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Hi All,

I haven't posted here yet, because I was hoping I would never have to, but here I am. My thread was "Isnt Getting Better or Worse" in going through divorce section. Well it got worse, my "D" was final on Nov 7th. I thought I had gained ground, but I haven't, I feel more and more like just giving up for good. I am sitting here now, tears down the face, pit in the stomach and whiskey by my side.. I miss my wife/my best friend more than I could even imagine. I shouldn't after all she did to me in the end, but I am. It's really hard, I had to move back with my folks in my hometown 100 miles away. I have not seen or spoken to her since Aug 18th, the last memory of her face was her getting ready to leave the day I was moving and turning around crying and buring her head in my chest for several minutes. Nothing was said, just embracing and that was it, gone forever.
I did the 180, no contact, only contact has been by text and email for business purposes. We knew each 12 years, together 6, married 4. We never went more than two days or so that we didnt get to talk or see one another, it has been 3 months now and I am dying a little everyday. I never got closure or a real answer to what happened, it was all over the place. I am certain she has someone else, probably living in the house I am paying half for, I dont know for certain, but she cant be alone.
I have been given at least 12 phone numbers from women since I have been back, but I know better than to do anything right now, because my mental state is not good. I work, go to the gym, hang with friends, get on here, but nothing lets her leave my mind. One of the hardest things is being back in my hometown, its very small and the town I moved back from, where she is from is huge.
All our friends have rallied around me, not her, even her family went against her, but it never changed her mind. She even admitted at a huge family dinner, that she was wrong for wanting to leave me and stood up and announced that in the restaurant, but still here I am without her. I dont know if I can ever make any sense of what happened, I sure as Hell do not trust Anyone right now as far a relationships are concerned! If my best friend could do this to me, what would a total stranger do to me? I'm so lost, I dont even know what direction to begin heading towards. God help me for future events that I may not be able to control....
 

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It gets better, just takes time. Sometimes a whole bunch of it.

You'll probably find that you'll never completely let yourself trust another person again, and hey that's ok.

You just never know what another person is thinking or what they might do.
 

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YES MAN,, ,this isnt the end of anything.
Its a new start.
You cant make her stay with you, so now you got a pass to do whatever you want in life.
The pain goes away, Ive been divorced for a few months past a year, and brother have I seen the darkest corners of my soul in those first few months.
After moving into my new house and away from the marital home, I got to see her car sitting parked across the street from my new house, visiting her boyfriend that stayed over there with a friend,, for over nighters too. This was not 3 days after I moved in. Then a few months later, she moves him into the marital home with our 11yr old daughter and her.

Recognize that this is the period of grief that you have to experience, then will come anger mixed in.. but then you will have a few more and more good days happen, and you will take notice of those days. Nurture yourself, give yourself permission to grieve, but also give yourself permission to move onward.
It does most certainly absolutely get better with a bit of time.
 

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Dude, put the whiskey down the sink and leave it alone for a while. Get outside and take a walk in the woods and keep exercising. I'm guessing you don't have kids so you are one lucky duck.

Oh, and you are doing a good thing by not dating yet. Take your time with that. You will want to....badly....I know this from experience.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Hey Shoo, Wow Man, I am sorry to hear about your situation, that is terrible, thank you for the input. Thank you also Paradise!

I am at the point of anger and sadness all at once! I want answers from her on how she turned almost evil to me, yet at the same time telling me I did nothing wrong and it was on her. She said " I want kids, just not with you, because we have to do that..(While looking at my crotch).. Seperate rooms, stating that we cant be in the house at the same time, etc.. All out of no where!!! I knew her for 6 years before we got together, we were best friends.. She has ruined me right now.. I had to move back home to my crappy little hometown of 15,000 people vs being there in a town of more than 200,000... The bomb came two weeks after we moved into a new house!!!! Knowing women, she had this in mind long before we bought this house, WTF??? I couldnt move, all our money went into this house, she couldnt move (or so she says) because her family was so mad and our friends quit talking to her.. I am paying for half a house I got to live in for three flippin months!!! I want answers!!!! Does anything said now between us even matter now that the D is final, not like I'm trying to win her back, no way!! How does she sleep at night?? I cant even fathim doing that to someone.. I want to know why she was so cruel for no reason, why we bought the house when she damn well knew she didnt want me... For the love!!!!

Sorry for the rant, the holiday has me messed up, I miss her family terribly, just going nuts here.. Thanks all!!
 

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Rant all you want. That's what this place is for. I got stuck in a mess with a house that I'm still paying for 2 years later (it sold last year but I still owe money on it).

Oh, and one thing. You said she "ruined you." No, she didn't! You are ruining yourself right now. She just decided to be a b!tch and throw a lot of what you two worked for down the drain. You didn't do that. But, right now you are poisoning yourself. It's important that you start looking at things this way.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Paradise,

I know what you are saying and you are correct! It eats me up becuase I had to turn my life upside down, move back in with the folks, move back to my hometown, leave my job, my friends, etc.. Nothing has changed for her, it only got better for her, all the freedom she wants to do whoever she wants, I pay half the house, etc. Why is it the ones who get suprised get the worst end of the deal on all levels?? I do my very best to keep my mind occupied, but everytime I have to go to my storage unit to get something, anger shoots through me!!! When my friends post about getting together back there, anger shoots through me!!! I just will never understand and the the absoulute worst part!! I am still in Love with her!!! Holy Crap, that is messed up!!!
 

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I know you don't know me. I occasionally post in this forum. I feel your pain. I have and am living a very similar life. I have been divorced since the end of June and I still love my ex. Like you, I believed she was my best friend. Like you, I don't know if I can trust anyone, ever again.

One thing I can say is, the hurt will hurt less. You will slowly be able to take more and more of the things which are unbearable now. Most of all, strangers will treat you better than folks you know. You will learn to deal with this new life.

Good luck to you.
 

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Paradise,

I know what you are saying and you are correct! It eats me up becuase I had to turn my life upside down, move back in with the folks, move back to my hometown, leave my job, my friends, etc.. Nothing has changed for her, it only got better for her, all the freedom she wants to do whoever she wants, I pay half the house, etc. Why is it the ones who get suprised get the worst end of the deal on all levels?? I do my very best to keep my mind occupied, but everytime I have to go to my storage unit to get something, anger shoots through me!!! When my friends post about getting together back there, anger shoots through me!!! I just will never understand and the the absoulute worst part!! I am still in Love with her!!! Holy Crap, that is messed up!!!
Hey, I feel for ya! Been through everything you just stated and then some.

So, you love her, eh? Really? She did this to you and you love her? Let me ask you, would you do this to someone you really love? No, you wouldn't, nor would I. Dude, she used you up and spit you out. My ex did the same to me. She got what she wanted and I fell for it.

I felt sorry for myself for a while about the pile of debt and the house that I built, etc and so forth. But, then I remembered I actually signed my name to all of it. And why? Because I was a freaking moron and wanted to make my wife happy. Big homes and fancy cars don't make people happy, dude. Now you learned an important lesson and you won't make the same mistake again....Unless you are an idiot.
 

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I had to turn my life upside down, move back in with the folks, move back to my hometown, leave my job, my friends, etc.. Nothing has changed for her, it only got better for her, all the freedom she wants to do whoever she wants, I pay half the house, etc. Why is it the ones who get suprised get the worst end of the deal on all levels?? up!!!
It's not necessarily the "one's who are surprised" (or betrayed).

Usually the breadwinner gets hosed, that's how the laws work.

A common situation:

The dad/husband works full time, wife raises the kids, they divorce (because one of them cheated), mom gets custody because she was the primary caregiver, husband gets the support obligation, visitation and finds a small cheap place to live.

The courts don't care, they can't get involved with infidelity because it's impractical on so many levels; as a reason to make rulings on support and asset distribution.

I've been there and am still paying.

Then again I read stories all the time about wives who were always stay at home parents, the husband cheated, leaves her and she's stuck on welfare barely supporting the kids while he's out having the time of his life.

Go figure.
 

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Take care of yourself. It will get better. Put down the whiskey as this will prolong your grieving...plus it's a depressant and not the best drug for you at this time!

Look at where you are as temporary. Things WILL get better. Moving in with your folks is a stepping stone, in that direction. Believe it or not. They can be your support system while your get on your feet and build confidence.

If you need someone to talk to try individual counseling....

Most of us understand the heartbreak. I do for sure! Keep your chin up. Your life will be better....
 

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But, then I remembered I actually signed my name to all of it. And why? Because I was a freaking moron and wanted to make my wife happy. Big homes and fancy cars don't make people happy, dude. Now you learned an important lesson and you won't make the same mistake again....Unless you are an idiot.
Exactly.

We bear the responsibility. Not our ex's, not the courts.

We made bad decisions. We never know what another person will do, and as far as divorce rates go, and infidelity, and all those other things that ruin relationships and marriages, those who marry the first time are being somewhat overly optimistic and rolling the dice in the face of overwhelmingly negative odds.

Those who remarry ARE morons.

My opinion.
 

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I am just thinking today, how I will never understand how she became basically EVIL to me almost immediately! There are several things that are stuck in my head, example. She said" I wanna have kids, just not with you! Not long after that it was " I am a free spirit, your a homebody, we are heading in different directions. Then,"Do you have a girlfriend? Maybe you should it would make this easier for you" Then two weeks after I moved, she text me to see how I was.. I said, Really? You didnt care when I was there, why ask now? She says, " I am merely checking on one of my used to be best friends, but I have to remember that is gone to!!" We were still married, she hadnt filed yet!!! I dont know that I can ever trust again, I can only look ar someone now and think " Well what are you going to do to me?" Just the other night I had a woman offer basically a affair to me. She says this to me " Your hot, I like you, my bf will never know".I damn neared hit the roof! I said you got to be kidding me, let me tell you a story. I told her what I just went through and I said " There are things that eat at a man worse than the fear of dying" I told her I wish that pain on no man!! If you dont want him, leave.. Dont cheat.. I then left after that.. I am convinced that "Faithful" has been removed from the English language.. Anyway, my now ex is living the life she has been wanting and I am living in Hell! I just cant wrap my head around it...
 

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Yep, you are going through what a lot of us on here have already negotiated. See, you are getting angry now. That's good. Just don't stay pissed for too long.

There are a lot of really good people out there. Over time you will once again start seeing the good.
 

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I am at the point of anger and sadness all at once! I want answers from her on how she turned almost evil to me, yet at the same time telling me I did nothing wrong and it was on her. She said " I want kids, just not with you, because we have to do that..(While looking at my crotch)..
she said this to get a reaction from you. My ex told me before she left that I have the smallest **** she's ever seen..The next girl I was with told me she has never been with a guy that big..

Your ex was just playing with your mind..and what a better way to mess with a guys mind then to make fun of his other mind??

She was either planning this or was looking for a reason to leave. Don't be so hard on yourself. It sux big time I know.. But you will feel better.. and whiskey...not a good thing man.. grab a buddy or two and roll a blunt..
 

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I've been where you are...just a few weeks ago in fact. I can tell you I did not think it will get better - but it does.

You say you've been given numbers by women - use them. You do not have to marry these women! Or even have a relationship, or even date, you could just meet up for a coffee. I have been on just one very casual coffee date, and I cannot tell you the difference it has made to me.

I used to think about my ex continously (I couldn't even call him 'my ex' a few weeks ago), now he barely enters my head. My focus is elsewhere....the longer you keep thinking about her and going over every single little thing she said/says or doesn't say, the should haves and could haves, the whys....the hope....the longer you will stay with this feeling that your heart is breaking and your life is over.

It isn't. Your relationship with this one woman is over. That's all.

You say you are 'in love' with her. This just isn't true. You may still love her, but you are not in love with her. When the reality of what she has done sinks in fully you may find that the love you feel is not for her at all, but for the person she was, or the person you wanted her to be.

Ultimately, what we love about someone is the way they make us feel - loved, happy, secure, desired, needed, safe, wanted...etc etc

There are MILLLIONS of women out there who can, I GUARANTEE make you feel better than your ex ever did or ever could have.

Have faith
 

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I just cant get over this anger! Especially when I have to send in half of what use to be my home payment! I'm angry that I was used to get her into that new house, paint it, put up $1000 worth of curtains, buy a new frig, put up a new gazebo,etc. I'm angry she was talking to other men and who knows what else and felt like she was not doing anything wrong. I am angry I had to move home, while she is partying it up. I am angry she feels nothing and has no remorse. I am angry someone else will get to stay at my house and see the christmas decorations I wont get to. I am angry that I have to start over and nothing changed for her. I am angry at myself for not seeing this and being smarter and shut this crap off a long time ago. I am angry at her because I do not trust anyone now. I am most angry that I still Love her...:(
 

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I am angry at myself for not seeing this and being smarter and shut this crap off a long time ago....:(
Alright, not trying to be an a$$ here but I shortened down your rant to the only sentence that truly matters at this point.

Did you learn your lesson? It's a hard one to learn isn't it? Now you won't do this again!

Oh, and just for the record....I learned the same lesson.
 

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WKSHD,
You are correct, There are a Million women out there, but the deal is I trust NONE of them. Little recent story.. Like I said I have been given several numbers, but here is a kicker that I cant believe. I currently have two, repeat two Married women after me!!! Both are beautiful! One, I know both her and her significant other, great people! She was out with friends one night and was at the same bar, we all talked, her friends went out to smoke and she whispers to me "You can have me if you want me" I say, Come Again? She says, I have been attracted to you since you got back to town, he never has to know.. I said, "Do know why I am back here?? Do you remember the conversation?? What you are offerning to me, is what happened to me!! You have to be kidding me??? So I gave the what for.. Not sure if it did any good, cuz I ran into her and her hubby the following week and she told me the same thing, def ears I guess..
The other works at a restaurant/bar I frequent, I stand alot and when she goes back behind the bar, she makes sure she walks past me and always acts like she has to grab onto me to get around, usually around the hips. She usually comes stands by me when she gets off work and talks to me and always makes it a point to tell me her schedule. I am like, You have got to be kidding me??? Is anyone faithful???? I am convinced, NO!! I am at a loss. I do want someone and that someone is my ex, but if I have to live without her, I would like to find someone, but after what happened to me and what I am seeing now, I cant see it.

Paradise, Yes I did learn a lesson, hardest one ever. Regrets out the wazoo!!! I am sorry you had the same lesson.. I unfortunatley believe I am unwilling to do this again. I had what I wanted, I didnt do enough to keep her. She's right, I didnt do anything wrong. But I know in my heart, I didnt do enough to be what she needed. Now I cant forgive for how she ended it, that is just unacceptable by any standard, but I dont blame her for wanting more. I was a excellent provider, could fix anything, took care of everything, though we had a good sex/emotional life, but I think that is where it failed.
I just feel that if I cant make it work with her, I cant with anyone..
 
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