[Not]

Ok, I'm going to begin by saying that as far as being affectionate goes I can come off as really standoff-ish when I first start talking to someone. I say this when comparing myself to how some men seem to converse, how some of them can come off which can be rather forward in my opinion. I do not shower them with compliments outside of telling them I think they are good looking or complimenting them on certain talents they have. I'm very nice but I do not ever go over-board in any way, shape or form. Conversation with me is very straight forward and to the point with some friendly and maybe slightly flirty banter thrown in.

I've noticed most men seem to be much more forward, at least compared to me. The compliments can be downright awkard! I'm wondering if this is typical? And if so, I'm wondering if it's because men are known to think with their little head lol! Is sex drive the engine behind the compliments? (I'm sure some women can be like this too and would love to hear stories about that!) Or is it just plain ole interest? Or can it be manipulation and if so, how do you know when it's crossing over into manipulation?

I react negatively to some of this stuff. Like it's just too much to say to someone you've never met and have only messaged with for a few days. But then I stop and question myself because I know it's something that's just very different than my way of doing things and then I feel bad about thinking negatively about them!

I've been told I'm sort of on the cold side when it comes to showing affection in my relationships and I do admit it takes me much longer to warm up to the level most men have shown me right away. I need to build some trust first, before I start baring my heart and telling them how I really see them. So I guess, in a way, compliments just don't come easily for me because I see it as a form real intimacy.

Thoughts? Am I just cold lol?

 

[Not]

Do you have some specific examples of what they say that makes you react negatively? And what is something specific that you would say that is complimentary, that you can't say until you have built trust?

It's difficult for me to understand what you are talking about without specific examples.

Sure. I'm talking to someone now who was injured last week and has been down for the count. He may need surgery. Didn't hear from him again till today and he tells me he missed me and calls me his angel saying he wishes I could nurse him back to health. I ask how his pain is and he says he couldn't hold me as tight as he would want but it wouldn't be from lack of effort. We've never met! He's been hot and heavy on the compliments from day one.

I'm wondering if I'm just squirmy. My intitial reaction to his messages today was that they were over the top but I question if I'm just cold. I was raised in a family that never showed affection.

 

[Not]

Too add to that though, he isn't the first one to talk like that. I honestly don't know what to think of it. So many men do it.

 

[Not]

I know exactly what you’re saying and I react the same when it happens. It feels very insincere and agenda-driven. I think those men are love-bombing, so to speak, in the hope it’ll lead to something they really do care about.

I agree and it's sad because they're probably sincere in their hope to meet someone but they need to realize the immediate smothering has the opposite effect! Glad to know it's not just me and I can't see a woman acting that way!

 

[Not]

Sometimes, yes.

This is why when I meet someone I really want to date, I bring my A game, and my A game is more restraining myself than anything. Stay cool RD, cool calm and collected. Flirty, but never overbearing, confident, but not arrogant. Words chosen carefully, staying composed.

Otherwise I become a creep.

Thanks for the peek inside the male mind RD. The man in question also told me if he were to tell me what he really saw in me he might scare me off. Is that something similar to what you experience in your thoughts? Kind of sounds like it.

 

[Not]

Woah. That’s weird.

I would never think to say those things to someone I haven’t even met yet. I can’t imagine saying something like that without at least dating for a long time with someone I actually love.

I didn’t know there are guys out there that do that. Ewww… I’d steer clear of that type. That reeks of desperation.

Yep, they walk among us lol! Kind of feel sorry for them but can't get past the creep factor enough to actually meet with them.

 

[Not]

I'm the same. I'm cool and collected at the beginning. I hate a lot of compliments when the guy doesn't really know me. I would accept appearance compliments, but not about my personality because it takes time to get to know me.

I remember breaking up with a guy who told me I was the love of his life after a month of dating. It made me feel smothered and pressured to love him back. It was too much for me.

I completely understand how you feel. I don't think the guy is good for you.

Yep, if someone were to move way too fast with the love stuff I'd slam on the breaks thinking there was something really off with the guy. I think this particular guy would be just like your ex.

 

[Not]

I'm the same way! Heck, I have a hard time saying ILY, especially now I'm a bit jaded about that. Ironically, the only person who ever did that was my exH... I was young and stupid at the time and totally fell for it 😆 .

If that came out of a grown man's mouth, I'd run away so fast!🏃‍♀️

See, I was thinking about that too. A grown man said these things. It comes off as emotional immaturity too so in what others ways will he be stunted?

 

[Not]

Woman here but yes the over forward stuff usually takes me aback.

I cringe when I read that men expect sex the 1st date or by date 3 or they assume women just aren't into them and move on.

I think this is simply a symptom of that. He's being overly affectionate with someone he really doesn't know hoping there will be sex soon or the first time you meet. If you aren't into that kind of thing I'd just move on.

It's difficult to say what his end goal is, although he's a man and he's human so sex would be an eventual hope of his I'm sure. But it's very difficult to find someone on these apps who's local, decent looking and has their life together AND has similar values and lifestyles so when it happens I can see how some men may be too "loud" with their excitement.

I know I personally get very excited when I finally start talking to someone who seems to have all or most of those boxes checked but like RD, I restrain myself and don't get dumb about it. I keep my head on straight. It could be that some of these men just get that excited about finally finding a decent match and they lose their heads about it. It's something I actually strongly suspect because it really is that hard to find a good match. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

 

[Not]

I have no idea if it's typical of online dating. However, as you said, you've never met. For what it's worth, I think self-reflection and observing 'feedback' can be good and healthy - yet also trusting yourself can be good and healthy. In this instance, my suggestion to you would be not to doubt yourself. That style of interaction isn't vibing with you and perhaps causing your spidey senses to tingle. Go with that. Question him/them (as you are), not yourself.

I won't meet with someone who makes me feel uncomfortable even if there's a possibility they may mean well. It does get me to wondering about my own levels of affection though.

 

[Not]

In regards to sex on the 1st date or even the 3rd or 5th that's not my style, typically. I've done that twice in my three years of dating. First with a man I wound up dating for 18 months but we had explosive chemistry from the start and that chemistry never died, even at the end. And second, with a man I was giving serious consideration too, very serious consideration.

So I don't knock all women who do it but I do knock women if that's their MO especially if their using it as means to snare the man. That's risky behavior and I'm not willing to risk my health and safety.

 

[Not]

Sometimes they have a point though, I was date 5 with the last one and didn't get to first base. After I decided to become friends turns out the feeling was quite mutual. So they were right.

I'm like you RD, if there are no fireworks I take that as a sign.

 

[Not]

You'd be surprised! I've heard stories of some bunny boilers (women).

True. I had one guy tell me a story of a woman he had two dates with. He was also still meeting other women, checking out his options. He invited the first woman to his house for a third date and she asked about not hearing from him the day before and he told her he'd gone on a date. She lost it and started hitting and punching him!

 

[Not]

Yes, you are cold.

That said, being warm invites the lonely men out from their cold spells.

It soon invites the warm compliments, and the cold groping hands.
Cold hands, warm heart?

You have learned, you have conditioned yourself to be wary, weary of men and their predick-table actions.

And yes, it is the little head being bolstered by the head-of-steam that male hormones naturally build up.

My suggestion?

Expect these clumsy attempts that many men use to get close to you.
Do not take them personal.

The real players are more polished, and more deadly....selfish.
Normal men are often, not so suave, not so good at getting 'their way'.

Is it not good that you find yourself wanted?
What woman would want a man who finds her 'not desirable'?
A woman found desirable is sought, and yes, in some way, stalked.

How these suitors go about getting to know you, getting close to you, is the key to finding a compatible lover.

Work within those constraints.

Sort through the men coming on to you.

Fear men, less.



The Typist- fear me not, I tie no knots, unseen.
Uh, maybe I do.

I really like this post, food for thought. Thank you SunCMars. The part about how they go about getting to know me being key strikes home.

I had a date last night. I saw him as a total dud, no fire at all. No sex appeal, just nothing and flat. I kept thinking he needs to find himself a little dormouse. So the total opposite of the previously mentioned man. One each on opposite ends of the spectrum. Looks like I'm attracted to a man who knows balance.

 

[Not]

Yes he is probably going through something personal-- maybe reeling from recent divorce or just having a hard time being single and ok with himself.

He's a widower.