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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been married for over 6 years. Recently, I found out through a mutual friend that my wife was having an "email" affair with an old co-worker. She was flirting heavily with him and implying that she would like to take this "email" relationship further. When confronted with it, she admitted that she shouldn't have kept it "a secret", but never really admitted that it was improper for her to be doing this in the first place. She was and still is angry at her friend that she told about it, who ended up telling me. I think she is mad at getting caught, and not truly sorry for keeping secrets from her husband about this other guy.

Like most marriages, ours has been far from perfect, but not terrible either. My wife seems to always be living in this "fantasy" life. She has been addicted to romance novels for many years, which I don't totally approve of, but have not really complained about, and it seems to me that her engagement in these novels are giving her unrealistic expectations about her own relationships, and maybe even fueling her desire to engage in risky, inappropriate outside relationships as she did in this case.

She would rather read her novels in the evening, morning or whenever, than spend time speaking with me about the days events or anything else. Anytime I suggest we do something together, there are always excuses and reasons we can't.

It seems like she is puposely destroying out relationship, and I don't understand it. It is very frustrating. I will never profess to be a perfect person or the ideal husband, but to me, it seems like I am putting out the vast majority of the effort, and getting nothing in reponse.

AGGGHHH!!!!:confused:
 

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I can’t speculate on the romance novels other than if a spouse engages in an activity, hobby… to the complete exclusion of the other it is unhealthy for the marriage. Time together it critical for the wellbeing of the marriage and partners. I would address the emotional affair as the critical issue now. If she had developed feelings for him she will not easily reconnect with you. She will need to end the communication in order to concentrate on your marital issues. This will not be easy for her and will take time, but no contact is critical. How long has it been going on? Has there been physical contact? What has she told you about her feelings for him?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
She said she has been emailing him for the past 2 years. She used to work with him in another part of the state, and I have actually met him before. I do not think they ever engaged in any physical sexual activity, although if the opportunity presented itself, I think she would be tempted to, I don't know if he would or not, as he is married and actually seems like a pretty decent guy. I also do not think that he was flirting much with her, although I am sure he enjoyed being flirted to, what guy doesn't! She clearly has established an emotional bond with him, and removed that bond between us. I noticed behavior changes the past few months, which lead to me finding out about it. It got to the point where she woudn't hardly ever even talk to me, because she was emailing him daily with all her important thoughts, feelings, etc. She was also bad-mouthing me to him.

I don't screw around on my wife, and I expect the same from her. I am frustrated and am ready to throw in the towel, but I don't like giving up on things, and I like succeeding, so that is very difficult for me. We have agreed to see a marriage counselor (1st appointment is tonight)., but unless there are some real consessions on her part, I will continue to be frustrated with the whole situation.

\
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
As far as what she has told me about her feeling for him, she told me that she doesn't have many friends since we moved a fewe years ago, and he is one of her only friends. She does have challenges in meeting and talking with people in social situations, and clearly problems in knowing what is appropriate and inappropriate. I have never been strict about who her friends are and are not, and I have had many friends that are female, but I have a very clear understanding in my mind of where the boundaries are, as being a married person. She has crossed these boundaries, and I am not sure she thinks she has. I told her that I support her having friends, and she agreed to only communicate with this guy with our "shared" email account. However, there have been no messages send to him in the past 2 weeks since i confronted her, and I find it hard to beleive that she went from emailing him daily, to not emailing him at all for the past two weeks, leading me to beleive that she is still communicating with him, and continuing to hide it from me.
 

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There are a couple of flags here. First off when most hurt spouses come to forums the most common thing they do is profess their love for their mate. You have not stated your feelings for her simply that you don’t like to give up on things. This concerns me. In order for your marriage to have a chance there must be some emotional bond from at least one of the parties involved. She has already let that go. That you are seeking counsel is a good start but I wouldn’t expect you to gain a lot of progress in one session. This will take time for the two of you just to understand the dynamics of the marriage and its problems. It will be a time for you to both discover your own needs, wants and faults. You state that you are not the perfect husband. No one is, but you will need to look at ways to make yourself a better one. I do not take her side in this as she was wrong to engage in a secret relationship. Whether TOM is looking to increase its meaning or not is not the point. It is she that is driving it and it has further damaged your marriage. Her views of you are jaded because of this fantasy relationship. Frustration will not help in all of this. You must be open and patient with her. This will take time to fix. Keep that in mind as you move forward.
 

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There is a company out there that makes romance novels with you in it, they take your name, your color eyes and hair, plus her Stuff and input it into the novel, I did it for my wife one year because she loves to read she thought it was cute and love it.

So are you comparing romance Novels/soap opera's to Porn for men?

So if you were totally into porn and you were having a e-mail "affair" with a old co worker, would it be the same??

Your wife is missing something out of your relationship, what is that?? you need to find that out and correct it.

Have HER write you a sensual e-mail story, maybe she will give you clues. I have written erotic fantasies that invvolve my wife and e-mailed them to her, she LOVED it. Stuff we would never be able to do, but she enjoyed the fantasy of it, and the fact that I put her in the fantasy with me in this erotic seting works wonders.

It really is up to you...
 

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Any addiction taken to far can hurt a marriage. Many romance novels are nothing but written porn, with a good story. But beyond her wanting to be swept away her problems seem to be her emotional affair.

COmmunication has to be the key, but if she will not talk to you then I don't see things moving forward. Maybe you were upset when you wrote this, however, you need to think if there is anything that might have set her off. By yourself you can't keep this partnership together.

draconis
 
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