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Discussion Starter #1
Hi Guys and Gals, I am new here as you might have noticed but I just need some advice honestly with my boyfriend for like six months. He has always been pretty hesitant to open up to me and let me get close even with how much time we have been together, ya know? Anyways I finally got him to open up to me last night and I won't lie I was pretty shocked. He expressed that he is so closed off and just nervous because his ex and was pretty abusive to him. He showed me photos of his body just covered in bruises and cuts and even some pretty bad slashes that he had to get stitched up. He said he finally opened up because he got word that his ex is being let out of jail and just wanted to warn me that she might try some things ext. I honestly haven't ever had to deal with this so all of this was pretty shocking and I won't lie I probably reacted really badly and just got upset because he waited to long to open up and tell me all of this and knowing he has such a dangerous ex. And now he isn't answering my texts or phone calls and just closed himself off to me. I want to try and make this right I just haven't ever had to deal with this, with a guy being the abused one I guess I was just pretty ignorant to it in all honesty. Has anyone dealt with this? I just need some advice and how to deal with this and how I guess to move forward with him. Because I do love him and I want this relationship to work.
 

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i honestly haven't ever had to deal with this so all of this was pretty shocking and I won't lie I probably reacted really badly and just got upset because he waited to long to open up and tell me all of this and knowing he has such a dangerous ex.

I want to try and make this right I just haven't ever had to deal with this, with a guy being the abused one I guess I was just pretty ignorant to it in all honesty.

Because I do love him and I want this relationship to work.
Start with an in-person apology, then just tell him what you have posted here.

Just be prepared for him to have closed up a little as a result of your previous reaction.

Above all, just be open (and considerate)
 

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Imagine how hard this was for him. It may have been the first time he's ever opened up to someone about it. He was terrified you would have a bad reactions, and well, you did. Of course he is hurt and pulling away. It's going to be 100x harder for a guy to admit something like this than a woman (which is also really hard). He probably feels weak and pathetic. Like said above, be prepared that he may close up for a while. It will take him time to trust you again.

To be honest, 6 months of dating really is NOT that long. That would be a pretty normal timeframe to start opening up about this sort of thing.

I do understand your surprise and fear for your own safety. My wife has an ex who was horrible to her and is doing time for murder (among other charges), and another guy who was equally as horrible to her (and his ex-wives) and is sitting in a prison cell. It is fair for you to ask what his plan is for staying safe. Has he moved (not that it's hard to find someone)? Does he have a restraining order/order of protection? Those can range from having to stay a certain distance away, to her not even being allowed in the same city or county as him (and if she was for appointments, etc., the parole officer would call). You should know what she looks like, just in case.

But before getting information like that, you need to give him a sincere apology. If he won't see you in person then write him an apology letter, yes, with a pen and paper. Write it and drop it off in his mailbox so that you know it gets there. If he lives in an apartment, you might have to mail it. Do not give your apology through texts, that's lame and obviously not working.

You do have to be careful how you word the apology because you don't want to use the wrong wording and place the blame on him or dismiss his feelings.
 

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So you messed up majorly and I’m sure you know that. Now your just going to have to work overtime to try to get him to trust you again. Be patient and consistent.


But if you don’t think you can handle this relationship with this special set of circumstances then you need to end things as nicely as possible. It takes a very special kind loving selfless person to be with someone with a traumatic past. It’s not easy.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I know I messed up badly and I shouldn't have reacted like I did, Which is why I want to fix this because I genuinely do love him. And I want to like I said fix this. Thank you all for the advice, I tried to go see him today at his apartment but he wouldn't answer the door for me at all, I was gonna use the spare key he gave me but I just figured he needed his space. I plan on trying to make him a basket and a letter tomorrow at some point. Just not sure the words to use because I don't want to upset him any further or make him feel like it was his fault honestly. Just gonna try and let him know I will be his rock and that he can trust me and be vulnerable with me. I hope it is enough to bring him back to me.
 

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You have reason to be worried because if he says she may come around, then she may come around. I don't think he would say that if he didn't really think that she might actually stalk him. A lot of guys would minimize that they could be in danger or that you could, but he knows better.

Do they have kids together? If so he's never going to get rid of her.

You need to watch for at least these two things. One is you need to see if he is at all willing to even talk to her, because if he is, unless they have kids together, you are just going to end up in the middle.

And the other thing is you need to watch your back and take extra security measures. She very well may come snooping around. Hopefully she's on probation so that if she gets reported for anything she will have to go back to jail. But you know people don't just change and you said jail and not prison so I don't know if she was in jail long enough to learn any kind of lesson.

If they don't have kids but he is willing to talk to her at all or communicate, you should cut bait and run.

Otherwise just watch your back
 

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Sorry not going to be nice here.

I just want to point out what if the sexes were reversed here I highly doubt the take would be so generous.

I personally think you should apologize and then leave him alone until he reaches out to you if ever. I mean you were actually thinking of using your key to just barge dismissive you were to him when he was most vulnerable? That in and of itself would have been another kind of abusive act, or at least a very intrusive one. One I bet he is used to. Even if you don't make it, imagine how hard it's going to be with the next person he wants to open up to.

I just keep thinking if a guy came on here and said he yelled at his previously abused girlfriend because she didn't tell him until after 6 months of dating, because he didn't know how to handle it, no one would be saying - you need to be patient with her (not that that is bad advice but it wouldn't be the first thought). I mean what do you need to know? How hard is it to have empathy when the person shows you the pictures with the scars on their body? Even if you are scared.

The take would be, how dare you! - Leave her alone.

I get that this is harsh but part of me things this guy has a pattern of picking women who don't treat him very well. This fits the pattern pretty darn close.

Here's some fun reading. This situation exactly why men don't report it, and why he didn't tell you.

No one calls a woman a coward for reporting the guy she is with beat her up, or asks why she just couldn't be stronger or just kick his ass. I doubt many women get yelled out when they tell their new boyfriends either.

And I don't even think you need to stay with this guy, that is a lot to ask. But it's not a lot to ask to have some sympathy when someone is being probably the most vulnerable he has ever been with someone, that being you in the moment. No experience with the situation just isn't a good excuse in my mind. If you stay there is probably going to be a lot more moments like that. You need to do a whole lot better.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I know I messed up and my reactions have been bad. I get that and I deserve backlash for it. No, they do not have any kids, I did drop off the basket of goodies ext and the letter the other day and he did text me thanks and that he loves me. But I haven't heard from him since. Which I suppose is understandable. I am not mad at him for how he has reacted to how I reacted, I am just now concerned. And yeah I realized after I did it that just barging in on him would probably be extremely triggering since he has probably dealt with that so much in his past. I talked with his sister since she is who honestly put us together about this and I am hoping he doesn't get mad that I talked to her about all of this. She knows what he has gone through but told me it wasn't her place to tell me and that was something that he had to do with me when the time was right. But I told her how I reacted and she honestly got really angry with me. Just really concerned about him now because we usually talk every single day and were seeing each other and taking the time to see one another at least once now. His sister said she was gonna check up on him but it is just really disheartening that he has pulled away from me as he has. If and when he lets me back in and we are able to really have a heart to heart I will I guess update this.
 

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Let him pull away. This is what he NEEDS right now. Youve apologized, you showed he means alot to you. Us women need something right away or our minds go wild.

This is NOT the time to think of you, but to think of him. Pushing it will make him feel he is in that place again. Let him process.

Sent from my SM-A530W using Tapatalk
 

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There is a saying "when a man goes into his cave, it is unwise to follow him".

As others have said, you need to be patient now, and not enforce your timetable on a situation you helped create.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Got a text from his sister tonight he ended up in the ER and was pretty messed up, He didn't go to the hospital I work at as in RN so I feel like it was just another move to avoid me. And the only reason I even knew this happened was because of his sister letting me know. He won't tell anyone what has happened and what caused all of this but I am pretty sure we all know who it was. I am gonna go try and see him tomorrow the hospital was gonna keep him for a couple of nights so knowing that I know I should probably brace myself for how he looks, and what kind of shape he is in. Police said they would look for his ex but unless he tells them it was actually here there isn't much they can do about any of this. I know I am gonna need to use kid gloves tomorrow with him Just need to try and get through to him and make him understand if he just speaks up about what is going on and this will violate her again then she would go to prison this time and not just jail. Just hoping he will be open with me. I just wanna help him and love him and protect him the best I can, Ya know?
 

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Listen more, talk less.

Remember that when you go to see him.

Don't place any expectations on him, just let him know you are there for support should he need it.
 

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This sounds like a really extreme case... yikes. I've heard stories of women being physically abusive, but never to that extent. I don't blame you for being shocked. I'd be as well.

Going forward, I'd be there to support* him if he reached out, but I'd stop thinking about this as a potential relationship. He's going to need a lot of therapy and help to get over this, and likely has some issues of his own to work through.

*by support, I mean "talk" or "get a cup of coffee"... don't get too involved and get in the crosshairs of this psychopath
 
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