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My daughter is graduating HS in May. She is going to nearby college. I've been helping her with registration, etc. I've been separated since 05. Divorced since 06. I went overboard (my view) protecting my daughter from "pain" during and after divorce. Spoiled her. I don't feel she respects me. Her mother and I not on good terms. I remarried 11 months ago. My wife and I are living back and forth in two states for a time. Her son graduates in June. My daughter picked dates for college orientation. I told her when she let me know (this was some time ago) I was planing on being gone then (for step-son's grad). Orientation packet came with the conflicting dates. I reminded (in email about the material) her I planned on being out of state that week. Offered she could go with her mom, her future roommate or by herself (she's capable) if she didn't want to reschedule. She blasted txt back saying it was the two most important days of her summer and she wasn't going to change her dates to accommodate my travel (even though shifting by a mere two days would do it). She said if it meant enough to me I'd be there. I sent her orientation dates that would work for me. No word from her. Am I wrong for thinking she should move her dates and not put me in the position of choosing on or the other?
 

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50/50

Neither of you is right or wrong. However, she's at an age where everything is magnified in her mind, and she's thinking in very black and white terms. There is the right thing to do (her way) and everything else is wrong. There's not much room for gray areas.

If you put your foot down and INSIST on her changing it, and do it with the reminder that you love her and it's important to you to be there, but say that you cannot reschedule, it will produce a bigger fight in the beginning and more appreciation later, I suspect.

On the other hand, it could go the opposite way and she could cling to how mean you were.

Unfortunately, she's just at that age....

The good news is she'll outgrow it in another five or six years.
 

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Speak to her message, HERS, not the message you are hearing.

What you think you hear: You were wrong to not keep your schedule open for me.

WhatI think her message is: I need to know I'm still the most important thing in your life. I need you to reassure me that I'm still your baby girl.

Can you address her message, reassure her, and get the dates changed? Yes, if you do it in that order.
 

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Even without the complications that blended families can bring we all face conflicting scheduling priorities. I our house we have a weekly planner on the wall and a diary hanging next to it and we are all supposed to check these before we book anything else but even with a process and the best will in the world sometimes you want to be in two places at once.

In the situation that you face I would just tell your daughter that you love her and would like to be with her but as you cannot make the date she has be given. Remind her that you did give her your dates in advance and that if she can reschedule you will go with her; reassure her off your continued love and support.

She might not see things your way in the short term but try not to let it affect your long term relationship.
 

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50/50

Neither of you is right or wrong. However, she's at an age where everything is magnified in her mind, and she's thinking in very black and white terms. There is the right thing to do (her way) and everything else is wrong. There's not much room for gray areas.

If you put your foot down and INSIST on her changing it, and do it with the reminder that you love her and it's important to you to be there, but say that you cannot reschedule, it will produce a bigger fight in the beginning and more appreciation later, I suspect.

On the other hand, it could go the opposite way and she could cling to how mean you were.

Unfortunately, she's just at that age....

The good news is she'll outgrow it in another five or six years.
:iagree:

But keep in mind her age.

I think he should change his date and go visit her. She is the victim of divorce and she is essentially being told "sorry I cant do it this time because you come in 2nd". This is hard for kids to understand EVEN if they are the one who mismanaged the time.

You should always be there for your child, AND she is at an age where there is a good chance (if they are not close) that she will be angry at him for this and NOT understand.
 

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It doesn't matter if she's wrong and the circumstances of your divorce are not relevant. She will always be the victim of the divorce. She's basically being told she's your second priority.
This^^ is how kids see it. She says these 2 days are the most important days of the summer to her. HELLO! What she is wanting is to see that he will go above and beyond for her and be there.

Its the little things that mean the most to kids especially girls. A little thing like being there during this date. I say this affects girls more, because I grew up with an older brother and sisters and me and my brother would not have been bothered if our parents could not make it to orientation for college. Heck I went to a college orientation with a friend once and no parents. While my sisters would of been upset if our parents could not go with them.
 

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:iagree:

But keep in mind her age.

I think he should change his date and go visit her. She is the victim of divorce and she is essentially being told "sorry I cant do it this time because you come in 2nd". This is hard for kids to understand EVEN if they are the one who mismanaged the time.

You should always be there for your child, AND she is at an age where there is a good chance (if they are not close) that she will be angry at him for this and NOT understand.
I understand why people feel he should change the date, and yes, it would produce a better response from her and help her feel she's still his number 1. However, it will have a negative effect on others. In my opinion, she needs to learn to give, too. He said he's been very indulgent.

My stepdaughter of a similar age has been indulged by her dad a bunch, while my own children were not. He has a better relationship with her than I had with my kids at the same ages, but she's a mess... moved out, doing drugs, working crazy awful hours just to pay her mother's bills, no real hope of college because she's skipping school and failing classes. She My kids are now in their 20s and struggling, but never to the extent she is. Perhaps she'll come around, but as of right now, she's continuing to be the spoiled princess and it has been getting worse. I hope the OP doesn't let that happen.
 

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Re: Re: Daughter Says Shes Isn't Important to Me

It doesn't matter if she's wrong and the circumstances of your divorce are not relevant. She will always be the victim of the divorce. She's basically being told she's your second priority.
I agree. She is your daughter. Put her first. College is a big step for her. Be flattered that its important to her to have you there with her.
 

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She's going to university to learn. She's already learning that she's not the center of the universe, that everyone has obligations, and no one can or will accommodate her at all times.
If she's old enough to attend university, she's old enough to attend orientation alone, to arrange an alternate, or to adjust her travel dates.
Her folks got divorced and that was awful. Suck it up and drive on. Other bad things are going to happen in her life. She will meet students at college who are blind, some missing limbs, some who left their homes overseas and won't see their parents for four years, some who have to visit their parents in a cemetery. She's going to get tough and use the blessings she's been given or those who refuse to be victims are going to be her boss. She should have left this manipulative wounded princess routine around age 12.
While this darling goes to college, other girls her age are sucking sand and dodging bullets in Afghanistan. If she woke up with both arms, both legs, two live parents, adequate food and shelter, in a free country, she's blessed beyond belief. Life is harsh and it doesn't get easier, especially for whiners. She needs to tuck that lower lip back, lose the attitude, and learn to appreciate being one of the privileged few.
 

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I agree. She is your daughter. Put her first. College is a big step for her. Be flattered that its important to her to have you there with her.
I don't know. Sure strikes me a dancing to her tune.

He told her the dates of the step brothers graduation (a date that can't be changed). Did it months in advance. She gets her dates. Dates that are movable. She refuses to move them and then tells her dad its him or me. She is creating the drama then demanding that he solve it.

I understand that divorce is hard. I don't know what else has gone on in the OPs relationship with his daughter. But jumping to this sure seems like a recipe for encouraging this sort of behavior from her. Whenever she wants her way, does she get to pull this card? When does it end?
 

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She's going to university to learn. She's already learning that she's not the center of the universe, that everyone has obligations, and no one can or will accommodate her at all times.
If she's old enough to attend university, she's old enough to attend orientation alone, to arrange an alternate, or to adjust her travel dates.
Her folks got divorced and that was awful. Suck it up and drive on. Other bad things are going to happen in her life. She will meet students at college who are blind, some missing limbs, some who left their homes overseas and won't see their parents for four years, some who have to visit their parents in a cemetery. She's going to get tough and use the blessings she's been given or those who refuse to be victims are going to be her boss. She should have left this manipulative wounded princess routine around age 12.
While this darling goes to college, other girls her age are sucking sand and dodging bullets in Afghanistan. If she woke up with both arms, both legs, two live parents, adequate food and shelter, in a free country, she's blessed beyond belief. Life is harsh and it doesn't get easier, especially for whiners. She needs to tuck that lower lip back, lose the attitude, and learn to appreciate being one of the privileged few.
I hate whiners as well. I was the child of multiple divorces and was out on my ass at 15 with no support. Thankfully my grandparents picked up the slack. However, comparing this situation to world hunger does not invalidate his daughter feelings. The "she should be thankful for her priviledged life" argument could be applied to the majority of the posts here so if that's that's case what's the point of this forum?

She very well may be an entitled princess, but she's his princess. She cried out a bit irrationally for his support and he showed his real colors. He won't be able to take that back.
 

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It should be a mandatory part of anyone's higher education for them to travel through and perform some service in the 3rd world. If English is your native language, you aren't having a bad day, especially if you are female. Your sisters in other countries are sold into prostitution by their fathers, sometimes killed at birth because they have a vagina, subjected to genital mutilation, sometimes promised in marriage as children, and most of the rest live in abject poverty. Girls are killed or maimed in Afghanistan for the crime of just trying to go to elementary school. The life of an average "oppressed" American young lady is something most of the world doesn't even dare to dream about. We should seriously drop to our knees every morning and give thanks. If the OP could take his daughter somewhere, it ought to be to India, Pakistan, or anyplace in Africa.
 

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My daughter is graduating HS in May. She is going to nearby college. I've been helping her with registration, etc. I've been separated since 05. Divorced since 06. I went overboard (my view) protecting my daughter from "pain" during and after divorce. Spoiled her. I don't feel she respects me. Her mother and I not on good terms. I remarried 11 months ago. My wife and I are living back and forth in two states for a time. Her son graduates in June. My daughter picked dates for college orientation. I told her when she let me know (this was some time ago) I was planing on being gone then (for step-son's grad). Orientation packet came with the conflicting dates. I reminded (in email about the material) her I planned on being out of state that week. Offered she could go with her mom, her future roommate or by herself (she's capable) if she didn't want to reschedule. She blasted txt back saying it was the two most important days of her summer and she wasn't going to change her dates to accommodate my travel (even though shifting by a mere two days would do it). She said if it meant enough to me I'd be there. I sent her orientation dates that would work for me. No word from her. Am I wrong for thinking she should move her dates and not put me in the position of choosing on or the other?


Yes. Sorry. You're wrong.

See...you don't pick the 11 month relationship with Step-son/new-wife over the 18 or so year relationship with your daughter.

And that's how she'll view this

And yeah, no doubt she's TESTING you in a sense, seeing if you'll pick her over them

Admittedly this isn't wise or noble behavior on her part...but I would never expect or demand wise and noble sentiments from a young girl whose family was broken up against her will, and whose father is building a new life and seemingly 'replacing' her

In her mind she wants some proof that you'd pick her "life milestone" over step-son's milestone

And honesty, you should

I mean, does he really want you there? That has not been my general experience regarding these kinds of situations (so my guess is that your attendance is more a want of his mother's than his)

Anyway, you'll do as you will, but do know: she will hold this against you and add it to the pile of resentment fodder she probably already has fairly stacked.

I didn't think you handled that facebook photo issue in a manner beneficial to your relationship with her

This won't help matters.
 

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I hate whiners as well. I was the child of multiple divorces and was out on my ass at 15 with no support. Thankfully my grandparents picked up the slack. However, comparing this situation to world hunger does not invalidate his daughter feelings. The "she should be thankful for her priviledged life" argument could be applied to the majority of the posts here so if that's that's case what's the point of this forum?

She very well may be an entitled princess, but she's his princess. She cried out a bit irrationally for his support and he showed his real colors. He won't be able to take that back.
:iagree:

Yes. Sorry. You're wrong.

See...you don't pick the 11 month relationship with Step-son/new-wife over the 18 or so year relationship with your daughter.

And that's how she'll view this

And yeah, no doubt she's TESTING you in a sense, seeing if you'll pick her over them

Admittedly this isn't wise or noble behavior on her part...but I would never expect or demand wise and noble sentiments from a young girl whose family was broken up against her will, and whose father is building a new life and seemingly 'replacing' her

In her mind she wants some proof that you'd pick her "life milestone" over step-son's milestone

And honesty, you should

I mean, does he really want you there? That has not been my general experience regarding these kinds of situations (so my guess is that your attendance is more a want of his mother's than his)

Anyway, you'll do as will, but do know: she will hold this against you and add it to the pile of resentment fodder she probably already has fairly stacked.

I didn't think you handled that facebook photo issue in a manner beneficial to your relationship with her

This won't help matters.
All of this.

This is how kids see it.
 
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