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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel heartbroken.

I dated this guy for 5 months and we have a good sexual relationship. He told me he would like to settle down when he is sure that we are truly right for each other, meanwhile I am free to date anyone I like.

Is there something wrong with this scenario? I went through a hard divorce and I cannot handle another drama. Should I walk away from this new relationship before it kills me?
 

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My rule has always been that I don't sleep with someone until the relationship is exclusive, period. I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who is sharing the same thing with any number of people. It would be meaningless.

OP, I think your BF has told you how he stands in your relationship, and I think you have to decide whether or not that sort of relationship is for you.
 

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Is there something wrong with this scenario?
Allow me to translate LiarSpeak for you, Costa.
He told me he would like to settle down when he is sure that we are truly right for each other
"I would like to settle for you when I am done chasing anyone else who attracts my attention; and when I am sure I can't get anyone hotter than you. You are my Plan B."
meanwhile I am free to date anyone I like.
"I don't value you enough to want to be exclusive with you, so don't get the wrong idea that you're 'special', because you're not. But I'd still like to fvck you when I can!"

There you go; now that you've removed the forked-tongue, double-speak, it's really quite clear (and quite simple), isn't it? ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I was out of the dating circuit for so long (was married), and I thought that has left me clueless to how people date these days.
 

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"You're free to date anyone you like." (cause I certainly intend to keep doing exactly that).

"I'd like to settle down when I'm sure we're completely right for each other." (I love milk but that doesn't make me a dairy farmer)
 

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Besides love, companionship and partnership, relationships are also about communications and boundaries. Clearly you two weren't communicating. Did you two agree that you had an exclusive relationship or did you just assume it was. Also, if you did agree that you had an exclusive relationship, did you discuss boundaries? Clearly you guys aren't on the same page. Dating is not like when I was younger, you have to get things out on the table not and be clear about them.
 

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Sorry for your hearbreak, but it's better to move on and let this guy play around with whomever he wants. If you are looking for a relationship with more substance, keep sex off of the table for a while with the next guy until you are more exclusive. Communicate and make sure early on about what it is that you are looking for.
 

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If you are looking for a relationship with more substance, keep sex off of the table for a while with the next guy until you are more exclusive.
I can't agree with this point. I've found that sex is one of the important ways a man decides whether a woman is worth being with. Bad sex will equal a quick fade even after they've become exclusive.

Plus, people fall for people who are "into" them. Withholding sex for some arbitrary point is just a way of saying, "I'm not that into you."

As one of the five pillars of compatibility, I would encourage you to do whatever feels natural to you sexually, but remain aware that you are still learning about areas that you are or are not compatible on.

I have to articles on my blog related to this topic that can help you decide how long you should or shouldn't wait:

How Soon Should You Have Sex in a New Relationship?

5 Pillars of Compatibility (& Incompatibility)
 

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I can't agree with this point. I've found that sex is one of the important ways a man decides whether a woman is worth being with. Bad sex will equal a quick fade even after they've become exclusive.

Plus, people fall for people who are "into" them. Withholding sex for some arbitrary point is just a way of saying, "I'm not that into you."

As one of the five pillars of compatibility, I would encourage you to do whatever feels natural to you sexually, but remain aware that you are still learning about areas that you are or are not compatible on.
I disagree with the above bolded part. I didn't have sex with my husband prior to marriage, not because I wasn't into him, but because of a vow that I made not only to myself, but to my faith. It was hard, and we crossed some lines, but didn't have sex. Now of course this is not true for everyone, but I disagree that it says that you're not into them.

I do think that when sex is not on the table at the beginning you can filter through what a person is like, and if you are compatible in other areas.nsex can cloud emotions for some.

I have not read your articles yet but looking forward to reading them later.
 

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Hello dear almost my name, if he is dating other people "while in a relationship" then there is no relationship at all. At least not on his part. What he is saying to you is that he likes to bang you but he isn't in it for something more.

Positive thing is, he was honest with you. He could have string you along and deceive you. You have to at least give him that.
 

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I can't agree with this point. I've found that sex is one of the important ways a man decides whether a woman is worth being with. Bad sex will equal a quick fade even after they've become exclusive.

Plus, people fall for people who are "into" them. Withholding sex for some arbitrary point is just a way of saying, "I'm not that into you."

As one of the five pillars of compatibility, I would encourage you to do whatever feels natural to you sexually, but remain aware that you are still learning about areas that you are or are not compatible on.

I have to articles on my blog related to this topic that can help you decide how long you should or shouldn't wait:

How Soon Should You Have Sex in a New Relationship?

5 Pillars of Compatibility (& Incompatibility)
I agree with this. I think men in particular will avoid the Friendzone better when they insist on progressing physical affection..... that is holding hands, kissing and so on. If a woman doesn't like doing those things with him, she is letting him know that she just thinks of him as a friend.

One turning point between my fiancé and his EA was a moment in which she rejected a "passionate" kiss from him....his words. Looking at it from a guy's point of view, I would tell him that if his partner refuses to have sex with him by the time they are exclusive he should move on.

I've met a few waiting until marriage types......ironically never married but non virgin types. either they are trying to create roadblocks to explain why they can't get a date or they are trying to get something for nothing........
 

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I feel heartbroken.

I dated this guy for 5 months and we have a good sexual relationship. He told me he would like to settle down when he is sure that we are truly right for each other, meanwhile I am free to date anyone I like.

Is there something wrong with this scenario? I went through a hard divorce and I cannot handle another drama. Should I walk away from this new relationship before it kills me?
Hmmmm. I think you should be thankful that you've only invested a few months in this person, and you should also be thankful for his mislaid honesty.

If you're not the type that can carry on a casual relationship, and it doesn't sound as though you are, then walk away.
 

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I can't agree with this point. I've found that sex is one of the important ways a man decides whether a woman is worth being with. Bad sex will equal a quick fade even after they've become exclusive.
Perhaps. However, many women (particularly young women) bond with men during sex, and this can cause an unhealthy dynamic if the guy is still playing the field. Besides which, if the guy isn't practising safe sex with his other partners, it can be downright dangerous.
 

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I feel heartbroken.

I dated this guy for 5 months and we have a good sexual relationship. He told me he would like to settle down when he is sure that we are truly right for each other, meanwhile I am free to date anyone I like.

Is there something wrong with this scenario? I went through a hard divorce and I cannot handle another drama. Should I walk away from this new relationship before it kills me?
That's what happens when you don't set the boundaries clear since the beginning and you don't know what you're looking for from each other...then you find yourself being partners with benefits.


I can't agree with this point. I've found that sex is one of the important ways a man decides whether a woman is worth being with. Bad sex will equal a quick fade even after they've become exclusive.
Nobody was suggesting that the OP should have waited to marry this guy to have sex with him but having exclusive sex and shared sex are two different things.
The OP has been having the latter and she's not satisfied thus she should move on.
 
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