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What do you do when your spouse has vastly different sexual needs?

  • Masturbate a lot.

    Votes: 16 64.0%
  • Cheat, but hide it.

    Votes: 1 4.0%
  • Discuss opening the marriage.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Leave, even if it wrecks the family.

    Votes: 3 12.0%
  • Stay and talk daily about it and hope it changes.

    Votes: 5 20.0%
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Wife prefers monthly sex to sex every 6 weeks. I would prefer daily sex. My research suggests that neither of us is "abnormal" and that any amount of sex between a couple is the right amount if the couple agrees on it. We are married with children. Marriage is eleven plus years in. Seems silly to end that because we have different sexual needs. I don't want any form of obligatory sex or pity sex from her. We have talked about it in the past. Sometimes that leads to a feast of sex which then fades to famine. I am pretty convinced that this is not going to change. There may be a period of feast again but it will quickly fade to famine. So what is the answer? Are men and women just way too different when it comes to their sexual needs. That's what my wife constantly tells me. So what is she telling me? To masturbate to excessive levels to fill the gap? Is that the answer? To fill in the gaps elsewhere? What's the answer? Are there any answers?
 

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Wife prefers monthly sex to sex every 6 weeks. I would prefer daily sex. My research suggests that neither of us is "abnormal" and that any amount of sex between a couple is the right amount if the couple agrees on it. We are married with children. Marriage is eleven plus years in. Seems silly to end that because we have different sexual needs. I don't want any form of obligatory sex or pity sex from her. We have talked about it in the past. Sometimes that leads to a feast of sex which then fades to famine. I am pretty convinced that this is not going to change. There may be a period of feast again but it will quickly fade to famine. So what is the answer? Are men and women just way too different when it comes to their sexual needs. That's what my wife constantly tells me. So what is she telling me? To masturbate to excessive levels to fill the gap? Is that the answer? To fill in the gaps elsewhere? What's the answer? Are there any answers?
What is wrong with obligatory sex, have her give you a rim job and suck you off, would you seriously not be happy with her doing that even if she is not in the mood?
 

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I would rather not have to convince my wife to have sex with me. It turns me on to know that she wants me. Obligatory sex would be just o.k. and only every once in a while. Is it too much to ask that your spouse wants to have sex with you? I don't think so.
 

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I would rather not have to convince my wife to have sex with me. It turns me on to know that she wants me. Obligatory sex would be just o.k. and only every once in a while. Is it too much to ask that your spouse wants to have sex with you? I don't think so.
:iagree: If a woman doesn't want to have sex, she should not be married. Same goes for men. I would not be able to deal with only having sex once a month. I would like daily sex, but my older husband cannot keep up with that. We make love up to four times a week and if I am horny in between those times, I play with myself. :smthumbup:
 

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:iagree: If a woman doesn't want to have sex, she should not be married. Same goes for men. I would not be able to deal with only having sex once a month. I would like daily sex, but my older husband cannot keep up with that. We make love up to four times a week and if I am horny in between those times, I play with myself. :smthumbup:
Agree with this. And while masturbation is fine for in between it does not come close to replacing the main event.
 

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I don't think there are any good answers for what to do about the gaps. I almost always masturbate daily but that really just takes the edge off slightly. It doesn't give me true satisfaction. I feel better and don't feel like I'm going insane and can sleep at night but the relief is always very temporary.

I've thought about going elsewhere many times but the risk seems too high. And ultimately what would it do? Give me satisfaction once or twice? It's not going to fix the week to week and month to month (and daily) issue of being sexually frustrated. Unless you have a full blown affair. But i think if you're have sex with someone else several times a week that maybe you shouldn't be in the marriage anymore.

I think we do have duties as husbands and wives to each other. I think what you're calling obligatory sex is not a bad thing. I think we all do things that we may not want to do. As a husband I do things often / daily that I'd probably rather not...

-repair things around the house
-yardwork
-rubbing wife's feet/back on request
-taking out the garbage
-going out with wife's friends
-seen more obnoxious chick flicks then I care to remember
-spend money on jewelry
-bend my schedule around the things she wants to do

The point is I do a lot (and she does a number of things too) that we may not want to do. And if she needs something or told me that there was something that would make her happier then anything else. Like if she really wanted to start taking dance classes (shudders) with me. I would do it and I wouldn't have a pouty face on when I went to do it. I would provide service with a smile.

I want my wife to want to have sex with me. However, there may only be so much she or I can do to make that happen. Her sex drive is just lower. But that's where the problem is, because her sex drive is lower I suffer. It's not reasonable to expect that anything will happen for her to want sex 4+ times a week. But I think it is reasonable to expect that she should take 15-20 minutes a few times a week to take care of my sexual needs AND be happy about it. That could be oral, a handjob even or intercourse or switch it around. A spouse doesn't need to be horny to want to make their partner happy. If you want to call it obligation sex or duty driven sex that's fine but there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. Just like there shouldn't be anything wrong with me telling my wife that there's nothing I'd rather do then go see the latest chick flick with her.

My wife is a great example of how 'obligation sex' is not cool. She doesn't often do it happily, she only minimally masks the fact that she really would rather not do it. She'll ask 'so you want to make out?' or 'so do you want a blowjob?'. And usually not is a sexy sultry tone, more in a tone like 'can you take out the garbage?' or 'do my feet smell?'. The question is ridiculous on it's face and shouldn't even be asked. She KNOWS that I want sex or a BJ or whatever else she is willing to give me so there isn't any point in asking. Except to let me know that she really doesn't want to do it and is maybe hoping that I'll say no (which I do when her attitude is crap). If she (or any wife) were really interested in making me happy she would simply grab me and get on top of me or pull me to the bedroom or act in some loving manner. Or tell me what she's going to do then do it.

I figure if prostitutes and porn stars can act like they enjoy sex then my wife that's supposed to love me should be able to please me and be genuinely happy to do it. I've read a lot of posts on this board where women talk about how they'll give their husbands a BJ or have sex even if they aren't crazy about it at the time because it makes their spouse happy.

Getting off soapbox.
 

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My wife is a great example of how 'obligation sex' is not cool. She doesn't often do it happily, she only minimally masks the fact that she really would rather not do it. She'll ask 'so you want to make out?' or 'so do you want a blowjob?'. And usually not is a sexy sultry tone, more in a tone like 'can you take out the garbage?' or 'do my feet smell?'. The question is ridiculous on it's face and shouldn't even be asked. She KNOWS that I want sex or a BJ or whatever else she is willing to give me so there isn't any point in asking. Except to let me know that she really doesn't want to do it and is maybe hoping that I'll say no (which I do when her attitude is crap). If she (or any wife) were really interested in making me happy she would simply grab me and get on top of me or pull me to the bedroom or act in some loving manner. Or tell me what she's going to do then do it.
I think any spouse who has walked in shoes similar to Mike1's , (whether husband or wife) and somehow manages to continue to love & honor their spouse - despite being treated like this, putting themselves down again & again & again & again & again - their spouse knowing they are suffereing & in "need" in this area, but yet remaining faithful through out it all. Amazing, I call you 'saints".

My hat is off to you, You must really love your kids, I hope they someday realize what Dad is giving up for the family. I could never do it. Not strong enough, don't have that much love I guess. I would become the most miserable wrench you would ever want to meet in such a situation.

I sympathize with you, I highly commend your love for your family (truly "agape") & faithfulness in all things. But if you was my friend in real life, I would be telling you to "DIVORCE" -find another who shares the pleasures of Sex and bonding-plenty of fish in the sea, as this is the only legal outlet a marraige allows for.

It may be less than 10% of the marraige but when it is not happening regularly to fullfill - it feels like 90%

Of coarse we can't all conjure up waves of Lust & desire -just cause our spouse is feeling it, but like Mike1 said, 10-20 minutes a few times a week. This is too much? All of us can
surely adjust our attitudes & show some loving enthusiam to please the one we vowed to love & cherish forever. It is all about "walking in love".
 

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I think any spouse who has walked in shoes similar to Mike1's , (whether husband or wife) and somehow manages to continue to love & honor their spouse - despite being treated like this, putting themselves down again & again & again & again & again - their spouse knowing they are suffereing & in "need" in this area, but yet remaining faithful through out it all. Amazing, I call you 'saints".

My hat is off to you, You must really love your kids, I hope they someday realize what Dad is giving up for the family. I could never do it. Not strong enough, don't have that much love I guess. I would become the most miserable wrench you would ever want to meet in such a situation.

I sympathize with you, I highly commend your love for your family (truly "agape") & faithfulness in all things. But if you was my friend in real life, I would be telling you to "DIVORCE" -find another who shares the pleasures of Sex and bonding-plenty of fish in the sea, as this is the only legal outlet a marraige allows for.

It may be less than 10% of the marraige but when it is not happening regularly to fullfill - it feels like 90%

Of coarse we can't all conjure up waves of Lust & desire -just cause our spouse is feeling it, but like Mike1 said, 10-20 minutes a few times a week. This is too much? All of us can
surely adjust our attitudes & show some loving enthusiam to please the one we vowed to love & cherish forever. It is all about "walking in love".

Thanks, it's strange but getting some validation, even from total strangers, is surprisingly comforting. I continue to realize how perfectly normal I am and how reasonable my expectations are. Like so many others here my wife tries to convince me I'm some wacked out, crazed sex addict because I want her more then she wants it :scratchhead:.

I think whether it's sex or some any other aspect of our relationship we should be able to do exactly what you said, adjust our attitudes & show some loving enthusiasm to please the one we love. This whole concept of a spouse not meeting the critically important sexual needs of their life partner and supposed love of their life is alien to me. I have yet been able to imagine some scenario where I would deny doing something for my spouse that I know would make her happy, especially if I KNEW it was something that was an issue for her. I just don't get it I guess...

I couldn't agree more about sex only being 10% of a marriage if everything is good, but when those needs are not met the weight of it feels like 90% (or more) of the relationship. It seems like it shouldn't be a big deal, like it should be such a small thing to so (i.e. 15 minutes 3-4 times a week even). It seems insane that amount of time is a problem for anyone to do.

The fact is, despite how miserable I am sexually I dearly love my wife and 80% of our relationship is wonderful. I love our children more then anything and it would kill me to not wake up in the same house as them every day and tuck them in at night. It would kill me to break up their home and have them deal with that terrible situation. That has never been an option, not to me.

The thought of what another fulfilling relationship would be like has crossed my mind many times. And it seems odd to me that if I were to either a) find sexual satisfaction with someone outside of our marriage or b) leave my wife because of this I would be considered the bad person by everyone around us, by friends, by family, by society, etc. I would be at fault, a pig, an a-hole. If people knew why I would probably be considered petty and shallow and unbelievable by most. Anyway, ranting again.
 

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Mike,
When lust is absent - respect drives all behavior.

She doesn't respect you. And you have never been willing to break your pattern with her - to re-establish respect.



I don't think there are any good answers for what to do about the gaps. I almost always masturbate daily but that really just takes the edge off slightly. It doesn't give me true satisfaction. I feel better and don't feel like I'm going insane and can sleep at night but the relief is always very temporary.

I've thought about going elsewhere many times but the risk seems too high. And ultimately what would it do? Give me satisfaction once or twice? It's not going to fix the week to week and month to month (and daily) issue of being sexually frustrated. Unless you have a full blown affair. But i think if you're have sex with someone else several times a week that maybe you shouldn't be in the marriage anymore.

I think we do have duties as husbands and wives to each other. I think what you're calling obligatory sex is not a bad thing. I think we all do things that we may not want to do. As a husband I do things often / daily that I'd probably rather not...

-repair things around the house
-yardwork
-rubbing wife's feet/back on request
-taking out the garbage
-going out with wife's friends
-seen more obnoxious chick flicks then I care to remember
-spend money on jewelry
-bend my schedule around the things she wants to do

The point is I do a lot (and she does a number of things too) that we may not want to do. And if she needs something or told me that there was something that would make her happier then anything else. Like if she really wanted to start taking dance classes (shudders) with me. I would do it and I wouldn't have a pouty face on when I went to do it. I would provide service with a smile.

I want my wife to want to have sex with me. However, there may only be so much she or I can do to make that happen. Her sex drive is just lower. But that's where the problem is, because her sex drive is lower I suffer. It's not reasonable to expect that anything will happen for her to want sex 4+ times a week. But I think it is reasonable to expect that she should take 15-20 minutes a few times a week to take care of my sexual needs AND be happy about it. That could be oral, a handjob even or intercourse or switch it around. A spouse doesn't need to be horny to want to make their partner happy. If you want to call it obligation sex or duty driven sex that's fine but there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. Just like there shouldn't be anything wrong with me telling my wife that there's nothing I'd rather do then go see the latest chick flick with her.

My wife is a great example of how 'obligation sex' is not cool. She doesn't often do it happily, she only minimally masks the fact that she really would rather not do it. She'll ask 'so you want to make out?' or 'so do you want a blowjob?'. And usually not is a sexy sultry tone, more in a tone like 'can you take out the garbage?' or 'do my feet smell?'. The question is ridiculous on it's face and shouldn't even be asked. She KNOWS that I want sex or a BJ or whatever else she is willing to give me so there isn't any point in asking. Except to let me know that she really doesn't want to do it and is maybe hoping that I'll say no (which I do when her attitude is crap). If she (or any wife) were really interested in making me happy she would simply grab me and get on top of me or pull me to the bedroom or act in some loving manner. Or tell me what she's going to do then do it.

I figure if prostitutes and porn stars can act like they enjoy sex then my wife that's supposed to love me should be able to please me and be genuinely happy to do it. I've read a lot of posts on this board where women talk about how they'll give their husbands a BJ or have sex even if they aren't crazy about it at the time because it makes their spouse happy.

Getting off soapbox.
 

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I guess what I was trying to say was that the wife can be excited about performing obligitory sex without getting off herself or nessicarily being in the mood. My wife rims me and goes down on my every other day and really gets into it but she is not nessicarily in the mood for sex on all thoes days, so its win win.

I do see what others are saying though becuase I had an ex that would give obligitory BJ's and would look disgusted and get up and spit the cum out and stopped rimming. That was lame, lame enough that it caused enough friction to divorce, so women need to think about that.
 

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I would rather not have to convince my wife to have sex with me. It turns me on to know that she wants me. Obligatory sex would be just o.k. and only every once in a while. Is it too much to ask that your spouse wants to have sex with you? I don't think so.
:iagree: :iagree:

Heck, I'm not even wanting daily sex but just sex on weekends would be good!


I can think of few things that are more demeaning and sad then having to beg the person you love for affection and love making. It's just horrible and does terrible things to your self esteem. Talk about feeling hurt and rejected. :(

Sometimes, especially lately, my husband will "service" me even if he's not wanting to have sex. But IMO it's almost worse then masturbation. For one thing, there's no passion at all and I find that a turn off in itself. I need to feel passion from HIM as well and I want to please him as well and want to be pleased!

He gets visibly annoyed if I take too long to achieve orgasm and I take longer because I can feel the negative vibes coming off him I can sense his impatience and resentment. It's not a loving act when he feels I'm "pressuring" him. In his opinion he's good to me in other ways so why can't I just accept the fact that he's not into having sex and "leave him the hell alone" (his exact words).;

I'm at the point now where I'm just going to plan on masturbating. My plans for this weekend are to buy a vibrator and whatever else I need to "stave off" my sexual desires until (hopefully) things get better.

I've tried talking, cajoling, seducing...I've even left, although not for this reason. We are currently separated but want to remain married. Cheating is not an option. I'm just not that kind of person. I have to love and feel emotionally connected to the person I have sex with and I do love my husband.

At any rate, talking and begging him has just been making things worse so now I'm just going to let him be and look after myself for the time being until things come to some sort of conclusion.

Thank goodness for toys. :rolleyes:
 

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rppearso - how long has your wife been doing that and how is it win win??? Are you absolutely sure that she readily gets into it and does not resent you.

I could not imagine doing what she does with no sexual satisfaction. I'd feel like I am servicing my husband. Yikes.

Mike you are certainly not sex crazed. LD spouses think that because they don't feel desire spontaneously that they can't have sex and enjoy it. Will she agree to have sex with you on a regular schedule and you both work on how to warm her up to get her in the mood?

If you procede slowly enough, you will give her a chance to feel aroused, too fast and it is over before she is warmed up and that would be frustrating.
 

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Well if she resents me there are NO signs. She gets what she wants when ever she needs it I was just saying there are times she is not in the mood herself but she still takes care of me.
 

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rppearso - how long has your wife been doing that and how is it win win??? Are you absolutely sure that she readily gets into it and does not resent you.

I could not imagine doing what she does with no sexual satisfaction. I'd feel like I am servicing my husband. Yikes.

Mike you are certainly not sex crazed. LD spouses think that because they don't feel desire spontaneously that they can't have sex and enjoy it. Will she agree to have sex with you on a regular schedule and you both work on how to warm her up to get her in the mood?

If you procede slowly enough, you will give her a chance to feel aroused, too fast and it is over before she is warmed up and that would be frustrating.
Well if she resents me its been several years and NO signs, also she gets what ever she wants so the only time she just takes care of me is when she is not in the mood herself
 

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I guess what I was trying to say was that the wife can be excited about performing obligitory sex without getting off herself or nessicarily being in the mood. My wife rims me and goes down on my every other day and really gets into it but she is not nessicarily in the mood for sex on all thoes days, so its win win.

I do see what others are saying though becuase I had an ex that would give obligitory BJ's and would look disgusted and get up and spit the cum out and stopped rimming. That was lame, lame enough that it caused enough friction to divorce, so women need to think about that.
I would never be excited about sex where I wasn't getting off most of the time. I don't do rim jobs either. I don't think you should expect some one to do something they do not like that makes them uncomfortable.

I would feel resentful. However because I know I am more than likely going to get off too I would allow myself to be gotten in the mood whenever he felt like he wanted sex.
 

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Well if she resents me its been several years and NO signs, also she gets what ever she wants so the only time she just takes care of me is when she is not in the mood herself
I am very curious about you arrangement.

You just said it was every other day. It is impossible that she gets off from doing this, she may tell you that she does but it she is like the average human, you are running a negative balance. There is nothing you can give her that makes up for her having to service you.

You mentioned you divorced your wife because she did not do these things so it is obviously the basis of your relationship. I guess when she gets tired of servicing you, you will trade her in for a new provider. What do you do, tell women you requre these sex acts or there is no possibity of a relationship? Do you say that on the first date? How do women react do they fall over them selves to continue? If so why do they take you up on your offer do you tell them what they get in return like negotiating a contract. .

You seem more concerned about sex acts so i assume no women has ever loved you and you her.. If not love then does Is getting these sevices make up for not being lablle to attract love?

Sorry, but what you describe seems like a nightmare for your wife and paradise for you. It is stange that you have no conflict over this. When this ends, I doubt if you will ever find any women who would tolerate you or be approached with sex acts as a requirement for a relationship.

You said you give what ever she wants are you wealthy and is she very young? I think sometimes if a man is wealthy he can get serviced until she gets worn out and the money is not enough.. Like that sad sack Mel Gibson and his demands for blow jobs. His wife got into a relationship with him but i think the sevices she was requied to render were too coastly even for his money. Other than that, she has to have very low self esteem or no resources to get out. Yikes I feel bad for her and hope she has the courage to get out.
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I am very curious about you arrangement.

You just said it was every other day. It is impossible that she gets off from doing this, she may tell you that she does but it she is like the average human, you are running a negative balance. There is nothing you can give her that makes up for her having to service you. Heaven forbid a husband should expect sexual acts from his wife! Why should sex be a chore if you love the person? Don't many husbands service their families by being the main breadwinner? Not having sex with one's spouse is cruel and selfish.

You mentioned you divorced your wife because she did not do these things so it is obviously the basis of your relationship. I guess when she gets tired of servicing you, you will trade her in for a new provider. What do you do, tell women you requre these sex acts or there is no possibity of a relationship? Do you say that on the first date? How do women react do they fall over them selves to continue? If so why do they take you up on your offer do you tell them what they get in return like negotiating a contract. . Sex is not the basis, but denying it's importance is detrimental to any marriage. Women cannot expect their men to be asexual. It goes both ways! Relationships are about give and take.

You seem more concerned about sex acts so i assume no women has ever loved you and you her.. If not love then does Is getting these sevices make up for not being lablle to attract love? :rofl: So now wanting certain sex acts means that there is no love??

Sorry, but what you describe seems like a nightmare for your wife and paradise for you. It is stange that you have no conflict over this. When this ends, I doubt if you will ever find any women who would tolerate you or be approached with sex acts as a requirement for a relationship. Sex IS a part of any adult relationship. Those who do not want to be sexual should stay single. Only a naive or selfish woman expects to have love with no sex. It's just not realistic.

You said you give what ever she wants are you wealthy and is she very young? I think sometimes if a man is wealthy he can get serviced until she gets worn out and the money is not enough.. Like that sad sack Mel Gibson and his demands for blow jobs. His wife got into a relationship with him but i think the sevices she was requied to render were too coastly even for his money. Other than that, she has to have very low self esteem or no resources to get out. Yikes I feel bad for her and hope she has the courage to get out. If she does get out, it's highly unlikely that she will meet someone who does not expect sex. My husband is 8 years my senior and he makes much more than I do, even though he is not wealthy. I live in the real world, where sex is a normal and expected part of marriage. I LOVE doing sexual things to please Mr.G, because I am his wife and I want him to be happy. Where is he supposed to get sex or oral from if not me? It helps that I have a high sex drive. :smthumbup:

Catherine, you are well aware that I have tremendous respect for you. However, your attitude about sex is very one sided and ridiculous.
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Mrs G I'll admit I am a somewhat reformed sexually inhibited women but I don't think denying any husband sex is acceptable it is abusive and unloving. If you read my other post you would know that.

My onjection here is that he dievorecd his wife for not giving him a rim job, I had to look that up, and bj. He said his requirements for a wife was that she did theses things. He said when she is not in the mood he expects her to give him a bj and rim job.

A woman should not deny her husband sex but the idea of marriage based on particular sex acts is repugnant. The natural extension is that he will divorce her if she stop doing it.

Taste change, suppose her does, is she free to stop if she likes? Only if she wants him to divorce her. There is something wrong with that. Sexuality in marriage seems too delicate to me to be held together with treat of divorce or cheating over a woman's head.

It's very common, if you don't give your husband a bj he will get it elsewhere is the common refrain. If bj are so important to a man then he divorce and go and get all the bj he wants if he wife wont do them. People who think they are entitled to a list of sex acts and coerce their partner bother me.

The more I read these forums the more I feel a profound appreciation of my husband. I know he deserves the best I aim to give him that. My husband is entitled, that's because he earned it.
 

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My objection here is that he divorecd his wife for not giving him a rim job, I had to look that up.
I had a feeling I knew what it was but googled it to be sure. I don't blame ANYONE for not wanting to do that.

There are some things I could NEVER develop a "taste" for and that's definitely one of them!
 

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I didn't want to say anything but .... to each his own. Can you imagine having to do that every other night? I'd hang myself seriously.

I am going to say a prayer of thanksgiving and then I going to relax my honey with a nice message and a happy ending.. Simply put, I am going to worship at his alter. ;).

Ladies, I hope you will do the same if you have a good guy. Based on what is out there, I think the vast majority of women are fortunate to have husbands who desire them and want to please them. But there are many very foolish women who turn these good guys away. What a shame.
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