[kabe]

Hey. I'm 25 and have been single for over a year now. I started online dating and met a man of 33 who admitted to be separated and going through divorce. He promised me no baggage, so we met up and had an amazing time, we hit it off instantly and I can honestly say I had never felt such a spark with someone before.

This was 2 months ago now. About 2 weeks into our dating, he had "the talk" with me that he felt bad that I was looking for a relationship, and he didnt feel ready to commit to somebody else just yet. He is still dealing with the divorce, mortgage etc (they were together 8 years but only married 6 months, she ran off with someone else in January 2012. They had no children)

Anyway, I was saddened, but we agreed to continue our relationship slowly, and just see what happened.

Since then, I have had a couple of "blips" - I can feel myself falling for this man, and have gotten confused and upset that we cannot be together, and I have called it a day. On both occasions he has, initially, accepted my decision, but on both occasions (and after a few drinks I might add) has ended up calling me up asking to see me again, saying he misses me and is frustrated that he cannot give me what I want just yet. He says down the line he may be able to, but thats a risk I would have to take. On both occasions I have caved in.

This man comes across as very open, honest and genuine. I would hate to think he was using me. We get along just great, but he still talks about his wife sometimes. He went to a wedding the other week, and admitted finding it VERY difficult. He blatantly isnt over her yet, and on a number of occasions when i'm round his house i end up getting "put out like the cat" because she is coming over to get the dog, or to sort out her things - he said he doesnt want to have a domestic with her over me but at the end of the day, she has a new partner now, why can't he have his happiness?

Anyway, this situation is taking over my mind 24/7. I only see this guy once a week, if that, as we agreed to take it slow. I leave the contact up to him, and he contacts me regularly to see how I am. I don't want to pressurise him or come across as desperate - but I also don't want to fall in love with him and end up very badly hurt indeed.

I am TRYING to take each day as it comes, enjoy the time I have with him, he's a very very attractive man and is very much my type in all aspects. I'm just struggling - and I need to know whether I should continue to wait and hope for this man, give him affection, show him I won't leave him and he can trust me, and pray that one day we make it official. Or do I run, run like the wind?

I am still actively searching another relationship (he knows this) and have dated other men since him, nothing has developed with them though and a part of me is glad - i'm not ready to let go

Opinions from people who have been divorced and know what he is going through would be much appreciated also. Sorry for the essay! x

 

[In_The_Wind]

isnt it funny how he promised no baggage yet he has all kinds of baggage a good rule of thumb would be to let people have some time between relationships normally a year or 2 most professionals would say that it takes about 10% of the time someone was with someone to recover from the relationship use this as a lesson to apply in life you have already mentioned that you were looking elsewhere it sounds like yall are at 2 different places give him some time if he is the one and if its meant to happen it will

Good Luck

 

[Shoeguy]

I agree with wind he needs time. It is a judgement call on your part becasue he hasn't a clue what he wants. He isn't available to have a stable relationship with anyone.

Huge red flag if he kicks you out because his ex is coming over.

Alcohol says lots of things that feel right for the moment but turn out not to be true.

 

[wiigirl]

I agree with wind he needs time. It is a judgement call on your part becasue he hasn't a clue what he wants. He isn't available to have a stable relationship with anyone.

Huge red flag if he kicks you out because his ex is coming over.

Alcohol says lots of things that feel right for the moment but turn out not to be true.

100% agree

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[Jellybeans]

Crumbs.

You are accepting crumbs and you can continue to accept crumbs as long as you are involved with him.

By your own admission, you are not hapy with the status quo. By his own admission, he's not ready for a relationship (he's still married!)

Word to the wise: anyone GOING through a divorce has baggage. Add that to the fact that it's still fresh for him and he's not tied things up legally AND the fact she ran off w/ another guy, this guy does have baggage, sweetie.

Going through a divorce isn't like going through a break up with someone you dated for a year or a few months. It's an entire life you are separating from--a life you knew. It is QUITE a traumatic experience. Psychologists say it's up there with the death of a loved one. Some people even argue that it is worse than losing a partner to death.

He has been up front with you from the get and told you what the situation is--that "he cannot give you what you need/want."

So why are you trying to convince yourself otherwise? He's already told you what the score is. You are a masochist if you keep w/ this guy. And for goodness sake--don't sleep with him. Not when he can't even give you a normal dating relationship (cause he's married!)

Oh and it's very likely they are still involved if she's coming over and he's kicking you out. My ex husband and I slept together for nearly two and a half years after our initial separation. Just saying.

I have one rule: do not date/see/get involved with anyone who is married/partnered/coupled.

Separated is NOT "divorced." Separated is still "married." This guy is still married!

Cut this guy loose. You're young and only 2 months in. Spare yourself the pain of dragging this out any further. You are the rebound. And those rarely ever last.

You deserve better. End it with him.



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[Jellybeans]

isnt it funny how he promised no baggage yet he has all kinds of baggage

Zing!

He isn't available to have a stable relationship with anyone.

Huge red flag if he kicks you out because his ex is coming over.

Yep!



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[kabe]

Thanks for the advice guys. And of course you've just reaffirmed what I already knew. There is going to be no happy ever after, riding off into the sunset on a white horse. It's just very very difficult, ive already ended this twice. I wish I'd never back-tracked. If I knew how hard it would be, I would never have gotten involved, hindsight is a brilliant thing, eh? :scratchhead: Lesson learned re future divorcing/separated/married men! Just gotta sort this one out now!

 

[Jellybeans]

Kabe,

Everytime you do this:

I can feel myself falling for this man, and have gotten confused and upset that we cannot be together, and I have called it a day. On both occasions he has, initially, accepted my decision, but on both occasions (and after a few drinks I might add) has ended up calling me up asking to see me again, saying he misses me and is frustrated that he cannot give me what I want just yet. He says down the line he may be able to, but thats a risk I would have to take. On both occasions I have caved in.

You are basically tell him "I AM A DOORMAT. I wil accept your crumbs. You have told me straight up you do not want what I want and yet I will keep letting you walk all over me."

Do you WANT to be that girl? No, you don't.

I only see this guy once a week, if that, as we agreed to take it slow. I leave the contact up to him, and he contacts me regularly to see how I am. I don't want to pressurise him or come across as desperate

Fair enough. And wise. But there is a difference between "pressuring" someone and "being a doormat." Sadly, you fall in the latter category.

This is what I would say if I were you (and notice, there is no ultimatum or pressure here):

Guy,

I like you and the past two months have been nice getting to know you. With that said, it is clear we do not want the same things. I do not want to continue seeing 1. a married man and also 2. we are not on the same page about what we want.

This could maybe work in the future, but right now it's best we call this off as this situation isn't working for me.

Kapiche. No pressure. Stating your boundaries. Telling him you totally get that he and you aren't on the same page and that it's fine but that it doesn't work for you.

DO THIS w/o any emotions. The less emotional you are, the better. TRUST ME. If were you I'd call him and say this over the phone. Less messy. Quick. In and out.



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