the appointment card.

But I would blow her up and this guy up to everyone. You need to slap her in the face with it until she crumbles. Let her get inundated with phone calls from family and friend on wtf is going on. Let her family shame her and hopefully some rational friends.

Then blow this man up if he is married or dating.. Make him busy enough with his own problems that he won't have time to deal with your wife.

If she keeps denying just keep going with the divorce papers and show her your not fu.cking around. You really need to scare her into letting know your really ready to walk.

I didn't do any of this and pretty much pus.sied out.

This is why my wife is leaving me with my 2 kids. Because I didn't do this, it allowed her to walk all over me even more, which now has crushed any and all chances of making this work out, ever because now that I have gathered my senses I can see what a piece of work she is and my pride will not let me go through this again with her.

Its retarded I know. You need to really make a very simple, strong statement its either me or we are done and you cannot blink at all in this staring contest, because it will cost you your marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
wow,am i glad i found this site,its amazing how i didnt see this all before,trickle truth,rug sweeping,she is doing all that and more,i guess all cheaters have the same handbook,as far as spyware and tapping her phone goes,im not very computer savy when it comes to that kind of stuff,i tried to install spyware on her phone but i couldnt get it to work,im not really worried about my future im a good looking,successful guy,would have no problem getting a date if i were to be single,but i want to try to save the marriage if possible for my little boy,i never had a father growing up and i want to be here for him so im torn,i guess im in a state of limbo right now..
 
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