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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
A few weeks ago my husband blew up. Like total fit.

He was upset because I didn’t show enough concern for him.

We are different personalities. He constantly need admiration from me and people around. Sometimes for simplest things.

Some of it could be due to differing personalities. I feel fake when I go on and on about how well he did the laundry or that he cleaned the toilet. I don’t need that kind of acknowledgement and it feels fake for me to give it.

I don’t need appreciation for making supper every night or cleaning the kitchen or painting family room.

It was evening and he started to attack me for not caring about him. I tried to calm him down and tell him I do appreciate him but my upbringing doesn’t make mentioning it over and over feel authentic. He was winding himself up saying I don’t support him with kids (12 and 9). I felt his anger and frustration mounting and I knew the direction it was going.

Our kids were right there and I first tried to calm him down and when I saw he was winding up, I tried to leave the room. I kept saying we could discuss this later and we shouldn’t speak in front of kids.

He ended up following me saying he’s done, marriage over, he’s leaving, it’s me and the kids fault because he’s nothing to us. Says when he’s up no one hangs out in family room, but as soon as he goes to bed we are all watching tv without him.

That might be true but he goes to bed at 6pm and when he is up he watches his shows which don’t interest us.

He said I was mean and cold and didn’t love him and he was done because of that and because of the kids too.

They were crying and saying they didn’t want their family to break up. They begged us to kiss and make up.

The next day he said he was sorry - he was stressed and blacked out in anger.

I am so confused. I feel like I want out. But scared how my kids reacted.
 

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You need to read ....

The Five Love Languages
Book by Gary Chapman

You need to love him as he needs and in return he can love you how you need. If you don't I don't see success in your staying together. Regardless of the kids.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
You need to read ....

The Five Love Languages
Book by Gary Chapman

You need to love him as he needs and in return he can love you how you need. If you don't I don't see success in your staying together. Regardless of the kids.
I do get what you are saying and regardless how fake it feels to me, I try, but he re-writes history. When I bring up examples of how I have given him praise, it’s never done correctly. Like when I praised him for going out for groceries during the pandemic, I get told, ‘well you said it in front of the kids’. Um ok - why does that negate what I’m saying?
I feel it isn’t the issue at all and I will never do it correctly, whether it’s public or private or in front of the kids, I feel it’s an excuse to be unhappy.
 

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@OnFleek

I agree with you that it sounds like that may not be the root issue...like it is a symptom of the issues but not the deeper cause, and he is having difficulty putting the true cause into words.

But I will say this: my own Beloved Hubby is a very calm and peaceful man, so if he were to claim to "black out in anger" it would be entirely out of character, and thus it's hard to put myself in your shoes--yet I have been there in the past with my exH. And hearing that term "black out in anger" sounds VERY concerning to me, on the verge of an anger management kind of issue to be honest. I would never allow someone to treat me with that kind of rage--and definitely not in front of children or others.

Next time he rages and has a fit of rage that is so intense he blacks out in anger and follows you around saying he’s done, marriage over, he’s leaving, it’s me and the kids fault because he’s nothing to us...what would happen if you just said, "I'm very sorry you feel that way--I certainly don't--but if that's how you feel I wish you the best in your life without us. Go ahead and start packing"???

My guess is that he wasnt som sort of reassurance--like you are supposed to say "Oh no! Don't leave us! You do mean something to us! We would be lost without you!" but if you do, then you are just teaching him that threatening you = getting the reassurance he wants. If he wants reassurance, he can ask like a grown up "Honey, I'm feeling a little insecure--could you please give me a hug and tell me why you love me?" Having a fit and making threats to yours and the childrens' security should not be rewarded.
 

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Prediction @OnFleek, you have YOUR answers to conpartmentalize and justifies, your responses to your two posters, because you think you in the right instead of taking pause and reflecting, is why your husband will stay until he has enough of you. But maybe he's not going to say divorce and just leave because he's co-dependent.

You need to read up on this,
 

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A few weeks ago my husband blew up. Like total fit.
He was upset because I didn’t show enough concern for him.
We are different personalities. He constantly need admiration from me and people around. Sometimes for simplest things.
Some of it could be due to differing personalities. I feel fake when I go on and on about how well he did the laundry or that he cleaned the toilet. I don’t need that kind of acknowledgement and it feels fake for me to give it.
I don’t need appreciation for making supper every night or cleaning the kitchen or painting family room.
It was evening and he started to attack me for not caring about him. I tried to calm him down and tell him I do appreciate him but my upbringing doesn’t make mentioning it over and over feel authentic. He was winding himself up saying I don’t support him with kids (12 and 9). I felt his anger and frustration mounting and I knew the direction it was going.
Our kids were right there and I first tried to calm him down and when I saw he was winding up, I tried to leave the room. I kept saying we could discuss this later and we shouldn’t speak in front of kids.
He ended up following me saying he’s done,
marriage over, he’s leaving, it’s me and the kids fault because he’s nothing to us. Says when he’s up no one hangs out in family room, but as soon as he goes to bed we are all watching tv without him.
That might be true but he goes to bed at 6pm and when he is up he watches his shows which don’t interest us.
He said I was mean and cold and didn’t love him and he was done because of that and because of the kids too.
They were crying and saying they didn’t want their family to break up. They begged us to kiss and make up.
The next day he said he was sorry - he was stressed and blacked out in anger.
I am so confused. I feel like I want out. But scared how my kids reacted.
Wow, this sounds very similar to my marriage, my husband needs constant affirmation and I’ve never been that way, but people like us show affection through caring for our family and being faithful and loyal. We’re going on 14 years of marriage and I’ve been cheated on and berated constantly. We are now talking about separation due to “me not loving him”which isn’t true or I would have left 10 years ago and it kills me to think of divorce or separation, but when you’re told you don’t do enough for your partner it wears you down big time. A question.... does he always support and give you what you need to be happy? Just saying... you aren’t alone because your story is pretty close to mine. I wish you well.
 

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Several months ago you posted about problems with your husband being a spend thrift and other issues. Has any of the improved? Or is this topic now an extension of ongoing problems?

 

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I remember that thread that Ele posted. You would be WAY better off without this man. Emotionally and financially. Your kids would adjust quickly I think, not having this toxic presence constantly. Stop tolerating this crap behavior and treatment. It’s hurting not just you, but your poor kids too.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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@OnFleek He is blaming you and the children for you not worshipping him?

And who, other than a chronic invalid or someone who works weird shifts goes to bed at 6pm in the afternoon?

There's a weird dynamic going on here. Has he got medical or mental health issues that need addressing?

You and your children are suffering at his hands and that's not right.
 
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